Adulting 101

by Lisa Henry

Devon: Dude.

  Nick will probably be grounded until he’s dead of old age. His dad hasn’t calmed down enough yet to say it, but Nick won’t be surprised. He lies on his bed and works on his web comic. He’s been drawing it since he was fifteen. He has three hundred and twelve subscribers. He would probably have more if he could, like, actually draw. Even after three years his characters look a little lopsided.

  It’s dark when Devon climbs in his bedroom window, bearing a pizza.

  “I love you,” Nick tells him fervently, and attacks the pizza.

  “I know,” Devon says smugly, and Nick doesn’t know if he’s quoting The Empire Strikes Back or just being a dick. “So, tell me everything.” Then he shudders. “Well, not everything.”

  “I blew Jai Hazenbrook in a porta-potty and we got busted,” Nick says around his mouthful of pizza. “Then we both got fired.”

  Devon winces and flops down on Nick’s bed beside him. “Sucks, dude.”

  Nick rolls his eyes.

  Devon winces again when he realizes what he said. “You know what I mean.”

  “Do I?” Nick asks. “Or are you secretly an asshole who got me a meatlovers with extra sausage just for a cheap laugh?”

  “I got you a meatlovers with extra sausage because it’s your favorite,” Devon tells him, and reaches over to steal a piece of pepperoni. “Is your dad pissed?”

  “Totally. Also, he can’t look me in the eye, which is weird.”

  Devon sighs. “Sorry, bro.”

  Nick knows there will be plenty of time later for Devon to remind him that he told him so, but the cool thing about Devon is that he knows now is not the right time for that. Devon always has Nick’s back when he needs it. Devon is the first person Nick came out to. Nick was sixteen. And Devon was totally not surprised. Which, after that thing at baseball camp, okay. Yeah, maybe Nick had totally initiated things and Devon had just gone along with it when Nick promised that straight bros jerked off together all the time. Really, Nick isn’t sure why it took him another two years to come out to Devon. And then, when he did, Devon had only nodded, hugged him, and asked him if he wanted backup when he told his parents. Devon is fucking incredible, and, if he weren’t straight, Nick would be planning their wedding already.

  “I feel really bad for Jai,” Nick admits as he chews his pizza crust. “I mean, what if he really needed that job, you know?”

  “Um,” Devon says. “He’s an adult, right? So, like, rent? And insurance and stuff?”

  Devon is as vague on the details of adulting as Nick is.

  Nick groans. “I’m a horrible person.”

  “Nick,” Devon says, his voice low and serious. “Hey, you didn’t force him to do anything, right?”

  “Right,” Nick agrees, even though it doesn’t make him feel any better.

  “Remember that time in tenth grade when you asked me if I wanted to pull the fire alarm with you? I didn’t have to.”

  Three weeks of detention for disrupting exams. Still totally worth it.

  They fist-bump.

  “You’re not a bad person,” Devon says. “You just have terrible impulse control.”

  It’s true. Nick’s not even hungry anymore, but he’s still shoving the pizza in his face. And he’s going to keep doing it until there’s none left or his stomach explodes, whichever happens first.

  “I do,” Nick agrees sadly, then decides it’s time for a change of conversation. “How’s it going with Ebony?”

  Ebony is the girl Devon’s been crushing on for almost a year now. They work together at the pizza parlor. Nick’s rooting for them, because Ebony seems really cool, but mostly because if they get together, he’s going to call them Debony. Or Devony. He hasn’t decided yet.

  Devebony?

  He attacks the rest of the pizza while he listens to Devon wax lyrical about how incredible Ebony is, and how she’s funny and smart and also really pretty, except what if she still thinks he helped her make signs to protest the protesters at Planned Parenthood that time just because he was trying to get into her pants? Devon’s a nice guy, but he’s worried that she thinks he’s one of those “nice” guys who’s only interested in being friends with her if it goes somewhere. And Devon wants it to go somewhere, even though of course Ebony doesn’t owe him anything. It’s complicated. Devon’s too scared to make a move because he’s been crippled by the weight of his male privilege. He only discovered it a few months ago, and it’s shaken him up pretty badly.

  “Look,” Nick tells him. “It’s really simple. You ask her if she wants to go out with you, and if she says no, then you still stay her friend.”

