Macho Man Murder

by Leslie Langtry

  This whole thing seemed like a metaphor for my life lately. I seemed to have no idea what I was doing or how to accomplish it. Just like me roaming around town aimlessly on a horse named Cookie.

  It was kind of nice, actually. I'd been so stressed out the last few days that I'd barely had time to just breathe. Of course, this was occurring on top of a horse that I had no experience with. But that seemed like splitting hairs.

  The light turned green, and I rode Cookie across, staying within the crosswalk because that seemed important. A van pulled up alongside me once I got through.

  "What are you doing?" Kelly asked without the slightest bit of sarcasm.

  "I'm taking Cookie out for a spin, of course," I answered.

  "I'd ask you if you've lost your mind, but I think that ship sailed a long time ago." My best friend grinned at me.

  We had reached the city park, and Kelly motioned for me to park my horse.

  I got down easily. My equestrian skills were improving. I led Cookie over to a patch of prairie grass that was on display next to the jungle gym, where I tied him up to a sign that said Please don't step on the prairie grass. Normally I wouldn't do something so terrible, but I was on the verge of not giving a damn.

  "Are you okay?" Kelly sat down on a swing hanging from a giant swing set.

  I sat in the other one and began pumping my legs back and forth.

  "I'm okay. Things are just weird right now. Did you know I found Betty and Inez visiting Ron and Ivan at the county jail? The deputy left the girls alone with the two Chechen men who are there under the suspicion of murder."

  "My odds are on Betty. I think she can take them." Kelly began swinging.

  "You're not going to yell at me? Tell me this is my bad influence?" I called out as I passed her.

  "I've given up on that. You don't seem to learn from your mistakes." Kelly swung higher than me.

  "I'm beginning to think my biggest mistake was coming forward as the alibi for Ron and Ivan." I started to catch up.

  "You did the right thing. Doing the right thing is always hard."

  "Yes, but if I'd stayed silent, they'd go down for Wally's murder instead of Hilly and Riley. The girls wouldn't be visiting them in jail, and they wouldn't be engaged to Randi and Ronni."

  "The twins and the Chechens?" Kelly expressed surprise. "Does Rex know?"

  I gained speed and height. "Not that I know of. I'm pretty sure his sisters haven't told him. I'd have heard it if they did."

  "Well." Kelly slowed down. "They are adults. If they want to marry those men and they're good enough for you to stick up for, it's their decision."

  Was that what I was afraid of? Being blamed for all of these things?

  "Do you really think Riley killed Wally?"

  "I don't think so. But then, I'd never have guessed he'd pass that video around at the CIA or hide Bitsy from me."

  Kelly came to a stop and looked at me questioningly. I kept swinging but filled her in on everything. Which was way more than I'd even told Rex. It seemed a bit disloyal telling my best friend things I hadn't told my husband. Especially since he was investigating.

  Gradually, as my story ended, I slowed down and came to a stop.

  "That's quite a story. I'd be mad at Riley too. But mad enough to accuse him of murder?"

  "I know."

  "Now about Hilly," Kelly started.

  She'd never totally warmed to the woman, especially once she found out what Hilly did for a living. For some reason, having a hired killer who didn't kill around our troop was a questionable thing.

  "I like Hilly." Kelly nodded when she saw my startled expression. "I do. But she's the most obvious person."

  "What about Bitsy?" I said. "She's in town for no reason and keeps running away from me."

  Kelly nodded. "Riley brought her into the office yesterday. Something isn't quite right about her. I just can't put my finger on it."

  "Riley and Bitsy could both be in on it."

  "Hilly could have worked with them both."

  "Hey!" I slammed my feet into the ground, stopping. "You were going to find out what case Riley is working on!"

  Kelly nodded. "I know. I haven't had much luck. I think he's on to us. He's been guarding that file like crazy."

  "Maybe I'll borrow your key and stop by your office tonight."

  She gave me an arch look. "Don't you think you should stop doing things like that? Dr. Wulf even mentioned it this morning."

  "Oh! Right! How did that go?"

