His eyes roamed over me before his jaw ticked, and he looked away. “They don’t know.”
“They don’t know what?”
He cleared his throat and looked down at his feet. “About the pills.”
“You idiot!” I stomped over to him and smacked him in the chest. “You’re still taking pills? Are you insane! You’re going to kill yourself! I guess you really do want to die, don’t you? Do you even know how bad that is for your liver? Or all the things that could happen to the people you love? It’s like a gateway to heroin, and I’m not going to sit back and watch someone I—” I stopped myself “—I won’t do it, Ash! I’d tell the whole damn world before keeping your secret!”
By the time I was done, my chest was heaving.
And Ash was smiling down at me.
“Stop smiling!” I gave him a shove. “I hate you! I hate you!”
I didn’t realize I was screaming until he cupped his hand over my mouth again, then very slowly removed his fingertips one by one.
“Feeling’s mutual,” he rasped. His eyes were filled with hatred and something else I couldn’t put my finger on. “And I’m not doing drugs, okay? My mom and sisters just don’t know.” He pulled away from me then. “So I would appreciate it if you’d stop the whole Sunday school teacher act and actually not tell everyone all my sins.”
“I can’t count that high anyway,” I said sweetly and followed up with a pasted-on smile.
He barked out a laugh. “Wow, Italy changed you. Last year you would have cried, and now I’m half afraid you’re going to scratch my eyes out.”
“The night’s young.” I snapped, then walked over to his bed and picked up a package.
It looked funny.
I wasn’t sure why I thought that.
It was from China, but “Toy Distribution” was stamped on it. “What’s this?”
He held open his hands, so I tossed it to him, and he tore it open in annoyance. Hands trembling, he dropped whatever white thing it was to the ground and rushed me until I was slammed up against the wall, his body protecting mine.
“Ash?”
“Shhhhh. Just wait…” His eyes were furious, his body strained as he held me captive, and then he very slowly slid his hand into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and pressed a number. “Yeah, Dad, white horse… I’m not sure; send Junior just in case—Dad, Junior would want it that way… No, Phoenix would get it… Call Valerian too while you’re at it—I don’t know. I don’t fucking know!” His hands were shaking by the time he ended the call.
“Ash?” My voice shook, even then, I didn’t move a muscle, too petrified something bad would happen if I was reading his body language correctly, and by the heat coming off his chest, the rage burning from the inside of his soul. “What’s going on?”
He locked eyes with me, his whisper gruff. “Nothing huge… Someone just wants me dead.”
I jolted like I’d been slapped as tears filled my eyes. “And the package?” Panic pitched my question two octaves too high.
Sympathy mirrored in the depths of his gaze. “I need them to make sure there’s no bomb.”
“Then why are you still here?” My voice trembled. Why not let me die?
“Because here is where you are.” He leaned in, licking his lips just as the door to his room flew open admitting Hell’s scariest demons.
The men of the mafia.
Lovers.
Killers.
Family.
Chapter Three
“If I should go before the rest of you. Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone. Nor when I’m gone speak in a Sunday voice. But be the usual selves that I have known. Weep if you must. Parting is hell. But life goes on. So sing as well.” —Joyce Grenfell
Ash
My heart was pounding so hard I was convinced she could hear it. Every muscle was on high alert as I tried to shield her with my body.
It had been pure instinct.
Pure adrenaline.
She didn’t know that the last horse sent to Nixon’s had taken out part of the kitchen.
Thankfully, no one in the family had been home.
But it had put two associates in the hospital with burns and burst eardrums. All I could think of was keeping her safe.
Amidst the hatred.
The shame.
The tension between us.
My brain had shut down.
And my heart had demanded, “protect.”
“Stay there!” Junior shouted at us as I pressed Annie harder against the wall. I didn’t need to be so aggressive, but she didn’t know that, so I enjoyed the moment while I could, aware that once my brain kicked back into gear, I’d scowl and push her away like I always did.
Because even if there was a slight attraction there…
The hatred burned brighter just like the blame; it always did, it always would.
“Got it,” I called back and then lowered my head until my lips grazed her right ear. “Try to stay calm; Junior’s one of the best.”
She slowly nodded her head, but her breathing picked up.
Was it me or the potential bomb?
Both?
I moved my hands to her hips, holding her there, pressing my body up against hers in a way that to anyone else would look protective.
Instead, I just couldn’t help myself.
She let out a shudder, one of her hands slowly moved to my hip. She rested it there, her palm burning a hole through my jeans and part of my skin since my shirt had ridden up in all my haste to protect her.
“Junior!” Phoenix bit out a curse. “The hell is taking so long?”
I could hear my dad roaring insults into what I assumed was a cell phone, most likely a safe distance from my bedroom door.
Of course, Phoenix wouldn’t be kept downstairs; his son was acting as bomb expert—his only son.
“Ash!” Serena called my name. “Why are you so extra?”
I rolled my eyes. “Could you not right now, Serena?”
“Stupid cousin,” she fired back.
“Love you too,” I called.
“Is Annie okay?” Izzy was next.
