Torn

by Lauren Dane

  “Beau and I were young men with more money than sense in the art scene,” Gregori said. “He was one of the first friends I made here in the US. We’ve been in contact on and off since. I had no idea of the connection between him and Cora.”

  “It was a pleasant surprise,” Beau told them with a shrug. “I know many people. I’m friends with very few, so those I like to keep around.”

  “I didn’t even know crab and scallop cakes were an actual thing. I vote yay,” Cora said as she put another two on her plate.

  In addition, there were brussels sprout leaves roasted with parmesan and walnuts, fruit and cheese with honey, wine, champagne and at the end, not just one cake, but two.

  Not a lot satisfied Beau more than seeing people enjoy food he’d made. Cooking was his way of pleasing others. Of being worthy.

  Even as fucked-up as he was, he’d managed to substitute out the most harmful ways of feeling worthy and pleasing others. His life was his own now. No one made his choices. He owed no one anything he didn’t want to give.

  A far cry from his days in Road to Glory, when every bit of his life had been chosen for him and the others in the group.

  “You’re having a very intense conversation in your head,” Cora said quietly.

  He shrugged. “Not really,” he lied.

  She sniffed, like she wanted him to know she saw right through him. Defensiveness rose in his gut, warring with fascination and no small amount of admiration that she would not only see the truth of it, but also let him know she got that he was evading.

  But she let it go and he appreciated it a great deal.

  A few hours in, Vic and Rachel peeled off. Gregori explained that Vic worked in a bakery, the same one that had provided some of the sweets they’d eaten that night, and had to be up by four-thirty.

  He realized, as they cleaned up, that he didn’t really want his time with Cora to end. Which was unusual. Unusual enough that he paid attention to it. She was a gorgeous, creative, interesting woman and an old friend. That was it. Probably.

  Still, when she headed to the door, he followed. “Hey, where are you off to?”

  “Home. I’ve been up well over twenty-four hours at this point and the travel has just sort of smacked me in the head. Now that my belly is full and I’ve been loved up on by my friends, I’m going to head back to my place and sleep for many hours.”

  “Where are you parked? Do you need a ride home?” Wren asked Cora, and then Gregori sighed. Clearly he’d noticed the chemistry between Cora and Beau all night.

  Cora hadn’t seemed to hear Gregori’s sigh as she replied, “I’m just parked right around the corner at the lot near Ink Sisters. I’m good. Thank you though.” Cora hugged Wren, and then tiptoed up to do the same with Gregori.

  “I’ll walk with you,” Beau said, grabbing his coat. “If that’s cool with you.”

  Cora shrugged. “Sure. You don’t have to. It’s not that far.”

  “And then you can give him a ride,” Gregori told her. “He’s staying in a flat in the Bay Vista Tower so he’s on your way home anyway.”

  Gregori gave him a very slight smile. Beau owed his friend a beer for that little suggestion that allowed him more time with her.

  “Ah! Yes, that’s totally on my way home. I can easily drop you off as a thanks for walking with me and defending my honor in case a drunken Pioneer Square reveler gives me any guff. Not that they would with an eleven-foot-tall dude, but you know what I mean,” Cora said.

  “There are perks to being tall. And I’d appreciate the ride as I walked over earlier today.” And he’d get to be alone with her in the car, where he planned on asking her out.

  He shouldn’t. He usually kept himself clear of getting involved with a friend or anyone in his social circle that he might have to see regularly in the wake of something unpleasant.

  But she felt like home to him in a way that he couldn’t really put into words. And he really needed home after drifting for far too long.

  * * *

  CORA LIKED WALKING with Beau. When she stopped to peer more closely, and then photograph a wet leaf, he didn’t get impatient. When she wanted to look in a window or pause to stare up at the lights, he paused too. He meandered like she did. Which was something she found herself charmed by.

  Certainly there was no denying the way people tended to get out of their way as they came along. Even sauced-up patrons, who’d poured out of bars and onto the sidewalks, parted to let them pass. He was big. Sturdy and broad shouldered. As a short girl, it was pretty freaking nice, she had to admit.

