by Logan Jacobs
One space baddie ran at her, but she jumped up, kicked off one of the walls with a puff of concrete dust, and got it in a headlock as she landed behind it. She and I locked eyes, and as she held the struggling beast in the headlock, I vaulted a small barrier while I twirled my axe-staff above my head. As my feet touched the ground I brought the axe around in a baseball swing that ended with the blades embedded in the baddies belly. Puke brown blood squirted onto the gym floor and a stench that could curdle milk hung in the air for a moment.
“Is there not a setting to tone down the smell, Artie?” I gasped as my nose wrinkled.
“Marc, get ready to swing again!” Nova yelled as she chucked the dead baddie into another alien that was running at me.
The baddie bodies collided, causing the live one to stumble backward. I swung my axe low and took out his legs as Aurora swooped in from above on a disc of dark matter and with a swipe of her katana took the live baddie’s head clean off. Only instead of bouncing away, it shot off like a bottle rocket and sprayed nasty-ass vomit-blood all over the place.
“Yes! Perfect team effort!” Grizz called from the sidelines. “Three more to go.”
I didn’t have time to acknowledge Grizz’s praises because another baddie dashed at me from the left. The alien ran between a wall and a tall cement block, so I decided to try out my sick new parkour skills. It was a weird sensation at first. My muscles weren’t used to the movements yet, so I hesitated for a split second, but then I leapt up and kicked off the wall to avoid the baddie’s club strike, and propelled myself toward the cement block. It looked like I was going to fly headfirst into a nice concussion but at the last second, my reflexes fired, and I did a somewhat clumsy front handspring off the top of the block and dropped down onto the alien’s shoulders.
“Aurora, Nova, incoming!” I yelled as I gave the baddie a kick with my heels, and he wildly began to run around in an attempt to throw me off his shoulders. Fortunately, Nova was ready with her sword, and she impaled the monster right through the stomach. I felt the monster start to go into his death shivers, and there were now holes that gushed blood from his gut, so I backflipped off before he crumpled to the ground.
“Who needs sharks when you can ride nameless bad guy aliens?” I asked as the warrior babe withdrew her weapon from the dead body and moved to a defensive position about fifteen feet in front of me. There were two more baddies out there but they had scattered, and I didn’t think any of us had a visual on them.
“More team attacks!” Grizz shouted. “Marc is good with both Nova and Aurora, but I want to see more of the three of you together.”
“Your lips to god’s ears, Grizz,” I mumbled as the two final baddies leapt in from one of the rooftops.
Nova was a good fifteen feet ahead of us and about three feet away from where the ugly assholes had vaulted in. Without missing a beat she turned and did a not-half-bad wall run up the nearest cement pillar to land herself on top of a six foot tall wall and then perched on top of it with her knees up to her chest like some sort of babe from a Heavy Metal magazine cover. The pose gave me an idea, and I signaled Aurora to chase after me.
“Follow my leader!” I shouted in my best Malcolm McDowell toward Aurora.
I did a bounding leap, used my momentum to spring off a small retaining wall, bounced between the sides of two buildings and caught the edge of the top of a ledge on the opposite side of the narrow alley from Nova. The last two alien baddies were now in-between us, and they seemed confused about which of us they should focus on.
“I’ll take them from behind!” I shouted. “Nova you flank from there. Aurora. Move to my position. You both take high, and I’ll go low.”
“Understood,” Nova replied.
“Got it,” Aurora said as she crouched down until her ass almost touched the ground and squat jumped nearly five feet in the air to catch the same ledge I did. She then used her momentum to do a hollow body kip swing that propelled her up past the ledge and onto the ledge right behind me. Which was doubly as impressive because she did it all in a full-length gown.
“Show off,” I threw back as I stood and ran down the three foot wide wall toward the baddies. If I slipped I was going to eat ground hard, but I’d learned early that with this shit I was far better off if I just barrelled along without thinking very much about the consequences.