“Phoenix, why the hell are you allowing the girls up here?”
I could practically feel Phoenix’s sigh. Nobody said no to my cousin and sister. Nobody.
Not even the great Phoenix Nicolasi.
The thought had me smiling until I locked eyes with Annie again; she had tears streaming down her face.
“Hey, hey, hey.” I cupped her face wiping her tears with my thumbs. “You’re going to be fine; besides, the blast would take me out and keep you alive.”
Her pouty lips parted. “I don’t think I could survive that sort of guilt twice, Ash. Next time—” Her lip trembled. “Next time, please just let me die.”
I dropped my hands. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
She looked away. “Are we safe yet?”
“Almost there…” Junior said, all casual, and then started fucking whistling Shawn Mendez. Sometimes I hated him. “And wires cut…” He sighed. “You’re lucky it was a dud, or you would have been ash.” He laughed. “Oh shit, sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”
“Jackass!” Serena yelled, barging into the room as Annie slipped out from underneath me and made her way toward the door.
Izzy was there in an instant pulling her into her arms. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Annie sniffled.
“Annie!” Tank’s voice was more unwelcome than the bomb.
“You sure it’s a dud?” I jerked my head toward the small stuffed white horse. Because if it wasn’t, I had someone I was going to throw it at. Hah, watch him explode into tiny little Tanks all over the house.
The hell was wrong with me?
Tank shoved his way into the room, basically jerked Annie out of Izzy’s arms, and hugged her so tight that I was afraid her head would pop off.
“She’s fine,” I barked.
“Why was she even up here in the first place?” Tank sc
owled over Annie’s head, his green eyes flashing.
I just grinned like it was for nefarious purposes and then lifted a shoulder in a bored shrug. “Does it matter?”
“You.” Tank jabbed a finger at me.
I tilted my head. “Yes?”
“Tank.” Serena patted his back. “Leave it alone, big guy. As much as I like watching people fight, you would lose, and Ash’s running on enough adrenaline that I’m afraid he’d wrap your tongue around your own head then set you on fire.”
“Always so fucking graphic, my girl.” Junior winked.
Looking remarkably at ease in her black pants and matching crop top, she carried out a mock curtsy, then crossed her arms and stared at both Junior and me. “So what are we dealing with?”
“Evil horses.” Phoenix marched into the room and grabbed the package. “Good job, son. You did this one in under a minute.”
Serena pushed Junior in the stomach, her way of giving him a high five. Psychopath.
Junior ran a hand through his newly buzzed hair. “Thanks, Dad.”
Phoenix just nodded his head and then waved the package at us. “I’ll be with the other bosses trying to figure this shit out. You guys get any more packages, don’t bring them into the house, all right?”
“Yup.” I saluted him. “Though that one’s on my dad…”
Phoenix froze, his blue eyes narrowing. “He brought it in?”
“Tossed it on my bed.”
“Huh.” He licked his lips. “Wonder why our underboss is suddenly so careless…”
All eyes fell on me like it was my fault.
Well… it probably was.
He’d been pissed at me again.
I’d been like an angry zombie going through the motions.
“Shit.” I lowered my head. “I’ll talk to him.”
“Better yet,” Phoenix said, his voice icy. “Fix it.”
“Fix what?” Serena asked, even though I knew she wasn’t clueless.
“All of it.” Phoenix smirked. “Annie, always a pleasure to see you; I like the hair. It suits you.”
Her cheeks pinked. “Thanks, Phoenix.”
The hell? He gives her a compliment, and she looks ready to write him a note during math class! I compliment her and… Well, I didn’t actually compliment her, but in my head I know I said something like, “damn nice hair.”
Fuck.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Tank tilted her chin toward him and studied her face.
“She’s fine,” I snapped. “She was with me, or did you forget so quickly?” I crossed my arms while both Izzy and Serena gave me funny side-eyed looks. Junior was suddenly staring down at his phone like he was seconds away from curing cancer.
And Tank?
Well, every muscle seemed flexed.
I hated that I was the reason he’d gotten more cut in the last year. I’d trained him, for shit’s sake, and now he felt more foe than friend.
“I’m staying for dinner,” Tank announced, wrapping an arm around Annie and leading her out of the room.
Izzy skipped after them, then looked over her shoulder and stuck out her tongue at me.
I flipped her off.
Her cackle could be heard all the way down the hall.
With a sigh, I collapsed onto my bed.
Junior was first. “Sooooo, Annie in your room?”
“Long story.” I lay down on the unmade bed and wiped my hands down my face. “Don’t worry about it.”
Serena was next. “You know, it’s okay to—”
“Finish that fucking sentence, and I’m pulling a gun.”
She snorted. “Please, I’ll just kick it out of your pathetic hand, you weak little lamb—besides, you’ve got a crush, which means you have a blind spot; I’d eat you alive cousin.”
I peeked through my fingers and burst out laughing. “Shit, you’re trying to get me to fight, aren’t you?”
She shrugged. “Junior’s not rough anymore.”
“I could have gone my entire life without hearing that sentence, Serena,” I grumbled while Junior winked at her like he had plans later.