  So she told him. Or, well, she thought it out loud, and then just went with it because it was too late to do anything else.

  He leaned closer and the heat of him seemed to brush against her skin. “It’s a novel thing to imagine the world from your perspective,” he said in a voice that wrapped around her and tugged.

  What an unexpectedly wonderful compliment that was.

  “Thank you. You have a great voice. I figure I should go ahead and tell you that.” Flattered and a little flustered, Cora pointed at her car as they came upon the lot where she’d parked. “That’s me.”

  Cora didn’t think herself overly concerned with things. But this car—named Eldon—was her not-so-guilty pleasure.

  A gift from her mother—because Cora never would have done it for herself and because Walda loved giving extravagant gifts. When it appealed to her anyway.

  It was low-slung and sporty, and when she got in and closed the door, the world drifted away.

  He came to a startled halt. “That?”

  Cora was glad it was dark enough he couldn’t see her blush. “Okay. I know. It’s an extravagance. My mom decided I should have it. And I tried to turn it down or talk her into a less, uh, over-the-top choice. But she’s Walda and she does what she wants.”

  “I’m jealous. I nearly bought a TT S last year.”

  Oh. Well, that was nice. Thanking him, she clicked the locks and he waited for her to get in before he followed suit.

  “You’re really tall and I was worried you’d have to bend like a pretzel to fit in the passenger seat. So I’m glad that didn’t happen because you have those jeans on and I don’t want you to have to cut off circulation or whatever.”

  Jesus, she just made a thinly veiled joke about his dick getting bent in an uncomfortable way. She’d been hanging out around the Dolans way too long.

  He snorted a laugh. “I’ve never been as entertained by a conversation,” he said as she pulled out of the lot.

  “Oh. Well. Good because I’m entertaining that way so I’m delighted you can see the benefits. I’m glad you’re in Seattle, Beau. I hope we’ll see one another again before you leave. And wow, this whole segment of our conversation is really just me wandering all around. I’m normally better at this. Really.”

  “Still entertaining. Five stars,” he said through laughter. “I’d love to see you again. Me and you. What does your kitchen look like?”

  “Uh. It’s a nice kitchen. I like to cook well enough. I decided to take the space from a third bedroom and make the kitchen and the master bigger. Gas stove.”

  He nodded and she felt a little relieved that she’d passed a test of some sort.

  “Are you free tomorrow night? I’d like to make you dinner and catch up on the last seventeen years.”

  He just asked her out. She hadn’t imagined the chemistry between them. This day was pretty fucking great so far.

  “Totally free. I’ll be home by six and I can handle the dessert.”

  “I’ll be there by six-thirty with everything I need.”

  A wave of heat washed through her. There was no misunderstanding the way his voice had that husky undertone. That was perhaps—hopefully—an I’ll be putting my mouth on you at some point during this date tone and she liked it. It left her drunk with
delight.

  She gave him her address as she found a space to slide into across the street from his building. “Okay. So. Um. I’ll see you tomorrow night then.”

  He unbuckled himself, but before he got out, he leaned close and surprised her when he laid a kiss on her lips.

  Just a casual kiss. Quick but not so fast he didn’t slowly drag his teeth over her bottom lip as he pulled back.

  “See you then.”

  Still tasting him, she watched as he jogged across the street, and then made his way into the building.

  Cora wasn’t entirely sure what she was getting herself into, but she liked it.

  CHAPTER THREE

  In a flurry of wind a red leaf skitters

  Dances on the air

  As summer dies

  And autumn puts on her fiery crown.

  “WHY AM I not surprised?” Cora asked.

  Rachel and Maybe stood on her porch with a pink-and-white box holding her favorite doughnuts and bearing big grins as well as coffee.

  She opened up. “Get in here before you let out all the warm air.”

