by Pavan Kaur
"Sorry," she whispers into my chest. I choose not to say anything to her, she's told me something about her past, and I'm happy about that.
I see Jackson standing by the table and give him a nod so that he can rejoin us. “I thought we could sit at the table,” I say, grabbing my plate as Hope brings over some coffee.
“If you don’t like the color, I can change it,” Jackson says as he puts the gift in front of her.
Her hands move onto the table, and very slowly she brings the gift towards her. I see Jackson watching her as she opens the paper and I eat my food. Can't believe how hungry I am at the moment and the fact that Hope makes amazing food is even better.
As I see the gift, I’m pissed that he got that for her, but at the same time happy too. “What is it?” Hope looks over at me.
“It’s an e-reader, so you can download books and read them on there,” Jackson answers for me. “If you put it on charge I can show you how it works, we can link it to Leo’s account.” He looks over and smiles.
I wait for Hope to walk away from the table. “Why did you buy her that?”
"You said that she likes to read, I thought it would be a perfect gift." He looks hurt. And he's right, she does like to read, and I love that she does.
“The reason I never got her one is because that was going to be my reason for her to leave the house, to go to the bookstore and buy books,” I tell him. I mean Jackson didn’t know about that, so I can’t be too pissed at him about it.
He sighs deeply. “I can take it back—”
“No, once she knows how it works, she will love that thing. I’ll get a bookshelf made and tell her that she will have to fill it or something.” I turn to see Hope as she joins us again.
“Thank you,” she says, well whispers but we both heard it.
***
“How are we going to ask Hope about him?" Jackson looks over his shoulder at Hope walking around as she mops the kitchen floor. You'd think I would be used to her doing all this stuff now, but I still hate it; I hate her cleaning when I can pay someone to do it.
“We?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“You, but I’ll be right here.”
“I don’t know. I suppose we could just ask. We have no idea how they are linked or anything,” I tell him, as I take a drag from my cigarette.
"Before I forget, I'll be at your office next week for the meeting about We Are Loved, and I had an idea about it too."
“What’s your idea?” I’ve got the group coming in next week so they can meet Jackson. I won’t sign off on it unless he likes them too.
“Think about it, there are girls out there like Hope, who are too scared to talk to anyone; yes you said one of them is studying to be a psychologist, but what about a medical doctor?” Jackson looks at me as the light bulb flashes in my head, how did I not think of that before?
“Hope’s doctor and that building.” I smile.
“You walked into the building and said it needed work, so how about you buy the building and redo the whole thing? You have the team of four and me so ask the doctor if she will join the team. Ask her to come to the meeting next week.” He stops talking as Hope walks closer to us.
I’m not trying to hide this from her; I mean I can’t wait to tell her about this as I think she would be happy we’re helping people that have been through what we all went through. But, I want to wait until I know that we are definitely going ahead with the project.
Hope stands next to me. “Would you like anything?” I place my hand on the small of her back and smile as she doesn’t flinch, not even a little. She’s so comfortable with me now that I want to jump up and down for joy.
"No, but can you sit down, please." Now it's time to sit with her and find the answers to my questions, and with Jackson here I do find it easier. Hope sits on the seat next to me, and I place my hand on her thigh. "So last night, I went there for one reason, and you know that reason. But while I was there, I asked him about the man I'm looking for." My eyes settle on Hope, as she listens to the conversation intently. She knows about him, and she knows why I started all this. "As he uses the site, I thought he would know where I can find him, and he said something to me that I need to ask you about." She puts her head down a little making it hard to read her.
Jackson slides the picture over to me. “Joseph said that in order to find him, all I need to do is find one person. And that one person is you." Hope tenses up, and I start rubbing her leg letting her know that I'm right here and nothing will happen. But she starts to shake which gets me worried and I'm hoping that this doesn't push her back five steps. "Can you have a look at this picture? This is the man I'm looking for." I slide the picture faced down toward her.
Hope's hands tremble as she brings her hands to the picture, slowly turning it over and she only takes a second to look at it before she turns it back around. Something's wrong. What the fuck is happening? Her breathing rate increases. I can hear the choking sound as she breathes. Her hands are shaking so much now that even Jackson can see.
I try to take her hand in mine, but she pulls it out. I look over at Jackson as he quickly moves the picture away from her.
"Hope, look at me," my voice comes out low, calm. I turn her chair to face me so that we block Jackson out, but I look at him to let him know to stay where he is. "Hey beautiful, look at me.” I keep my voice low, putting my finger under her chin and as I touch her, I can feel her body shaking. That picture has really done something to her.
Hope finally looks at me, and her eyes are filled with tears. Something that hits me a lot harder than I thought it would. This is one thing I never want to see again; I never want to see tears in her eyes. Last night when she was crying, I could tell that was because she became comfortable with me, but the salt water in her eyes right now is fear. She is scared, and I want to know why.