“Hate you guys.” I shot to my feet. “Where’s Valerian when you need him?”
“Actually, Dad said he’s flying down later this week. The Russians are concerned that if something happens to us, they’ll lose some of their most powerful allies.”
I frowned. “How sweet and uncharacteristic of them.”
“Exactly.” Junior snorted. “Oh, also, we’re staying for dinner too.”
“Is everyone staying for dinner?” I was already exhausted.
“With Annie and Tank here? It’s gonna be dinner and a show.” Serena rubbed her hands together. “And just so we’re all clear—you still hate her?”
“With every fiber of my dark soul,” I muttered.
Annie suddenly appeared at the door, her face blank. “Sorry, I uh, dropped my cell.” She scurried past Serena picked her phone off the floor, and then sprinted out of my room.
Most likely cursing me to hell the entire way.
“Did that on purpose, didn’t you?” I said to no one in particular.
“Course she did.” Junior winked. “She’s evil.”
“Aw.” Serena put a hand to her chest. “Thank you!”
“My evil queen,” he said gruffly.
“My wicked queen.” She jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.
“Leave before I bleach my eyes!” I roared as they started making out right in front of me. “What the hell have I ever done to deserve this?” She was fucking climbing him like a tree.
And I wasn’t jealous.
At all.
Of the fact that they had each other and I had no one.
Or that even Tank—of all people—had the one person I hated more than anyone in this world.
So why had my heart felt like it missed a few beats when I’d thought there was a bomb?
And why did the thought of him touching her send me into an angry spiral that had me ready to break him in half?
Hate was a weird emotion.
But hate for the woman who you held responsible for your fiancée’s death?
Impossible to explain.
It could only be felt.
And I hated that every time I felt it—it felt wrong.
Chapter Four
Where do people go when they die? Somewhere down below or in the sky? ‘I can’t be sure,’ said Grandad, ‘but it seems they simply set up home inside our dreams.’— Jeanne Willis
Annie
Tank brought me back to my room and then said something about sparring down in the basement. He was so comfortable in this house, and yet I was the one who had lived here.
Who had a room here.
And I still always felt like I was an interloper.
Even though everyone treated me like family.
My room was the same, a dark navy blue with spouts of white on the walls, a gorgeous sitting area by a fireplace, and my own outdoor balcony.
I blamed that balcony for everything, so I gave it a wide berth as I slowly put my clothes away.
My eyes fall upon the cute pair of jeans I’d bought and the crop top that I’d been brave enough to purchase only because I’d had two full glasses of wine with my aunt before she took me to get new clothes.
Her idea.
She loved spending Chase’s money; she said so every time she swiped.
And maybe, just, maybe she knew that I felt too guilty to do said swiping, so took it upon herself to make sure it was used.
Both items still had tags on them.
Sad that I would probably never wear them.
“You’re wearing that.” Izzy’s voice fills the room.
“Agh!” I dropped the clothes. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
She waved me off, tossing her long dark hair over her shoulder. “Stop being dramatic. If I was trying to give you a heart attack I’d just inject you with one of the han
dy needles we keep in our cases, stops your heart instantly doesn’t even leave a mark, genius really—” She stopped talking, probably because I’d felt my body sway as all the blood drained from my face. She scrunched up her nose. “Sorry, I tend to get too detailed.”
“It’s okay.” I put a shaky hand to my chest. “Just not used to all the casual killer talk.”
“Meh, you’ll get there one day.” Her blue eyes lit up. “Okay so, I’m pretty sure Tank has the hots for you. He wouldn’t stop talking about picking you up the other day, which is weird since Ash was the one who— You know what? Never mind, Ash is an idiot; we don’t count him in this scenario.”
“Definitely not.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Plus, he hates me with every part of his soul, and that’s a direct quote, mind you.”
She winced. “He said that? Out loud?”
“Yup.” I refused to let it bother me even though it was kind of impossible not to. I mean, it was never fun hearing how much someone hated you despite trying to save his life.
Boys were weird.
That one in particular.
I took a deep breath. “Anyway, this is a fresh start, and I like Tank. He’s… hot, and we’ve been friends since…” I frowned. Did I tell her? That it had been longer than just college? That that part had been a carefully constructed ruse by Tank himself to infiltrate?
“Since last year.” I lied, hoping she wouldn’t see through it since I was one of the worst liars ever. “Anyway, I just want to forget about—all of it.”
“And by all of it, you mean Ash having a nervous breakdown and throwing chairs in our pool or all of it being him making out with you a week after Claire died only to push you away and blame you for her death?”
I was quiet for a minute as my emotions rolled around in my chest, colliding with each other, wreaking havoc. “All of that.”
“Good!” She jumped to her feet. Her purple Jordan high tops were matched with ripped jeans and a loose T-shirt; out of all the girls, she’d always had the most relaxed style.
Last year she said it gave Maksim easy access.
This year?
I still hadn’t seen him. And she hadn’t talked about him.
So I assumed Maksim was either murdered by Chase or warned away.
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