Imzadi Forever

by Peter David

  The problem was, Sergeant Tang had made a valid point. Running in pursuit of Deanna, making calls to the mansion, trying to start things up when she was clearly so intimidated by her mother…it didn’t sound like a pleasant experience. The question was, which was the potentially more humiliating? Throwing himself at Deanna? Or losing the bet?

  He kept hearing Tang’s voice in his head, warning him about strategy. Warning him…

  …his voice in his head.

  That’s when it hit him.

  The next day, after an early-morning meeting with Tang to review the latest Starfleet reports about raider activity, Riker headed over to the university. He staked out a place for himself, seated on the edge of a large, ornate sculpture in the middle of the campus. And he simply waited. Sooner or later, Deanna was going to have to pass by.

  He spent half a day there, watching the sun pass over in the sky, watching the shadows shift position. They were simple, meaningless things. But he stared at them, focused on them, practicing. And as he did so, he slowed down his breathing, drawing out each breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

  He did so with more than just an interest in finding his calm, inner self. He had a purpose, a drive to his actions. He used the urgency and determination to focus his thoughts, focus everything he did.

  He had completely lost track of time, but something made him look up.

  There she was.

  She was walking across the campus, chatting with a couple of friends. She was laughing at something, and for a flash of an unreasonable instant, Riker felt tremendous resentment. Why should she be cheerful when he was feeling so much mental clutter?

  But that wasn’t what this was about. He couldn’t submit to that clutter; he had to brush away the confusion, concentrate fully on the matter at hand.

  He didn’t look at her. Instead he was staring at the lengthening shadows, once again performing the steady in-and-out breathing. He reached down into himself, down into that determination that fueled the drive of his career. Except now that core of energy was going to fuel something else.

  He felt it welling up inside him, felt—or at least hoped he felt—the ability, the potential, there for him to tap. And now he sought out Deanna.

  There she was, her measured strides having taken her only a couple of meters beyond where she had been before. And she was looking his way. Apparently she had just noticed him, and she gently elbowed one of her girlfriends and nodded in Riker’s direction. The other girl looked, too, and all three of them seemed to be sizing him up for a moment before putting their heads together and giggling.

  And Riker took Deanna’s image, took a mental snapshot, and imprinted it onto his mind. And then he cut loose in an undisciplined, inelegant burst.

  You’re afraid of me, he informed her.

  The reward to his herculean effort was immediate. Deanna was thrown off-step, and her head snapped around in astonishment. She looked right at him, and on her face was utter shock.

  To her credit, she recovered immediately. She fell back into step and made every effort to act as if nothing unusual had happened.

  But Riker knew, dammit, he knew.

  He tried to send again, but now his thoughts were cluttered, whirling and flushed with the excitement of his success. He couldn’t pull himself together again fast enough—he hadn’t developed nearly enough discipline.

  He realized that he’d had the equivalent of beginner’s luck. That didn’t change the fact, though, that he had let Deanna know precisely what he was thinking. He had, in essence, thrown down the gauntlet right on her own turf of the mind.

  She studiously looked away from him as she and her friends made their way across the campus. Deanna had, in fact, picked up the pace. It was clear to Riker why: she was concerned that he was going to come running after her.

  However, he had no intention of doing that. In fact, when Deanna was almost out of sight, she risked a quick glance behind her. All she saw was Riker sitting precisely where he had been before, his legs crossed, looking like a smug Buddha.

  Riker was sound asleep when an insistent rapping came at his door. He sat up in confusion, checking his chronometer. It was the middle of the night.

  The first thought he had was that there was some sort of attack. He tossed the blanket around himself and ran to the door.

  Deanna was standing there, her arms folded, her eyes bright.

  “I am not afraid of you.”

  It took a moment for Riker to shift gears and realize that there was no danger from imminent alien assaults. Still, he composed himself quickly. “You could have fooled me.”

  “Obviously you’re not all that difficult to fool. On what grounds do you say that I’m afraid of you?”

  “On the grounds that you cut off all communication with me. On the grounds that you’re steering clear of me.”

  “I cut off communication with you because, as far as I was concerned, I had better things to do with my time than devote it to someone who couldn’t possibly understand the subtleties of our philosophies.”

  “Well, obviously I’m understanding something,” he said, leaning against the doorframe, “because I projected thoughts to you.”

  “A fluke. Pure happenstance. Besides, you didn’t do it for the satisfaction of opening up your mind. You did it so that you could get my attention; maybe even get back at me, in some crude way. As for steering clear of you, my presence here should be enough to show how ridiculous that is. On what grounds can you—?”

  “On the grounds,” Riker interrupted remorselessly, “that every time you’re close to me you start to lose control. Your body starts sending you signals that your brain doesn’t want to accept. Face it, Deanna…I’m upsetting your nice little intellectual applecart.”

  Her gaze was steady and unrelenting. “Get dressed.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Out.”

  “Where? Why should I go with you if you won’t tell me where it is we’re going.”

  She looked at him defiantly. “What’s the matter, Lieutenant, afraid of me?”

