A Drake by George!

by John Trevena

  CHAPTER II

  EXHIBITION DAY AT WINDWARD HOUSE

  "Mansion and grounds will be thrown open to the public on Sundayafternoon, between the hours of three and five, for the inspection ofthe rare and costly antiquities collected during his numerous voyages byCaptain Francis Drake, who will personally conduct parties. As the hallcarpet is of inestimable value, having formerly covered a floor in theYildiz Palace, visitors are earnestly requested to wipe their boots."

  "I think you have forgotten, William," said Mrs. Drake, when her husbandhad posted this notice, "how you bought that strip of carpet at anauction sale for eighteen pence. The piece you bought from Turkey is inBessie's bedroom."

  "Ah, yes, my dear, but it might just as well be in the hall, and for thepurpose of exhibition we can quite easily imagine it _is_ there,"replied the most capable showman.

  By twenty minutes past three, which was punctual for Highfield, arespectable number of villagers had gathered beside the noticeboard asthough awaiting an excursion train: old men and young, women andchildren, stood huddled together like so many prisoners of war, all verysolemn and anxious. One little boy was sobbing bitterly because a reporthad reached him concerning another little boy who had been invitedbeyond that gate and introduced to the giant tortoise, which haddisplayed since then a singularly well-nourished appearance. Thereforehe was vastly relieved when the Captain announced that, owing to thesize of the crowd, which was adopting a closer formation every moment,children would not be admitted that afternoon, but a separate day wouldbe arranged for the little ones, when they could play in the garden andfeed the animals; an ominous invitation which made the little boy cryyet louder.

  The Yellow Leaf, who wore a coat not much younger than himself, as thefather of the people, and related to everybody within a ten mile radius,stepped first into the house. He was, however, better dressed than theWallower in Wealth, who was believed to own a mattress so well stuffedwith gold and silver pieces that it could not be turned without the aidof crowbars. The Gentle Shepherd paused on the threshold to scrape thesoles of his boots with a knife. The Dumpy Philosopher nervouslyunfastened a collar which was borrowed. The ladies wore all the finerythey possessed.

  "You are now, ladies and gentlemen, standing in the hall of WindwardHouse, upon the priceless carpet used by a former Sultan of Turkey as apraying mat," began the Captain.

  "Must ha' been a religious gentleman," said the Yellow Leaf approvingly,as he tapped his stick upon the threadbare patches.

  "And fond of a quiet smoke," added Squinting Jack, pointing to someholes obviously caused by cigar ends.

  "What size of a place would this Yildiz Parish be?" inquired the GentleShepherd.

  "Palace, my dear old fellow. It's the Windsor Castle of Turkey, wherethe Sultan prays and smokes, and signs death sentences of his Christiansubjects."

  "Amazing small rooms," remarked the Dumpy Philosopher curtly.

  "The Turks don't cover the whole of their floors like we do," explainedthe Captain. "When the Sultan wants to pray, they spread a mat like thisbefore the throne, and he comes down on it. When he's done praying, theyroll up the mat and chuck it out of the window, for the Sultan neveruses the same bit of carpet twice. I happened to be passing underneathhis window when this particular mat was thrown out, so I picked it upand nipped off with it, though Christians are forbidden by the law ofTurkey to touch anything the Sultan has even looked at."

  "Didn't 'em try to stop ye?" asked a lady.

  "They did," said the Captain grimly. "Though boasting isn't much in myline, they did try to stop me--officers of the army, ministers of state,officials of the court, men in the street--but Turks have enormousnoses, while I own an uncommon big fist; and when one big thing, mydear, aims at another big thing, they are bound to meet. You can see thebloodstains on the carpet yet," declared the Captain, indicating acorner where Bessie had upset the furniture polish.

  "I do wish poor dear William wouldn't read so many newspapers," sighedMrs. Drake in the background.

