Torn

by Lauren Dane

  “Oh good! It’s always nice to see him.”

  “If you stay over I’ll drive you to work in the morning,” he said.

  “You really don’t have to do that. My car is here. I can drive.”

  “I know. But I like to. I like taking care of you. Ian and I are going produce shopping shortly after you need to be there anyway. So it’s not out of my way.” Even if it was, he’d have taken her.

  With the second contact, he’d been reminded about how much better he felt when she was there with him. In his house that had a top-of-the-line security system. And just a few days prior, they’d finished construction on a gate at the front. Mail and packages could be delivered but it wasn’t easy to come into the front yard unless you were supposed to be there.

  Her town house didn’t have that. And they knew where she was. Sometimes that brought sick dread to his gut.

  He couldn’t make her totally safe from all dangers but he could do all he could without going overboard. And he did get obsessed fans who inevitably found out where he lived so the gate and security system kept him safer too.

  “Twist my arm. I suppose I’ll make the sacrifice and sleep over where there’s awesome sex on tap and a very well-stocked kitchen. Jezzy likes it better here anyway. She barked at The Hugger after he took her stick and he gave me a lecture about noise. They listen to Foghat and get drunk in their hot tub! At eleven at night! The. Nerve.”

  “The guy is a total tool. You know,” he said, “you could move in here.” He’d planned to say that in February, not the end of December. “The dog is here most of the time anyway. You have your own closet that’s just as big as mine. It’s not walking distance from the gallery, which is a drawback. But it’s fifteen minutes and I’m always happy to drive you. I like having you here. I like your things in the bathroom and you and your friends watching movies in the living room. I love you, Cora. You’re all I never knew I wanted because how could I even have known such a thing existed? I know it’s early and you’re probably worried. But I’m all in.”

  She looked at him long enough that he began to wonder if he should try to rein some of it back in. Ease off until she was ready.

  “You said you loved me.”

  He nodded. “I do. Probably should have waited a while. I’d meant to. Like make it romantic, tell you on Valentine’s Day and then ask you to move in. But I don’t want to wait that long. I want to tell you now and have you live with me now. Jezzy wants that too.”

  The latter barked when she heard her name.

  “I’ve loved people before. Not romantic love, though until you, I thought the fondness I’d felt was something closer to love than it really was. Because now that I have you and I know what love is capable of being. I love you too. And I have for pretty much a month at least but I’ve been telling myself it was too fast but.” She shrugged. “Whatever the case. I know what’s real. And if you’re cool with me living here, then okay. I’ll need to handle my town house. Maybe I’ll rent it out.”

  It hit him then that he’d just made the biggest commitment in his life. Yes he’d been married in the eyes of the church but he’d been a kid. This was a woman he planned to grow old with. He chose her. Every day, multiple times a day, he chose her and chose what would be best for her or for them.

  This was the next step on his journey and now he had a partner at his side. Now he believed he was worthy of the kind of happiness he’d begun to experience on a regular basis.

  “You’ve done more for my brain than years of therapy,” he said as he watched her let the dog out to do her business.

  “How so?”

  “I’m happy and I’m not sabotaging it. I like it. I want more.”

  “Probably the therapy loosened you up, like when someone tries to get a jar open and someone else takes it and pops that sucker right away.”

  When the dog came back inside, he locked up while she got a nighttime yummy for Jezzy and they all headed into the bedroom.

  “How do you think your family will react?” he asked her once they’d settled into bed. Jezzy didn’t much like the crate they’d bought, but she slept just fine in the bed in the corner of the room near the heater vent.

  “Beto will be supportive immediately. He knows me best in my family so I won’t get any of that too soon stuff from that direction. Finley will keep a close eye on you. But she’ll respect my choice and they both really do like you. My dad likes you too but I’m his youngest kid. He’s going to think I’m blinded by lust and jumping the gun. But he’ll be supportive overall. It’s who he is. My grandparents are like mega super Catholic but I don’t see them often because they live in Central California so there’s no need to tell them and break my Gigi’s heart because I’m living in sin.”

  “Walda?”

  “She’s going to find a reason to pick. It’s what she does. She does like you.”

  Beau scoffed.

  “No really. She does. Believe me when I tell you that if my mother does not like you, you’ll know it. She has never made a secret of her dislike of anyone or anything. Trust me. You’re a fucking catch. She knows it. And she can see I am totally into you.”

  “So what’s there to complain about?”

  “Well, first, it’s more than just the actual subject of the complaint. It’s the act of complaining that makes it like a cigarette after sex for her. Or chocolate and a glass of wine. So if I were to guess—and keep in mind she’s a wild card so it could be anything—I’d say she’ll bring up how I’m no longer within walking distance of the gallery. How I took it away from her but now I’m already tossing it aside for my boyfriend.”

  He sucked in a breath. “My dad’s narcissism is similar. He assumes authority like she does. He’d say something like I should be spending my energy on serving him and through him, God. But really it was a way to get people to fulfill his needs. Emotionally and physically. Will she get over it? Any insight helps.”

