by Logan Jacobs
“Two more minutes, Marc, I swear!” Artemis yelled back. “Why do I care so much about how I look all of a sudden? Fornicate me gingerly with a hedge clipper!”
“Artie, you are getting more and more human every day,” I replied with a chuckle as I checked out my own reflection in the window for the tenth time. “Lean into it.”
I looked pretty freaking good if I did say so myself. Aurora’s ‘guy’, eight-armed tentacle looking alien more like, had really come through. I wore a midnight blue Tom Ford replica tuxedo with matching satin finish vest and bowtie that fit like a fucking glove. The whole thing was capped off with a pair of brand new, yet pre-broken in Doc Marten Boanil Brush Wingtips that gave the entire outfit a little edge.
“Eat your heart out, Hemsworth,” I said to my dapper reflection who winked back at me. On Earth this would have cost thousands of dollars. I wasn’t a fashion whore by any stretch of the imagination, but hell, what fella didn’t like to cut a sharp image when out with a beautiful gal?
Speaking of, Artemis picked that moment to walk out of my bathroom. I saw motion behind my reflection in the window and as I turned all the breath left my body as if I’d been kicked in the solar plexus.
Artemis stood before me like a vision sent from the hot chick gods to answer a prayer I wasn’t even aware I’d made.
The dress she wore was strappy and sheer and, quite honestly, barely a dress at all. It was one of those garments that contoured the body in gravity defying ways that supermodels would wear on the runway and then out clubbing at places where the clientele was nothing but rich movie stars and tech millionaires. To call the dress “short” wasn’t quite a good enough description. It should have been called “sh--” instead, since it barely covered the bottom curve of her incredibly well proportioned, firm, yet soft and shapely at the same time, ass. It lay across her shoulders with two floss-thin straps and cut down beneath the bottom of her breasts so that I could somehow see the side, under, and top boob all at once. The cloth was a metallic red color that matched the shiny lipstick that painted her full, luscious lips she had selected for the evening. Her toned, slightly tanned, smooth legs were enhanced by four-inch red bottom heels. LaFaette’s, or LouAlbanos or something. They were a slightly darker shade of red than her dress, but a ribbon the same shade wound up her calves and tied slightly below her knees like she was a Christmas present.
And I really, really, really wanted to open my present.
“I changed my mind,” I said after I cleared my throat and the room stopped spinning. “We are going to stay in the apartment, and I’m going to take that dress off, then you are going to put it back on, then I’m going to take it off, and then you are going to put it back on, and we are going to fuck like minks somewhere in the middle of that. Maybe twice...”
“Oh, Marc,” she said as she flipped her shoulder-length brown hair back. It was full of bounce and curl as if styled by someone who had hair care products named after them. “You are being a goofy skull, but I’m happy you like it.”
“I don’t just like it,” I said as I reached toward her with wiggling fingers. “I’m getting the tingly sensation--”
“But we have work to do,” she giggled as she slapped my hands away. “The car is here--”
“It can wait,” I interrupted her.
“Marc Havak,” she said in her stern, I-Mean-Business voice even though she still had an impish smile on her face. “We have a gangster to meet. It is important, and all of our friends are counting on us. Look with your ocular orbs, not with your phalanges.”
“Ugh,” I sighed as I lowered my hands which had come up and were in the process of squeezing the air in front of me as if I were holding her boobs. “It’s actually ‘look with your eyes and not with your hands,’ and I seriously hate whoever made that saying up right now.”
“Well, I do not think we will be with the… What did you call them? ‘Ganger bangers?’ For that long. So when we get back--”
“What are we waiting for, doll face?” I laughed. “Let’s beat feet and get those gorgeous gams walking toward the door.”
“Finally,” she said.
“On second thought, we should just walk the whole way,” I said as my eyes zoomed in on her butt and the way it moved in the dress as she walked.
“Haha,” she giggled and tossed me her best I-Am-Pretending-To-Disapprove-But-Really-I-Love-It look. “Marc, you just want to stare at my gluteus maximus as I am walking.”
