Slide (Black Addiction #1)

by T Gephart

  “But it’s not enough for me.”

  Those words sounded like a goodbye if ever I heard one. The pain just as raw as it had been last night.

  “Then we’ll do whatever it takes to make it enough, but me walking away isn’t happening. I’m not losing you.”

  “Maybe I’m already lost.”

  I had been convinced it was a bad dream. That I would wake up and last night would be just a figment of my overactive and dramatic imagination. But it wasn’t. It was real.

  Both my parents had abandoned me. Sure, each of them in their own special way, but I hadn’t been a priority in either of their lives. My mother only called when she needed legal advice, the only reason she didn’t ask for money was because my grandparents were still subsidizing her. And my father decided he was going through some midlife crisis and . . . well I had no idea what he wanted with me. A connection? Just to know I existed? Someone to write as his emergency contact on his health insurance? Neither of them cared enough to ask what I’d needed and neither of them cared what their behavior had cost me.

  But they hadn’t been my biggest nightmare.

  What tormented me the most through the night was that I had been living my life reactively. Every action a reflex of someone else’s behavior and if I ever wanted the cycle to stop, I had to. Stop that is.

  I had my work cut out for me.

  Waking up in Rusty’s arms reinforced what I already knew. To be part of an us, I had to first be a me. And as much as it hurt to think about it, the only way that was going to happen was on my own.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or doubted he loved me. Every single fiber of my being knew that he was the only man I’d ever love. I knew that walking away might mean I’d lose him forever, that I would risk losing a real shot at happiness but it was what I had to do all the same.

  As much as I loved Rusty, I didn’t love myself.

  I could pretend I was a product of circumstance, like my insecurities were to blame but in the end if I was ever going to give myself completely to him I first needed to be whole.

  It’s what we both deserved.

  And in the end if all I had was me, then I’d find a way to be okay with that.

  I would be okay.

  “Rusty, I need to go.”

  It wasn’t a surprise when I finally said it out loud, I think we both knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. I had never been happier than I had while I was with him. I’d learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of, but there was still more work to be done.

  “Alison, don’t leave. I’ll give you all the space that you want. You have your own room and I will respect your boundaries. Whatever you want—I’ll do. But you can’t ask me to let you go. That’s not something I can do.”

  I saw the pain in his eyes, how confused he was by me wanting to leave. I died a little knowing that I was responsible for it, that this man who had given me more love, support and kindness than any other person I’d known, was hurting because of me.

  “I love you.” My heart ripped in two with those three words.

  “I love you too. Don’t do this.” He wiped away the tears from my eyes that refused to stop falling.

  “Please let me go, Rusty. I promise you, I’ll come back. If you still want me after all of this, I’ll come back.” The words barely audible as I sobbed in his arms. Every second it got harder and harder to leave.

  “I’ll always want you.” He pressed his lips to mine, kissing me between each sentence. “There isn’t enough time or space that will change that. I’m always going to love you. Always.”

  I was supposed to walk out the door. Untwine my body from his, get off the couch, say goodbye and leave. It’s what needed to happen but instead of my feet doing what they were supposed to, my hands and mouth took over.

  I couldn’t stop.

  My fingers explored every inch of him, frantic to remember every single muscle by touch. He was pure oxygen and the more I inhaled the more I desperately wanted. I needed his kiss more than I needed my next breath.

  He didn’t stop either, his hands wrapping around me, bringing me closer as my body gave in. The T-shirt I’d been wearing somehow finding itself off me and onto the floor.

  And because I didn’t think it was fair to be the only one shirtless, I pulled his off too. Its removal earned me a grunt of approval as Rusty turned his attention to my bra. It didn’t stand a chance.

  Our fingers seemed to have minds of their own, clawing each other silently in a desperate need to get naked. Jeans—both his and mine—joined the pile discarded on the floor.

  “Alison.” He moaned as he ripped my panties from my body, their existence obviously offending him. “I love you. I need you.” He breathed against my neck, my naked skin pressing against his as he pushed down his boxer shorts with a free hand. It felt like my skin was on fire.

  It happened so quickly, my mind not registering what we were doing as his hard cock slid into me, my fingers digging into his shoulders as I gripped him. He filled me, the feeling overwhelming as he pushed deeper inside.

  An involuntary gasp left my lips as he slowly dragged himself back out, my body mourning the loss. He didn’t let the feeling last long, pushing back into me in another single, hard stroke. The slight sting of pain got me even wetter as he continued the sweet delicious torture. The same action repeated again and again until I was sure I would lose my mind.

  I couldn’t speak, my hips getting into the game as they met every single thrust of his with one of my own. My mind completely on autopilot as he bucked out of control above me, desperate for release.

  “Rusty,” I screamed as my body continued to rock against his, faster and harder—the need burning me alive from the inside out.

  “I’m here, baby. I’m always going to be here.” His lips covered me. My mouth, my neck—he left no part untouched as he grabbed my ass and held me still. “I’m here.” He pulled out before one final thrust sent me spiraling over the edge, my body shaking as the orgasm took me.