  “You’re not surprised because we’re predictable and nosy. And because we come bearing coffee and doughnuts.” Rachel kissed Cora’s cheek before she put her things down and hung her coat in the front closet.

  “We were sort of bummed to find out you’re alone this morning,” Maybe told her as she popped the lid off the doughnut box and carried it, along with her coffee, to the living room.

  Cora snorted. “Don’t you two have to be at work or something?”

  “My first appointment isn’t until one,” Rachel said as she chose a chocolate-glazed.

  “I’m sleeping with my boss,” Maybe told her. “Makes it easier to take time off when I want to. So what’s the deal with you and sexy chef guy? I know I wasn’t imagining it. Especially when he just about shoved Wren out of the way when he got the chance to walk you to your car.”

  “He’s making me dinner tonight.” Cora sipped her coffee.

  Rachel grabbed one of the throw blankets Cora kept everywhere and tucked it around herself before saying, “I Googled him this morning after Vic left for work. He pretended like he didn’t know I was going to. We like to pretend I’m nicer than I really am. It’s why we’ve stayed together for two years.” Rachel continued after another bite of her doughnut, “But you know Beau’s had quite the colorful life. I mean. Wow. Also the modeling shots alone might have made me pregnant.”

  Cora nearly choked on her coffee as she laughed. “Now imagine seeing that in person when you were sixteen.”

  “Dude, I’m absolutely convinced I’d have had no idea what to do with a guy like him when I was sixteen. All the tattoos and the piercings. Super hot.”

  “We saw the tasteful nudes. He’s quite gifted. And a natural redhead.” Maybe toasted Cora by holding her doughnut aloft a moment.

  “You’re going to have to Heimlich me if you make me laugh like this while I’m eating,” Cora said between fits of giggles. “I missed you both. A lot.”

  “We missed you too. When you’re done telling us about Beau, let’s talk about you not leaving for so long again.” Maybe reached out to squeeze Cora’s leg a moment.

  “He’s got a complicated backstory, to say the least. It’s not every day you meet someone who was raised in and later escaped from a cult. Still, there’s something, I don’t know, genuine about him. He’s...” Cora raised her hands, not finding the right words for how she felt. “Aside from being gorgeous, he’s interesting. It was easy being with him last night at Gregori and Wren’s. And then after. He kissed me. Just a fast thing. Not a peck. No tongue, but he gave me some teeth when he broke the kiss. And he used the sex voice on me. It worked. I mean. Every part of me heard it, like a tuning fork.”

  “Zing.” Rachel nodded her head and Maybe echoed the action. “You have zing. I have zing with Vic. Maybe’s got it with Alexsei. Zing is good if it doesn’t, you know, cloud your head because your other parts are too dazed. If you know what I mean.”

  Cora batted her lashes and leaned toward her friend. “No. What do you mean?”

  Rachel started to reply before narrowing her gaze and flipping Cora off.

  Laughing, Cora said, “It’s been a while since I’ve been dazed with zing. It’s not underrated.” She hadn’t had that sort of delicious sexual chemistry with someone in years and she hadn’t realized until then how much she’d missed it.

  “Seems to me your priorities are in the right order,” Maybe told her. “Get some.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes before adding, “He could get it, no lie. I mean, if I wasn’t head over heels in love with Vic. Literally over the weekend. I need to start stretching before sex.”

  Cora and Maybe both burst into giggles. This too, sisterhood, was a sensation she’d missed. The ability to be totally who she was—bumps and scars and flaws aplenty—with these two women in her living room filled her with happiness. Made her more confident.

  “Now I’m going to have that in my brain every time I see him. Which is often, in case you haven’t noticed,” Maybe managed to say.

  Rachel just shrugged. “So you’re going to let Beau get all up in your space. I also found out some details about his personal life. He’s got a reputation. Or maybe had? Anyway, he likes the ladies. And a few gentlemen too. But not for very long. He used to be a favorite on all the gossip sites. Partied. A lot. But you know, some of those pictures from back in the day were with Gregori and we know he’s changed. He’s had the same core group of friends for years. Gregori and Ian Brewster, the restaurateur friend he mentioned, both live here in Seattle. Another lives somewhere in Europe. That shows something good about him, I think. He’s loyal once he, uh, commits.”

