by E. L. Todd
I sipped my coffee and held his gaze, my eyebrow raised. “What?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“But you’re looking at me.”
“I can’t look at you?”
“It’s just strange, is all.” I blew the steam off my coffee and took a drink.
“Long night?”
“No, it was a short night. Time flies when you’re having fun, right?” I winked.
Instead of smiling at my joke, he still seemed tense, as if there was something on his mind, but he refused to share it with me. He leaned forward over the table and rested his arms on the surface.
“Go home with anyone last night?”
“No.”
My brother made absolutely no sense. One minute, he was getting more pussy than any other guy in the world without paying for it. But now he was so celibate, he seemed like a monk. It was strange, to say the least. “Too bad it didn’t work out between Pepper and Tyson. That guy was hot.” I wanted Pepper to end up with a perfect guy, a man who could erase all of my mistakes. They would have beautiful children, and I would be an uncle to those adorable babies.
His eyes narrowed slightly.
My brother was always moody and formidable, but he seemed particularly sour this early in the morning. “Something on your mind?”
“Yes.”
“Alright…” I took a drink of my coffee. “You want to talk about it?” My brother never discussed his feelings, so I doubted he wanted to bare his soul to me over coffee.
He glanced at his coffee before he looked me in the eye again. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
That was never a good sign. “Okay…”
He took another drink of his coffee, licked his lips, and then released a quiet sigh. “I know this will be hard for you to hear, but keep an open mind.”
“I’m liking this less and less…”
He held my gaze for a long time, gathering his thoughts before he finally dropped his news. “I’ve had a thing for Pepper since the moment I met her. I did my best to ignore it and forget about her, but it’s become impossible. I want to ask her out…if you’re cool with it.”
My eyes focused on his face with powerful intensity, and my chest turned rigid because I stopped breathing. He was talking about Pepper, my ex-wife, the woman I had a relationship with for five years. My brother, my flesh and blood, just asked if he could be with her. That crossed so many lines that it was hard to process what he just said. “Cool with it…?” Both of my eyebrows furrowed because the request was ridiculous. “You want to know if I would be cool with you asking out my wife?”
“Ex-wife.”
“Whatever.” I slammed my hand down. “I shouldn’t even have to explain why that’s inappropriate. Friends and family don’t date your ex, let alone your ex-wife. That’s wrong on so many levels, Finn.”
He held my gaze without a hint of remorse. “You left her because you realized you were gay.”
“What does that matter?” I snapped. “What if I’d left her for another woman? Would that make it okay for you to go after her? No, it doesn’t make a difference. You’re acting like my being gay gives you permission when it shouldn’t make a difference at all.”
He pressed his lips tightly together.
“Finn, there are so many women in Seattle, so many gorgeous women, and you can have anyone you want. You seriously pick the one woman who’s off-limits? The one I was married to? The one who is my best friend? That’s so stupid, it hurts my brain.” I threw my arms in the air. “No, I’m not cool with it. I shouldn’t have to be cool with it. She still has my last name.”
He stared at me without blinking, his fingers resting around his mug.
I felt the ferocity in my chest, the betrayal in my blood. “I can’t believe you would even ask me that.”
“You’re seeing someone, and you don’t care if she’s dating.”
“That’s totally different, and you know it.”
“You said you want her to end up with a good guy. I’m a doctor and a veteran—”
“Who said you were a good guy?” Maybe I should calm down before we continued this conversation, but now I was caught up in the heat of the moment. “You’re the biggest player I know. You even told me you never want to get married or have kids. You only want Pepper so you can use her for a few weeks and dump her. No, you aren’t a good guy, Finn.”
His eyes fell slightly, as if he was actually offended by what I said.
“She wants a husband and a family. She wants a man who’s going to stick around. You think I’d let a womanizer like you go anywhere near her?” I asked incredulously. “Fuck no.”
“I’m not a womanizer.”
“Oh?” I mocked. “Then what are you? How many relationships have you been in?”
His eyes narrowed. “Just because I haven’t been in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m a womanizer. I’m up front about my intentions. I don’t pretend I’m going to call and never do. Women know exactly what they are getting from me.”
“Which is?” I challenged.
Finn sighed quietly when he realized he’d backed himself into a corner.
“She’s already been hurt enough. I’m not going to let you fuck her over when she’s still vulnerable.”
“She’s stronger than you give her credit for.”
“She’s the strongest person I know,” I argued. “But she has her limits. I won’t let you be the one who breaks them.”
Finn relaxed against the wooden chair and moved his arms to the armrests. He stared at me as the silence passed, as he considered his next argument.
It didn’t matter what argument he gave, my answer would stay the same. “The answer is no, Finn. I won’t change my mind. And I’m pretty fucking ticked that you would even ask.”
He gripped the wood underneath his fingers until his knuckles turned white. “Pepper has done a lot for you, Colt. She stayed loyal to you even after you told her your marriage was a lie. She’s still friends with you to this day. And she even…” He shut his mouth and released the wood under his grip.
