The Ghost of You and Me

by Kelly Oram

  “Your loss. I’m not saving you any cookies.”

  “That’s assuming there’s any left for you after I eat them all,” Charlotte teases her, and then dashes out of the room.

  They’re laughing and shrieking as they race down the stairs. I grin widely and shake my head as I check to see if my violin is in tune. It’s good to hear laughter in the house again, and I’m glad Charlotte has befriended Julia as much as me. Julia has needed the TLC as much as I have lately. Sharing a friend and being able to hang out together more often will be good for us.

  I’m still smiling as I pull my bow across the strings, and it’s like my good mood is magic for my playing. I start with a few of my favorites and then progress into one of the harder pieces I’d been learning before Spencer’s accident when I quit my private lessons. The song is challenging, but I find I love the struggle. That itch to master the notes hits me with full force, and I begin the piece again with determination I’ve never had before. It’s not perfect, but I get through the song with only a few fudged spots. My chest burns with pride and relief. It’s been a year since I’ve really poured my soul into my playing. I’m definitely a little rusty, but I haven’t lost my knack for it, or my love, either.

  “You are truly amazing, Bailey Atkinson,” Spencer says with a lovesick sigh. I turn to see him lying on my bed, grinning at me. “An angel sent from God to bless this world with your musical genius.”

  “You’re calling me an angel sent from God? You’re the one who is literally on leave from heaven right now.”

  His grin grows so wide it looks painful, and I laugh at his goofiness. I join him on the bed, sitting against the wall with my legs crossed, and elbow him when he moves to sit next to me even though I know he won’t feel it. “What’s the matter?” I tease. “Didn’t want to stalk me from the tree house this time?”

  Spencer flashes me a wicked smile and wriggles his eyebrows. “No need. This whole spirit thing lets me be a creeper from right here in your room without you ever knowing I’m here. I’ve been listening to you for an hour.”

  If it wasn’t Spencer and I didn’t know for certain that he’s not really a creepy stalker, I’d be freaked out by that. But he’s teasing, so I roll my eyes and say, “You better not have spied on me in the shower, mister, or you’re a dead man when I get to heaven. Well, a deader one.”

  Spencer snorts but then cuts me a sideways glance and sighs. “Oh, I wanted to, but it’s against the rules. I’d have been booted back to the afterlife in a second.”

  His expression is so forlorn that I burst into laughter. “Pervert. Creepy stalker perv.”

  My taunt only makes him puff up his chest and smile proudly. “Only when it comes to you, baby.” He winks.

  I don’t want to encourage him, but I can’t stop myself from laughing again. We giggle together, and when the laughter dies, Spencer sighs sadly. “I heard your conversation.”

  “With Julia and Charlotte?” I ask, surprised. “You were here?”

  He gives me a sad smile. “I’ve been with you pretty much the entire time since I got here. I just like to stay in the background when I can. I don’t like to interfere too much.”

  I snort softly. “Unless it’s an opportunity to make me look crazy in front of people.”

  He shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry. But yes, I was here while you were talking to Julia and Charlotte…and I was at the hospital with you and Wes.”

  I let that sink in. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Bailey.”

  I pinch my eyes shut as a sudden pain assaults my chest.

  “It wasn’t Wes’s fault, either.”

  My eyes are still shut. I can’t seem to open them and make myself look at him. When I shake my head, he speaks again, sounding more serious than I think I’ve ever heard him.

  “I chose to drink that night. I chose to drive. Those were my decisions—my selfish choices—that I made of my own accord. You and Wes have got to stop blaming yourselves. No one is responsible for what happened to me except me. Believe me, I know. I got quite the lecture when I reached the other side.”

  I finally look up, startled, and he shoots me another wink. I can’t tell if it’s an I-was-just-teasing wink or if it’s an it’s-okay-I-deserved-it wink. After he’s gone, I’m going to have a lot of soul-searching to do where God, heaven, and the afterlife are concerned, but for now, I’m just grateful that he was able to come back, even for a brief time.