  Kelly shrugged. "It's hard to say. Dr. Wulf was impressed by the girls' stories. And they pleaded as if their lives depended on it. But I don't know how it will work out. She wasn't very encouraging."

  Damn. I'd have to call Dad when I had a free moment to see what he'd found out.

  My cell rang. It was Jane Monaghan. Kelly walked over to Cookie to give me a moment.

  "I talked to the sheriff. They can't tie the murder weapon to Ron and Ivan, and since you're their alibi, I think we're all set with getting the charges dropped," Jane said after the usual pleasantries. "You do need to come in and make a formal statement swearing you were with Ron and Ivan."

  "When should I do that?" I watched as Kelly untied Cookie from the sign and led him over to some weeds by the slide.

  The attorney answered, "As soon as possible." Her voice was so calm and reassuring that I wondered if I could call her every day just to hear it and calm down from whatever calamity I was involved with.

  But I needed to sort a couple of things out before Ivan and Ron were unleashed on Who's There.

  "I'll come by in the morning. If that's okay?"

  We agreed on a time and ended the call.

  "I called Jo," Kelly said. "She's not ready to pick Cookie up yet."

  I walked to the horse and climbed up onto his back, looking pretty cool as I did so. "Call her back and tell her to meet me downtown. I need to visit Randi and Ronni."

  Kelly agreed to follow me and watch the horse so that I could talk to my sisters-in-law. If I was going to spring these guys, I needed to know that they were committed to actually marrying them.

  Ferguson Taxidermy—Where Your Pet Lives On Forever was only a few blocks away. The twins had been doing this sort of work for years before they'd moved here and set up shop in the historic Peterson Victorian house on Main Street.

  I tethered the horse, and Kelly got out of her car and rubbed his mane. I didn't ask her to watch him just because I didn't want him jacked. I also didn't want Ronni to find him and turn him into a diorama.

  The bell that hung above the door rang as I entered. The twins weren't in the showroom, but if it was unlocked, I knew they were probably in the basement turning something dead into something weird.

  There was always something new in this shop. I knew the twins did most of their business online, but it still freaked me out a bit that they could turn over the merchandise so quickly.

  I studied a diorama where rats wore lab coats as they watched Barbie dolls run through a maze. That one I got. The one next to it, where three turkey buzzards were dressed like wizards playing Monopoly, was like most of their work—I had no idea what it meant.

  Hopefully, the women would be up soon, and hopefully, I'd get Randi and not…

  "What do you want?" Ronni screamed at me. "Why are you here? I don't like you!"

  The feeling was mutual.

  "Is Randi around?" I looked behind my sister-in-law.

  Ronni's face darkened. She was back to her slovenly demeanor and unkempt hair. "No! What do you want?"

  This was going to be much harder than I'd imagined. But it had to be done before I went in and gave my statement.

  "I just wanted to let you know Ivan and Ron will be released in the morning."

  I studied Ronni, looking for doubt in her eyes.

  "Finally! Took you long enough!" she shrieked.

  "Oh, well, I had to wait until the lawyer got everything sorted out." I looked at the woman hopefully. "The lawyer I'm pay
ing for to free the men who I'm the alibi for."

  "What? Do you want a cookie?" She scowled.

  "Oh! Actually, I am kind of hungry…"

  "I said it ironically!" The twin stomped. "You don't get a real cookie!"

  My stomach rumbled in protest.

  "Alright! You said what you had to say! Now get out!"

  Screw being nice and compliant. I needed answers. "Look, I know you don't like me, but I need to know if you're serious about these guys. I don't want you to regret what you've told them because, believe me, they will not get the hint and go away once they show up here tomorrow expecting to marry you."

  Ronni was silent. Scowling, but not screaming at me either. This was either encouraging or terrifying, and I had no idea which. At least if I had to, I could make a quick getaway on Cookie the horse, should things get dangerous.

  The woman's demeanor changed. She stopped frowning. Her expression was almost normal. "You are worried about us?" she asked in a calm voice.

