Diamond in the Rough

by Isobella Crowley

  UPDATE: I managed to find somewhere to plug in my laptop and phone and am perched with my laptop on my lap. <>

  5am Productivity

  Fasting. In an attempt to overcome the low cortisol and testosterone.

  One of the greatest things that has been happening to me recently, likely as a result of the adrenal recovery, and possibly affected by fasting, has been that I’ve been waking up at 5am.

  Yep. You read that right.

  Ellie, the girl who her whole life made a concerted effort to not get up before midday unless she had to, is spontaneously waking up uber early.

  Go figure.

  The reason I’m so psyched about this though is because I am incredibly productive at this time. Between 5 and 9am I can get half a weeks’ worth of tasks done, effortlessly.

  I love it soooo much.

  I’m going to see if I can maintain this. It’s not a case of just routine or will power yet: anyone suffering adrenal fatigue knows the first goal is to get as much sleep as you can, and conserve energy… But there is a possibility in sight! Weeeee….

  <>

  Speaking of Adrenal Fatigue…

  A few weeks ago I started wondering why I would just have slumps in energy. My acupuncturist has been checking my pulse and I’ve had jumps in improvement, and yet he might register an improvement, the same week I’d been laid out.

  <>

  I started wondering what else could be going on. This, combined with my recent revelations about hormones and brain chemistry led me to wonder if there might be something going on with my cortisol and/ or testosterone levels. Yep, mostly known as a male hormone, us women need it too, even if it is in much smaller quantities.

  So we had them tested – and both came back super low.

  The doc changed up my tinctures <> and I’m seeing some improvement in my energy levels now.

  But health stuff aside, what I found most interesting was the changes I’ve noticed in my thinking, especially in the stretch of months prior to the diagnosis.

  I’d noticed my thinking had changed. I’ve always been philosophically bent. I joke that I’ve been having an existential crisis since the age of about eight <> … but, over this last year I’ve noticed drastic changes in the way I think. Not just the thoughts, but the way I process information. It’s become less focused, less driven by necessity and goals.

  More driven by curiosity.

  Just want to read everything! <>

  But at the same time, I’ve only had a few hours of productive time each day, and some days none at all, due to the adrenal fatigue. However, when excess energy occasionally bubbles up, so do all of these other motivations to read and study.

  I also want to examine concepts and find new ideas about the bigger, more abstract questions – and ultimately what are some of the meanings we can ascribe to life.

  I realized that the question we normally ask is “what is the point?” As in “what is the purpose?”

  Which is a mine field of interesting ideas.

  I think we all inherently know that it IS meaningful… but as to why is a conundrum. <>

  Unless you fall back on a set of beliefs, like a religion, or spirituality. <>

  The other reason that gets invoked is the “kids” or “loved ones” argument… which is somewhat routed in societal expectations and evolutionary drives. It doesn’t hold the same value to people who don’t have families or close friends.

  I’ve noticed that those who are more disconnected and intellectually inclined will argue that the work one leaves behind as a legacy is the meaning that they ascribe to their existence.

  Of course, all of these are valid meanings or reasons.

  But meaning is deeply personal, and these don’t register with me on a deep level… so I’m continuing my exploration of the subject.

  The other thing I’ve noticed in the past several months I’ve been actively pursuing this question is that most discourses on the meaning of life center around the male point of view. There’s nothing wrong with that… other than it doesn’t help me as a female. Those that do mention anything about the female perspective tend to point to children and significant others as the thing that gives female meaning… but when you’ve rejected the social spell that your only purpose is to produce and raise children, this also doesn’t fly.

  Apart from anything, the male and female brain are going to produce different ways of looking at things, as a function of different brain structure and different chemistry. The very discussion of the question is altered depending on the brain chemistry of the body we’re in!

  Having read about four books on the differences in male and female neurology and just completed two courses on the topic, I’m interested in what my female brain might come up with.

  Something that isn’t goal orientated or centered only around survival.

  Viktor Frankel in “Man’s Search for Meaning” talks a lot about meaningfulness being generated by the desire to survive: to just get through the bad things, and to get to a better time down the line. To me this is the product of a naturally goal-orientated organism, and having experienced very low levels of testosterone during my recovery, I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of these ways of seeing the world as a series of goals as a function of testosterone.

  I’ve found one book written by women on this subject.

  It’s called “The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters”, by Emily Esfahani Smith. It’s right at the top of my to read list.

  I’ll report back. ;)

  There’s also a dude who is pretty big in literary criticism, Terry Eagleton. He’ll have some interesting thoughts no doubt, so when I’m done reading his book on humor I’ll take a look at what he has to say on “The Meaning of Life.”

  Plus Feynman, one of the coolest physicists who has ever existed, has written something on “The Meaning of it All”. I think I’ll appreciate his take on it, and chances are he might say something more on the subject than the 80% of what I’ve already read.

  So far, and this will be interesting to track this exploration continues, the point I keep coming back to is that life is already ascribed the meaning of whatever we think it means. Ideas and concepts that have been layered into our minds by parents, and teachers, society at a whole, traumatic experiences along the way… and we’re rarely prompted to re-evaluate these concepts.

  But it’s interesting to note that we can reassign the meaning, at any point. We can choose what meaning we give it. <response to not trigger anyone – could a person decide that life has no meaning ergo, they can decide for others what their existence will be. Since it has no meaning – doing something ugly is irrelevant.>>

  I’ve often decided what meaning to assign to life based on the outcome I wanted to create! Yes, the irony of this doesn’t escape me. I am not surprised that in a time of low-T I’m ‘coincidentally’ reconsidering how I construct meaning! I have toyed with the idea that while having such fluidity in my mental structures is an advantage in a lot of instances, there are times when it can leave one (me!) quite adrift. It has occurred to me to just pick a meaning again, and then use it… but since it’s not hurting me to explore the possibilities and the intellectual pursuit of a new frontier, I’m going to hold off on that right now.

  <
  I actually had to look up how estrogen is used in the male body since I’ve never had a conversation like this. Here is the answer (via Google) from a government site:

  Traditionally, testosterone and estrogen have been considered to be male and female sex hormones, respectively. However, estradiol, the predominant form of estrogen, also plays a critical role in male sexual function. Estradiol in men is essential for modulating libido, erectile function, and spermatogenesis.>>

  BACK TO ELLIE

  Having read about the existentialists recently though, it seems this concept ties in with their thinking in the early years of Sartre and Beauvoir. They believed firmly that we get choose what we want it to mean. We get to choose the maxim by which we live – and this gave them unprecedented amounts of freedom – particularly from “society”, or what I’ve been calling social “spells”.

  It’s more work, because you have to question everything, and you need to examine your real motivations for pursuing any course of action… but I like it. It avoids laziness, and helps to countermand habit and thinking imposed from others.

  Granted this kind of pursuit is only really possible when one’s thoughts aren’t preoccupied with thoughts of survival, or pursuing what other people deem important (read: money, status, fame etc), but I feel like it is a worthwhile pursuit, nonetheless.

  Even if it does drive my friends nuts. <>

  Okay, I’m nearly up to the word limit for this, so I’ll sign off.

  Thank you again for reading, and I’ll see you on the next episode!

  E x

  &

  Michael

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