  “But what if she thinks I’m only staying her friend to hide the fact that I want to be her boyfriend?” Devon asks. His eyes go big. “I don’t want to turn into one of those assholes who gets all angry on Reddit about being friend-zoned and hates on every girl for being too good for him.”

  “I hate those guys,” Nick says. “Girls are too good for them. So are boys. And also every sentient creature that ever existed. You are not one of those guys, Dev.”

  “What if I am and I just don’t know it? What if living with Lewis has screwed me up? In ten years, I could be married to a Duggar sister, Nick!”

  “Oh, please. Lewis isn’t that bad.” Nick punches him in the arm. “But if you want to make certain, lean over and give your gay BFF a big kiss.”

  “No,” Devon says firmly. “Not because I’m being homophobic, but because I know where your mouth has been today, and you probably haven’t even brushed your teeth.”

  “That’s true,” Nick admits. He rubs his aching stomach.

  Devon stays with him until there’s nothing but grease stains left on the bottom of the pizza box, then gives him another hug and climbs out the window. The tree rustles as he makes his escape.

  Nick sends him a few encouraging texts about how incredible he is and how he should absolutely ask Ebony on a date, then crawls under his covers and tries not to worry about Jai Hazenbrook, and whether or not Nick ruined his life today.

  Nick checks to make sure Harvey Grover’s car isn’t in the lot before he steps inside the office of Grover Construction.

  “Hi, Patricia,” he says, and gives her an awkward little wave.

  Patricia sets down her Official Scrabble Players Dictionary. “Nick!”

  “Hi.”

  “You!” Patricia says, and she looks like she’s fighting a smile. Then, abruptly, she loses the fight, and a high-pitched giggle escapes her. “Oh my goodness, Nick!”

  Nick wrinkles his nose and nods. He can feel his face burning. “Yep, me.”

  Patricia presses her hands to her ample bosom, like she’s trying to contain her laughter. “Oh, you don’t do anything by halves, do you?” She lifts a hand to forestall the apology on the tip of Nick’s tongue. “Was it good?”

  “Um, kind of? I mean, if I got the chance to do it again, I probably wouldn’t pick a porta-potty and public humiliation, but he’s so hot,” Nick tells her. “Like burning.”

  “He really is,” Patricia agrees with a wistful sigh. “I’ll miss seeing his ass around here.”

  Nick sidles up to her desk. “About that . . .”

  Patricia raises her brows.

  “Can you give me Jai’s address? I feel sort of bad about him losing his job too, and I kind of wanted to check in with him.”

  Patricia looks torn. “Nick, you know I can’t give out employee details.”

  “Sure,” Nick said, “but he’s not an employee anymore, is he?”

  “Nick . . .”

  “Please?” He chews his lip anxiously.

  From the way Patricia exhales heavily, he knows she’s going to cave.

  “Fine,” she says at last, tapping her fingers over her Scrabble dictionary in a rapid tattoo. “But if anyone asks, you looked it up yourself when you were still working here.”

  “Of course, sure!” It’s totally something Nick would have done, if he’d thought of it.

  “
Employee records are in the back,” Patricia says, standing up. “I’ll go get it.”

  While she’s gone, Nick heads over to his former desk. He was only here for two and a half weeks, so he didn’t actually have time to make his mark office-style. Still, he loads a few pens he brought from home into the coffee mug with his name on it, and collects his notebook of terrible ass-homage poetry. Then he toys with his stapler, smacking it down so it spits out a series of purposeless staples, their little silver legs clenching on nothing but air.

  He drops the stapler guiltily as Patricia bustles out of the back office with a sticky note in her hand. She holds it out to him.

  “Thanks,” Nick says, and gestures helplessly. “Um, it was nice working with you.”

  “You should never be entrusted with a stapler again,” Patricia tells him frankly. “Good luck at college, and good luck sorting things out with Jai.”

  Nick takes the sticky note, and tries to feel a little bit nostalgic for his whole two and a half weeks as an officer worker.

  No.

  Nothing.

  He’d mostly been bored.

  Although he’d learned a lot of interesting new Scrabble words, so it wasn’t a total loss.