“Talk to me, what’s happened?” I ask her as I wipe the tears away.
"I… I know the man," she whispers as she brings her head down, but I lift it back up, so she looks at me.
“How?”
Shaking her head, this is getting hard for her to talk about. Wiping the tears away, she takes in a deep breath. “The man is Uncle Jack.”
My hands loosen around hers, as I take the information in. There's a silence around me. I'm not sure that I've heard correctly what she's just said. I can't believe that the man I'm looking for is the same man that Hope has been running from. I see her lips moving, but I don't hear a word she's saying to me. How fucked up is this man, that he groomed Hope but still had the time to come fuck up other children's lives? How?
I see Hope leave the table, letting me stare off into space at nothing. The only way that I'm going to be able to find him is if I put Hope's face out there, but that means putting her life in danger. I can't do that.
I see Jackson sit in front of me where Hope was. “Focus, come back to the room.”
I give him a nod, as he waves his hand in front of me. “Did you hear the same thing?” I ask. I think my voice is still locked away from me, but I know Jackson heard me.
"I didn't want to believe it, but her hands haven't stopped shaking since she told us. When she saw your reaction, she asked me if she could go to her room, so I said yes." Jackson hands me a cigarette.
I put it between my lips, flick the lighter on and take the longest drag that I can take. I let the smoke settle in my lungs before blowing it out.
Rubbing my forehead, I say, "She must hate me right now. I shut down on her," I tell him as I get up and make my way outside. I designed this yard to be a place that I can sit and relax for a while, a place that no matter how fucked up my day is, being outside would give me the answers.
“She doesn’t hate you. I think it’s more the shock of seeing his picture,” Jackson says as he sits on the chair next to me. Not once have I thought about how it affected her. I went into a dark place for a split second and pulled myself out fast but still didn’t think about how it would affect her.
>
“Should I go up?”
“Leave it for a moment; I think she needs some time to herself.” When it comes to Hope and Jackson, I know that he cares about her, maybe a little more now that he knows I want something more with her, so I do trust him.
"What are we going to do?" That's the question I want answering, the question that I need a plan for. I still want to kill him for everything he did to me, to Jackson and now what he did to Hope.
Chapter 25
Hope
Sitting in the corner by the window I stare outside. I didn't even have to turn the picture all the way around to know who it was. I knew he had a lot of power; I knew he had men around doing his dirty work but having a secret house where he kept others? Why am I even surprised with that? He has a lot wrong with him, and I know it will only be a matter of time before he finds me.
The moment I walked into the room I had that feeling; the bad feeling running through my body that something was about to go wrong and I'd be living the life of hell again very soon. Even though I have Leo looking after me, the fear is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away. I don't want to go back there; I want to have a life with Leo.
"Can I come in?" I hear Leo behind me. He's never asked me before which only means that he doesn't really know what to do right now either. Nodding my head, I look to the side as he sits down next to me. "I've made this promise before, and I'll make it again. I won't let anything happen to you." He takes my hand, his thumb rubs softly on my palm.
I know that he'll do anything to protect me, but I also know that Uncle Jack has a lot of men that will do anything for him.
“I’m sorry that I shut down on you, it was—”
“I know, I want to say surprised, but I think it was more fear,” I tell him. I’ve got to that place with Leo now that I know I can be open with him. I don’t have to hide away from him. “Now what?”
“Jackson and I are talking about it.” He peers outside. “Would you like a midnight walk tonight?”
I watch him for a moment, wondering how he can think about going for a walk when he has just learned something so awful. It's not something small either, it's huge. I thought now that they know who he is they would want to finish this. Leo and Jackson have been searching for him for five years now. Why would they not want to just find and kill him?
“How about you find him and end this for both of us?” Reaching over to him, I place my hand on top of his. “I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder anymore.”
“Jackson is downstairs looking at any connections between Jack and Joseph. There has to be a link in there somewhere.” Leo stands up, putting his hand out for me. “I thought we could order some lunch. Jackson wants to show you how to use the e-reader.”
Placing my hand in his, I let him pull me up. When I'm on my feet, his hand moves to my lower back, and he gives me a kiss.
"There's only one thing that I ask, don't hide away again," Leo whispers against my lips. I'm trying very hard to stop myself from running away from here. Finding out that Joseph was here made me believe that Uncle Jack wasn't far behind.
Walking back downstairs, I look over at Jackson on the phone as I walk over to the kitchen to get myself some water. Leo joins him. I can’t make out what they are saying, but Jackson is still on the phone as Leo talks to him.
I go to the fireplace. Today is the first day that I'm starting to feel the chill in the air, and I've never sat in front of a fire before so it would be nice to see how they work. Looking for the switch, I place my hand on the cold marble as I feel for it. I smile to myself, this is the first time that deep down I feel like I can really be here, see myself living here with Leo.
"Wants some help?" Leo kneels next to me and flicks on a button under the mantel, and I smile as the flames go up. "You getting cold now?"