I sprinted until I was just about on top of the baddies. Aurora had taken it a bit slower because of her dress but I had counted on that. The baddies could see the three of us, but the different positions made their ugly faces droop with confusion. I was about to shout out for the attack, but then the jackass alien constructs surprised me by spinning around so that their backs were to each other, and they could keep an eye on all of us at once.
“Shhiiit,” I hissed under my breath, but then I realized that it didn’t matter if the dungeon master algorithm had suddenly rolled them a few more intelligence points, my strategy would still work totally fine.
So I called in the airstrike.
“Maverick and Iceman, engage!” I shouted, and both Nova and Aurora leapt off their perches and dove toward their prey like hunting falcons.
I sprang from my wall mid sprint and aimed the blades of my double-ended axe at the legs of the two ogres. As I flew through the air, the world slowed down all Max Payne bullet-time style, and I was casually able to observe both of the alien baddies raise their weapons to block my teammate’s aerial attacks. Both Aurora and Nova hung in the air for a second before gravity took over, and they bore their full-bladed fury down on their targets. Bullet-time sped back up just as the edge of my SVA cut through the baddies’ legs like they were made from tissue paper.
The dill-holes let out pain-filled wails as they crumpled to the ground. I hit the ground in a roll and came up in a crouch as I disconnected the SVNs and turned them back into two separate axes. One for each hand. I spun on my heels just in time to see my babeolicious teammates finish each of the baddies off.
Nova, Aurora, and I rose to our full heights in unison, our weapons glistened with the blood of our enemies as the surrounding constructs pixelated out of existence.
“Passably executed you three,” Grizz said as the last of the digital baddies faded from view. “Having both Aurora and Nova ride on the top while Marc controlled their bottom was an excellent strategy. I’d call it a perfect three-way.”
“So. Many. Jokes,” I whispered as I tried to keep from busting a gut at his innocent innuendos. “Have you ever been in a three-way before?”
“As a matter of fact I have,” he said with a prideful nod. “I often had three-ways with my teammates, Sudar and Banntak.”
“Ohhh?” I asked as I tried to contain my excitement. “Were these women?”
“No,” Grizz huffed as he shook his head. “I’ve only had perfect three-ways with men.”
“Oh. My. God.” I whispered, but then I cleared my throat. “But… uhhhh… you never tried with a woman--”
“I had three females in my alliance,” Grizz explained. “I always wanted to have a perfect three or four way with them, but we could never coordinate our movements correctly. They only wanted to practice the movements with each other, so the men decided to practice our own perfect three-way movements. At one point we thought they would see our performance, and wish to join in, but they never did.”
“I’m going to die from laughing. It’s like it writes itself,” I gasped as I turned to Aurora. I was pretty sure tears streamed down my cheeks but my cheeks were numb from the goofy ass grin that was plastered on my face.
“Oh, you poor, dear,” she said, and I could tell that she struggled to keep a straight face.
“Perhaps there is an issue with the different sexes coordinating the movements,” Nova said to Grizz, “a breakdown in communication styles that spread and thrust itself into your combat awareness.”
Aurora and I nearly had a conniption as we realized that everything Grizz had just said went over her gorgeous, auburn, knigh
t errant head.
“Yes, that was the issue,” Grizz responded. “Women are complicated creatures. I think Havak is able to work so well with you two because his brain is like one of those butterflies that can’t decide which flower it wants to pollinate.”
“Hey now,” I said. “My head is like a bee if it is like anything. An African killer bee. A dashing, African killer bee.”
“It was a compliment,” Grizz laughed as he tapped his chest. “Women are interesting and complicated creatures, and you are able to work with them. Good for you.”
“Yes, you three are so much fun to watch,” Artemis said cheerily over the speaker. “I just wish I could join in the fun.”
“Ahh yes,” Grizz said. “Then Marc could have the perfect four-way. I would like to see that.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer and fell to the ground heaving with guffaws.
“Please, stop, you’re going to kill me,” I gasped between belly laughs.