  "Now, my dear friends and neighbours," continued the showman, warming tohis work, "although fully conscious of my own unworthiness, I beg todraw your attention to this pedigree of my family, framed in Englishoak, and most beautifully decorated in the national colours by one ofour leading artists. It commences, you see, with the name of myillustrious ancestor, Sir Francis Drake, the mighty admiral who, almostunaided, sent the Spanish _Armada_ to the bottom of the Irish Sea. Thehead of the family has been honoured with the name of Francis eversince: the same name, ladies and gentlemen, and the same undauntedspirit. Boasting is painful to any member of the Drake family, yet Iwould say--give me the Irish Sea and some English ships; give me ahostile Navy, such as was faced by my immortal propogand ... myimperishable protogent ... my eternal prognosticator--that's the word,dear people--and if you think I'm boasting, I am very sorry for youropinion of Devonshire manliness and courage."

  "You ha' forgot to mention what you might do to the hostile Navy,"reminded Squinting Jack.

  "Send it to the bottom," roared the Captain.

  "I can't bear to listen when he gets near the pedigree," murmured Mrs.Drake. "He will not remember he made it all up. And he has made mepromise to put Francis on the gravestone."

  "Wur Queen Elizabeth one of your descendants too?" inquired the GentleShepherd in great awe.

  "Not exactly: she was not, what you would describe as one of myforefathers," explained the Captain. "Her illustrious name is hereinserted within brackets as an indication that the Drakes do not claimto be of the blood royal; but, as you will remember, Queen Elizabethknighted Sir Francis, and there is a pleasant tradition in the familythat she once flirted with him."

  "Ain't that wonderful!" gasped one of the ladies.

  They entered the parlour, where George was crushing flies with a corkagainst the windows. It was his habit to display some form of activitywhen his uncle was about.

  "The pictures," resumed the Captain, "are chiefly good examples of theoleographic school; with here and there a choice engraving taken fromthe illustrated press: marine landscapes, depicting sea breaking uponrocks, being a prominent feature. The young lady picking sunflowers waspainted by my wife at the age of seventeen, and is the only example ofthat period which survives."

  "The flowers are dahlias," Mrs. Drake corrected somewhat sharply.

  "My dear, anybody acquainted with our simple wayside plants could tellthat at a glance. I am afraid, ladies and gentlemen, the only flowers Ican name with absolute certainty are sea anemones and jellyfish. Thegrandfather clock is unique," hurried on the Captain. "It strikes thehours upon a gong, chimes them upon bells, and is also provided with aBurmese instrument which discourses sweet music at the quarters. A clocklike this relieves the unnatural stillness of midnight, and gets theservants up early. A barometer is affixed to the case; this wind gaugerecords the velocity of the draught between door and window; while theburning glass registers the amount of sunshine received in this portionof the room daily. Twice during the twenty-four hours this woodenfigure winds up an iron weight which, becoming detached at a certainpoint, falls upon a detonating substance contained in this iron vessel.The explosion occurs at noon and midnight."

  "Ah, now I knows it ain't always cats," muttered the Dumpy Philosopher,who lived about a hundred yards away.

  "About four hours behind, ain't it, Captain?" remarked Squinting Jack.

  "It does not profess to be a timekeeper," replied the Captain. "Anyordinary clock will tell you the time. This does more--it instructs andentertains. It keeps us alive at nights. I like a clock that announcesitself. Last Sunday evening, when in church, I distinctly heard theexplosion, the clock being then seven hours slow, and it seemed to me avery homely sound."

  "I hope Mrs. Drake ain't nervous," said one of the ladies.

  "No, indeed," came the reply. "I lived for ten years next door to one ofthe trade union halls. I find it very quiet here."

  "I reckon this would be another clock," said the Gentle Sheph
erd,staring at a grandfatherly shape in the corner.

  "No, my friend, that is an Egyptian mummy."

  "One o' they what used to go about on Christmas Eve in the gude old dayswhat be gone vor ever!" exclaimed the Yellow Leaf with great interest.