“Yes. Yes I do,” I chuckled. “I’d follow that gluteus to the maximus and beyond.”
“Then follow it into the car.” She stopped and turned her head back over her shoulder to look at me out of the corner of her eye, and I felt my knees go weak from the way her behind faced me, and her back bent to the side so she could see me.
“Just go,” I said as I walked over to her and threw my arm around her shoulders to pull her close. “You’re killing me here, V-Five. Killing me.”
As we walked through the door, I couldn’t help the small wince I made.
I was sore as hell, especially in all the new muscles parkour had used. In fact, I’d only survived the shower by having Artemis play Eye of the Tiger over and over again while I told myself that each ache and pain was making me stronger.
“Still sore?” Artemis asked as we began to walk down the hall to the elevator.
“Well, seeing you in that dress has made me super sore in one particular--”
“I am so happy you like the dress,” she reiterated as she pressed the elevator button. “I bought it because I thought you would like it. Although, I didn’t think you would be this distracted. Perhaps I should take it off?”
“If you do that, we really won’t leave,” I said as I moved across the elevator and rested both of my palms on the wall so that she was stuck in between my arms. “And, we might get arrested for indecent exposure.”
Our eyes met, and she bit her lower lip, but then the doors dinged. We both sighed and then turned to leave the elevator. As we walked through the lobby, I heard the concierge inhale sharply. He was a humanoid alien of an unknown-to-me origin with gold skin, and soft, inquiring eyes. His name was Hanquisarqual and he was two-hundred years old and we’d hit it off pretty well.
“Easy there, Hank,” I joked as Artie and I walked by. “The lady is with me tonight.”
“Oh, these old bones couldn’t keep up, Champion Havak,” Hank replied in a soft, warm, voice that sounded the way worn leather felt. “But I can dream, lad. I can dream. You kids have a good night out on the town.”
“I always have a good time when she’s on my arm, Hank,” I shot back as we moved through the doors and got into the cab.
We got in the cab and spent the next twenty minutes necking like a couple of teenagers, but in my defense, it was her idea. So was the mind-blowing neck rub she gave me which helped my muscle soreness tremendously.
“Club Zaa,” the Telecultus who was our cabdriver said in a Long Island accent as he came to a stop in front of the club. “Feel free to tip, by the way.” These Telecultus alien dudes had really stumbled onto some weird psychological attachment I had to Long Island accents. I know my mom’s cousin Jimmy Bucci sounded exactly like this, and he’d always given me a crisp twenty-dollar bill for my birthday when I was a kid, so maybe that was why the dialect was so endearing to me.
The door swung open automatically, and Artemis dug around in her silver hand purse for a couple of unfamiliar looking bills. The cash reflected the neon purple lights that radiated from the dance club, and the driver thanked us after he shoved them in his pants, which was a sight I hoped I never saw again.
I stepped out of the car, looked down at her with a sly smile, and offered my hand to her.
“Let’s cut a rug, sister,” I said cheekily.
“Oh, chivalrous.” Artemis let out a giggle, took my hand, and stepped carefully out of the vehicle. She was unbearably sexy in her outfit, and I almost couldn’t keep my mouth from watering as I offered her my
arm.
From the outside, the club looked very much like the kind of establishment I’d expect to find in a futuristic alien version of Las Vegas. The building was shaped like a large inverted pyramid, and the exterior walls were made of a metal that was polished to a mirror-like shine. The building’s angles were illuminated by pulsing purple neon and laser lights, and the entrance had two wide pillars standing on either side. A long purple carpet rolled from the doors and onto the sidewalk where a handful of aliens waited to be admitted into the club. I had no idea how the building stayed upright, but I’d become accustomed to not having any clue how anything worked.
“I cannot wait to dance with you, Marc,” Artemis said with excitement as she grabbed my arm. “I have been studying Earth dances for a while now, and I think I have finally mastered the country line dance!”
“As much as I love a good line dance, I doubt this is the kind of establishment for that, Artie.” I laughed and shook my head as I heard the bass bump from outside the club.