“She what?”
His nostrils flared slightly before he controlled his rage. “There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for you. You’re being an asshole for not doing the same for her.”
“I’m an asshole because I don’t want my brother to fuck my wife?”
“Ex-wife,” he hissed. “Let’s not forget that you were too much of a coward to come clean about who you really were. You wasted five years of her life when you always knew she wasn’t the right one. You hurt her self-esteem and her pride. You don’t get to pull that shit and then say I’m not good enough for her.”
“You aren’t good enough for her.”
He jerked slightly, like that insult wounded him.
I shook my head. “This is unbelievable. I thought I saw something between you, but I kept telling myself my brother would never do that. He’s too honorable.”
“And don’t you think the fact that I’m asking you indicates how I feel about her? That I’m willing to risk my relationship with you to be with her? Do you really think we would be having this conversation if she didn’t mean something to me?”
“You just want her because you can’t have her.”
He looked away, like he was stopping himself from saying something he would regret. “That’s not it, Colt.”
“It is it. Because you can’t have her—end of story.” I pushed back my chair and rose to my feet. “I see the end better than the beginning. You would use her for a few weeks, get her to fall for you like all the other women, and then dump her. You’d crush her. You’d never offer her anything she deserves. I won’t stand by and let that happen. She’s still my family. She’s more of my family than you’ve ever been.”
He clenched his jaw as if he wanted to explode like a volcano. “I didn’t realize you thought so little of me.”
“I didn’t.” I looked down at him, furious. “But I do now.”
I walked away and headed to the front door, prepared to get an Uber and get the hell out of there.
Finn’s footsteps followed me. “Colt.”
“Fuck off.” I got to the front door.
Finn pushed it shut then blocked the way. “Give me a chance to see where it goes. You assume I’m going to hurt her, but I wouldn’t go to all these lengths if I didn’t really feel something for her.”
“Have you changed your thoughts on marriage and kids?”
He was quiet.
“Because if you aren’t open to that, then this is doomed to fail. And if there’s no chance of success, I won’t let you use her heart for target practice. Go fuck someone else, Finn. Pepper is mine. She’s the one person in my life who has preferred me over you. Mom and Dad consider you their favorite because you’re the war hero. Girls in school always said you were the hot one. Well, Pepper and I have something special even if we aren’t in love anymore. I’m not going to let you destroy that.”
“I would never interfere with your friendship, Colton. I don’t care if you love each other. I don’t care if you sleep in her bed with her after a bad day. My relationship with her has nothing to do with yours.”
“But what happens when you dump her?”
“What if she dumps me?” he countered. “You assume I’m the heartbreaker, but she’s smart, gorgeous, and perfect. Maybe she’ll break my heart. Did you ever think of that?”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s not how this is going to go, and we both know it. No matter how it ends, it’ll affect my relationship with her. You two won’t be able to be in the same room together, she won’t be able to come over for the holidays because you’ll be there, and then I won’t be able to be in the same room with both of you at the same time. That affects me, Finn.”
“Then I’ll step back,” he said. “It’s not like you like me very much anyway, right?” He stepped back, his rugged face hard with stoicism. If he was hurt, he hid it under his brooding masculinity.
“I never said that.”
“You said it a lot during this conversation. I’m not good enough for Pepper. I’m not a good guy. I don’t deserve her. I’m just some asshole who’s going to break her heart. That’s what you said, right?”
I didn’t know what to say, how to erase the words I’d spoken.
“So I’ll step back. I’ll spend the holidays alone so you can keep Pepper in your life…since she’s more important to you.” He stepped back and turned away.
“That’s not what I want, Finn. I need both of you in my life—not just one of you.”
He stopped walking, his back still turned to me.
I knew I’d wounded my brother with all the horrible things I’d just said, but I didn’t know how to take them back. I didn’t know if I even should. I meant every word because I was protective of Pepper.
He slowly turned around and faced me again. “Fine. I won’t ask her out.”
I was relieved I finally got him to back off. “Good.”
He kept staring at me like he had more to say. “But if you really love Pepper, you would step aside and let her have whatever she wants, whatever makes her happy. If I asked her out and she said yes, then you should step aside. Maybe I’m the man who could make her happy, but we’ll never know. Love isn’t selfish, Colton. Real love is selfless. And Pepper has been nothing but selfless when it comes to you… You should be the same for her.”
21
Colton
I drank my beer at the bar and swallowed my feelings.
“Wow…Finn wants Pepper.” Zach sat across from me and shook his head.
I still couldn’t believe it either. I looked down at the table as I reflected on our conversation, on the bomb he’d dropped on my head. “I can’t believe he asked me. That would be like you asking me if you could date Pepper.”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t be happy about that.”
“I’m right for being upset, right?” I looked up at him, needing validation.
