Broken Glass

by Pavan Kaur

  I lean on the counter closest to the laundry room but don’t take my eyes off the door.

  "I should’ve listened to you and just let her be," I tell Jackson as he walks around the kitchen behind me.

  The last ten minutes I've been looking at the door thinking I should have let her carry on with the life she had. Maybe it would have been better for her. She was a ghost in her own life, and I knew she needed help, but at this very second, I feel like I'm hurting her more.

  "Even you don’t believe the crap you’re saying. She was living in hell; you took her away from that." Jackson hands me a beer. "Leo, I’m the way I am because you protected me, looked after me. You’re like this because of our parents. You were taken for six years.” He stops and glances at the door. “Hope was taken when she was, what, eight? She’s what, twenty-two now? She’s been alone for one year. So for thirteen years, you think about how they broke her, abused her, treated her. You’ve got to be patient. The way I see it, she’s a lot fucking braver than me." He walks away as I hear the front door.

  He’s right, she’s lived in the darkness alone; she’s lived with the devil alone. Not anymore, I’m going to live with her. I’m still going to fight through the darkness to show her the light.

  ***

  My mom spoke to Hope about everything; she said that I need to take her to see the doctor and that her joints are hurting more due to the time of year. She said that a bleeding nose might sometimes happen too with her condition.

  "She just about let you touch her, how am I supposed to get her to see a doctor?” I bite back at my mom.

  My mom rubbed my arm reassuringly. "I know honey, but I really do think the weather change is affecting her and she might need stronger medication.” Mom looks over at Hope cleaning the kitchen. That was a fight that my dad had to pull me away from.

  I told Hope that she needed to go to bed, but she ignored me and started cleaning which got , and I was losing my temper with her. I just wanted her to rest and understand I only want to help her.

  I give in. "I'll take her to the one she went to before." I look over at her as she walks to the doors that lead to the yard. She stops there and just peers up at the sky. I cross the room to her, and I see tears escaping her eyes. I reach up to wipe them away but stop as she opens the door and takes a step outside.

  "Leo," my dad says as he walks toward me and I turn to face him. "Son, I see the look in your eyes when you look at her; a sparkle which we thought would never appear. Never." He pats my shoulder. "Be patient."

  "I will." I turn my attention back to Hope as I hear my parents saying bye to Jackson.

  I’ve waited this long, a little longer isn’t going to kill me.

  ***

  "There has to be something that we’re missing, I mean—” I start pacing the room.

  "Maybe we need to go back to the start?" Jackson says.

  He came over early this morning, we've both taken the day off; Dad said it was best I take the time to stay with Hope. I was happy to as the doctor is our first stop.

  "How you feeling?" I ask Hope as she puts the coffee on the table. I've been trying to give her space and not be around her so much, which is working out to be a lot harder than I thought.

  “Better," she replies, sitting on the chair in front of me and looking at all the papers through her eyelashes.

  "Beautiful, did you escape from those people in New York?"

  I look over at Jackson, is he crazy asking her that?

  "No, Florida."

  I turn to Hope in shock that she answered him. "Wait, how did you get here?" I ask her. We might be pushing it with the questions right now, but I know she didn't fly.

  "Does it matter?"

  "Yes," I answer her.

  She shrugs. “Walked, hitchhiked, found a way." She lowers her head letting me know there is a lot more to that answer, but she isn’t going to tell us.

  I see Jackson taking a map from the bookshelf and looking at it with a frown.

  I'm going to kill the people who had Hope, if I have to go to Florida to do it, then I will. "Hope, I'm taking you to your doctor today just before lunch." I grab a slice of toast from the plate on the table and Jackson walks away to answer his phone.

  I move around the table to sit next to her. "Hope, I miss looking at your beautiful eyes." I lift her face to look at me, but her eyes are red from crying so much. "I’m going to kiss you now." I lean forward and place a small kiss on her lips.

  "Today is the anniversary of my family being taken from me."

  I fix my gaze on her, and I'm lost for words. I don't know what to say to her to make her feel less pain.

  "Is there something you would like to do today?" I ask. I’m not sure what I should do.

  She shakes her head and her body shivers. Then it hits me, and it hits me hard. Her parents were taken, and so was Hope. She never got to visit her family's grave; she never got to say goodbye.

  "Can I go to my room?"

  "You don’t have to ask," I tell her softly. She looks at the floor as Jackson walks back over to the table.

  "Please, I’ve been good."

  How did I just go back five steps with her? Leaning back in my chair, I rub my forehead. "Yes," I answer and watch her walking away from the table.

  “Did I miss something?" Jackson asks as I turn in my chair.

  "The anniversary of the fire is today," I say staring at the table, feeling like I've lost the battle. "It's like she's programmed to restart. When she remembers her family, a switch turns on, and she has to forget them again." I light a cigarette and finally look up at Jackson.

  For a moment he doesn’t say anything to me, he just looks at me.

  "Thirteen, fourteen years is a long time for them to teach their ways, it’s going to take longer than two weeks to wash that shit out of her head," Jackson tells me and gets back to his laptop.