  “Yes, baby. Yes.” He continued to pump, finding his own release; his hot load filling me as we both panted out of control. My body continued to shake as he teased the last wave of pleasure from it, his hands restless as they continued to move over my skin. It was almost too much, another orgasm taking me over the edge before he was finally done. My limbs like jelly as I collapsed on top of him.

  Oh. Crap.

  Having sex with Rusty had not been the plan. What should have happened was me walking out the door and saying goodbye, not ending up naked with Rusty’s semi hard cock inside of me. It was a fail of epic proportions.

  “Don’t regret it,” he whispered, as if reading my mind. “Don’t ever regret a minute you spend with me.”

  “I’m so confused.” My head nestled into the hollow of his neck, my brain trying to play catch up. “I was supposed to walk away.”

  “I’m never going to regret this, or you for that matter.” He gently stroked my hair as I tried not to cry. “Even if you still leave me, I’ll cherish every single time. It will hurt like hell, but there isn’t a chance I would trade it. Any of it.” He said without even a hint of hesitation in his voice.

  “How can you say that? How can you not hate me right now for all this shit I am putting you through?” I hated it, how could he lay there telling me he was going to treasure the memories? I was dragging him through hell and he was going to cherish it? That didn’t even make sense.

  “Because you changed me, don’t you see that? You’ve made me a better me than I could have ever been by myself and I’m thankful for that.”

  I’m not sure I would ever understand how any of the pain I was causing him could be a positive. Maybe it was something that was beyond my comprehension or maybe it just wasn’t for me to get, but I hoped he would hold onto it. Hold on for the both of us.

  ***

  “You can stay here as long as you like. The sofa bed is comfier than it looks.” Renee pu
lled the bag from my hand as I walked through her doorway. “I’ll even cook.” She paused before adding, “Okay we both know that’s a lie but I do great takeout. You’re going to love it here.”

  It hadn’t been easy walking out the door and leaving Rusty. I had almost changed my mind, plagued by the guilt of the breakup sex, but somewhere I found the courage to do what I knew had to be done.

  He watched the entire time, not letting his eyes leave me for a second as I pulled my clothes from the closet and packed a bag. He didn’t beg me to stay but he wouldn’t leave either, staying silent as I left my keys on the coffee table, his eyes on me until I closed his front door.

  I cried the minute I walked onto the street, not stopping until Renee came and got my pathetic butt from the front of my old apartment building. I had nowhere else to go.

  “Thanks, I really appreciate this. I promise I’ll pay you back for everything.” I threw my arms around her, hoping the hug would help me not feel so empty. Sadly, it didn’t.

  “Pleeeeease. Like I would take your money.” She screwed her face up in mock disgust. “Your money is no good here. What you are going to do instead is find your happiness. That’s all the payment I need.”

  She—like Rusty—was entirely too kind but I was too sad to argue so instead I accepted her kindness and hoped like hell I would live up to my side of the deal. Happiness didn’t seem attainable. Not in the near future anyway.

  While Renee didn’t agree with my decision to leave—I was spared the name-calling or eye rolling—she didn’t try and change my mind either. She just welcomed me into her home, which is probably where I should have gone the first time. Oh well, better late than never.

  I meant what I said—I loved Rusty. I really did, but love didn’t conquer all. My life was complicated enough and dragging him down with the sinking ship wouldn’t be fair. If it were truly meant to be then he and I would eventually find our way back to each other. At least, that’s what I hoped; the reality was entirely too depressing.

  Renee gave me a few concerned looks but wisely didn’t ask if I was okay—just like me feeling sorry for myself, it too had exceeded its limit. And with her usual brand of cheer and positivity, gave me a hug goodbye and headed out the door to work.

  Work.

  That was something else I needed to do.

  It had been weeks since I had unceremoniously been let go, it was time I got busy either doing something that I loved or found something to do until I landed that dream job. Hell, at this point I’d do anything for the distraction, I wasn’t too proud to go stack shelves at a store if that was all that I could get.

  Staking shelves though wasn’t in my future apparently with an early-morning phone call breaking through my mental life stock take.

  “Hello,” I answered benignly. The number was not one I recognized so I assumed it was just some telemarketer looking to sell me shit I couldn’t afford and didn’t need.

  “Hello, is this Alison Williams?” The calm voice on the other end of the phone responded. “This is Ashlyn Evans, the business manager for Metamorphous Records.”

  Holy shit.

  I had completely forgotten about my interview today. The one Rusty had helped me get when he floated my name past the powers that be at Power Station headquarters. My heart started beating wildly as I realized I had potentially blown the chance.

  “Ashlyn, yes. It’s me. I am so sorry.” My mind scrambled for a plausible excuse. “I—I . . .” Nope, nothing. “I’m really sorry.” Was what I finally agreed on, knowing that no matter what I said I was going to sound incompetent. Who would hire me for a position when I couldn’t even remember to turn up for an interview? Bridges were burning, and I had no one else to blame but myself.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked sympathetically. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t have followed up on a missed interview, it’s not like there aren’t plenty of people in the city looking for work, but when we spoke last week I thought we sort of clicked. Are you sick? We could reschedule.”