  I get where he’s coming from with the taking-the-blame thing, but I’m not ready to place it all on him. “We still hurt you,” I mutter. My eyes mist over. “We didn’t mean to. You have no idea how sorry we are.”

  “Yes, I do,” he whispers. When I meet his eyes, he gives me a soft smile. He lifts his hand and brushes it alongside my face. I’m not sure who wishes we could feel the touch more. “I know exactly how sorry you both are. I’ve watched you both self-destruct for the last year from your guilt. Why do you think I was so desperate to come back for you?”

  “For me?” I gasp. “I thought you came back for Wes.”

  He looks at me like I’m insane. It’s actually very close to the look Julia gave me a little while ago.

  “That time capsule,” I insist. “Making me take the internship. The zoo suggestion—which I still don’t get—those were all for Wes.”

  “Were they?” Spencer challenges.

  I know I’m missing something, but I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me. He waits for me to put the pieces together, and when I don’t, he chuckles. “Bay, you were both my unfinished business. I destroyed both of your lives with my terrible choices.”

  “Then why—”

  “Because you need Wes, and Wes needs the green light.”

  Realization hits me hard. “You were setting us up this whole time?”

  Spencer gives me another proud smile. “Coming up with the idea for the internship and planting the thoughts in Dr. Moscowitz’s head was one of my more genius accomplishments, if I do say so myself.”

  My jaw falls to my lap. “ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT WAS YOU?”

  Spencer laughs, but it quickly morphs into another sigh. “I can’t be there for you anymore,” he says. “We had two of the most amazing years together—a relationship of legends—but it wasn’t meant to be for us.”

  My throat closes up, and I choke out his name. “Spence…”

  He smiles. “You have a long life ahead of you. Please don’t spend it sad and alone and pining after me.” His smile falls crooked. “It’ll make me feel really guilty when I start dating all those hot angel babes in heaven.”

  I bark out a slightly hysterical, incredulous laugh, and a few tears escape me. “Spencer, if anyone deserves a hot angel babe for eternity, it’s you.”

  “And you deserve Wes,” he counters.

  I try to breathe evenly, even though my heart is suddenly pounding.

  “Give him a chance, Bailey. He needs you as much as you need him. You’ll be really good for each other. I know you will.”

  “But I love you,” I say stubbornly.

  “You love him, too.”

  I know I’d already admitted this to myself, but having Spencer say it makes all of my guilt come back.

  As if he can read my mind, Spencer shakes his head and smiles. “It’s okay for you to love us both. It’s okay for you to move on. Keep me in your memory, but make room in your heart for him. I want you guys to be happy.”

  “Are you giving me the green light?” I ask wryly.

  Spencer laughs. “The green light. My blessing. My heart…” He sighs. “I’m going to miss you.”

  My stomach rolls. I know where this is leading. “You have to go now, don’t you?”

  He nods. “It’s time. I’ve done all I can here, and you need to move on. You can’t do that if I’m still hanging around.”

  I want to be strong, but a couple of tears fall down my cheeks. “I’m going to miss you, too. Thanks for coming back.
”

  “Thanks for believing me and helping me once I got here.”

  As if I’d ever deny him anything. “Will you be okay now? When you go back, I mean? Are you going to be able to rest peacefully or whatever?”

  His answering smile is small but sincere. “Don’t worry about me. I got what I needed from this. And hey, I met Rosie. She’s a pretty cool chick.” He grins at the look of shock on my face. “She’s a redhead.”

  Laughing again, I shut my eyes and take a deep breath as I try to get control of my tears. “That’s good, Spence. Tell her hi for Wes and me.”

  “I will.”

  We fall quiet, and I feel time bearing down on us. I know this is it. He’s going to leave any moment, and I’m never going to see him again. My stomach is sick at the thought of saying good-bye, but I feel a strange sense of peace wash through me, and I know things are going to be okay. This is right. It’s how it’s supposed to be. And it’s more closure than I ever dreamed I’d get.

  “If this is it,” I ask, “does that mean you’re going to turn solid and kiss me one last time?”

