Peace In My Heart

by Freda Lightfoot

  ‘Not at all,’ Annie gently stated.

  ‘We’ve loved having them here,’ Sadie warmly told her.

  ‘And do call us by our first names, dear lady. And may I call you Evelyn?’

  ‘Of course, although generally I prefer Evie,’ she said with a smile. ‘You must have been shocked though when Megan recently turned up again.’

  Annie gave a shake of her head. ‘We were a little surprised but the dear girl felt very much in need of returning to the school she’s familiar with and the sports she enjoys with her friends. The changes in her life have caused her some confusion, I believe. But we certainly have no objection to her staying here with us as we’re most fond of her.’

  Sadie gave Evie a gentle smile. ‘We are indeed, and appreciate that Megan wishes to stay here during term-time. We do fully understand that you’ll miss her. She has stated that she’ll miss you and her siblings too so will be happy to return home for each school holiday and half term. How would you feel about that?’

  This was a compromise that Evie found slightly painful but realized she must accept. Aware how her girls had developed a strong sense of self-determination over the years of their evacuation, this was a practical decision made by Megan. And to her surprise she did feel a warm admiration for these delightful ladies who were clearly content for Megan to remain under their care, at least for a part of each year. The prospect of having Megan return home to Manchester for weeks at a time filled her with delight and relief. Much better than nothing. ‘That would be perfectly acceptable. Spending holidays with my younger daughter is something I would greatly look forward to.’

  ‘Of course you would, dear lady. She could, of course, also visit you for the odd weekend, if she wished,’ Annie added.

  ‘That would be good too,’ Evie agreed, making it clear that she would contribute a reasonable sum for Megan’s accommodation and care. The two ladies attempted to convince her that wasn’t at all necessary but ultimately felt obliged to accept this offer, Evie being her mother. An agreement between them duly accomplished, Evie happily spent the rest of the day being shown around Blackpool by her young daughter.

  Having enjoyed a wonderful week’s holiday Joanne said goodbye to the lovely landladies and Bernie, as well as her sister, saying how she looked forward to seeing Megan again soon when she came home for the summer holidays. She then caught the train with her mother and for a while they sat in silence, each obsessed with their personal thoughts and concerns.

  ‘I’m so glad you came today. I did feel it was vital that you accepted Megan’s decision and not depress yourself with regret. She is growing more fond of you and looking forward to spending the summer with you, Mam. But staying here during term-time works well for her, having lived here so long.’

  ‘Aye, ’course it does. What about you, lovey, do you miss Blackpool too, not to mention that lovely young man, Bernie, you spent time with?’

  Surprised to find herself blushing, Joanne gave a wry smile. ‘He’s a pleasant young man and we always had a sort of friendship but he only offered to marry me because I’d made a stupid mistake.’ She at last went on to briefly explain what she’d feared had happened to her, seeing a look of shock reverberate in her mother’s face.

  Then a flash of sympathy appeared in her mother’s eyes. ‘Who was he, this fella?’

  ‘A GI I got to know. He charmed, kissed and caressed me for weeks, then did whatever he fancied before vanishing out of my life. I stupidly believed that he loved me, which he clearly didn’t, not having heard from him since. You must swear to me that you won’t ever mention this to a soul, Mam, certainly not Dad.’ She went on to briefly explain how the doctor had examined her and insisted she was still a virgin. ‘I can but hope he was right and at least I was not pregnant.’

  ‘Thank God for that.’

  ‘That’s when I cancelled Bernie’s offer of marriage to protect me. I was ashamed of being so naive, innocent and stupid. If only I hadn’t been,’ she said, managing a tremulous smile. ‘I feel decimated and unable to trust any man ever again. A few of my work colleagues have shown a little interest in me, but I feel none for them. I doubt I’ll find anyone to love ever again.’ Tears filled her eyes, misery yawning like a black pit inside her.