  "Not a mummer, but a body, a corpse--dried up and withered," explainedthe Captain.

  "Same as I be nearly," murmured the Yellow Leaf; while some of the womenscreamed and some giggled, one hoping the creature was quite dead,another dreadfully afraid there had been a murder, and a third trustingshe wouldn't have to adorn some parlour when she was took.

  "Can he do anything, Captain--sing and dance, or tell ye what theweather's going to be?" asked Squinting Jack.

  "'Tis a matter of taste, but I couldn't fancy corpses as furniture,"observed the Dumpy Philosopher.

  "What I ses is this," commented the Wallower in Wealth, "if I wur to digbodies out of churchyard, and sell 'em to folk as genuine antiquities, Iwould have the policeman calling on me."

  "You mustn't dig up Christians--that's blasphemy," said the Captain."This chap was a heathen king, one of the Pharaohs you read of in theBible, and he died thousands of years ago. He may have known Jacob andJoseph--and I bought him for five bob."

  "Ain't that wonderful!" exclaimed a lady.

  "It do make they Children of Israel seem amazing real," admitted theGentle Shepherd.

  "The remarkable object occupying the centre of the mantelpiece is aRussian Ikon. It used to hang upon the quarterdeck of a battleship whichwas lost in the Baltic," continued the Captain.

  "I suppose 'tis useful vor navigating purposes," suggested the DumpyPhilosopher.

  "It is what the Russians call a holy picture. They say their prayers tosuch things," shouted the Captain angrily.

  "A queer lot of old stuff here along," said the Gentle Shepherd.

  "A few articles are priceless," declared the proprietor. "These twovases, for instance. They were looted from the royal palace at Pekin byan English sailor lad who had intended them as a present for hissweetheart; but, as he couldn't carry them about, he sold them to me forten shillings. An American gentleman offered me a hundred pounds for thepair, but I wouldn't part with them for five times that amount. Theseblue dragons are covered with a lustre known as glaze, which is now alost art. This portfolio of pictures also comes from China: there aremore than fifty, and each represents one of the various kinds of torturecommonly practised by Chinese magistrates upon people who are broughtbefore them, charged with such offences as forgetting to pay localrates or being polite to foreigners. Here is the usual punishment foromitting to lick the dust when a big-pot passes--being impaled uponthree stakes above a slow fire without the option of a fine."

  "Nice pictures to look at on a Sunday evening," said Squinting Jack.

  "The curiously twisted spike, which bears a close resemblance to iron,and is indeed almost as heavy as that metal, was given me by an Egyptianfellah, who said he had discovered it in the Assyrian desert," resumedthe Captain with somewhat less confidence. "It is supposed to be a hornof that extinct animal the unicorn, but I don't guarantee it. Accordingto a mate who sailed with me once--a chap who knew a lot about animals,and had taken prizes at dog shows--the unicorn had a hollow horn, andthis, you see, is solid."

  "The Egyptian fellow had you, Captain. It is iron, and there's a markupon it that looks to me like a crown," declared the Wallower in Wealth,who had commenced prosperity as a wheelwright.

  "Don't that go to show it is genuine? Ain't the lion and unicornthe--the motto of the crown of England?" demanded the Yellow Leaf.

  "The beast wouldn't have a crown stamped on its horn when he drawedbreath," said Squinting Jack.

  "I b'ain't so certain. I ha' seen rummy marks on a ram's horn," answeredthe Gentle Shepherd.

  "There are wonderful things in Nature," said the Captain. "When I wasoff the coast of South Africa, I watched a big fish flap out of thewater, climb a tree, stuff itself with fruit, and then return to itsnative element. It may be the unicorn was adopted as one of thesupporters of the Royal Arms, because it had this mark of a crown uponthe base of its horn."

  "Some volk ses there never wur no unicorns," remarked the DumpyPhilosopher.