  Cora clapped her hands over her ears for a moment, blushing hard. She shouldn’t be gossiping about him! “Oh my god. I should have stopped you sooner but let’s be honest, I wanted to hear it.” She waved a hand, took a bite of her doughnut and thought awhile before she spoke again. “I knew about most of it. I’ve followed his career here and there over the years. I’m going to let him make me dinner. We’ll catch up and have—hopefully—great conversation, and then if there’s anything else—smooching, groping, what have you—that’s all good. At some point he’ll take his new recipes and that chiseled jaw away from Seattle. So why not enjoy what I can now? It’s not like I want him to move in or be my boyfriend or whatever. I just want some fun and to hang out with an old friend. Hopefully have excellent sex. Also I’d like a dog, which isn’t really about sexing up Beau, but more of a life goal thing. Not a big one because my little yard isn’t really good for a big dog. Small and smart and not yappy. I don’t like yappy dogs and the neighbors would complain.”

  “This conversation is moving at the speed of light. I’m here for it. And another doughnut. We need to start our walks again so I can have more than one doughnut without guilt,” Maybe said, and then started to snicker. “Just kidding. I love having more than one doughnut and feel zero guilt about that. But I do love our walks too.”

  Rachel said, “Okay, now that you’ve told us about your romantic life, why don’t you tell us the rest. Seeing you so happy about this Beau thing has underlined for me I’ve seen that Cora less and less over the last eighteen months or so. You’ve sounded less and less happy, more and more tired. Don’t you think it’s time to seriously rethink your job situation?”

  They knew her so well. She hadn’t even really had to say anything.

  “I love to travel. A few weeks away is one thing, but three months and more? Too much. And, to be totally honest? It’s a lot harder on my mother than it used to be. But she won’t admit it and she doesn’t have an off switch. So things go left and I have to clean up the mess. Then she gets mad at me because she’s not forty anymore. More often than not what I do is make excuses for some terrible thing she’s done to
make someone cry and keeping her out of jail or worse. It makes me tired.” And it wasn’t what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. Being her mother’s cleanup person wasn’t a career she was interested in.

  “Fair enough. She’s a big personality. But you’re not her keeper.” Maybe used what was left of her doughnut to stab Cora’s way and underline the point.

  “Ha! I totally am her keeper. It’s turned into a family joke. I’m the Walda whisperer, the keeper of the creative. It’s fucking exhausting and I don’t think it serves her. Not who she is now. Her career is different. The world is different. I’m different.” Cora shrugged. “Anyway, I used to be content wandering the globe whenever and wherever she needed me. It was wonderful while it was wonderful. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve had a relationship with my mom that is totally unique and good. But it’s also... I’m the mom most of the time.”

  “I think it’s absolutely fair that you want to reevaluate the situation now. Yes, she’s getting older, more frail. Especially in the last two or three years.” Rachel paused, looked Cora square on. “Even if none of those things were true it’s still okay. You’re an adult. You get to make choices based on what you want. You get that, right? You want to build a life that’ll take you into your future. You want to shift gears, sink roots and make a life that entails a different sort of work,” Rachel said. “Do it.”

  “It should be all right for a while. She’s done, except for promotion, which won’t start for three or four months. And even then it shouldn’t take her too far from home. I should encourage that.” Cora grabbed her notebook and jotted a note down to do more radio and podcast interviews and to have them done in a local recording studio instead of traveling.

  Rachel looked pointedly at the notebook before focusing on Cora again. “You’re still taking a few weeks off though, right?”

  “Well. I won’t be traveling anywhere nonrecreational. In fact, I was thinking of leaf peeping and could probably include some birding. Perhaps cap it off with a stop at Samish Cheese? Something for everyone.” Cora grinned at them.