  Her mother had fallen silent, as if struggling to find appropriate words, then, grasping her daughter’s hand, she gave it a sympathetic squeeze. ‘You can understand why I never wanted to lose you. Sending my children away as evacuees seemed the right way to keep you safe during that blasted war. But aware that I would no longer be around to protect my girls and son as you grew up was not at all easy to live with. I wish I had been, love.’

  ‘I wish you had too, Mam, but such was the reality of war. Now I have no faith in myself, considering I was a piece of shabby rubbish.’

  ‘No you weren’t, love. You did nothing wrong. That GI was the culprit, not you. Many men of all nationalities were polite and well behaved throughout the war. Others created havoc, obsessed with satisfaction for themselves, possibly because they feared death. Block this issue out of your head and concentrate on building yourself a good life, then this low opinion of yourself will pass, given time.’

  ‘Thanks, Mam, what a treasure you are. I will follow your advice as well as learn more about knitting and sewing,’ she assured her, causing them both to laugh, happily aware they were growing ever closer.

  It was as they turned to walk down the maze of small yards and lanes leading off Wood Street towards their house, that they saw Danny come tearing towards them. When he reached them he stopped running and stood panting for breath, his eyes stretched wide in devastation as he said that when he’d arrived home he’d found his father dangling from the ceiling. ‘He’s hanged himself, Mam.’

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Joanne found her father’s funeral most distressing, not at all what she’d expected to happen. She remembered the happy years she’d spent with him when she was young. He’d taught her how to ride the bicycle he bought her, and would often sit with her on his lap singing her songs or telling stories that made her laugh. She’d missed him so much and had been delighted to find him safely home again at the end of the war.

  Rain sheeted down from grey clouds, a typical April shower, as they stood huddled beneath their umbrellas in the cemetery. Joanne put her arm around her mother and could feel Evie shaking as she quietly wept. Megan, having been brought by Bernie to Manchester on the train, was tucked close beside her mother too, holding her other arm. Joanne felt a great appreciation and sense of comfort for Bernie’s kind support, such a caring lad. His closeness felt so appealing. Danny was standing beside them looking ashen pale, not surprising considering he was the one who found his father hanging from the ceiling light in the living-kitchen, the chair he’d stood on having been kicked away. Cathie and Brenda were also attending the funeral, as well as Davie and a few more of Donald’s old friends plus members of the RAF, all too aware of what he’d suffered as a pilot in the war and as a PoW.

  Now he was gone for ever. Why on earth would he commit suicide when he’d been making a good recovery?

  Barely having listened to the prayers the vicar was reading, she now heard him saying: ‘We now commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust: in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.’ Tears flooded her eyes as she watched her father’s coffin deposited into the cold dark earth. How would they face life without him?

  Cathie, Brenda, various stalwart members of the RAF and a few neighbours joined them for the wake, gathering together in the living-kitchen where they were provided with the tea and sandwiches Joanne had prepared, surprisingly with Bernie’s assistance. Curtains were drawn and photos of Donald displayed on the dresser. Memories of him were shared and much consolation and sympathy offered to his family. Once everyone had politely departed, the three of them, and Bernie, sat with her mother at the table, a degree of silence permeating through them.

  ‘
Admittedly Donald was still a bit authoritative as a result of that trauma he suffered,’ Evie remarked woefully. ‘Sometimes treating his son and daughters as if they were young kids, even though they’d grown much older and are far more independent, having become accustomed to coping with their own problems and decisions in life.’

  Joanne smiled. ‘We could sympathize with that fatherly feeling in him. I remember Danny describing a conversation he’d had with him about the effect of the war and how he’d said very little.’

  Looking devastated by his loss, her brother gave a nod. ‘He did speak of the day his crew had died when their plane had been shot down, then said; “I struggled to get my legs out of my seat, pulled up the pack of my parachute while doing my utmost to stop the aircraft from falling out of the sky. By the time we jumped we were too close to the earth to genuinely survive.” It was then that he’d been caught by the enemy but made no mention of that. He instantly changed the subject and bossed me into doing more work. At other times he’s been quite attentive and sympathetic of our problems, if still extremely silent about the anguish he’d experienced as a PoW.’