  Spencer sucks in a breath and pierces me with a longing look. He lets the air out of his lungs and slowly shakes his head. “I think that only happens in the movies.”

  That’s probably for the best. I don’t think I’d ever be satisfied with just one more kiss. Feeling his lips on mine one more time would only make this harder. Impossible, even. I nod in understanding and hold up my hand to him instead. His face softens as he lifts his palm to mine. Neither of us feels the touch, but the connection is there anyway. “I love you, Bay.”

  “I love you, too, Spencer.”

  I meet his eyes, and he gives me one last smile before fading out of existence. “Bye,” I whisper to the empty air. He’s not here, but I have a feeling he still heard me.

  I tug nervously at the hem of my very short, very tight, very bright dress—still amazed that I let Spencer talk me into buying it.

  “Go on, you can do it!” Charlotte enthusiastically whisper-yells from the waiting limo behind me.

  Taking a deep breath, I smile down at the corsage on my wrist made up of small blue flowers. Spencer is gone, but in a way, he’s still with me. Charlotte’s right. I can do this.

  I knock on the door and try to stop my nervous body from trembling as I hear someone approach. The door opens and Wes sucks in a gasp. “Bailey?”

  I bite my lip and force myself to smile. “Hi.”

  He can’t speak. His mouth is hanging slightly open, and he hasn’t blinked since he laid eyes on me. The appreciation in his stare makes me blush.

  “I—” He rakes a hand over his head and blows out a breath through puffed cheeks. “Wow.”

  “I thought you’d like it,” I murmur, my blush spreading down the back of my neck. “I’m pretty sure Spencer picked it out with you in mind.”

  Wes’s eyes fly back to my face, startled. I take a deep breath and will myself to be brave. I’m still not sure if Wes has accepted my story about seeing Spencer as a ghost. “I just want you to know that I won’t be seeing Spencer anymore.”

  Wariness creeps into Wes’s expression, but he doesn’t slam the door in my face, so I consider that a positive and continue on. “He said good-bye.”

  It takes Wes a moment to respond, and I’m shocked when he gives me a small nod and says, “I’m sorry.”

  Does that mean he believes me? My heart picks up pace, and I begin to hope. “It’s okay,” I promise. “We made peace with it.” I let my smile fall a little crooked and say, “He gave me a green light.”

  Wes flinches, and his eyes nearly pop out of his head again. He swallows so hard I can hear it. “Green light for what?”

  Here goes…

  “To let myself have feelings for you.”

  I don’t hear Wes’s gasp, but his chest rises as he sucks air into his lungs. “What?”

  My hands start to shake, so I wrap them around myself. “I always loved you both,” I say. “If that bottle had landed on you instead of him that night, things probably would have gone very differently.”

  Wes doesn’t speak, but there’s another sharp intake of breath and another hard swallow.

  “Wes…there’s nothing to forgive, and yes, you have a chance.” When he still doesn’t speak, my confidence evaporates. I shrug, squeezing myself tighter. “If you still want one.”

  I stare at the ground, trying not to panic. What if I was right the first time and there’s too much baggage between us? I may have made peace with everything, but that doesn’t mean Wes has. What if he still can’t stand being around me?

  I nearly jump out of my skin when Wes pulls my arms away from my body and takes my hands in his. I look up to meet his gaze, prepared to accept whatever response he needs to give. “Really?” he asks as if he can’t quite believe what’s happening.

  I let out a breath and smile a little easier. “Yes, really. I’m going to need to take it slow, and I still love him. I’ll always love him. But I’m ready to move on, and I want it to be with you.”

  Wes blinks a couple times and then stares into my eyes, as if searching for the truth in my soul.

  “We all made mistakes, Wes—you, me, and Spencer. It’s time to forgive ourselves and move on. That’s what Spencer wanted, why he came back. We were both his unfinished business.”

  I shift my grip in his hands so that our fingers lace together. “He wants this for us and…I want it, too.”

  I have to look away again, and I curse the heat rising in my cheeks.