"Yeah, my wrists are getting a little painful, but that's just the weather," I tell him. The doctor did say that the weather would affect them, so I'm not worried about it so much.
Leo moves closer to me. "Would you try sleeping on the bed tonight?" His voice is quite soft, but my body still tenses up, and he must notice as he says, "Okay, not the bed, but how about we spend all night under the covers." I look at him wondering why he thinks I don't sleep under the covers. "I know that you wait until I'm asleep then you remove the sheets, so tonight even if it means I don't sleep, all night under the covers. Please?" Leo's hand softly brushes my leg, and I look back at the flames.
I don’t say anything to him, as I admire the beauty of it, the colors flickering.
"Hope, the e-reader is charged. Would you like me to show you how it works?" I look behind me as Jackson walks over to the sitting room. I glance over at Leo as he brings his drink to his lips. I know he won't stop me. He wants me to be more comfortable with Jackson, and I'm starting to be.
“Jackson, sit here, Hope’s feeling cold.” Leo leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek as he moves over to the couch.
"I have already hooked this up to Leo's account, so beautiful you're all ready to read all the books you wish to read." Jackson sits on the floor, as he smokes the last of his cigarette. Bringing the tablet to me, he talks me through how to look for a book and how to buy it, read it and then find all the other books that I have bought. I smile the whole time. I can't wait to start reading e-books. "You should smile more beautiful, it's a nice view."
I frown at Jackson, as I didn’t realize I was smiling so much while he was telling me everything.
Jackson moves to stand up. “Right, I’m off. I’ll be over for breakfast.” He quickly leans down and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Happy birthday, Hope.”
As he stands, I grab his hand to stop him walking away, and I smile up at him. "Thank you for my gift, Jackson."
He grins and gives me a wink. “Any time.”
I turn back around as I start looking at the reader to see that Jackson has already bought me some books to read.
"How about you sit over here and read?" Leo gets off the couch and walks over to me. "We can put the heat up if you would like?" He presses a button, and I see the flames get a little bigger.
Getting up, I make my way to the couch and sit down next to Leo. He pulls me in closer to him and without another word he puts on the T.V. There's a football game on so I start looking through the books that I have to read.
I do enjoy that we can sit in silence and find it easy to be with each other.
***
A while later I start to watch the game as Leo gets up to get himself another drink. I don’t know the rules of football, but I get the feeling that Leo likes it a lot as he is always watching it.
He stands by the couch. “Want to order some dinner?” I move to the side so that he can sit down.
"I can make something," I begin to get up, but Leo grabs my hips for me to sit again.
“Now, I don’t know about you but I like the way we were sitting and plan on spending the rest of the evening doing it so what shall we order?” Leo says then starts to kiss my neck. It makes me laugh as his stubble tickles me.
“Okay, we can order,” I say through giggles now that Leo has worked out what makes me laugh.
“Good, pizza, Chinese, Thai—”
“I don’t mind,” I cut him off before he starts listing more, as I really don’t mind.
“Don’t move, I’ll just go order it.”
I watch as he walks away from me and I can’t help but smile to myself. This is what I want my days to be like cuddled up to Leo on the couch as he watches the game and I read a book.
As Leo sits back down, he grabs the reader from me. “So, what are we reading?”
"A book about a girl that drops her life in England and moves to New York. I didn't think I would like it, but it's not too bad."
"Sounds nice," Leo says as he hands the reader back to me. I continue to read the book, and I start thinking about all the sex scenes it has.
I never really thought that sex could be like it w
as with Leo. I never thought sex could make me happy. During that first time with Leo, I felt things that I’ve never felt before. The biggest thing I felt was beautiful.
The more I read this book, the more I see that I've missed out on so much when it comes to feeling good about myself. Now I know that I won't wake up tomorrow and have the most confidence in the world, or feel like the most beautiful girl on earth but one thing I know is, with Leo, I'll always feel like that, and one day I'll start believing it too.
There's one part in this book where the girl was giving her boyfriend a blow job. I was always forced to give them, and I had to hold back my tears every time. Those were the worst days for me, but reading this book, I'm starting to think that it can be good if you want to do it.
“Leo, can I ask you something?” I put the reader on the couch as my throat dries up.
“Sure.” His finger makes circles on my arm.
“Um, you know, never mind.” I have no idea how to start the conversation.
“Hey.” Leo gets me to sit up straight. “Talk to me.”
“You’re going to think this is stupid and—”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
Taking a deep breath, I look up at Leo as he waits for me to say something. I'm playing the sentence in my head and then shaking my head as I think of a new way to start the conversation.
I turn to face him as I place my hand on his pants. “I was… Can I do something?” As I look away from him for a moment, Leo adjusts in his seat then holds my hand.
“Hope, don’t—”
"I know, my decision." I look up at him, and our eyes meet for a moment. The only thing going through my head is that he's going to stop me.