  "Plenty believe creation started after they were born," retorted theCaptain sharply. "The lion and the unicorn are the royal beasts ofEngland--any child knows that--and when all the lions have been shot,lots of people will say there never were such creatures. If unicornsnever existed, how is it we possess pictures of the beast? How do weknow what 'twas like? How do we know its name, and how do we know it hadonly one horn bang in the middle of its forehead?"

  "That's the way to talk to unbelievers," chuckled the Yellow Leaf. "Imake no manner of doubt there wur plenty of unicorns; aye, and lions andfour footed tigers, and alligators too, in this here parish ofHighfield, though I don't seem to able call any of 'em to mind."

  "'Tis an iron spike sure enough, and 'twur made in Birmingham,"whispered the Wallower in Wealth to his nearest neighbour.

  "The little creature in this glass case is a stuffed mermaid, supposedto be about three months old," the Captain continued, indicating acleverly faked object, composed of the upper part of a monkey and thetail of a hake. "I did not see it alive myself, but was told by theinhabitant of Sumatra, from whom I bought it, he had found it upon arock at low tide crying piteously for its mother. He took it home, andtried to rear it upon ass's milk, but the poor little thing did not livemany days. It was too young to show any intelligence."

  "The ass's milk might ha' made it feel a bit silly like," suggestedSquinting Jack.

  "Don't it seem a bit like slavery to ha' bought it?" asked atender-hearted matron.

  "And a bit blasphemous to ha' stuffed the poor mite?" complainedanother.

  "Oh no, my dear ladies. These creatures do not possess immortal souls,"replied the Captain.

  "How be us to tell?" inquired the Dumpy Philosopher.

  "Only creatures who can pray possess immortal souls," declared theCaptain piously. "When we pray we kneel. Mermaids cannot kneel becausethey have no legs."

  "There used to be a picture in the schuleroom of a camel on his knees,"began Squinting Jack; but the Captain hurried off to the next object ofinterest, which was a snuffbox composed of various woods inlaid withmother of pearl.

  "A tragic and mysterious relic of the French Revolution, found in thehand of a Duke while his body was being removed for burial," he said inhis most impressive manner. "This box is supposed to possess a mostremarkable history, but it has not been opened since the originalowner's death."

  "Will ye please to go on and tell us all about it," requested the YellowLeaf.

  "It is the mystery of this box that nobody knows its history," came theanswer.

  "Why don't ye open it, Captain?"

  "The second mystery of this box is that the secret of opening it islost. It is alike on both sides, so that you cannot tell which is topand which bottom."

  "I'd open 'en quick enough," said the Wallower in Wealth.

  "And smash they lovely pearls all to pieces!" cried a lady indignantly.

  "'Twould be a pity to spoil a couple of mysteries," said Squinting Jack.

  "That's how I feel about it. As it is, this snuffbox is a genuinelyromantic antique; but if we discovered its history--which I was assuredby some gentleman in Paris is most astounding, although entirelyunknown--it might lose a considerable part of its value. I have chargedmy wife to present this box to the President of the French Republicafter I am taken from her. She is not bound to present it personally,but may either entrust it to the registered post, or hand it to hisExcellency the French Ambassador at his official residence byappointment, whichever course may be most pleasing to her," said theCaptain handsomely.

  A number of curiosities sealed up in bottles were exhibited, and thenthe Wallower in Wealth delivered a little speech he had preparedbeforehand. He began by mentioning that his cottage stood near thegarden of Windward House, and went on to explain
how, upon certainevenings, when shadows were lengthening, his soul had been soothed bydistant strains of sweetest music. His wife, who had no ear for harmony,ventured to attribute these sounds to the rival choirs of cats on theroof and owls in the trees; his mother-in-law, who was superstitious,gave all credit to the pixies; his daughter, who was sentimental, hadgone so far as to suggest angelic visitors. But he was convinced thesounds proceeded from Windward House. And he concluded by imploring theCaptain to entertain the company by a few selections upon hisgramophone.

