I was completely shocked and simply slammed the door shut. What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?
I stumbled to the bed and sat there, staring down at my hands. So much for our wedding night. Paul hadn't even stopped when he saw my look of horror; he just kept going. This was the man I had married.
There was something else that was niggling at my mind. That porn mag…why did he need that?
The next day, we began our cruise.
Paul and I hardly spoke the day after I caught him with his pants around his ankles. I had sobbed quietly to myself, alone in bed, and then pretended to be asleep when he finally came out of the bathroom. He didn't say a word to me or touch me; he just crawled into the other side of the bed and was snoring within minutes.
I was feeling nauseated because of the pregnancy and immediately knew that being on a ship wasn't going to help any. I spent the first day or two in the cabin, heaving. That didn't stop Paul, though. He was out basking in the sunshine next to the pool, sipping on cocktails all day long.
When he did finally come back to the cabin, he started telling me all about some new friends he had met.
“Kelli, you gotta meet Steve and Lauren,” he said. “They’re incredible. We’re having so much fun. Wanna join us for dinner tonight?”
I didn't, but I was sick of sitting around feeling ill, so I agreed to venture out.
Lauren was a sleek blonde, with bright blue eyes and breasts that were obviously not her natural size. They were gigantic. I disliked her immediately. It wasn't her looks – I wasn't that shallow – it was the way she moved, like every gesture was a calculated seduction. I also didn't like the way she fawned all over Paul. I could tell right away that she was going to be trouble.
Her husband, Steve, was not much better. He was slick and smooth, with the classic personality of a politician. He started flattering me the second he met me.
“Oh, Paul didn't tell us you were hot,” he commented, while holding my hand for just a little too long.
“Oh? How surprising.” I tried to sound cool and distant.
Just then Lauren sidled up next to me. “No, he sure didn't,” she giggled, as she laid her hand on my arm. I was startled at the familiarity.
Steve laughed, and then murmured something in Lauren’s ear. I couldn't quite hear what it was.
I didn't feel very comfortable, physically or emotionally. Paul seemed unnaturally close with this couple, somehow. What is going on?
As the evening progressed, all three of them drank heavily. Obviously, I stuck to soda water with lemon. Being sober, I could see how things were progressing. Lauren laughed, batted her eyelashes, and flipped her hair back and forth over her shoulder constantly. She was wearing a strapless top, and as the night went on, it slipped farther and farther down showing most of her cleavage. It was also obvious that she wasn't wearing a bra; her nipples were clearly outlined. I could tell from how both men looked at her that she was arousing them. At one point, she placed her hand on Paul’s knee. She leaned in close to him, talking in a low tone while her hair fell forward and hid them both from view. I could see Paul’s erection, his cock stiffening, and the sight made me feel sick again.
I was about to excuse myself when I looked up and saw Steve staring at me. He was smiling, and there was an invitation in his smile. When I met his eye he turned, looked at Lauren’s hand stroking Paul’s leg, and then back to me. I didn't know what was happening, or didn't want to admit it to myself.
“Excuse me, I’m…I’m really not feeling well. I’m going to go back to the cabin.”
I stood up and waited for a moment. Steve kept staring, and then he finally looked away with a bored expression. As for Paul? He didn't even look up or notice I was gone.
I went back to the cabin and cried into my pillow again. Paul did come home that night, but not until 4am.
The next night he didn't come home at all. When I confronted Paul about not coming home to our cabin, he was hostile and defensive.
“I was out with Steve and Lauren, hon. We were just having fun and ended up staying at the bar until 5 or 6.”
“5 or 6? It’s 11am and you just got here ten minutes ago.”
“Jesus, Kelli! Do I seriously have to explain every little thing to you? Their cabin was a million miles closer than ours is to the bar, so they let me crash on their floor. I was too smashed to know the difference. Probably wouldn’t have even made it here without passing out.”
“Great, Paul. Just great. Thank you so much.”
With that, I stormed out of the cabin and blindly rushed down the hallway. I was trying to hold it together and avoid bursting into tears, but I couldn’t keep the flood from coming. I just needed fresh air. I found my way out onto a balcony that looked over the sea, and then let myself dissolve into sobs. What was I thinking? Why did I think that this would be OK? I knew that Paul wasn’t the greatest guy; I always had. Why did I let our parents talk us into this marriage? How am I going to survive it? All of these questions and feelings and more rushed through my head.
I looked at the blue, blue sea stretching out in the wake of the cruise ship. It looked so peaceful, so inviting. For one brief second, I saw myself climbing onto the railing, and then just letting go, floating down to the water and then drifting away.
In that moment, there was one thing that pulled me back down to earth and kept me from going any further: my baby. A kick in my belly pulled my thoughts back from the water. It was the first time I felt my daughter move, and I couldn’t believe it. I gasped with delight and cupped my hands around my stomach. I had a reason to live.
