For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  But love wasn’t always enough. That was one solemn realization Leah had made these last few months. If it were, he would have been sober years ago. They would already be married and happily anticipating the birth of their first child. Rather, they were miles apart physically and in many ways emotionally.

  It was unfair to try and get him to commit to their future. This time in rehab was about him and his need to figure out who he was without heroin as his crutch. Leah had to stop being his other crutch as well. Alex had never learned to stand on his own two feet. Heroin was there to hold him up on one side and she lifted him up on the other. It was long past time that Alex started taking care of himself.

  Leah had to finally admit that as much as she wanted Alex to be clean, his sobriety had always scared her. She always wondered in the darkest recesses of her mind if a sober Alex would have any place in his life for her. The selfishness of that notion rattled her to her core. There was nothing more important than Alex’s recovery—Alex learning to live with himself and finding happiness, even if that didn’t include her.

  She would not pressure him to offer her more. That would just inhibit his recovery and ensure his dependence on her. Alex had to put himself first.

  “You don’t need to make any promises to me. I don’t want you worrying about us. The only thing you should be thinking about is getting clean and staying clean. Whatever that means for you, I will support. I just want you to be happy, Alex. I want you to conquer those demons that have given you nightmares. I want you to be free.”

  She refused to cry and let her tears guilt him into promising more than he should. She would be strong for him and for herself.

  “I will call as often as I can and email. Please take care of yourself, Leah. I should be there taking care of you and the baby, and I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to be. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”

  “I’m not alone and I am strong enough to take care of myself and our child if I have to. Don’t worry about us, Alex.”

  “That’s like asking me not to breathe. I will always worry, Leah. Nothing will ever matter more to me than you.” Alex disconnected.

  Leah curled up on her couch. She tried to make sense of all that was said and all that was left unspoken between them.

  She’d never felt such distance between them. She’d never felt such loneliness. In that moment, her baby gave her a rather forceful kick as if reminding her that her mother was not alone. Leah patted her belly where her very active daughter continued to kick. “You’re right, my little one. I’m not alone. We have each other.”

  Chapter 10: Valentine’s Day

  It was nearly lunchtime and a very pregnant Leah was looking forward to a gluttonous meal at the local burger shop. She had a wicked craving for ground beef and greasy French fries. Not the healthiest of meals, but certainly the most comforting. On a day like this, comfort was exactly what she needed.

  No amount of food would distract her from the reality that today was Valentine’s Day and she was spending it without the man she loved. Alex was still in rehab and although he occasionally emailed, his calls were less frequent. She had not heard his voice since early January, when he belatedly wished her a happy new year. It was a brief discussion that left Leah yearning for more, but she did not push him for what he clearly was not able to offer.

  She knew he wanted distance and although the separation pained her greatly, she accepted it. Nothing mattered more than Alex’s sobriety and if time apart helped, she would not stand in his way. All she could do was hope that his ongoing treatment did not require a permanent separation.

  Even if the worst were to occur she knew she would survive. She had to survive.

  As she rubbed her growing belly, the baby gave her an excited kick, never letting her forget that this child was her number-one blessing. If she had to raise this angel alone, she would ensure that this baby never wanted for love. She would make sure her child knew that Alex loved it as much as she did even if he couldn’t be there to show just how much he cared. She would not allow her child to grow up feeling unloved.

  It would be so much better if Alex could be there with them and to shower their child with affection. His heart was so warm and loving. It was his love that helped Leah deal with the pangs of her childhood. It was his love that bolstered her self-esteem. It was his love that encouraged her to seek all her dreams, as he always had the unwavering faith in her that she would accomplish everything she wanted. He helped her believe in herself.

  If only she could have helped him do the same. No matter how hard she tried, she could never penetrate the walls of self-doubt and insecurity that had closed in on Alex stifling his dreams and his desires. She could not pull him to safety as he drowned in a sea of grief. Heroin had become the quicksand pulling him beneath the surface and the more Leah fought to save him, the further he sunk below.

  Rehab was teaching him to save himself. To find his own strength and be his own light in the darkness. No longer would she or heroin be his anchors.

  For Leah, it was difficult to let go of that role. She loved to take care of Alex. A natural nurturer, she wanted to protect him, care for him and give him everything he needed or wanted. Yet her counseling had taught her that she couldn’t be Alex’s savior and he couldn’t be hers.

  They could support each other but they had to support themselves. They could be a unit, but they would always be individuals as well. They could not lose their identities by being so entrenched in one another.

  She was slowly learning that lesson and knew Alex was probably being taught the same in rehab. She changed for the better thanks to this help, and she knew he would come out of rehab a changed man as well. Part of her feared that they would both be so different that they would not recognize each other anymore. He might not want the independent woman she’d become.

  She refused to believe Alex would give up on her. One day he would be there for her and the baby, but as the distance between them grew, her confidence wavered. Did he miss her as much as she missed him or was he already planning a life without her?

  She tried not to dwell on the things she could not change. She had a job that she loved, a baby on the way, and, surprisingly, a new and unexpectedly comforting relationship with her mother.