  “Bay…”

  Before I can look up, Wes pulls me into his arms and crushes me to his chest as if he never wants to let go. It’s just like the last time I was at his house, when he clung to me as if he simply couldn’t help himself. He’s holding me like I’m precious, like I’m the only thing keeping him on his feet, like I’m pumping strength into him.

  I melt against his chest and sigh softly as every muscle in my body relaxes. “I love you, too, Wes,” I whisper. “I always have.”

  Wes lets me go and pulls back to look at me. I can tell he’s wondering if he heard me right. Instead of repeating myself, I grin at him and say, “Do you own a suit? Other than your handsome work tux, I mean? That one might be a little too sexy.”

  He cocks an eyebrow and tries to scowl, but his lips twitch at the corners and he rolls his eyes. He scans me from head to toe once more and says, “I just have the one I wore to Spencer’s funeral.”

  Instead of making me sad, that thought makes me smile. “That’s perfect.”

  Wes narrows his eyes, waiting for the question I’m sure he’s already figured out is coming.

  I grin. “You want to go to homecoming with me, my freshman little sister, a bunch of orchestra geeks, and a couple of lesbians?”

  Once Wes processes what I just said, he finally cracks a smile and shakes his head, chuckling. “Give me just a minute to change.”

  I spend the minutes admiring the pictures in his living room again. This time when I see the picture of his mother, I smile to myself. I’ll be able to keep my promise to her after all. Wes won’t be alone when her time on this earth is finally up.

  Wes clears his throat behind me. I turn around and immediately go weak in the knees. My heart stutters and my stomach explodes with butterflies. I loved Spencer’s looks. He was the most handsome, adorable guy there ever was, but Wes…Wes is sexy. Dating someone who sets my insides on fire is a new feeling. A terrifying and thrilling feeling. “Wow,” I say, repeating the compliment he’d given me.

  He crosses the room to me, and my stomach flips again. His mouth lifts into a crooked smile, reminding me that he’s always been astutely aware of his good looks and knows the effect he has on girls. I’ve never been the focus of his attention like this before. Probably because I was dating his best friend. But the game has changed now, and he’s not masking his thoughts on that subject.

  I am in so much trouble.

  Before he can pull me into
his arms, I nervously hold up the small boutonniere I got to match my corsage. “May I?”

  Wes stops his advance and holds still while I pin the flowers to his lapel. “You didn’t want to get red to match your dress?” he asks curiously.

  “These are forget-me-nots. They symbolize remembrance.”

  Flower successfully pinned, I smooth out his lapel and brave a glance at him. He’s watching me with so much emotion that my face heats up again.

  “For Spencer?” he asks gruffly.

  “And for Rosie.” I smile at his surprise and lead him to the door. “Spencer said he finally met her. He seemed a little smitten. He likes that she’s a redhead.”

  Wes stumbles to a stop with a gasp. “I never told you she had red hair.”

  I give him a knowing smile and drag him out to the limo, where our friends clap and cheer at the sight of us together.

  It’s not until we’ve been at the dance for over an hour and find ourselves alone at a table that Wes has the chance to ask me about Spencer. “It’s true, isn’t it?” he asks, chewing on his lower lip with his brow furrowed. “You really saw Spencer. He really came to you.”

  I don’t feel insulted that he hadn’t believed me before. I really can’t blame him. If I hadn’t lived it, I wouldn’t have believed it, either. “He really did.”

  Wes sucks in a breath and lets this news sink in. Eventually, a small smile works its way across his face. “I wish I could have seen him. Wish I could have apologized, you know? I didn’t really hate him. I was screwed up, and I was jealous, but I always loved him. How could I not?”

  “How could anybody not?” I tease.

  Wes puts his arm around me, and I lean into his side. “He knows,” I promise. “He was there with us most of the time.”

  Wes shakes his head in amazement. “I really thought you were crazy.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  Wes smiles apologetically. “I didn’t blame you. There’ve been plenty of times in the last year where I thought I was losing my mind. I figured thinking you were talking to his ghost was some way of you trying to accept his loss. I guess I figured…whatever worked. You seemed to be doing better lately, so…”