  Captain Drake replied that nothing so commonplace had ever disturbedthe silence of his abode. "Oriental music of the most classicaldescription is played here," he said, approaching a large black caseupon gilded legs and throwing back the lid. "This, ladies and gentlemen,is the musical box, formerly in the possession of an Indian potentate,and bestowed upon me in return for services which I could not mentionwithout appearing to glory in my sterling nobility of character, whichwas one of the phrases employed during the ceremony of presentation. TheMaharajah offered me the choice of three gifts--a young lady, anelephant, and this musical box. Being already married, and having noroom in my ship for a bulky pet, I--somewhat to the astonishment of mygenerous benefactor--selected the musical box. There are only two otherslike it in this world; one being in the possession of the Dalai Lama ofTibet, while the other unfortunately reposes at the bottom of theAtlantic. The small figures dressed as Chinamen--these boxes were madein China, but the art is now lost--play upon various instruments afterthe fashion of a military band. In a small room such as this the musicis somewhat harsh; but when heard from the garden it is, as our friendhere has said, exquisitely beautiful; the more so when the parrots singin unison."

  "I thought parrots was like women; they just talked," said the DumpyPhilosopher.

  "They don't sing like nightingales," the Captain admitted. "But theirnotes blend very pleasantly with instrumental music. Before we gooutside I will wind up the box; but here is one more interesting relic Imust show you. This Star beneath the glass case, although its rays arenow sadly tarnished, adorned at one time the coat of His Majesty KingGeorge the First. Its history is fully set out upon the parchmentbeneath. The thing does look worth twopence, I admit, but then you mustremember it was made in Germany, where they have always been fond ofcheap decorations, which could be worn at Court, and then hung uponChristmas trees to amuse the children. According to this parchment,which supplies us with documentary evidence--the writing is somewhatblurred, as I was forced to use an uncommonly bad pen--this Star wasworn by His Majesty upon his arrival in England. The maid of honour,whose duty it was to rub up the royal decorations, took the wrong bottleone day, and used her own matchless preparation for the skin instead ofthe usual cleaning mixture; and when all the pretty things turned blackshe passed them on to a Jew, and told the king she was very sorry, butshe had accidentally dropped all his Hanoverian decorations down thesink. What he said with the usual month's notice I can't tell you, butprobably he didn't care much, as he could buy stars and crosses andeagles by the gross from the toymakers of the Black Forest cheap forcash.

  "This particular Star was cleaned by a patent process and sold to atailor, who stitched it on to a magnificent coat he had made for a youngDuke who had just stepped into the title; and he, after a time, passedon coat and Star to his valet, who parted with them to a quack doctor,well known as the discoverer of a certain cure for cataract. He hadalready made about a score of people totally blind when he was called into attend a lady of quality; and when this lady's sight was destroyed,her relatives invited the quack either to have his own eyes forciblytreated with his ointment, or to clear out of the country. He soon madeup his mind, sold the coat and Star to a pedlar, and returned toGermany, where he entered the diplomatic service and blinded a lot morefolk.

  "The pedlar made his way up to Scotland and, meeting a very shabby oldfellow upon the road, sold him the coat and Star after the hardest bitof bargaining he had ever known in his life. This old chap turned out tobe the first Duke in all Scotland, and he was driven to buy the fineryas he had been commanded to appear at Court. When he got to London inhis ramshackle old coach, he rubbed up the Star, put on the coat, inkedthe seams a bit, then went to the Palace, where he found the Kingplaying dominoes with one of the English Dukes. 'Gott in Himmel!' criedhis Majesty, 'His Grace has got my old Star. I know it's mine, for 'twasmade in dear old Sharmany.' The Scot was trying to explain that the Starhad been made to order by his village blacksmith, when the English Dukechimed in, 'And he's wearing one of my cast-off coats!' At this pointthe manuscript breaks off abruptly.

  "That's the true English history of this old Star, which I purchased forsixpence from a sailor in whose family it had been an heirloom for thelast two hundred years."