  It was like Francesca Rhodes had transformed into a different person. Ever since Christmas Eve dinner, she called Leah regularly and made frequent trips into the city just to spend time with her daughter. They spent more time together in the last six weeks then they had for most of Leah’s life.

  At first, Leah was reluctant to embrace this stranger who was so unlike the mother who had neglected her as a child, but for some reason, Francesca had changed and was slowly becoming the mother Leah had always wanted. Leah accepted that her mother might never be warm and affectionate, but at least she was starting to listen to her daughter and tried to understand Leah without judging. She still had much work to do in this area, but for once she was willing to try, and that was no more than Leah could ask for. Francesca Rhodes was not one for compromise, but she was doing so now for her daughter’s sake. A few years ago, Leah would never have believed it possible and would have bet her life that her mother was incapable of this kind of change, but she was proving her dubious daughter wrong each day.

  Francesca was so willing to try that she even agreed to meet Leah for lunch at Burger Palace, even though that was not her typical choice for cuisine. Francesca was a health fanatic who spent as much time at the gym as she did at home. Burgers were foreign to her and the restaurant, which was a loose description of the Burger Palace, lacked the requisite number of stars for Francesca’s expensive tastes.

  Leah had to admit that the idea of watching her mother struggle to find something edible in this casual burger joint would be more entertaining than the meal. She almost considered sparing her mother this kind of torture, but her need for comfort good outweighed her guilt. Besides, it might be good for Francesca to let loose for once and in
dulge in something sinfully delicious.

  Two minutes before noon, Francesca strolled into Leah’s office looking as stunning as ever with her long sable hair flowing freely down her back—a stark contrast to her full-length tailored white cashmere coat and matching gloves. She looked like royalty, and for a moment Leah felt the urge to bow.

  Everyone seemed to notice Francesca as if the world stilled as she graced it with her presence. She commanded attention—not that she necessarily wanted it—her cold beauty entrancing men and women alike.

  Leah sighed as she signaled her mother to her cubicle. She thought she’d overcome her insecurity, but seeing her mother look so perfect she once again felt like a withering dandelion while her mother was a freshly bloomed orchid.

  As a child she used to wish that she had inherited her mother’s grace and natural elegance, but instead she grew up a gangly teenager whose body hadn’t developed until she turned fifteen—and even then she was no match for her mother.

  She used to sneak into her mother’s room and wear her makeup and clothes, but she could never recreate her mother’s flawless image. Image was everything to Francesca, and she worked hard to maintain that look and live the lifestyle of one in her upper-class station. It was almost an obsession with her and it impacted everything decision she made. She would never do anything to jeopardize her lifestyle.

  Leah had always felt like a poor substitute compared to her mother, and because of that she resented her. It took a while for Leah to admit that to herself but she knew it was unfair to blame her mother entirely for the wall that had erected between them. Leah had pushed her mother away, and her mother had never fought to be a part of her life until now.

  Had they talked more instead of that companionable silence, they might have avoided years of unnecessary pain for both of them. There was no doubt in Leah’s mind that her mother had missed being a part of her daughter’s life just as much as she missed her mother. Neither was mature enough to admit it until that one day in November when Francesca showed up at her daughter’s home and finally bridged the gap between them.

  “Leah.” Francesca paused in front of her daughter. Her eyes gleamed as she greeted Leah.

  Leah wanted to hug her mother, but her mother still was not comfortable with all that touchy-feely emotional stuff. She was naturally quite aloof and she kept her emotions well hidden. That aspect of her demeanor was likely never to change. Leah had learned to accept it, although she wanted to better understand her mother’s resistance to love and affection. It’s as if she feared surrendering herself to her feelings. She locked them away in a vault and buried the key where no one could find it. Leah refused to give up trying.

  Leah certainly did not inherit her mother’s emotional withdrawal. Her feelings were an open book visible in every expression, every word she uttered. Although she tried to be as detached as her mother at times, she could never maintain a mask of indifference for long and, deep down, she didn’t want to be so withdrawn. Leah wanted to feel. Good or bad, she needed to feel something.

  “Thanks for coming, Mom. Well, here’s where I work.” She waved her arms around, showing her small, but comfortable cubicle. She loved her space and the people around her. She felt at home there, especially considering how lonely her apartment felt.

  Francesca smiled in that insincere manner that Leah recognized immediately. “It’s very lovely.”

  Her mother was very much a work in progress, but she was trying. Leah just had to remind herself of that often so as not to lose her temper. The ice queen would not melt that quickly.

  “I like it here a lot. It’s comfortable and I enjoy my colleagues. They are very supportive of me.”

  “That’s wonderful, dear. I’m glad you have something like this in your life that you enjoy.” Francesca sounded so pensive in that moment. Leah wanted to probe further, but her attention was focused on the loud laugh from the man strolling out of Marcus’ office.