“Oh well shoot,” she said, momentarily displeased. “Hopefully there is a pole because that is another form of human dance I have researched!”
“Sometimes dreams do come true,” I said with mock wide eyed innocence.
“Hopefully dirty ones,” Artemis whispered into my ear as we walked up the purple carpet.
My chest swelled a bit as she latched onto me. Oh yeah, I could take on any mob boss easy-peasy. Bring it, meat. Bring it.
We continued to walk up the carpet until we were stopped by a large bouncer in a pinstriped double breasted suit. The bouncer’s skin was made of green scales, he had two extra arms, stood about a foot and a half taller than me, and had tusks coming out of his jaw. He moved to block our way, but I reached into the inside pocket of my tuxedo jacket and pulled out the paper invitation. Upon laying eyes on the paper, he bowed his head with reverence as he pulled open the door and gestured for both of us to enter.
“Have a wildly good night, sir and madam,” the bouncer said as we passed by him and into Club Zaa.
Which was an explosion on the senses. We were in a large foyer area where all kinds of young aliens milled about excitedly. The club itself lined the four sides of the inverted pyramid and got bigger and bigger the higher up I looked with the floor and booths that lined the walls like terraces. About half way up, maybe four stories high, was a dancefloor that was suspended by what looked like cables made of pure light that tethered it to the walls of the pyramid. Four large cylindrical pink marble pillars stretched up forty feet from the already high dance floor. They must have been at least ten feet in diameter and atop each one writhed sexy female humanoid aliens covered in shimmering blue feathers.
The walls of the pyramid itself were see-through and filled with purple lava. I caught glimpses of bathing suit clad Lava Mermaids that swam through the boiling hot purple magma as if they were in an infinity pool. A smoky haze filled the place which actually made it look kind of badass. The light from the lava walls mixed with the neon and lasers to create a kind of chaotic dimness that made me excited, anxious, and kinda horny all at once. After a few moments, my eyes adjusted to the light, and I could see that there was gold speckled crown molding highlighting the corners of the walls, ceiling, and just about every ornate light sconce in the joint.
The next thing I noticed was the music. It sounded to my very unrefined ear like K-pop played backwards and filtered through a subwoofer the size of a Buick. It was also loud. Very, very loud. It pretty much forced you to yell at the person a foot away from you in order to get their attention. I mean, come on, who wants to hear that much bass? Unless you’re Deadmau5, count me out. Although, I suppose alcohol makes people and aliens alike pretty damn easy to please… and deaf.
As we snaked our way farther in, I was stunned by the wide variety of clientele in the place. I swear I had just walked onto the set of Star Wars: A New Hope that was being rebooted as a Showgirls sequel. To one side there were a group of gray skinned, alien girls with four arms, a drink in each hand, and hardly any clothes on. I wasn’t good enough at basic math to calculate just how many drinks they had all together, but I figured it was more than Abe Lincoln’s year count at the Gettysburg Address.
Just beyond the gaggle of gray-skinned girls were a pair of women who reminded me of a species I battled not long ago. They resembled the wolf-centaur guy who died at the hand of a space ogre fireball. This pair, however, were clearly female. They were a bit smaller than the male I’d battled, and their fur seemed to be much silkier and clean. Oh, and they had nothing on but some sort of halter top to cover their breasts, not that one needed a tremendous amount of imagination to imagine what they or about ninety percent of the other patrons looked like naked. Hell, I was pretty sure some actually were naked.
“Wow. This place is something else!” I shouted to Artemis over the music.
“What?” she cried as she leaned in toward me. “I can’t hear you. It sounds like an accordian fucking a didgeridoo. Did you say something?”
“I said… Nevermind.” I shrugged and stepped aside so that a pair of human sized praying-mantis-like creatures could walk around me.
Artemis nodded as if I had said something profound and then gazed up toward the ceiling. “It’s huge! The dance floor just keeps going and going and going!”
“That’s what she said,” I teased, but then my eyes followed hers, and I realized just how big the fucking place was. From underneath the dance floor dozens of lights flashed as the dancers’ feet made contact with the surface. It was like fireworks.