  This was unworldly. Ronni talking to me in a normal voice was on par with the coming of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I made a quick check of the exits in case she turned demonic and I had to run.

  "Yes. You're my sisters now. You're family. And I care about you." I smiled to drive the point home that I was there in peace.

  Ronni was silent. She wasn't smiling, but she wasn't glaring at me either. Had I broken through? Was that even possible? Maybe she was finally starting to like me! As an only child, I'd always wanted siblings. When I married Rex, I got the twins. Well, only half of them really because Ronni seemed to loathe everything about me.

  Maybe, just maybe, she liked me now!

  "I'm a grown woman!" she shrieked with rage.

  It was actually a relief. I don't know if I could handle nice Ronni.

  She continued her rant. "You don't need to worry about me! I know what I'm doing!"

  Sometimes, you have to know when to walk away. This was one of those times.

  "Okay. I'm out of here. Say hi to Randi." And with that, I left.

  Kelly was waiting with Cookie. "Jo is going to be tied up for another hour. I guess she doesn't get into town much, so she is taking the opportunity to get a lot done."

  I took the reins and climbed back onto the horse, who was eating the twins' shrubs. "See you later. I've got to talk to Rex. I need to tell him about this. It's time."

  Kelly looked at the door, where an angry Ronni was glaring at us through the window. "How did it go in there?"

  "About as expected."

  We parted ways, and I nudged Cookie and moseyed down the road. It seemed that I was getting used to this. Sure, I got a lot of strange looks, especially when I picked up some ice cream at the drive through at Sugar Lips'.

  "Cool!" Kayla gushed as she handed me a scoop of Red Velvet Teddy in a Cake in Bed Cone. "Can we use your horse for druid things?"

  I shook my head. "Nope. He's a rental." And holding the reins in my right hand, the cone in my left, I rode off into the sunset.

  Alright, it wasn't time for a sunset. I just imagined it looked amazing. I was heading to the town police department, although it would've been more Westerny if I could actually pull up to the sheriff's place.

  Outside the police department, I tethered Cookie to a fire hydrant and texted Rex to come out.

  "Hey, hon." He squeezed my hand. Displays of affection were out of bounds when my husband was at work. "I see you still have Cookie. And ice cream."

  I was eating quickly. Riding and eating turned out to be more of a challenge than I was capable of.

  "Yup. Hold on." I wolfed down the rest of the ice cream and gave the rest of the cone to Cookie. He sniffed it delicately then devoured it.

  "So what's up? I only have a few minutes."

  "I have to tell you something. I'm going to sign my statement at the sheriff's department, and that means Ron and Ivan will be free."

  He nodded, listening to every word.

  "And when they are free, well, you will probably hear from your sisters."

  This caught him off guard. "The twins? Why?"

  "I'm sure you're going to find this hilarious. But the twins are engaged to the Chechens."

  My husband, a man who wasn't fazed by anything, stood there with his jaw hanging open for a whole minute.

  "Okay, so you don't find this hilarious," I said at last to break the uncomfortable silence.

  He cleared his throat. "How did that happen?"

  "It's probably on you," I said. "You let the twins bring baked goods to prisoners here. And when you don't have any, they go to the sheriff's. And that's how they met Ron and Ivan. I guess they were engaged within minutes. Love at first sight."

  Rex stood there for another whole minute, which was kind of scary since nothing had ever really flummoxed him before.

  Finally, he spoke. "I'll have to tell them that the men will have to go back. They can't stay here. I'm sure they're in the country illegally."

  I shook my head. "According to them, Wally got them tourist visas."

  "Yes, but they can't live here on tourist visas." Rex's voice was calm and steady. It never wavered.

  "Well, they're asking for religious asylum."

  "You're kidding."

  "Nope. I think it was Betty's idea. Or maybe it was Inez's. I forget."

  "Aren't they Muslim living in a Muslim country?" Rex paused. "Did you say Betty or Inez gave them the idea?"