  It was Grant Deverson. As usual, he looked like he didn’t have a care in the world while Marcus, who stood behind him, looked like he was contemplating strangling the man. Leah knew deep down that Marcus had the utmost respect for Deverson and the feeling was no doubt mutual. Marcus might harbor the occasional murderous thought about Deverson but, at the end of the day, he respected him and often complimented him on his business savvy and determination. For Deverson to accomplish so much considering how low he had sunk, thanks to his addiction, was admirable. This mercurial man had earned their respect and Leah, in particular, would forever be grateful for the help he generously offered Alex.

  Deverson turned to the direction of Leah and his smile faded into something much more serious, more intense. Leah studied the man and realized that he wasn’t staring at her, but at her mother. Her mother seemed to be oblivious as she continued to look around Leah’s cubicle as if trying to find something to like about the small space.

  Deverson headed to her direction as if he were a man on a mission. His eyes fixed on to Francesca, ignoring everything else in the room, including the employees who were shirking away from the presence of the boss. Despite his flamboyance in his personal life, he could be ruthless when it came to business and to cross him would be a financial mistake that one would be wise never to make.

  He stopped next to Francesca, catching her by surprise as she whipped around to see who had intruded upon her personal space.

  “Can I help you?” she asked politely, but there was a not-so-subtle hint of annoyance in her voice. She took a step back from Deverson’s piercing gaze. She seemed almost rattled by his attention, but Leah knew her stoic mother would never be affected by anyone, including someone as unpredictable as Deverson.

  After a long moment, Deverson held out his hand to her. “I am Grant Deverson.”

  Francesca stared at his hand as if debating with herself whether she should touch him. Reluctantly she placed her hand in his. Just for a moment, Leah saw her mother’s disinterested gaze soften briefly before she tried to remove her hand, but Deverson did not let go and firmly held on to Francesca.

  “Mom, Mr. Deverson is the owner of the Village Gazette. Mr. Deverson, this is my mother Francesca Rhodes.”

  “Francesca,” he repeated, emphasizing each syllable. No hint of the fake French accent. “A beautiful name for a remarkably beautiful woman.”

  “Thank you,” Francesca responded stiffly, looking away from Deverson’s probing eyes. She tried to pull her hand away again but he held on. “Can I have my hand back now?” Francesca glared at Deverson with her frosty eyes, the color of the deepest jade.

  That look would cause most men to shudder, but Deverson ignored her contemptuous gaze and beamed at her as his thumb lightly stroked her hand. “Ask me again in a few minutes.”

  Francesca tugged harder and this time he let go. A scowling Francesca turned to her daughter. “I think it’s time we go.”

  Francesca was clearly uncomfortable. Leah was so stunned to see her unflappable mother look so flustered.

  “Where are you headed?” Deverson asked, as if he was unaware of the tension he deliberately caused.

  “I don’t believe it’s any of your business, but I am taking my daughter to lunch.” Francesca refused to make eye contact with him, but that did not stop him from staring at her.

  “Are you going to invite me? It’s kind of rude not to.”

  “Unfortunately for you, I specialize in rude.”

  “Unfortunately for you, my healthy ego can take a fair amount of rejection.”

  “With your personality no doubt you are used to it,” Francesca bit back. With her ire fueling her, her mask was back in place as she faced this aggravating stranger.

  Leah watched this exchange with a combination of awe and horror. Deverson seemed to be amusing himself, but she wasn’t sure if her mother wanted to kill the man or continue the banter. Either way, this was her boss and her mother and the last thing she needed was drama between them that could impact her job. She knew her mother
had the potential to be quite lethal with her words. If Deverson continued to taunt her, her mother would likely cut him with her sharp tongue. Leah did not want Deverson to get hurt, but she also didn’t want to lose her job, as she couldn’t afford to be unemployed with a baby due in a few weeks.

  It was time to defuse the situation before things got out of hand. “Mom, we should get going. Just let me get my coat on.”

  “Maybe I can take you both out to lunch?” Deverson offered.

  “That won’t be necessary,” Francesca chimed in with her voice so sharp she could have sliced Deverson into pieces.

  “Do you only do what’s necessary, or do you ever take the stick out of your ass long enough to do something fun?”

  Leah gasped. No one ever spoke to her mother like that and if looks could kill, Deverson would be at the morgue.

  Surprisingly, Leah also noticed another look in her mother’s eyes. Could part of her be enjoying this after all? She was like a predator who had found prey, and Leah knew she would eat this man alive.

  “Sometimes a stick in the ass is quite fun. You would know, wouldn’t you?”

  “Mother!” Leah yelled, appalled at her mother’s retort. Her mother never spoke like this. She was cruel, but not crude. Who was this stranger? It was like Deverson was bringing out the worst in her.

  How could she say such a thing to him? Leah deeply regretted ever mentioning her boss to her mother. She told her about Deverson’s seemingly open sexual lifestyle, but she never expected her mother would throw those words back in his face. Deverson clearly didn’t expect it either, as he glanced at Leah briefly before turning back to Francesca with a glint in his eyes. Rather than being angry, he looked intrigued.