  Now I sit here wondering should I go talk to her, or leave it.

  "Leave her alone for a while," Jackson answers my silent question

  Chapter 19

  Hope

  Sitting by the window in my room, I look at the newspaper article about my parents. It’s been so many years that I’ve never had the chance to sit and think about them. This was one of those dates where they would make sure that I was too mentally tired to think back to how my life had changed.

  I hear Leo walking into the room, and I put my box to the side. Folding up the newspaper article, I place it underneath the box.

  "What’s on your mind?" Leo sits on the floor next to me. "We’ll leave to go to see the doctor soon."

  I went to the store yesterday, and I wish I never left the house. I know Leo knows that I've changed and he's wondering why. I keep thinking should I tell him?

  "Hope, I only want to help you," Leo’s hand reaches to mine, his touch is soft, stroking back and forth on top of my hand.

  "I don’t want to go to stores again," I tell him as I watch his hand moving gently over mine.

  “Did something happen?”

  "Just wasn't watching where I was going, bumped into someone and they just said a few words to me, which were cruel, and it scared me." It did scare me a bit and made me remember that I can't live a normal life; I can only live the life I know.

  "I'm sorry that happened to you. If you want to order things online, you can. But to be honest, I want you to leave the house, and I want you to go out and walk with your head held high. I know that's going to take time and I promise that I'm here with you."

  I turned my head to look at Leo for a moment. I'm not sure what I did for him to help me, but I'm happy he's here.

  I just wish that I could get the voices out of my head and the rules too. I try, but the memories of the nights in the dark room alone and having to take cold showers and the punishments always come rushing back.

  "Jackson still here?"

  "Yeah, he’s here all day. About to pop out when we do," Leo says as his hand moves to the floor and slides the article
from underneath the box. He opens it up. "Is this the only picture you have of your family?"

  He's the first man that I've thought about trusting enough to let into my dark life, so I grab the box, my fingers move over the old broken card, and I slide it over to him on the floor.

  Leo's fingers trace the lid, and he taps his finger. He takes the lid off and I watch him pull out the necklace. He moves closer to me, as he dangles the necklace in front of me. "Did your dad give you this?"

  Stopping the necklace from dangling, I open the pendant to show the pictures of me and my parents on one side and me and my brother on the other.

  Leo takes a closer look at it, then moves closer to me to put it around my neck, but I move away from him. "I'm not allowed to wear it." They took the necklace the day Uncle Jack got me. He threw it to the floor and said that I was never allowed to think of them again, but when he wasn't looking, I quickly picked it up and hid it from them. This pendant is the only thing that matters to me.

  "Who said?"

  Turning to face him, I don’t even have to answer that question. My eyes tell him everything he needs to know.

  He moves my hair out of the way. "You wear this, and you wear it every day. And you wear it with a smile." Leo moves closer as his arms move behind my neck as he fastens it on me. His hands move to the front and place the pendant nicely in the center. "Don't hide; don't hide from your family." His forehead rests on mine.

  "Thank you," I whisper to him. He’s letting me be free. I just have to learn to be free with him now.

  Leo looks at me, and he lifts my face, so our eyes connect. "Never say thank you for being here." He stands up and puts his hand out for me. "Shall we go?"

  Placing my hand in his, I stand, and we both make our way downstairs.

  Jackson is shaking his head. "I'll be back in a few hours, a client is having money problems." He starts laughing as I walk away from them.

  I hear Jackson say something about how the man is going to lose a lot of money. Filling my glass with water, I watch them both from the corner of my eye. I can feel Leo looking at me. I can always feel his eyes on me, as my body starts to heat up.

  "Ready?"

  Cleaning my glass quickly, I grab my jacket and make my way out with Leo.

  ***

  "I'm going to give you some stronger medication which will help with the pain. The nose bleeds which you've explained, I believe that you know how to handle them but if you have any concerns then call me." The doctor hands Leo a piece of paper which has all my medication on it, and I don't say anything as he is paying for the stronger medication. "Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

  I turn my head a little to glance at Leo, but I quickly turn back. Taking a pen from the desk, I write can we talk alone and push it to the doctor so she can tell Leo for me. I know he won’t mind and will be happy that I want to talk to the doctor.

  "All you had to do is ask," Leo says and I hear the humor in his tone.

  "Hope, is Leo hurting you?"

  I shake my head. “No.” There is not one part of me that feels in danger with Leo. After so many years of feeling scared or feeling alone, I actually feel safe.

  “How can I help you then?"

  "In... the thing is... I’m not sure what it is. All I know is they needed to change it every three years." I point to my arm. They never told me what the implant was or why it was there, the doctor would come and change it for them.

  She walks around her desk to me and asks if she can have a look at my arm. I nod, and she presses my upper left arm. She explains what it is; an implant to prevent me from getting pregnant. Suppose that makes sense seeing as they never used protection with me.

  We talk for about an hour about the advantages of the implant and if I still want to keep it. I tell her that even though I’m not having sex, they might find me, so she gives me a new one. I ask her to tell Leo, as I can’t hide it from him; I mean there is a huge Band-Aid on my arm. She also wanted to do some tests, as they had unprotected sex with me and she wants to make sure I’m okay.