  “Part of this is just who she is. So she’s not actually trying to be bitchy and complain. It’s just part of how she sees things. She puts so much passion into her music and art. Fire. But in her life she can also be negative. It’s her personality. The darkness that balances all the light in her work, I suppose.”

  “You have a lot of insight,” he told her, kissing her shoulder and settling deeper under the blankets.

  “You grew up with a personality like hers so you know you learn how to live around it. I don’t want you to think I’m complaining. Yes, her behavior can be a total pain in the ass. She can be self-centered and all about herself. But she’s also really fun. And interesting. Her work is fantastic. When she’s not getting herself into trouble or making people cry, she’s the type who will take her kids to picnics in the park. I’ve eaten bread and sipped wine on the banks of the Seine with her as we had heated debates about what our favorite piece we’d seen in this or that gallery on any given day. She was a super fun mom when she wasn’t a super distracted mom. She’s not mean. She loves her family. She’s just... Yes, she’ll get over it. And she’ll still complain five years from now, just so you know.”

  He liked that she saw the two of them together years from then.

  “Well. My biological family thinks we’ll be going to hell. But if it’s any consolation, they already thought that about me when I left. But my friends, especially the ones who know you, will think this is great because they know I wouldn’t do this lightly.”

  “We have a dog now. We need to work and stay together so she doesn’t have to suffer through her parents breaking up,” Cora told him sleepily. “You love me,” she sighed happily.

  “I really do, Cora. I really do. And you love a mug like me.” Miracles did happen. She was his.

  “I do, Beau. I really do.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  We’re supposed to love hard.

  That’s why we’re here.<
br />
  Love like you were born for it

  CORA WALKED AN already-leash-trained Jezzy around Rachel and Maybe’s neighborhood with her friends at her side. She wanted to tell them her good news in person so it had been agony to wait the three days to see them.

  “Who is the bestest girl?” she called to Jezzy, who pranced just a little bit more.

  “I can’t believe someone would just toss her out. She’s such a sweet dog! Who does that?” Maybe said.

  “Garbage people, that’s who. She’s potty trained, great on a leash, sweet and obedient. Though she tries to steal my man. Can’t really blame her though,” Cora joked. “So. I’m moving into his place. Oh, and he told me he loved me.”

  “Wow! Wow, wow.” Rachel turned to hug Cora and Maybe threw her arms around them both.

  She told them the story while Jezzy sniffed things, peed when necessary to leave a calling card.

  “I’m assuming you’re happy or you’d have told us differently. Congratulations. I think this is a very good step for you both,” Maybe said. “I’m thrilled. Or all three of you since you have Her Majesty now.”

  “Have you told your parents yet? Your siblings?” Rachel asked as they resumed their walk.

  “Not yet. I will but you know how it goes. I want to present it right while letting them know it’s my choice and I already made it as an adult. Everyone will be all right, but as usual, Walda is the wild card. I think she likes Beau. And I know she’s happy to see me happy even if she has difficulty expressing it. I told Beau if she didn’t like him, everyone would know and that’s the truth. But that doesn’t mean she won’t make it into a big deal if the idea appeals to her.”

  “If you need a big mom type reaction with hugs and excitement, tell Irena. She’ll be happy for you,” Rachel said of her mother-in-law-to-be.

  “I’m holding that in reserve for that very reason,” Cora told them both with a laugh. After a bit of silence she added, “Things are wonderful right now I’m trying not to worry about the other shoe dropping.”

  Rachel took her free hand a moment and squeezed. “I understand. It’s okay to be wary. This is your future and your heart and obviously Maybe and I are just fine with your being careful with them. But you deserve this man looking at you like you hung the moon. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and also like you’re hotter than fire. That’s Beau. Let yourself be happy but remember not to lose your head.”

  “Pregnancy has made her wiser than usual,” Maybe said. “But she’s right. If he fucks up, we’ll descend on him like furies. I think he gets that. I think you get that. Love is good, right? Let yourself have it.”

  “His house is really safe,” Rachel told her. “I checked the grounds out and his security system. The gate around the front access point is very wise. I don’t like it that the letter to him showed up at your town house. You’re far more exposed there. Another plus to moving in with Beau. Do you need help with getting stuff moved?”

  “Why? If I do, are you, the woman getting married in just a few days who also happens to be knocked up, going to heft boxes? I’m sure Vic will be just fine with that idea.” Cora rolled her eyes at her friend’s reaction to his pregnant wife being part of any moving crew at that point.

  “Maybe and I know a lot of wild bearded Russians. I was volunteering them,” Rachel explained. “Vic barely lets me out of his sight at this point, so no, I don’t think I’ll be helping you take your bed apart or hefting all your books.”

  Beau’s stuff was a lot nicer than hers so she wasn’t that worried about her furniture. But she’d never leave her books behind. In fact, she was thinking about floor-to-ceiling built-in bookcases in what had been a formal living room near the master at the back of the house. They didn’t need a formal living room. But a library would be perfect.

  “I think I might rent my town house. See if the renters want a lot of the furniture left there. Then I can finish paying my mortgage and have it for my old age. Or if and when I have a kid who needs to go to college. It’s not like Beau will take money from me. I offered and he just looked at me before saying, Why would you do that? I’m rich. I don’t need it. He then sexed me up so hard I forgot to argue with him.” Cora smiled at that memory.