  “Thanks,” he says again, flashing Patricia a smile and heading back out into the sunlight.

  Jai Hazenbrook lives on the other side of Franklin. And it’s not like Franklin is huge or anything, but Nick’s dad confiscated his car, so he’s only got his bike. And it’s summer and it’s hot and Nick is sweating like a bitch before he even gets clear of Second Street. And Nick knows his limitations, okay? He knows that he’s short, and he knows that he’s got hairy toes, and he knows that he has the sort of pale peaches-and-cream complexion that looks absolutely gorgeous, except in summer. In summer he looks like a half-boiled lobster. Really, if he had any common sense at all, he’d turn around and go home and beg Devon for a ride later.

  But Nick’s never had any common sense, has he? And besides, he’s going to apologize to Jai Hazenbrook, not attempt to seduce him. Right?

  He shoves his coffee mug and notebook down the front of his shirt, hunches over the handlebars of his mountain bike, and pedals like the wind.

  Jai’s sister, Katrina, gives him the side-eye when he stumbles into the kitchen for breakfast. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

  Jai slumps into a seat and helps himself to a piece of toast from Ronny’s plate. “Got fired.”

  “Hey!” Ronny exclaims, then gapes. “You what?”

  “Got fired,” Jai mutters around the toast.

  “What the hell, man?”

  Jai likes Ronny. He’s better than any of Katrina’s exes, that’s for sure. They’ve been together for three years. Kat’s first kid calls him “Daddy,” and doesn’t that get them some strange looks on the playground? Kat’s oldest, Caden, is five now, and he’s blue-eyed and blond and so pale he needs to be slathered in sunscreen if he even looks out a window. Ronny’s black.

  “What happened?” Kat asks, holding out a spoonful of mush to Noah, who’s strapped into his high chair. He gums the spoon happily.

  Jai opens his mouth to tell her, but then Caden bounces into the kitchen.

  “Grandma says if someone doesn’t fix the hot water soon, she’ll cut some bitch!”

  Ronny drops his head into his hands.

  “Mom!” Kat complains loudly.

  A moment later their mother appears, wet hair dripping down the back of her dressing gown. “What’d I do now?”

  “You’ll ‘cut some bitch’?” Kat says. “Really?”

  Janice heads for the counter and drops some bread in the toaster. “I said that to myself! It’s not my fault that little people have big ears. Besides, if we’re talking inappropriate behavior, maybe you should ask your brother why he’s not at work today.”

  Kat cuts Jai a sharp look, eyebrows raised. Jai glances pointedly at Caden.

  “Speaking of work,” Ronny says, and glances at the clock above the fridge. “Caden, where are your shoes, little man? We are outta here in five minutes!”

  There’s a flurry of activity. Jai sits back and lets it happen. Ronny and Caden are the first to leave, Ronny with Caden’s schoolbag slung over his shoulder. Their mom heads out about twenty minutes after that, swearing under her breath about running late. It always amazes Jai how quickly she can make the transformation from dressing gown to corporate wardrobe. He can only assume that she ditches her potty mouth somewhere on the drive to the bank she’s worked at for the last twenty-two years.

  Kat whips Noah out of his high chair and sets him on the floor so he can crawl around while she does the dishes.

  “So,” she says in the sudden quiet following the family’s exodus, “what happened?”

  “I got caught getting a blowjob on the site.”

  Kat’s eyebrows shoot up. “You what now?”

  “Please don’t make me repeat that.”

  “Oh, jeez.” Kat bursts out laughing.

  “I know,” Jai mutters.

  Her smile fades. “What are you gonna do for money now? You know what jobs are like around here.”

  Jai knows. Few and far between. Argentina is looking farther and farther away.

  “I’ll find something,” he says. “Maybe pick up some bar work, or something else in construction if Harvey Grover hasn’t blacklisted me all over the county yet.”

  “Okay,” Kat says. “It’s just . . . It might not be so easy.”

  Jai nods. Money’s tight at the moment. Kat’s been working two days a week at a hair salon ever since Noah was born, even though she wants full-time hours. And Ronny’s still picking up what work he can as a substitute teacher because, despite his qualifications, he can’t get a permanent contract. It’s why they’re still living here, and why Janice is helping them out with money where she can. Jai knows he can’t ask his mom for a loan, not when things are already stretched thin.