  The chance to explain she was giving me was more than I deserved. Like she said, there were plenty of people who needed a job. I couldn’t lie to her even if I wanted to. My chance at joining the team was probably toast but at the very least I was going down with my personal integrity intact.

  “No, I’m not sick.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s been a crazy twenty-four hours. I met a man claiming to be my father for the first time and that didn’t go so well. Turns out he is also the brother of Max, the bass player for Black Addiction, small world huh? I also completely freaked out, broke up with my boyfriend and moved out. So . . . I guess you don’t really need to interview me anymore. I mean, I know you were doing it as a favor to Rusty and seeing as we aren’t together anymore . . .”

  I really didn’t want to go on. I hadn’t meant to overshare so much but as soon as I started, I couldn’t stop. It’s not like I had anything more to lose so I thought what the hell. “Thanks for the opportunity, Ashlyn. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

  I was ready for the well-thanks-for-the-explanation-we-don’t-hire-crazy-people speech or the polite brush off. I didn’t know Ashlyn well enough to know which one would be coming my way but was almost positive the phone call was ending in rejection. It was okay though, for the first time in a long time I wasn’t completely devastated. Everything happens for a reason, right? Look at me with my positive spin. Maybe I was going to get through this mess after all.

  “Hold up, you met your dad for the first time and you broke up with Rusty?” The disbelief evident in her voice. “Sounds like a pretty epic day if you ask me. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I’m sorry, Alison.”

  “It’s okay, really. I’m pretty maxed out on emotions at the moment so I guess that’s a positive.” My mouth kept talking despite my brain telling it to shut the hell up. “Missing out on a chance to work with you sucks but at least I discovered a new industry I might be good at. I hadn’t even thought of a music label so the new direction is really good. Trust me, that’s progress considering up until recently I had no idea what I even wanted to do.”

  If I’d overshared before, I had no idea what my mouth was spewing now. I was almost certain my verbal spillage would garner no response, not unless you counted hanging up. No sane person would continue with this call, so I waited patiently for the goodbye or dead air.

  Any minute now.

  “So are you available Friday? I have an opening at three.”

  I must be hallucinating because she can’t have said what I thought she just said. Maybe my brain had hit some self-preservation switch? Fooling me into hearing words that hadn’t been spoken and saving me from the mortification. No one in their right mind could have listened to my tales of woe and still be offering me an interview. So one of the two had to be happening. I was either delusional or I had voices in my head. Both options confirming I was unwell.

  “Um . . . you want to interview me?”

  “Your qualifications haven’t changed. I’m willing to overlook the missed interview based on extenuating circumstances.”

  My mind was spinning. Was it out of sympathy or was she just being nice? I had been fully prepared for the rejection. Really. Truly. My peace made at the lost opportunity.

  “But didn’t you hear what I said? Doesn’t that make you think I’m crazy? And now that I’m no longer with Rusty, you don’t have to go through with this.”

  “Firstly, are you trying to talk me out of interviewing you?” She laughed before continuing. “I’ll be the judge of whether or not you are suitable for the job. Secondly, Rusty handed me your resume, no promises were made. I wanted to meet you because you seemed like the right person for the job not because of who you were dating.”

  Floored. Absolutely floored.

  “I can be there Friday at three. I won’t be late.” I stopped trying to fight it and welcomed my second chance. If this lady was crazy enough to give it, I was grabbing onto that lifeline with b
oth hands.

  “Fantastic. I will see you then.” I heard the smile in her voice. “Oh, and Alison.” She paused before going on. “It’s okay that you’re a mess. I don’t know what it’s like to suddenly meet a man claiming to be your father, but break ups are hard. I hope things work out for you and Rusty.”

  “Me too.” I nodded my head even though she couldn’t see it. “Me too.”

  As much as I wanted to beg her to stay, I didn’t. Instead I watched her get a few things, throw them into a bag and leave with what was left of my heart.

  Nothing had hurt more.

  I’d lived my life up until this point completely insulated from heartache, not because of some grand plan, but because I’d never fallen as hard for anyone, as I had for her. Alison was a game changer, and now I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel anything other than rage and hurt consuming me.

  It was probably that train of thought that saw me trash my favorite red Stratocaster, the body exploding as I smashed it against my bedroom floor but even with Big Red’s demise, Alison leaving was still the bigger blow.

  By some miracle I was able to get my shit together enough to get myself to the hospital just in time for Jase to announce an eight-pound-nine-ounce baby boy had made his arrival. While I had completely missed the birth, Angie was so blissed-out on either amazing painkillers or motherhood that she was no longer angry at me. Just as well, not sure I could deal with her disappointment as well as my own shit.

  “He’s perfect.” I looked at the swaddled bundle she was cradling in her arms, the little dude’s eyes scrunched up oblivious to the world.

  “I know,” she answered, her smile not having left her face since I was allowed in to see her. “So we going to talk about the fact you look like shit? I may have just had a baby but I’m not fucking blind.”

  “Angie, give him a break.” Jase shook his head, trying to go to bat for me.

  “Thanks, dude, but you should know better than to argue with her. She isn’t going to let up so we might as well get it out in the open. The two of you missed some fireworks last night and all of it ended with Alison leaving.”