  “All right,” he said after a moment. “Give me a couple of minutes.”

  “Take all the time you want.”

  It was a fairly warm night. Where Deanna stood, she was framed in the moonlight reflecting off a large lake, providing some degree of illumination. Her arms were crossed as if she were cold.

  Riker stood behind her, waiting patiently. “Lovely area,” he said tentatively. “You come here often?”

  “Yes.” She sounded distracted. “From time to time.”

  “It’s pretty remote.”

  “That’s deliberate.”

  They were at the edge of a forest. Riker glanced up at the trees with their outstretched branches, like fingers that wanted to drag him into the darkness of the woods. “So now what? We hang from branches some more?”

  She turned to face him. “Take your clothes off.”

  He stared at her. “I beg your pardon?”

  “It’s a therapy technique I learned in class a couple of days ago. Take your clothes off. All of them.”

  He grinned lopsidedly. “Okay. What’s the joke? One of your girlfriends hiding in the woods here? I get naked, you guys grab my clothes and run off. I have to make my way back to town, show up at the door of the embassy, and explain why I’m seriously out of uniform. Big laugh on the human. Right?”

  Deanna gave a loud sigh and reached back around to the back of her tunic, undoing some fastenings. Within seconds she stood naked in front of Riker and tossed her outfit to him. It landed in a small bundle at his feet.

  “Take your clothes off.”

  Riker did so.

  They stood nude in the moonlight, facing each other, and then Deanna walked toward him. Riker’s body was trembling inwardly, but he tried not to show it.

  “Lie down.” Her voice was firm, but Riker wondered if she was just as nervous inside as he was.

  Now why in hell was he nerv
ous? It certainly wasn’t as if she were his first.

  Deanna saw him standing there, unmoving. “If you want, and if you still think this is some sort of prank, you can keep your hands on your uniform so no ‘accomplice’ can grab it.”

  Slowly Riker lay down on the ground.

  “On your side. Your back towards me.”

  Completely puzzled, Riker did as she asked. He tucked his legs up slightly, looking slightly fetal and feeling slightly foolish.

  He heard motion behind him and then Deanna was lying next to him. She curled up against him in the manner that humans still called spoons, for the way that spoons fit together when stacked. She slid one arm under him and brought the other over, wrapping herself around him.

  He felt her chin against his shoulder, and that particular connection was easily the least incendiary that occurred to him. The rest of her front was pressed against his back, and his pulse and mind were racing. She felt incredibly warm against him. Every muscle was aching; he felt as if his entire body had too much blood in it…that it didn’t know where to go, and any moment he was going to explode out every pore.

  “Now,” she said softly, “we’re going to talk.”

  His voice was strangled. “T-talk?”

  “Yes. You see…you still have to develop mental discipline. You still have to learn control. You have to be able to deal with me without thinking about me on a physical level.”

  “And this is supposed to make me stop thinking about you physically!” He wanted to flip over and face her, to grab her, to turn her over and—

  “That’s right.” She sounded inhumanly calm. “We are going to chat about whatever you want and just stay like this. You are going to become comfortable with the notion of my sexuality and yours, and that way you’ll be able to move beyond it to more spiritual matters.”

  “I can—” But his voice had gone up an octave. He cleared his throat, trying to ignore the horses galloping through his brain, and started over. “I can think of a far better way to get comfortable with sexuality—and it’ll be a lot more fun than the way I’m feeling right now.”

  “How are you feeling right now?”

  “My body hurts, and I want to bay at the moons.”

  To his surprise, this actually prompted a soft laugh. But then she said, “To give in to those impulses, Will, only undercuts everything I’ve said. The desires of the body must be secondary to the desires of the mind.”

  Riker was ready to kill her. “Why in hell are you doing this?” he grated. “Why are you making me feel like I want to jump out of my skin? I mean, obviously it has no effect on you, but it’s making me crazy!”

  She said something so softly that he didn’t hear it at all. “What?”

  “I said,” she repeated, not without effort, “that it is definitely having an effect on me.”

  “It is? What…um…what sort?”

  One of her hands moved across his chest, and she said, sounding somewhat frustrated, “Well, now, what do you think?”

  Doing the best he could to control his voice and keep the tremble out of it, he said, “Deanna…if both of us are feeling this way…then maybe it would make sense if we…?”

  “Will.” For the first time she actually sounded pleading. “Will, I can’t. Don’t you see? First and foremost, two people have to connect on an intellectual and spiritual level. If they make love purely because of the physical attraction, then it’s just…just a sex act. It would be a mistake.”

  “Deanna…how could giving in to what we both want be a mistake?”

  “I don’t want to, Will.”

  “But you said…?”

  “I don’t want to give in to the impulses that I’m feeling. How can you not understand? It would undercut everything that I believe in. I don’t feel a connection to you on a spiritual level. I don’t feel comfortable with you. I can’t just give myself over, I…”

  “You’re afraid of me.” This time when he said it, there was no challenge in his voice, no mockery. This time he said it and there was…sympathy? Understanding? He wasn’t sure what it was, but all he knew was that he wanted to comfort her. He wanted her to feel better.