  "Yeah. I'll tell you about it later. When we're sitting down. After a couple of bottles of wine." When Rex didn't respond, I answered his question. "As for the religious exemption, I don't think they're religious at all. But that's what they're thinking."

  Rex sat down on a bench and ran his hands through his hair. "I wonder if I should call Immigration?"

  "You'd do that?"

  He shook his head. "No. I wouldn't do that. Sorry. That was just a moment of desperation."

  I joined him. "I don't know if this helps, but your sisters are ridiculously happy. Well, I think they are. It's kind of hard to tell with Ronni."

  "So you sign this statement and what? Where do they go?"

  I hadn't thought of that. "Probably in with your sisters."

  Rex waved his hands in front of himself. "What? No. Not unless I'm there with them 24/7."

  I held his hand. "This might sound strange, but Ivan and Ron aren't really that bad. I think they genuinely have feelings for your sisters."

  "You said they were mindless hired thugs." He was so upset that he didn't let go of my grasp. Which was surprising because he'd come up with the no PDA in public when he's working rule.

  "Did I say that?" I searched my memory. "Okay, I probably said that. But that was when Wally was holding their leash."

  "You don't think they're leading my sisters on to get a green card, do you?"

  I shook my head. "Seriously. They aren't that smart."

  "I just don't want them moving in with the twins until I've gotten to know them." He looked up at me. "Why don't you let them stay at your place?"

  "What? No! Hilly's still there! I can't have them staying with her!"

  "I still need to talk to her. When I stopped by to see him, Riley agreed to come in formally. He'll be here in a few minutes. But I haven't found Hilly or Bitsy."

  "Riley's coming in?" I wondered if I could get in on that interview. "I should probably help because I know when he's lying."

  Actually, my record on catching Riley in a lie was about 50/50. But Rex didn't need to know that.

  "That will never happen. I need to see him alone."

  "What about Bitsy?"

  "Riley said he'd try to find her, but there's no guarantee. She's probably gone."

  "She's not gone," I said through my teeth. "She's avoiding me. I'll find her. And I'll drag her in by her hair."

  "No need to do that. Just find her and bring her in, please." My husband stood up. "As for Ron and Ivan—I'll stop by the shop on my way home and tell my sisters that the men
are staying at your old house."

  "But…"

  "No buts. I'm insisting at this point."

  I sighed. "Fine. But that might mean Hilly will be moving into our guest room."

  "Then I'd at least know how to find her," he said before walking into the station.

  I remained on the bench, thinking things through. My to-do list had just gotten bigger. I had to find Hilly and move her out of my old house, get the guys released and move them into my old house, and drag Bitsy in by her hair. I didn't care what Rex said. That was the way I was going to do it.

  Officer Kevin Dooley pulled in with the squad car. He stopped in front of me, staring at the horse. He was probably wondering if he could eat it. I decided not to tell him its name was Cookie.

  "You alright?" he asked me, uttering more syllables than he had in months.

  "I'm fine. Thanks. Why do you ask?"

  "Horse looks depressed." And with that, he went inside.

  "Come on, Cookie." I got back into the saddle. "I'm sure Jo is waiting for you at my house. And I've got to change the linens."

  I wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but I'd heard it on TV. Cookie was walking slowly, pausing every now and then when he spotted various weeds.

  "We're running out of time, horse," I said and dug my heels into his side.

  He took off running. It was Uruguay all over again, except for the fact that I stayed mostly in my seat this time as he charged down the street.

  "Stop!" I shouted to no avail. I was bouncing so hard in the saddle that my teeth hurt.

  "Cookie! Slow down!" I yanked on the reins.

  The horse stopped suddenly, causing me to lurch forward. I was able to keep in the saddle, but the group of kids watching nearby were laughing hysterically. I smoothed my clothes, held my head high, and walked that damned horse the remainder of the way.

  Somehow, it seemed like a metaphor for what was to come.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Jo was waiting for me, and I helped her get Cookie into the trailer. I didn't tell her about our adventures riding through town. No point in making the equestrian director mad. I toyed with asking her how the girls were able to borrow the horse in my name, but I just wanted to think.