  Joanne could understand the damaging effect this must have had upon Donald. ‘Oh, but why did he choose to depart?’

  ‘God knows,’ Danny groaned. ‘I doubt I’ll ever get over what I saw he’d done that day. It was so terrifying I felt I’d failed him in some way, that I should have been around to protect him.’

  Wiping the tears from her eyes, Evie put her arms around her son. ‘You were most caring of him. I know your dad hasn’t been easy to live with recently, having mental issues, but he would not have revealed the anguish he’d suffered if he hadn’t felt a closeness with you, love. Possibly he killed himself because he couldn’t get over the fact he’d lost his mates, in addition to having been captured and tortured, and maybe again fell into a severe depression, as he tended to do at times. Who knows what he endured as a prisoner of war. It’s tragic and most odd that he lost all hope for himself in life when we genuinely believed he was improving. And he did love me so much, as well as his children.’

  ‘He did indeed, and had sorely missed us. How tragic that he’d finally lost the courage to remain alive, despite his ill health being slowly on the mend. Poor man!’ Joanne shuddered, the pain in her chest filling her entire body with despair.

  Getting to his feet, Bernie gave a little cough and politely informed them that he was now off to find himself a room for the night.

  ‘No need for that,’ Joanne quickly told him. ‘We do appreciate you accompanying Megan here, which made sure she had a safe journey. The hotel where I work has kindly offered a room for you at a low rate, so I’ve booked it for you.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, that’s good to know.’ He quietly sat down again, giving her a smile.

  Turning to her mother, Joanne gently patted her hand. ‘I’ll stay with you tonight, Mam, or longer if you wish.’

  ‘No need, love. I have Megan and Danny here and I know you’ll be working first thing in the morning although—’

  She was interrupted by Megan. ‘I can’t stay here tomorrow, Mam. I have to get back to school. But I’ll see you in July, when the term is over.’

  ‘I’ve got the necessary tickets so I’ll be taking her back,’ Bernie politely informed her.

  A bleakness came into Evie’s face as she attempted to politely smile. ‘Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. I dare say you’re right, Megan, and will look forward to seeing you again soon, darling. And you too, Joanne. I always enjoy seeing you when you visit or come to stay, particularly when you help with my stall on your Saturday off. Although I think I’ll give it a miss this week, as well as the job I do for Mullins. I’m not feeling capable of working right now.’ Tears again filled her eyes, rolling untouched down her cheeks.

  Joanne gave her mother a warm hug as she gently wiped them away. ‘A good idea. I can fully understand your need for a break and time to relax. Do allow yourself time to deal with your grief. Then you’ll need to press on with life and perhaps plan a new future.’

  ‘If that man you work for is anything like his son I reckon you should resign and work for yourself,’ Megan stated firmly, sticking up her pert chin as she tightened her mouth.

  ‘She is making a valid point,’ Joanne agreed softly, clearly realizing her sister had no wish to say too much. ‘Have you decided whether you’ll resign?’

  ‘I was definitely in the process of making such a decision. Right now I’m too locked in grief, but will hopefully come to a conclusion once I get my brain working again and feel ready to return to work, if only for myself. Oh, but why did Donald leave me?’ And covering her face with her hands, she began to sob again.

  The following day, Joanne joined her sister and Bernie, walking with them to Victoria Station. ‘Here’s some money, lovey, so go and buy yourself a book to read on the journey and some sweeties.’ As her sister scuttled off to WHSmith she put out her hand to give Bernie’s a shake. ‘Goodbye and thanks for your help. She’s nearly thirteen now but still in need of care, and does trust you.’

  ‘That’s good to hear, although she does tell me off if I don’t obey her instructions.’

