by T Gephart
You’d think after living in a city that had a population of over eight million people that I’d be used to crowds. The busy sidewalks and bustling streets should have totally desensitized me to the craziness. Yet, here I was in the middle of the sold-out club feeling like I was drowning.
A sea of endless bodies filled every square inch of space. Their fevered excitement reverberated off the walls as we pushed past. All of them there for one thing—Black Addiction.
It seemed that while I had been ignorant as to who they were, the greater people of New York didn’t share the same affliction. And like it or not, my boyfriend was a celebrity.
“You can watch from here if you want.” Rusty looked across the crowd as we waited at the area beside the stage. “It’s pretty intense.”
Intense was being conservative. Mayhem was more like it; I watched the insanity unfold as more people recognized him.
“If it gets too crazy just let security know and they’ll let you backstage, unfortunately you won’t be able see from back there but you’ll still be able to hear.” His concern poking through as the noise around us rose.
“You can go with the band. I’m fine, really I am.” Or I would be, I wasn’t about to fall into a heap when he needed my support. Especially when he’d given me so much.
“Are you sure, Ali? Jase is going to be here soon, I think some of the other guys. You want me to get someone to hang with you?” He was hesitant, concerned about me as always even when tonight should have been about him.
“Rusty. Go. I am fine. I would think that if Jase or anyone else is around it would only make the crowd more frenzied so it’s probably better they don’t hang with me. Besides, they’re tall and will just obscure my view not to mention their security getting in the way. I need to be able to see you clearly when you play, I want all my attention to be on you.”
“That’s my girl.” My response earned me a very showy kiss, he didn’t even care we were standing not far from the crowd. It was a really, really nice kiss too. I’m pretty sure the girls beside us gasped, their attention having not so discreetly been on my boyfriend’s ass. Yep, that’s right, ladies. He is all mine.
After letting the kissing go on a little longer—it would be totally crazy not to let the guy continue when he was so good at it—I convinced Rusty I would be completely okay by myself. His wave and smile disappearing behind the secure area where the rest of the band was no doubt gathered.
“Are you with the guitarist?” One of the girls screamed over the noise. Her T-shirt barely covering her breasts.
“Yeah, I am.” I answered a little more smugly than I’d usually do. I couldn’t help it. All in an effort to own it like I was trying to do. And if it made me feel good in the process, all the better.
“Wow. How did you land that? He’s gorgeous,” her friend piped in, her T-shirt only slightly longer.
“Oh I didn’t land him, we’re just using each other for sex.” A voice I barely recognized as my own came barreling out of my mouth. My silent gratitude was offered to AMC for playing a rerun of Pretty Woman last night. The clichéd line better than one I could have come up with on my own.
And just like that they were stunned into silence. Who knew I had it in me? It was a pretty cool magic trick actually. I could totally be a badass.
Not sure why I said it, maybe it’s because I was really done with being invisible.
I needed to not give a shit what they thought. Not even a little bit. Rusty and I were together and I was proud of it. Who cared? I was done looking for anyone’s approval. Certainly not some stranger who was wearing a shirt that was three sizes too small.
Sadly, I didn’t get to continue my fun, with any future movie lines being shelved as the lights dimmed on the shocked faces of my new friends. My smile widened in the darkness as I made out Rusty’s silhouette on stage, my heart racing in the excitement. This was so cool.
The first note shot out of the speakers like an assault rifle, the guitar screamed as the drums and bass joined in, the crowd erupting as Angie started singing. Everyone around me raised their hands, jumping in unison to the beat as the first song played. Whatever I’d expected. They were better.
Flawless. The four of them played song after song with perfection, each dip and peak of the music, teasing more out of the crowd. It was exhilarating and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much but I was right there with them the whole time. Stunned at how good they were.
Sweat poured off Rusty, my eyes barely shifting from him the entire time. The spotlight showcased each subtle movement of his body as the curve of his tight black tee lovingly caressed every muscle. His fingers roamed the fret board with each chord progression, the innocent display so erotic it sent the two girls beside me into a screaming frenzy. Goose bumps covered my skin as I was drawn even further into the beat, the crowd and the noise around me receding as my vision tunneled on only one focal point. I completely got it. Totally understood why all those women were vying for his attention. The sensuality of his body commanded attention while seducing the audience.
As the last few chords rang out, there was no doubt what we were watching was the start of something huge. The band primed for even bigger stardom when the rest of the world heard what we had tonight. Their lives were about to change forever.
“Thank you, New York—Goodnight!” Angie pumped her fist in the air as the lights faded. The silhouettes of the band members barely visible as the stage plunged into darkness, the deafening applause roaring from every direction. The show was over.
I could barely speak. I’d screamed so much my throat hurt, being captivated like everyone else and singing back what lyrics I could. That enthusiasm he asked me to fake wasn’t going to be necessary. It had been amazing, both him and the band and I had been right there with them. Breathing it in like oxygen.