“Yeah, completely. She’s not just some woman you’ve been with in the past… She’s your ex-wife. I think anyone with a brain could figure out how wrong that is.”
“Could you imagine them dating?” I asked incredulously. “Coming to holidays at my family’s place together? Wouldn’t that be weird?”
He shrugged. “I never thought about it that way…”
“He said I was selfish for saying no.”
“I don’t know… It is weird. You were married to her for years.”
“He said it shouldn’t matter since I’m gay. But I don’t see why that makes a difference. What if I married another woman and had two kids with her? Would that make it okay for him to date my ex-wife? No.”
“Yeah,” he said in agreement. “That would be awkward as hell.”
“It’s no different. I just don’t understand why Finn has to want Pepper when there are so many women in this city.”
“In his defense, Pepper is pretty cool. She’s pretty, funny, smart, successful…the list goes on.” He drank his beer as his eyes turned glossy. “On that account, I can’t blame him. But yeah, it’s his younger brother’s ex-wife…sounds like a Greek tragedy.”
I knew I was right for being upset, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty. “He said he would drop it.”
“Then your problem is solved.”
“But I think I hurt his feelings a bit…”
“And he hurt yours.”
“But I said things about his character. I meant them at the time, but I didn’t realize how harsh they sounded until I saw his face. I feel bad about it…”
“The conversation wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t tried to hook up with Pepper.”
“Yeah…I was just angry.”
“So…are you going to tell Pepper?”
If Finn was asking if he could date her, then I would assume she had no idea. If I told her, it would make things awkward every time they were in a room together. It was probably best to keep it a secret. “No. I don’t think she has any idea.”
“Then you can forget this whole thing happened.”
“Yeah…” I was still pretty shaken up about it, but maybe in time, I would let it go. My feelings were so complicated. I was angry Finn had crossed the line, but I also felt guilty for not giving him what he wanted. I felt like the bad guy, when I had every right to feel the way I did. Finn understood that, right?
Or did he want her so much that he didn’t care?
I came home late that evening and found him sitting on the couch with Soldier. I’d drunk most of the evening with Zach, trying to clear my thoughts and dissipate my anger. I still lived with my brother, so I couldn’t be angry with him forever.
He tore his gaze away from the TV and glanced at me, but he didn’t say anything.
I stood behind the couch and tried to think of something to say. Both of us were upset with each other, and it was a shame because our relationship had grown so much since he’d returned from the military. “Look, I know I said some mean things back there… I do think you’re a good guy. I just don’t think you’re right for Pepper, that’s all.”
He kept looking at the TV.
“I don’t want this to ruin our relationship. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want you to date her in the first place. Look at the damage it’s already caused. This is why you don’t date each other’s exes.”
“The damage resulted because of your reaction to it.” He turned to me. “I calmly asked if it would be okay, but you blew up at me.”
“Because I was shocked you asked in the first place.”
He grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. “I asked because that’s how much I want her, that’s how much she means to me. I feel something with her that I’ve never felt with anyone else. Yes, I have a reputation as a player, but I would never treat Pepper like that. She’s different. I would never get involved with her unless it was different.”
“Are you in love with her?” I asked bluntly. If he was, then that wo
uld be a different story. It would still be wrong, but at least it would be a situation we couldn’t ignore. I would have to step aside and let it happen. Love was strong…love had a future. Anything less than that was too risky.
“How can I answer that if I haven’t had a chance to be with her?” He rested his arms on his knees as he stared at me.
“Then how do you know it’s different?”
“Because I want to be with her, not just sleep with her. I want to take her out jogging with Soldier and me—”
“Pepper doesn’t jog.”
“A walk, then,” he snapped. “I want more than sex. I want a relationship. I don’t know where that relationship will go. Maybe it will die out in a few weeks or months. I have no idea. I can’t promise you I’ll marry her. But I know that this isn’t some hit-it-and-quit-it kind of stunt. I actually respect her.” He gave me another speech to change my mind, to show how serious he was about this.
But I couldn’t change the way I felt. It made me uncomfortable, angry, and I knew it would end badly. It was in my best interest, as well as Pepper’s. Finn would find new tail to chase next week. This would all just be a bad memory. “The answer is no, Finn. Sorry.”
His eyes fell in disappointment before he bowed his head. He didn’t make another argument. He was quiet in his defeat, finally giving up. “If she knew about this, she would be disappointed in you.”
“No, she wouldn’t. Let’s not forget that I know her better than you ever will.”
Pepper and I met for lunch at Mega Shake.
I tried to be strong and order the salad with light dressing, but I caved and got the burger and fries. But I didn’t get the shake, so that was something to be proud of.
Pepper ate whatever she wanted because she could pull it off. She popped the fries into her mouth then looked at me as she drank her root beer. “Something wrong? You’re awfully quiet.”
“It’s just been a long week…”
“Something happen with Tom?” She could read my mood well, so I would have to come up with a story. Otherwise, she would keep pestering me.