Grizz and Nova just looked at me like I was an idiot. Which I was pretty used to.
“Grizz, next time can we have a training module where I can suck souls instead of stab things?” Aurora asked, thankfully drawing attention away from my giggling mass on the floor, as she put her katanas back in the weapons rack where a slew of small robots began to clean the blades. “I’m basically a walking weapon, anyway.”
“As true as that may be,” Grizz began. “Mastering weapons can only help you in battle, Aurora. Especially as you fight more challenging opponents and enter higher tiers of battle.”
“Pffft,” she scoffed. “Weapons are fine and all, but they feel so clumsy compared to my own powers.”
“I love weapons,” Nova said with a stoic nod. “Especially when they are covered with my enemies’ entrails. Or warm from slicing them limb from limb.”
Despite having just battled alongside me in the arena, and the pink slime that she had crusted onto her skin, Nova didn’t look like she had broken a sweat. She stood tall and breathed evenly.
“I just prefer to take their soul.” Aurora shrugged. She didn’t look all that tired either, but she hadn’t just fought in an arena battle.
“You both compliment each other like peanut butter and jelly,” I said, and the two women smiled at me.
“I have to agree with Artemis,” Nova said with a sly smile. “You are very fun to watch, Marc. And even more fun to train with. Perhaps we will do more perfect three-ways in the future.”
“Okay, see now I don’t trust anything you say that could even remotely be related to innuendo,” I huffed and crossed my arms.
“Artemis, do you think I could get some sort of imitation exercise too?” Aurora asked as she bit her lip and glanced down my body. “That way I can practice my… Sucking.”
“She can’t be serious with these innuendos,” I said and looked at Nova.
“I don’t think she is serious about anything but innuendos, actually,” Nova replied.
“I suppose you all would like a shower,” Artemis said as she walked through the door of the training room.
“Hell-to-the-fucking-yeah,” I said with a heavy sigh. “I wanted a shower the first minute Nova and I got back from the match, but then I got tricked into this training exercise because Buxom McSparkle Skin over here entrapped me with her hot and sweaty talk.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t like it, sugar,” Aurora said.
“After you all get cleaned up, we should go out for the eating and celebrating at--” Artemis’ mouth hung open and she stopped walking in mid-stride.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, and then we all spun to see what she was looking at.
There was a bluebird perched on the edge of the weapons racks.
“Here we go,” Grizz growled under his breath.
“Guys,” I said hesitantly. “It’s a bluebird, other than wondering how the hell it got in here, what’s the big deal?”
Artemis shook her head and beckoned for me to come to her.
“No, it’s a message,” she told me as I approached. “Local gangs breed and train birds to carry information. They avoid using any online or digital method of communication because they don’t want hackers intercepting anything.”
“Old school. That can’t be good,” I swallowed and realized the bird was no longer in the window. “Great, now it’s gone!”
“No,” Artemis said as she pointed up to the ceiling. “He’s there.”
“These messenger birds have active camouflage abilities,” Grizz explained. “It enhances their stealth. They have also been bred to fly as fast as a laser and are nearly impossible to catch.”
The bird, now a muddy brown color, took flight once more, passed over my head, and dropped an envelope into my hands.
“What does it say?” Nova asked, and everyone moved to stand next to me.
I started to unfold the envelope, but the bird remained perched on Artemis’ desk, and I felt the cold, nimble fingers of unease creep up my spine.
“Okay, Hedwig, time to fly on home birdie. Go on, shoo!” I exclaimed as I waved my arms and took a few aggressive steps toward the creature.
The feathered animal flew out the open gym doorway and was gone as if it had never appeared.
It was all I could do to keep my hands from shaking as I opened the letter. As much as I loved me some dashing Corellian scoundrels, I didn’t want to get on the bad side of any super powerful galactic gangster, and I didn’t want Nova, Aurora, and Artemis to get hurt if some giant slug of a mob boss was coming at me. I realized that my worry was a bit stupid because there was already a clear and present danger: Nova, Aurora, and I competed in crazy deathmatches every other day, and Artemis would get destroyed if I died. All four of us lived with risk every day, but I just didn’t like the idea of there being danger outside of the games.