Years later, it was my brush with suicide that prompted me to pursue a career in therapy. I wanted to help people, however I could. Of course, getting into sex therapy was another journey, a story for a different time. But the initial move into the mental health care field came from that one desperate moment, standing on the cruise ship, gazing into the deep blue ocean.
When I found my way back to the cabin several hours later, Paul was waiting for me. He had a sheepish, guilty look on his face.
“Look, Kelli,” he said. “I don’t want things to be weird with us, okay?”
I felt cold as ice. “Paul, you stayed out all fucking night with those creeps.”
He flinched. “Steve and Lauren? Nah. They’re good people. We had a great time, and I wish you would have been with us.”
He looked at my face, and then his tone changed. “But look, sweetie. With the baby coming and everything I don’t want to rock the boat, you know? So I’m sorry. That’s what I’m trying to say.”
Young as I was, I believed him. The rest of the cruise passed without incident, and I found myself believing against hope that maybe I could have a life with Paul after all.
That was always the thing about Paul…the thing that kept us married for many more years. He always apologized…until the next time. I was too innocent and naïve to know that his apologies were just as empty then as they would be years down the road.”
“Wow,” said Jake, “that’s definitely one hell of a prom experience! I’m happy to say that mine was a lot more enjoyable.”
“Oh really? So what was your prom night like?”
“It was amazing, but that’s a story for a different time.”
Jake’s tone shifted now. “So, combine all of those experiences with a few other betrayals from work colleagues, with my failed marriage, etc. and you can understand how my self-confidence was pretty much at an all-time low by the time I joined that website.”
He grinned. “That’s all changed now, though. As I mentioned before, I don’t think that anyone could really say that I have low confidence at this point.”
Kelli couldn’t help but respond to his warm smile with a grin of her own. She glanced at the clock and was shocked to realize that as he had told his story, time had elapsed without her noticing its passing. It was already 5:00. The session was over.
Reluctantly, she cleared her throat and said, “Well, it’s 5
pm. But I’m glad that we covered some good ground in this session. I think it’s important for us to get to know each other and feel comfortable.”
To her surprise Jake started chuckling in reaction to her comment. His eyes twinkled, and he said, “Oh yes, yes it is.” Then his laugh ceased and there was a dramatic pause. “Now, tell me why you were late today.”
Kelli felt herself blushing and looked down at her hands on her lap. “Well, I stepped out to get a chai, and I thought I had enough time, but I didn’t. I really do apologize for that.”
Jake stood up and walked over to her. She remained seated, but could feel the warmth of his body just a few feet away, looming over her. It made her feel small, feminine, and intensely sexual.
When he spoke, his voice was low and firm. “You thought you had time, huh? I bet you often make that mistake…thinking you have enough time.”
She didn’t respond; the closeness of his body was making her feel crazy. She was afraid that if she moved, he would smell her arousal.
Jake moved back a few steps suddenly, and then spoke again, “Kelli, I need you to stand up and get a piece of paper and a pen.”
Again, acting with surprising obedience, she did as she was told, feeling the vibration of his words echo through her entire physical being. She brought the pen and paper and stood before him.
“Now, I want you to write this down, exactly as I dictate it. Will you do that?”
She nodded, and then remembering, said, “Yes.”
“‘I, Kelli Lemberg, understand that I will not be late for my sessions with Jake Furie Lapin,” Jake spoke slowly and surely. Kelli couldn’t quite believe what she was doing, but she wrote down his words. Many clients had odd requests. This was all just part of her job, that’s all.
Jake continued, “If I, Kelli, am late, I will receive my discipline. This discipline will consist of five strokes on the bottom administered with a belt. I will accept this as my just punishment and discipline for tardiness.”
Kelli was frozen for a brief, thrilling second. Was Jake asking her to accept a spanking from him? The second the thought entered her mind, she realized how much it turned her on, in spite of herself. She thought of Paul, and how weak he was…how goddamn weak. And here was this virile, sexual man stating that he would take control and would discipline her if she disobeyed or stepped out of line.
She finished writing what he had told her to write. “Do I sign it now?” she asked, huskily. She was sure that he must hear the arousal in her voice.
“Yes. You sign it.”
She did.
{ 4 }
The following Monday found Kelli in her office at 3:50, looking with anticipation at the door. The week had crawled by. At several points over the past seven days, she had found herself tempted to pick up the phone and call Jake under the auspices of ‘checking in’. Fortunately, each time she picked up the phone she realized how foolish that would be and restrained herself. Instead, she counted down the days, hours and moments until their next appointment.
Her intercom buzzed and she nearly jumped out of her skin. ‘God, I’m high strung these days!’ she mused and picked up the phone, “Yes?”