“What did who say?” Artemis shout-asked with a furrowed brow and pursed lips.
“I think the music could be a little louder,” I yelled sarcastically as I slid my hand around the small of her back and kissed the nape of her neck which made her visibly shiver.
“Marc Havak,” Artemis purred. “You could at least buy me a drink first.”
“Done,” I told her as I escorted my stop-a-clock-hot companion to the nearest bar. “Anything you like, Artie.”
“That’s what she said.” Artemis grinned at me before she turned and pondered the menu.
The bartender finished up with a Hobbit-looking customer, and for a moment, I thought the hairy little halfling would need help to get down from the barstool. He managed surprisingly well, and we exchanged nods as he raised his drink.
“Good luck with the One ring,” I called as he disappeared into the crowd. “Middle-Earth is counting on you!”
“Middle-Earth?” Artemis gave me a curious and almost worried look. “Does Earth have multiple layers of habitation? It is not in any of the literature.”
“It’s from a movie.” I smirked. “Another of the ones that I’ll have to show you.”
“That would be great.” She smiled at me. “We could Frosty and the Webcinema.”
“That’s not…” I started then stopped myself as a smile broke out on my face. “I actually like that about a hundred times better, gorgeous.”
The bartender turned to us, and I muttered under my breath playfully, “Wait for it…”
“What’s it gonna be, kids?” he asked in my favorite alien accent as he wiped an empty Pilsner glass.
“There it is,” I laughed to Artemis and shot finger guns toward the Telecultus bartender. He looked less than amused. I, however, was as happy as a Long Island mother on Mother's Day that Long Island accents were a recurring theme with my bartenders and cab drivers here.
“I will have a Long Island Iced Tea,” she told him after she shook her head at me with a little smile.
“I’ll have an Earth beer,” I ordered. This time I was sure to emphasize which planet I wanted my beer to be from. Last time, a beer from another planet knocked me on my ass. Literally. When I tried to drink it, it grew legs and arms and punched me right in the nose.
“You know what happened last time you had too many of those Long Island Iced Teas,” I chided with a snicker. “Too many being one.”
“I r
emember quite well, actually,” she teased and then gave me a once over with her seductive gaze. “I was hoping for a repeat.”
I raised my eyebrows at her in mock surprise and felt my stomach flutter at her bluntness. I remembered that night very very fondly, so I leaned in close to whisper in her ear.
“You know, I was the one who wanted to stay in our room and practice removing your dr--”
“Long Island Iced Tea and Earth beer!” the bartender interrupted after he slammed our drinks on the bar.
“Thanks, pal,” I muttered before I took my very dark beer with a creamy head and handed Artemis her drink. It looked just like my favorite beer from back home on Earth, but it was too much to hope.
“It’s on me,” he said as he nodded at the drink before I could take a sip.
“Oh, thanks man,” I said as I returned his nod.
“No problem, Champ,” he said as he reached for his towel again. “I’m looking forward to your next match. I haven’t seen a contestant as fun to watch as you in some thirty cycles.”
“I try,” I laughed, and then I gave him a little air toast before Artemis and I turned back to the crowd.
I took a sip and licked the excess foam from my lip before taking a scan of the room. The second the nearly black liquid hit my lips I knew I may have just died in the last match and gone straight to heaven. It was as if the gods of hops and barley danced on my tongue as the liquid flowed past my taste buds, and they cried out hallelujah before it hit my eager belly. Yup, it was as close to an approximation of Guinness as one could get this far from the river Liffey and my knees almost went weak.
“Thank you dear lord brewing Jesus up in beer heaven,” I said quietly between sips.
Artemis and I found a spot that had a small bar table off to the side where we set our drinks down and just took in the crowd for a few moments.
“Champion Havak?” a sultry female voice asked from behind us.
“That’s me?” I turned from our little perch and saw a real life Neko Girl standing before me. More like Neko Woman to be exact. Okay, really like a sexy, sensual as fuck Neko Woman to be perfectly clear.