  “I’ll find something,” he assures her.

  “I hope you do,” she says, and gives him a sympathetic smile. “You’d go crazy if you were stuck here after summer, right?”

  “Right,” Jai says, and forces a smile.

  Jesus.

  So right.

  The house is quiet once Kat leaves for work, taking Noah to daycare on the way. Jai finishes the dishes and stacks them neatly in the drying rack, then heads down to the basement. His old childhood room is Caden’s now, the walls decorated with Minecraft and Pokémon posters instead of the alternative bands Jai followed in high school. He and his friends hung out in the basement to watch movies and smoke pot back then. Now the basement is his bedroom for three months of the year. It’s not too bad, except it smells of laundry soap and is damp all the time. Jai’s slept in worse places, that’s for sure. Like that hostel in Rome where all the toilets backed up at once and flooded the bathroom with shit.

  He sits down on the fold-out couch—still unfolded from last night—and opens his laptop. He checks out a few job-find sites, but there’s nothing much going on in the local area. It’s no real surprise. Jai’s never gotten a job through a job site before. He tends to find work through word of mouth. Construction, yard work, bartending, that sort of thing. He opens a new browser window and updates his Facebook status: Looking for work. Hit me up.

  He heads upstairs again to take a shower, and his mom wasn’t kidding about there being no hot water left. When he gets out of the shower, he hears knocking on the front door.

  “Shit.” Towel tucked tightly around his hips, water still beading on his skin, he hurries down the hall. “I’m coming! Just a second!”

  He wrenches the front door open.

  Nick gapes at him, eyes glazing over.

  Behind him, on the front lawn, a bike’s lying on its side, front wheel still spinning.

  Jesus. He’s a child. At least he’s not wearing a backward baseball cap.

  “What do you want?” Jai asks.

  “Nipples,” Nick murmurs with a sigh, the
n jerks like a landed fish. Bright red and foot-in-mouth seems to be his default position. “Shit. Um, what?”

  Jai uses the door to shield himself. “What do you want, Nick?”

  “I came to say I’m sorry.” Nick wrinkles his nose. “Like, I don’t know if you even liked your job or anything, but, you know, bills and stuff, and so . . . Yeah.”

  Nothing that comes out of Nick’s mouth ever seems to be particularly coherent.

  “It’s not your fault,” Jai says, and almost means it.

  He steps back to close the door, which is a tactical error because Nick takes it as an invitation to step inside. For the first time, Jai notices he’s clutching a coffee mug full of pens and a notebook.

  “I, um, I cleared my desk out this morning,” Nick tells him, gaze traveling around the hallway curiously. “So, this is your place?”

  “No, I just randomly shower here.”

  For a second Nick’s expression is blank, and then he grins. It lights up his entire face. “Ha! Good one, dude!”

  Dude?

  Nick’s gaze falls on a discarded toy on the floor. “Wow! Is that Mewtwo?”

  Not for the first time, Jai has no idea what he’s talking about.

  “You know. Mewtwo?” Nick sucks in a sharp breath. “Holy shit. Do you have kids? Are you married? Is your hot scary husband going to punch me in the face? Or your hot scary wife?”

  “Way to jump to conclusions there,” Jai says. “No, I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. Whatever the hell that thing is, it’s my nephew’s.”

  “So you’re definitely gay?” Nick asks. “Like, definitely?”

  “No. I’m definitely bi.”

  “And single?” Nick presses.

  Shit. Jai probably should have gone along with it when Nick assumed he was married. He has a feeling the kid will be harder to detach than a barnacle.

  “Single,” he admits. “And not interested.”

  “Oh. Huh. Um, can I ask why?”

  Jai raises his eyebrows.

  “I mean, no pressure or anything, but apart from the whole getting fired thing, yesterday was sort of fun,” Nick says. “And this is my last summer before college, so that’s what, two and a half months? I mean, if you wanted to fool around and stuff for the next ten weeks, that would be something I would be totally down for. Or, you know, up for. Unless that blowjob was really terrible or something. Which, I don’t actually know. Feedback would be cool, you know, at some point. Whatever.” He squints down at his toes and scuffs his sneakers on the floor.