“It’s a fucking invitation,” I said after I read the letter. “Someone… wants to meet me. What do you guys think?”
“I don’t know.” Artemis’ eyes almost always conveyed her true emotions, and they looked nothing but concerned at the moment. “You need allies, and it is possible that this person wants to sponsor you.”
“Sponsor?” I asked.
“They can offer us assets during the match,” Aurora said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Powerups, weapons, armor. The Aetheron Oszusti don’t condone the gang’s interference in their games, but they aren’t aggressively trying to stop them from offering support, either. It’s very much a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ kind of situation.”
“Do we even know they want to sponsor us?” I asked. “What if I killed someone who was their disappointing but only son, and now they wanna put me in cement shoes and drop me in the river? Wait, is there even a river in this city? Or would they just put me in cement shoes and then toss me out an airlock or--”
“I would accept if I were you, Marc,” Grizz interrupted me as his holo-hand patted my back. “It is doubtful that they wish to kill you, since you are too high profile, and the Aetheron Oszusti would investigate your death. While I don’t condone working with gangs and organized crime usually, it may be wise to at least hear this person out and see what he wants. Sometimes they are a necessary evil to promote a greater good.”
“How morally ambiguous of you, Grizz,” I said quietly.
“And look!” Artemis exclaimed as she pointed at the slip of paper included in the envelope. “He has included two power ups for your next arena match, Marc.”
“For real?” I asked as I examined the slip of paper closer. It was actually a thin computer-chip looking device with copper colored wiring etched on the surface.
“Oh, I like the sound of that. What are the power-ups, sugar?” Aurora asked, and Artemis pulled the chip from my fingers
“One looks like a three hundred percent boost in strength, speed, and stamina for a duration of five minutes during your next arena match,” Artemis said after she held the thin copper filament up to her eye for a few seconds. From my vantag
e point I could see her bionically enhanced eyes flicker with blue light as she interfaced with the paper. “The other is some sort of technology booster. I think it lets you control a piece of technology beyond your normal skill level for five minutes.”
“That doesn’t sound particularly useful but the three hundred percent boost does,” Grizz boomed. “That’s one hell of a gift.”
“I say we meet him, whoever he is,” Artemis said decidedly. “He’s offered you a gift. That seems pretty non-threatening to me.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I guess it makes sense to Sun Tzu this. Keep friends close and enemies closer kinda deal.”
“Wise words,” Grizz agreed thoughtfully.
“Where does he, or she, want to meet?” Nova asked.
“Looks like a nightclub named Zaa,” I said after I glanced back down at the invite. It brought me a small amount of comfort to know that he wanted to meet in a public place, but I still envisioned an alien version of Joe Pesci from Goodfellas, all nice to my face then with the stabby-stab in the back of a late model 70s Cadillac.
“That is a popular dance club,” Artemis said, “this will be a perfect opportunity to satisfy the very strange, and strong urge I’ve had to shop for clothes lately. Particularly fancy ones. And shoes. Oh my god why do I want to buy shoes?”
“Artie,” I started with a grin, “Earth scientists have been trying to figure that out for decades. Just go with it. Speaking of clothes, I don’t think I have anything but jumpsuits in my closet.”
“Ohh, I can help you there, sugar,” Aurora said as if she had a secret. “I know the best tailor in the city who can outfit you in the most exquisite Earth finery.”
“Alright,” I said as I put my arm around Artemis and gave her narrow waist a brief squeeze. “Let’s see if I still know how to show a girl a good time.”
Chapter Three
“Artie! The car is here!” I yelled from the window of my modest, but very nice apartment, as I looked down and saw the Hover-Cab we’d ordered pull up to the curb near the front of my building.