  I told the doctor it was fine for Leo to know about the tests, as he’s the one paying for them.

  "When do we get the results?" Leo asks.

  I peel the skin from my hands as they both start talking about my medication. I know it's my own fault. I've not really been putting lotion on, and it's starting to really hurt me now.

  Leo's hand moves to mine to stop me from peeling the skin. "You need to stop, or it won't heal," he tells me, and my hand stops.

  "Hope, if you can just look after yourself, use the medication and the lotion for a few weeks, the skin will be a lot better, and the pain will be a lot less," the doctor tells me. She turns to Leo for a moment then back to me, "the results will be about a week, and as soon as they come in, I will give you a call."

  I place my hands on my legs. It does sound nice not being in so much pain, seeing my hands with smooth skin.

  The doctor continues, "You can put the lotion on a few times a day, so carry it with you and drink plenty of water."

  "We'll do all that," Leo says as he stands up. "I'll call you tomorrow, and we'll be back in a month." I stand with Leo, and we leave the doctor's office.

  "John, we need a pit stop to the store," Leo tells his driver, and I hear John tell him yes as I climb into the car and sit down.

  I look out of the window as we drive, leaning my head against the coldness of the glass. I feel a little under the weather and have a heavy head. I’m really tired.

  Leo takes my hand in his. "Hope, are you okay?"

  "Yeah, just tired."

  He pulls me closer to him. "Get some sleep." He puts his arm around my shoulder, and I lean into him placing my head on his chest, I listen to the beat of his heart. The rhythm starts to settle, it's not going as fast anymore. My eyes are getting heavy, his scent is settling over me, and I smile to myself.

  "Hope, I’m just going to climb out, you get some sleep." He softly places my head on the car seat and I hear the car door opening and closing.

  ***

  Soft hands touch my body making me open my eyes fast.

  "Hey, it’s just me," Leo tries to calm me as I start panicking.

  I quickly get off the bed, and my back hits the wall.

  "You were sleeping and—”

  "I'm sorry," I interrupt him. "I shouldn't have done that." The memory of a mattress underneath my body comes rushing back to me, and I panicked. I know I should have stayed still. Even with the time that I've had away from them, I’m still used to not being placed on a bed and touched in that way. At the moment my head is fighting with me. Fighting with the memories of the rules and fighting with leaving the rules behind me so I can live a life with Leo.

  He steps away leaving a small space between us. Even though there is so much darkness surrounding him, a black cloud around him, his face is the only peaceful thing I know.

  Leo wipes off the tears from my cheek. "Don’t be scared of me."

  "I’m not; you’re the only one I don’t feel scared around." I place my hand on his chest just to feel his heartbeat on my palm. "You make me feel safe.”

  "You will live again."

  I take a step closer to Leo. How is it that one man can make me forget so much darkness that's happened to me? How is it that I can just be so much more free with him now? I've known him for two weeks, and in two weeks he's made me feel safe.

  "Will you hold me?"

  Leo wraps his arms around me, and it feels like a weight is being lifted from me. He holds me there for a moment and as I close my eyes, I picture my parents watching me. I always imagined they would be up there looking out for me and maybe Leo is the person they have sent.

  Taking a step back I say, "I’m going to have a shower."

  Leo smiles. "I hope it’s with warm water." I smile back and roll my eyes. “Yes." I turn to walk towards the bathroom, as I get to the door I turn to face Leo.

  "Hope, when you come downstairs don’t h
ide."

  I continued to walk into the bathroom closing the door behind me. Standing in front of the mirror, I look at myself for the first time in a very long time.

  I think about Leo's words about not hiding, but I know Jackson's downstairs. Leo is trying to help me, and I will try. I’ll push every negative thought away and really try to push their voices away too, and I'll let Leo help me.

  ***

  Walking downstairs, I hear Leo and Jackson talking about Florida. I knew I had to tell them one day where I came from. I wasn’t going to tell them how I got here. That is a time that I really don’t want to replay.

  Standing by the table next to Leo I ask, "Would you guys like some lunch?" It might not be very loud, but it's louder than how I normally ask. I'm trying, and I realize that Jackson's here all the time.

  Jackson looks at me and I see him smile. My head isn’t held high, but it’s not low either. "Sandwich please."

  Walking into the kitchen, I turn back to see Leo following me and I'm not sure what it is about him, but I smile; something I haven't done in a very long time.

  "So, I thought you were beautiful before, but when you smile," Leo stops and moves my hair behind my ear, "you take my breath away." His thumb gently strokes my bottom lip before leaning in to kiss me. "I hope you smile more every day," he whispers against my lips.

  "One day at a time." That's what it's going to be for me. Every day is going to be hard, but with Leo, I think, no I know, I’ll smile once again.

  "And I'm here with you. Every day until you feel safe again and can make it on your own," Leo tells me, and I'm taken by surprise with his words.

  I look into his eyes. I thought I would stay with him, but it looks like he has other plans.

  "I thought I would stay here," I tell him. I don’t want to be alone again. I don’t want to be scared again.