  Joanne laughed. ‘I know that feeling. She’s a very determined and self-opinionated girl. Do let me know when the school closes and she’ll be free to return home and spend some valuable time with our mam. I’ll come to collect her if you like, as you will probably be busily occupied with your own work, aware that in the summer holidays Blackpool is packed with tourists.’

  ‘Not sure whether the school closes the first or second week in July. I’ll make sure she writes to give you that information once she investigates that. I may well bring her if I feel the urge to visit Manchester or wish to see you again. If you’re not against that. I assume we can at least be friends?’

  Taking a short pause, Joanne lowered her eyes and gave a little nod. ‘Of course.’ Strangely, a part of her wished they could be more than that.

  Moments later, the train came puffing in, sending a shaft of smoke everywhere. Megan gave her a hug and a kiss, promising to write to her every week and looked forward to seeing her soon. Bernie helped her sister safely on-board then Joanne stepped back to wave as she watched the train chug out. A part of her wished she too could have gone with Megan and Bernie, and yet how could she bear to leave her mother, now that she was largely alone?

  In the days following, deeply grieving for the loss of her beloved husband, Evie found herself sitting doing nothing, rarely eating or sleeping, her mind locked up in the happy years they’d spent together. They used to regularly go to dance halls, their favourites being the Ritz and the Palais de Danse on Rochdale Road. They’d also loved walking in Platt Fields and Philips Park. And once they were married they’d frequently made love and revelled in caring for their children. The effect of losing Donald seemed to have destroyed her ability to contemplate how to live, let alone reorganize her future. Facing life without him felt utterly devastating.

  Oh, and how she missed her daughters too. Joanne was now local and called in to see her most days, being aware of the grief she was suffering. Megan was far away back in Blackpool where she was at least happy and would be home again soon. When Joanne had been sexually fondled by that GI, she’d believed that was because he’d been in love with her, as she’d loved him. Maybe he had been quite fond of her and thankfully didn’t actually seduce her. How she prayed she never would be.

  Harold Mullins’s threat was entirely terrifying. He’d never been faithful to his wife; always keen to explore other women. Evie certainly had no intention of allowing that ever to happen to her. Thank God Donald had appeared and innocently succeeded in helping her to escape him the day he’d threatened to seduce her, if only by buying her a shandy in the pub. If he hadn’t, she’d have found some way to escape that bastard. Evie was still filled with a sickening fear over what Mullins had threatened to do, dreading he might attempt it again. She could but hope he would now have the respect
to leave her in peace, having lost her husband.

  Valiantly attempting to block the pain out of her head and free herself from him, she resorted to fully occupying herself with lacemaking. Some of it was scalloped, embroidered, floral and quite delicate bridal lace veils. Thanks to her sales on Campfield Market her income was gradually improving, although not yet sufficient to live on. Evie firmly decided that once it reached a sensible level, she would gladly resign from this illegal betting job she was involved in.

  She still felt desperately in need of the money she earned from this work she did for that dreadful man, not least because she still had children to pay for one way or another. Joanne was becoming responsible for herself but Danny earned very little, being still young, and she of course had volunteered to pay those landladies for their care of Megan. Would she be entitled to some of her husband’s pension? Evie wasn’t even certain about that. Having still failed to find a new job, flat or house, she had no choice but to continue working for Mullins, at least for a little while longer.

  One evening when she again delivered the usual small sums of repaid debts she’d collected from his betting clients, he instructed her to step into his house. This was not something she had any wish to do so quietly refused. ‘Sorry, but I have to go and cook supper for my son. I’ve handed you the money and list of people who paid.’

  ‘I wish to discuss something of importance with you,’ he said. Evie felt deeply disturbed when he took hold of her arm and led her inside. Directing her to sit in a chair by the fire, he handed her a glass of port then poured himself a glass of whisky. ‘My sympathy for the loss of your husband,’ he said. He raised his glass in respect then took a long sip of his whisky. ‘You must be feeling a bit lonely. Whenever tha feel in need of a little company you’re free to come and join me at the Dog and Duck any evening, or for a meal here if you want. May I get you summat now?’