  "Ain't that wonderful!" exclaimed a lady.

  "It do seem to make they old kings and Druid volk wonderful clear avoreus," murmured the Yellow Leaf.

  The Captain led his guests into the garden, while George, afterlaboriously collecting a handful of dead flies, followed, ready tosupport his uncle if necessary, but still more anxious to supporthimself.

  "My cats are famous," said the Captain, approaching a building which hadbeen once a stable, and was now divided into two compartments; one witha wired front for use in summer; the other closed and kept warm forwinter quarters. "I have now succeeded in obtaining a highly scientificanimal, combining the sleek beauty of the pure Persian with theaggressive agility of the British species. For the last twenty years Ihave supplied cats to the ships of the mercantile marine, and by sodoing have saved much of the commerce of this country; for a single ratwill destroy five shillings' worth of perishable cargo in one day; whilea single cat of my variety will readily account for fifty rats, not tomention mice innumerable, during the same period. If you will reckonsixty cats, let us say, supplied by me annually, each cat accounting forfifty rats, again not reckoning mice innumerable, every day; if you willadd a dozen cats supplied, again by me, to dockyards and custom housesswarming with vermin of every description, each rat doing damage to theextent of some shillings daily, with smaller vermin doing the sameaccording to size and jaw power; if you will add sixty ships to twelvedockyards, and add, let us say, twenty cats supplied from my stock toforeign countries, reckoning in such cases in francs or dollars insteadof shillings, and making due allowance for the different tonnage ofvessels or dimensions of dockyards, if you will remember I have alsosupplied most of the cats at present commissioned to kill rats and miceupon the ships of the Royal Navy; and if you will include in yourestimate the Grimalkins I have sold, or given, to millers, warehousemen,wholesale grocers, and provision merchants...."

  "I reckon, Captain, that will come to about quarter of a million poundsa year, not taking into account shillings and pence," broke in SquintingJack to free the Captain from his obvious difficulty.

  "That is a moderate estimate; still I will accept it. Quarter of amillion pounds annually for twenty years, friends and neighbour! Have Inot done my part in liquidating the national debt?"

  "Cats aren't what you might call nearly extinct animals same as theyunicorns. Us ha' got more home than us knows what to do with," remarkeda lady timidly.

  "Us drowns 'em mostly," observed a matron who looked capable of doingit.

  "Not cats like these--the latest triumph of scientific inbreeding," theCaptain shouted.

  "Oh no, sir! Ours be bred all nohow," said the timid lady.

  "Don't the monkeys tease 'em, Captain?" asked the Gentle Shepherd.

  "The simians have sufficient intelligence to understand that my felidaeare famous for the claws. Beneath that tree," continued the Captain,"about three paces from the side of my nephew, you see the gianttortoise, which is the greatest antiquity that I possess--next, ofcourse, to the Egyptian mummy. That tortoise, my friends, has lived inthis world during the last five hundred years."

  "Ain't that wonderful!" gasped a lady.

  "I captured it upon the beach of one of the Galapagos Islan
ds, where ithad just succeeded in laying an egg."

  "Him lay eggs! Then all I can say is he'm the funniest old bird I everdid set eyes on," cried a lady who was famous for her poultry.

  "How did you manage to get hold of his birth certificate, Captain?"asked Squinting Jack.

  "Tortoises live for ever, if you let 'em alone--that's a proverbialfact," stammered the Captain, somewhat taken aback. "You can tell hisage by--by merely glancing at his shell. This tortoise has his shellcovered with tarpaulin to prevent the newspaper cuttings from beingwashed off by rain; but if it was removed you would see that the shellis yellow. It is a well known scientific fact that the shell of atortoise is black during the first century of its life; takes on abluish tinge for the next two hundred years; and becomes mottled withyellow when it approaches the enormous age of five hundred years."

  "Same as me," said the Yellow Leaf sadly.