A hand grabbed me from the dark, yanking me away from the stage and forcing me to turn around. The smile I’d been wearing for the past forty-five minutes was still plastered across my face, knowing it was going to be my guy. My proper appreciation finally being able to be shown for the mesmerizing performance I’d been treated too. He was so getting laid tonight. Sex, blowjobs, anal—whatever he wanted. I was going to go porno crazy on him the minute we got home. I totally understood the groupie thing now.
“Who the hell are you?” My smile slipped as it became evident it wasn’t the sexy, amazing guitarist who had grabbed my arm and dragged me through the crowd but some other guy. A guy I didn’t know.
“I want to talk to you. Don’t freak out.” The stranger’s hand refused to let go as he looked me over with more interest than I’d like.
The man was older, maybe forty? His black hair graying at the sides. He might have been good looking once, his green eyes staring right into me as the deep lines of his face creased. He was strong too, his body looming over mine as his flexed arm refused to let me go. This was not good.
“Well I don’t want to talk to you, asshole. Let me go.” My fingers tried to pry myself away from his grip; the crowd completely ignoring what was going on.
“Stop trying to get away. I’m just trying to talk to you.” The stranger continued edging me closer against the back wall.
My heartbeat thumped out of control in my chest as I started to realize how in trouble I was. Whoever he was, he was not walking away and Rusty was nowhere in sight. The excitement I had felt mere moments ago gave way to sheer terror as I wondered how the hell I was going to get away.
“I said NO!” I screamed with every bit of volume I had left, thrashing around as I refused to comply. If he wanted to hurt me, then I wasn’t about to make it easy for him and I sure as hell wasn’t going to go quietly.
“What the fuck? Phil, get your hands off her.” Rusty appeared from the darkness; his face completely contorted by fury. “You let her go right now, or I’m going to put you in the ground.” He didn’t sound like he was kidding.
“This doesn’t concern you, Rusty. Piss off.” The gu
y—who’d been recently identified as Phil—refused to comply. I assumed him to be the same Phil who was Max’s brother, but what he wanted with me was still a mystery.
“Like hell it doesn’t concern me, you motherfucker.” A swing aimed straight at Phil’s jaw made contact with a crunch. “Get your hands off my girlfriend.”
Rusty’s punch forced Phil to let go, his hands releasing me as he grabbed at his face, the power of the blow making him step back. His eyes peeled back in shock that Rusty had hit him. No. Really. The guy looked surprised, like he couldn’t believe that he’d taken a swing. Even though he’d been repeatedly asked to let me go, by Rusty and by me. Obviously he was dumb as well as scary. The confusion priceless as he looked between the two of us in a daze.
“You’re dating her?” He spat out some blood just as Joey and Max arrived to catch the show. The offstage antics, the new attraction. The one I had unwittingly been dragged into.
“Phil! What are you doing?” Max pushed himself between his brother and Rusty. Not smart considering Rusty’s fist was still clenched and ready to throw another punch. “Dude, what the hell is going on?” He looked to his friend for answers when his brother gave none.
“Your piece of shit brother grabbed Alison and was trying to hurt her.” Rusty moved to my side, his body shielding me while he turned to Phil and yelled. “I swear if one fucking hair on her head has so much as a split end, I will end you.”
The crowd that had been so uninterested while I was fighting off a would-be attacker had now started to gather, curious as to why the band they had seen on stage not so long ago was now in the middle of some kind of dispute.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt her, asshole. I just wanted to talk to her,” Phil spat back, the angry guitarist at my side not appeased by his assurances. Phil was clearly not bright, stupidly not showing fear despite Rusty’s threats. I was worried what he was capable of and I was standing behind Rusty, seeing his body tense like it was itching for a fight. Standing in front of him? I’d have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.
“And you?” He pointed his finger directly at me accusingly. “Do you know what you’re getting into with him? He’s a dog, Alison. Do you have any idea how many women he’s been with?”
Why he cared was my first concern, with the second being why he felt he had to inform me of Rusty’s past. I’d seen it with my own eyes, I knew he hadn’t been a boy scout who went home early so he could go to church. My eyes were wide open as to who he was and what he’d done. Not to say it thrilled me that he’d probably slept with more women than I could imagine, but I couldn’t be mad at him for something that happened before he’d met me. Since being together, he wasn’t that guy anymore. I had no reason not to trust him, no reason to believe he would sleep around and cheat on me. It had been him who had been pushing for the relationship, why would he do that if all he wanted was someone else? No. He was mine, he loved me, and no crazy idiot was going to convince me otherwise.
“Phil, knock it off. This is not cool.” Max shoved his brother, his anger starting to match that of my boyfriend.
“What the hell are you saying?” Rusty stared at him in disbelief, turning to me to see if any of those words had stuck. “Alison, don’t listen to him. He’s obviously delusional.”
“You’re not good enough for her.” Phil tore through the Max barrier and went straight after Rusty. “She’s my daughter.”
I’m not really sure what exactly happened next. Possibly a massive explosion causing the world to end, who knew? The noise disappeared as well, the yelling and the screaming completely evaporating into thin air as my brain tried to process what I’d just heard. I was this man’s daughter. As in, the fictional character whose name was absent from my birth certificate was standing in front of me.