  “Ugh. You are such a filthy whore,” Maybe said with a snicker.

  “I’m a flawed individual, absolutely,” Cora agreed. “The power of good dick I guess.”

  After they’d all stopped laughing, Cora added, “I’m so grateful for you two. To have you to share all the good stuff—and the bad stuff too—has been such a great part of my life. I don’t know what I’d have done without your support and love.”

  Rachel’s laughter shot into tears and sniffles. “Damn this pregnancy hormone stuff! I cry at everything now. Cotton commercials? Check. The bartender at Whiskey Sharp brought me water with lemon slices because that helps with my nausea and I legit burst into tears. If I’m like this and the wee sprocket is still a tenant in my uterus, what am I going to be like once he or she is born?”

  Jezzy turned to cock her head at Rachel before she trotted over to her. Rachel picked her up and they all walked back to Alexsei and Maybe’s house.

  “For what it’s worth, you’re going to be fine. You’re going to get past this stage at some point,” Cora said, hoping it was true. “There’ll be a new stage. And come on, let’s be real, it’s also okay if you do end up being more emotional once you have a kid. I sing songs in the shower while Jezzy howls along on the other side of the enclosure because I don’t want her to get lonely. And then I get sniffly when I think what if she doesn’t want me to get lonely either and that’s why she’s singing with me? You’re supposed to love hard. That’s why we’re here.”

  After hanging out awhile longer, she headed to her town house to grab some clothes and a few boxes of things she needed for the house. Jezzy followed her around, sniffing things when Cora held them out.

  “This is what I envisioned when I thought about having a dog,” she told Jezzy. “You and me hanging out and shiz. Singing in the shower. Eating stuff and looking adoringly at Beau. It’s like we’re twins.”

  Cora got kisses in response and that goofy dog smile. Jezzy’s tail got to wagging so hard her whole back end was moving and it made her laugh.

  “I have a lot of clothes and shoes,” she confessed immediately when she and Jezzy got home an hour or so later.

  Home.

  “You have a closet twice the size of my first apartment in New York but if you need more room, the house is big enough for you to find it.” He bent to scratch Jezzy’s ears before straightening and kissing Cora. “I take it you have boxes in the car you need help with?”

  “A few, though they’re mostly light. I did bring some of my books though.”

  The closet he’d given her—no, it was her closet in their house—was indeed massive and far larger than she actually needed, but it was hers and theirs and she felt nothing but excitement about the future with him.

  She hung her things up. Slid things into the built-in drawers. Lined up some shoes and bags and sighed, satisfied. Jezzy had scampered off to the living room, where Beau let her watch dog television which was an actual real thing. And Jez loved it. They even left it on for her if they went out.

  “I told Maybe and Rachel about us moving in together,” she said as she dropped onto the couch at Beau’s side. “We had one of those squealing happy girl hug moments right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Then Rachel cried about some stuff, and then we all cried about some stuff, and then laughed about crying. Jez was all up in our faces giving kisses though. She’s so handy that way. If I wasn’t watching her so closely I think one of those Dolan women would steal my dog, and then I’d have to hunt them down.”

  “Your dog? Our dog. I’m glad they were happy for you. I told Ian and Gregori this afternoon so you’ll want to tell Wren soon.”

/>   “Oh crap, that’s right. Hang on.” She called Wren. “Hi there!” she said when her friend answered. “I wanted to tell you when we were face-to-face but Gregori knows now because he had lunch with Beau and Ian so I figured I’d call. To tell you Beau and I are moving in together.”

  “That’s awesome,” Wren told her. “I can’t wait to hear all the details when we see you at the wedding on Saturday.”

  They chatted a minute or two more before she disconnected and turned her attention back to Beau. “Done. How was your day other than lunch with Gregori and Ian?”

  “Pretty excellent. After lunch I returned a call to my agent. I don’t even have to go to New York for the show pitch. The notes I sent, along with the cookbook-connected stuff was enough. I have a new series starting filming in the spring. It’ll hit the air about three months after that and coincide with the cookbook release. This will be my third so I’ve got the process down pretty well. I’ll spend about a week cooking and photographing all the dishes, and then send it all to my cookbook team and they’ll organize it into something awesome.”

  “Holy shit, that’s amazing!” She launched herself into his lap and rained kisses all over his face. “I’m so proud of you.” And happy to know he’d be working in Seattle instead of elsewhere. In their home, which would maybe be weird but he said it really wasn’t that bad so she’d trust him.

  “It’s a level of success I really appreciate, that’s for sure. I was thinking you should try your hand at doing the photography. I mean if you wanted to. I like your eye. More than that, you have a very what I like to think of as a Northwest perspective. I want that flavor to ring through on every level with this cookbook so I think you’d really capture that through your lens.”

  “Wow,” Cora said as she settled next to him again. Jezzy gave her the are you finished look and got back into her place in between them. “I’m wildly flattered but I hate to think of screwing up and tanking your sales. Shouldn’t you hire a professional?”