“Your four o’clock is here. Shall I send him in?”
“Yes, thanks.”
She placed the phone in the receiver and whipped out a tiny hand-held mirror from her desk drawer giving herself a quick once-over. Food in teeth? No. Make-up perfectly applied? Yes. She had just replaced the mirror when the door opened and Jake entered the room.
Today, his suit was a dark charcoal, and he was wearing a deep red, silk shirt that perfectly complemented his olive skin and startling green eyes. His tie was a tasteful grey with red and cream accents, and he wore the same heavy, burnished silver cufflinks that she had noticed the week before. Taking him in, Kelli felt her breath catch. For a moment she didn’t trust herself to speak, but she drew on her reserves of strength and calmed her voice. When she opened her mouth she was pleased to hear that she sounded steady and professional.
“Hello, Jake. How are you?”
He smiled that dazzling smile, and she felt her knees go weak. She gripped the edge of her desk, trying to look casual.
“I’m fine, Kelli,” he said. “Shall we begin?” He strode across the room and took the same chair in which he had sat in before, Kelli’s therapist chair. She sat across from him, conscious of the way that his eyes took in her skirt and shapely legs. She was wearing the ensemble he required, the shirt and skirt that she had begun to think of as his shirt and skirt, his outfit. She wore it, but it belonged to him.
Drawing out the yellow legal pad that she used to make notes in client sessions, she positioned herself a little more comfortably in the chair. “Ok, so in our last session…you told me about watching a man die.” Jake nodded. “But there is one thing that troubled me. You said that this was not the only time you saw a man die. Did you mean that there have been other deaths that you have witnessed?”
“Yes,” Jake answered, “there have.”
Kelli nodded encouragingly, and Jake began:
Well, at the tail end of my college career I took on a job in electronics in a neighboring town in order to make a little bit of extra cash. It was during the winter, and initially, it was a great place to work. I learned to install car radios, which I loved. One winter evening, at the time of year where it gets dark early, between 4:30 and 5, I was working on a car. The location of the electronics place was on the corner of two streets, and there was no car port or garage or anything like that. People would just park their cars outside the place and we’d work on them there. As it happened, there were a lot of drug deals that went down on that corner and a few really bad incidents had occurred.
“Why? What was happening to cause these situations?” Kelli was curious. She couldn’t believe how polished and masculine he was, how confident. How could anyone who had experienced such things be so calm? It was truly amazing.
Well, it was either because the drugs being sold weren’t any good or there wasn’t enough money to pay, etc. I really don’t know why or how things would go wrong, because I wasn’t involved, but I vividly remember what happened that day. It was getting dark, twilight, and there was a transaction going down between a scrawny little guy and a thuggish drug dealer that I recognized from around the neighborhood. The deal took an ugly turn, for whatever reason and the dealer pulled out a gun and stuck it in the scrawny guy’s face. When that happened, the guy turned… and in that moment, our eyes met. I saw his terror, but before I could even register what was happening, the dealer pulled the trigger. Without saying a word, he blew him away, right on that street corner. I was working in a car and I saw the whole thing.
Kelli winced. She couldn’t believe that Jake had seen more than one person get killed. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him, but she restrained herself. “What did you do?”
Well, as soon as the shot happened, I just crouched down and hid there, terrified because obviously I was a witness. I stayed there, hiding, and the drug dealer ran away without seeing me.
“Did you tell anyone what you’d seen?”
I told the owner that I had seen something and he just told me to keep my mouth shut. Nonetheless, it was obvious that that job was in a dangerous environment. I called in sick the rest of that week following the incident, and then I told the owner that witnessing the event had left me too shaken to continue working there. He was actually extremely upset and called me a pussy, a weakling, scaredy-cat, etc. I told him that being in an environment where I could be blown away that quickly and easily was something that I really didn’t want to do, so I gave up that job. To this day…I just remember the look in that man’s eyes. That connection…it was unlike anything else, except for what happens during the most intimate lovemaking.
Kelli asked, “So, between those two events – the time when you were really young and this time at the electronics store – were those the only times you saw someone die?”
<
br /> No, there was one other. In the town where I grew up, a really good friend of mine was hooked on heroin. I used to hang out with him after school, and we would play poker or role-playing games. I always knew when he shot up because he would get up and disappear into the bathroom or his bedroom and come back high. He knew that I didn’t really approve but that didn’t affect our friendship. Almost everyone in our group of friends really respected me for the fact that I was pretty clean. Even though there was a lot of heroin and pot in that town, I always kept clear of that stuff. My friend’s name was Billy…
Jake’s voice trailed off and Kelli saw that his eyes had a faraway look. She prodded him gently, “What happened to Billy?”
The Spice of Life (The Transformation #1) Page 10