No.
None of it made sense.
My brain finally kicked back into reality. I watched security, with the help of Max and Joey, try to break up a hurricane of flying fists between the man I loved and some guy who apparently was responsible for my birth. And here I had thought the show on stage was explosive. Nothing like what was going on now.
“How are you my father?” The voice that hadn’t been able to speak a few moments ago found its way out of my throat. My mother didn’t even know who my father was and now this guy was volunteering? It made no sense.
My question had been enough to do what the security hadn’t, both men stopping to face me as their fists stayed cocked, ready to strike. My need for an answer forcing me to go on. “How the hell are you my father? Answer me.”
“Your mom and I were together a long time ago. We were both young. She got pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be a dad so I left. I reached out to her a few years ago, she didn’t want to tell me shit at first. She was still pissed, but finally she gave in. Took me three years before she finally emailed me a picture.” His fist unclenched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone—a photo of me lighting up the screen.
“Jesus Christ.” Max grabbed the phone from Phil’s hand, studying the likeness before looking back at me. “You had a kid? How the hell do you have a kid?” Obviously I hadn’t been the only one in the dark, my dear dad forgetting to mention my existence to his own family.
“What are you saying? No. Shut up, you’re lying,” I screamed completely unconcerned about who was around and what they heard. None of this could be true. There was no way. Of all the people who could be my father, this man was not it. It just wasn’t possible.
“Babe, listen to me.” Rusty threw his arms around me. “I’m going to get you out of here, okay? Max is going to deal with his fucktard brother and we’re going to leave.” His lips hit my forehead as he pulled me in closer.
“Why is he saying that? Why?” My head shook as I tried to understand what would make someone play such a cruel and heartless joke. “Why?”
“Because it’s true,” the man who had sent my world crashing down around me answered. “I know that’s not what you want to hear. But it’s true. Call your mother. Ask her.”
It was too much. The noise, the people, the staring. I had no idea which way was up, my head spinning so much I thought I was going to puke.
“Alison, let’s go.” Rusty made the decision for me as he slowly pulled me away. The crowd parted as we walked through. I passed the gallery of stares completely stunned. Only able to remain on my feet because the strong arms wrapped around my waist were keeping me upright. Rusty refused to let me go until we’d exited the club.
It was in a daze that I got into his car, oblivious to what he was saying or what was happening. My mind checked out until we arrived back at his house. My body was carried up the steps and gently laid on his bed before I snapped out of my catatonic state.
Holy shit.
What the hell just happened?
“Ali, baby.” Rusty shuffled on the bed beside me, his ever-present arms squeezing me closer. “It’s going to be okay.”
I’m not sure how he could make that promise; there was no way he could have known that. No way any of us could know how this was going to play out. My life was a series of catastrophes. One more epic than the last and it was definitely not okay.
“Do you think it’s true? Do you think he is my dad?” It was crazy. Completely insane, but he had my picture. A picture I’d sent to my mother last Christmas when she’d gone through rehab again. Why would she give it to him?
“Honestly, I don’t know. There’s an eighteen-year age gap between Max and his brother . . . I mean the numbers match up. Phil went off the rails before Max was even born so, based on possibilities? It’s entirely possible. If that is something you want to know, we will find out, but my only concern is you right now.” His hand rubbed up and down my arm as he pressed his lips to the top of my head.
God, he was being so sweet.
I had completely ruined his big night. The preview of what was about to come and the first time anyone other than the band had heard their new material.
Instead of celebrating with his friends or having crazy, freaky groupie -like sex with me, he was dealing with the fall out that was my life. Yet again. It was completely unfair.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. My feelings were completely twisted into a mess of everything and nothing, my mind unable to focus. “Tonight was supposed to be about you, not about me.”
“What have you got to be sorry for? None of this is your fault, do you get that? None of this.” He bent his head so he could look me in the eyes. “This is one thing you will not own, this is not on you.”
It was nice of him to say that, even if I didn’t believe it. But, the writing was on the wall.
I was cursed.
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. I wished I had asked more questions. Asked if Phil was indeed my father, how he could have walked out and forgotten about me for twenty-five years. How could he just choose now to wander back in, completely disregarding whether I’d want to know him or not. I wish I had asked why the hell he thought he had any right to even speak to me after deserting me. Leaving me to fend for myself with a mother who needed more care than I did.
But out of all those questions running around in my head, I asked none. My mouth and mind seized completely as I let some loser who at most was a sperm donor, completely disarm me. That’s what I hated most of all. That I had believed I’d changed. That I believed I was strong, smart and able to take on the world. But I was none of those things. I was the same mess I always was. The same mess I guess I’d always be.
I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. If I was making it worse or if I was making it better, but all I knew was that I had to do something.
We’d been sky-freaking-high coming off stage. High fives and congrats being thrown thick and fast and all I wanted to do was get to where my girl was.
While Angie hadn’t birthed her first born rocking out, she wasn’t feeling great either. Enter baby daddy with a bunch of unspoken I-told-you-so’s who got her out the door before Joey had finished making out with his bottle of Gatorade.