  He held her arms tightly against himself, and there was nothing sexual about it. It was as if he were trying to send some of his strength into her.

  “A little,” she said in a voice so small he had to strain to hear it. “I feel a little afraid. When you live by a certain philosophy, and then you meet someone who disrupts that philosophy…” She paused a moment. “It goes back to what we were talking about…about love at first sight. I can accept love at first sight. I can accept lust at first sight. But the latter is something I don’t feel I want to be a part of.”

  “There’s something to be said for just giving yourself over to the pleasure of the moment.”

  “I’m sure you’d be the expert on that, Will.”

  They were silent for a long time after that. He still felt the heat from her, and the slow in and out of her breathing. But it wasn’t affecting him quite the same way.

  “So…so what do we do now?” he asked.

  “We talk.”

  “About what?”

  “About anything you want…anything except sex. The whole point of this is—”

  “To rise above the impulses of our bodies. Yeah, I know.” He thought about it a moment. “Okay. Okay, I’ve got something to talk about.”

  “What?” She sounded almost eager.

  He tried to ignore the musical way her voice seemed to float, and the soft feel of her breath against the back of his ear. “This stuff I was reading about Betazed philosophy…the one you recommended to me.”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “What don’t you get?”

  “Well, for instance…there was this example about a woman being criticized unduly by her supervisor. And she comes and tells me about it.”

  “Yes, I know the scenario. And let me guess: you came up with ways to solve her problem.”

  “Right.”

  “And the text informed you this was the wrong approach.”

  “Right.”

  “And you don’t know why.”

  “Right. So what can possibly be wrong about wanting to solve her problem, instead of just moaning and wailing about it.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with it, if that’s what she wanted. But that’s not what she wanted. The problem is that you’re insensitive to her desires.”

  “Insensitive?” Riker propped himself up on his elbow. “How was I being insensitive? I listened to her difficulties and tried to make her life better for her.”

  “She wasn’t asking you to do that.”

  “But if she—look, let’s make up a name for her…‘Jane’…”

  “Catchy name,” said Deanna dryly.

  “If Jane came to me with her problem, obviously she was coming for help in solving it. That’s a given.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Yes it is,” he insisted. “Look…if a technician goes to the chief engineer and says there’s trouble with the warp core, the chief engineer isn’t going to say, ‘Oh, what a shame, that’s too bad, I know how difficult this must be for you.’ He’s going to say, ‘We’ve got to get that fixed!’A busted engine, an abusive boss…it all boils down to the same thing. Namely, a bad situation that needs to be repaired.”

  “You’re missing the point, Will.”

  “No, I’m not missing the point.” He turned over to face her. Their bodies were now pressed up against each other, flesh to flesh. And incredibly, Riker wasn’t paying attention. “You’re just being obstinate.”

  “And you’re in command mode, Will. The universe isn’t Starfleet. Emotions aren’t regulated. And Jane, as you call her, wasn’t looking for you to solve the problem.”

  “Then why in hell did she come to me!” demanded Riker.

  “She came to you because she was looking for emotional support,” said Deanna patiently. “She k
new she had a problem. She knew it had to be solved; or perhaps she wasn’t going to solve it but simply live with it. Either way, though, she had to deal with it in her own way because it was her problem. What Jane was looking for from you was an augmentation of her emotional strength. She needed you to say that you were sympathetic to her difficulties and were supportive of her. This is the philosophy of RaBeem, which, simply translated, means ‘I understand.’ An even better way to handle it is to tell her of a time when you faced a similar situation—”

  “And describe how I solved it?”

  “And describe how it made you feel. So she knows that whatever frustration and embarrassment she might be encountering is not unique to her. When you’re unhappy or discouraged, it’s very easy to believe that you’re the only person in the world who has ever felt this way. Teenagers experience that feeling most sharply, but adults do also. And what Jane was simply looking for was a sense that she was not alone.”

  “But…but then how does the problem get solved?”

  “It gets solved by her, in whatever manner she chooses. And she’s also looking to you to say that whatever she does, you will support her because it’s the action that she has decided to take.”

  “I’m still not sure I get it.”

  “Oh, you’re starting to.” Deanna smiled. “You just haven’t admitted it.”

  “What you’re saying is that I’m faced with a problem and I shouldn’t make the slightest effort to solve it.”

  “That’s not such a bizarre notion for you to have to deal with, Will. Isn’t that what the Prime Directive is all about?”

  “Not at all. We talked about that, it’s completely different.”

  “Only in scope, not in practice. Just because the problem involves a close friend rather than a civilization of strangers, it doesn’t make the theory any less valid.”

  He was about to reply but realized that he couldn’t think of anything to say. Smiling sympathetically, she ran the back of her fingers across his face. “I know it’s difficult for you, Will. Your impulse is to take command. It’s what you were trained for. It’s what you long to do. But command isn’t the be-all and end-all of life.”

  “It is to me. I hope that doesn’t sound egotistical, but…it’s all I want to do. It’s what I’m aiming for. I want to beat Kirk’s record.”