Those 365 Letters

by Ford, Mia

  I miss you more each and every day. My heart aches constantly, my mind is racing, my body feels like I’ve been awake for days, and in a sense I have been because I can’t sleep for longer than two or three hours at a time. And half the time I wake up, I end up screaming your name.

  I don’t say any of this to elicit sympathy from you or to make you feel guilty; only to explain to you the shambles that my heart is in since you’ve been out of my life.

  I hope and pray that you are well and that you are happy. Yes, I want you to be happy. I love you dearly and I know I always will. Please contact me. Just to let me know that you are safe. If I know that then I can at least rest with some level of peace at night.

  I love you, my darling.

  Always and forever yours,

  Landon Glatt.

  I folded the letter up, placed it in an envelope, and then drove into town to the post office to mail it. It was a drive I’d gotten to know quite well; in fact, there was some odd measure of comfort in the drive. It was part of a routine by now. And I’ve always found peace in routines. The reassurance of everything in its place… there is just something about it that is important to me and lets me know that all is well and operating as it should be.

  I took one last look at the letter and then placed it in the outgoing mailbox. I took a moment to smell the post office, which always had its own intrinsic scent to it, which I’d done since I was a child and my father would bring me to the post office. The mail was utilized a lot more back then than it is nowadays, and I’d always been a little bit fascinated by it. I loved to think about each letter going to where it needed to go and who was it going to and what did it say?

  I exited the post office and slowly began walking towards my car in the parking lot. I was almost to the car when something caught my eye.

  I barely registered the image before I knew immediately what I was staring at. It was a young woman. I could only see her from behind. But the height and build was right. The hair was right. And even the way she moved was right.

  It had to be Cora…

  I froze. I didn’t know whether to chase after her or respect her space. If she had gone through so much trouble to avoid me, what business did I have of tracking her down? As of right now sending her letters about how much I cared for her was not a crime, even if she did find it harassing (which I wasn’t sure how she could), but actually chasing her down in public when she’d made it eminently clear that I was not to talk to her was bordering on that stalking behavior once again.

  But she was getting away, walking faster and faster down the sidewalk with definite purpose.

  “Screw it,” I said.

  I began jogging out of the parking lot. I turned the corner onto the sidewalk and ran down the sidewalk. I was sure I looked silly running almost full blast—sprinting even—down a fairly busy sidewalk in town, but I didn’t care. I was desperate to talk to Cora. I had to see her. I had to explain to her in person that whatever she thought I did was wrong. I was innocent of this crime. I had to tell her what she meant to me. A letter could only convey so much. She had to hear my voice, see my face, and feel my touch. She had to know.

  “Cora!” I said when I reached her, my hand reaching out to grab her shoulder.

  She turned around quickly.

  I was staring into the face of a stranger.

  “I’m sorry?” The woman asked.

  I wasn’t sure how to respond. I felt like a fool. This was all getting ridiculous.

  “Um… I’m sorry,” I said. “I thought you were someone else.”

  The woman appeared startled, but after a moment a slight smile crept across her face.

  “It’s ok,” she said.

  I wanted to apologize more, but I figured it was best done and over with. I quickly retreated and walked away. When I got back to my car my frustration was on overload. I couldn’t help slamming my fist a few times down on the hood of my car. It hurt a bit, but I was hurting more inside. I was falling apart without Cora. How had this happened? Why couldn’t I just remedy this situation?

  I drove home and sat down at my kitchen table. I poured another whiskey and let some soft music play in the background. After a few minutes I got annoyed at feeling sorry for myself and went downstairs to my home gym I’d constructed. After an hour of hitting the heavy bag, lifting weights, and then finishing with a hard sprint on the treadmill for twenty minutes, I was pretty much done.

  I took a hot shower and then climbed into bed. It was barely past nine, but I was tired and I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. It was best if I just slept this pain off for a bit.

  But as I laid down to sleep, my racing mind kept thinking about Cora and where she was, what she was doing, and why I continued to waste my time with those letters. I imagined by now her parents just threw them away the moment they read the return address on the envelope.

  But then again, it was worth it just to annoy them, wasn’t it?

  I smiled to myself as I drifted off to sleep. Yeah, and I was only getting started with the aggravation.

  Chapter 19

  Cora

  “So, how did you do?” My father asked.

  I looked up from my salad to see his eyes staring intently into mine, even though he had a warm smile across his face. My father was probably the friendliest intimidating person you would ever come across. He had this way about him where he would be asking you something that came across as warm and even loving, but really he was just grilling you to see what you had to say and to make you squirm. It was his way.

  “I did fine,” I said. “It was hard, but I was prepared.”

  “Great to hear it,” he replied.

  My father was asking me about my first Political Science exam. My father’s always had an interest in that sort of thing, which is one of the reasons why his dream has always been for me to be either a doctor like him, or a lawyer who one day goes into politics. It broke his heart that I was dead set on being an architect.

  The exam had actually been fairly brutal. I’d studied the past week as hard as I could for it, often taking up Markus’ offer to study with himself and a few others in their study group. It mostly consisted of two other people and a lot of junk food and stupid jokes, but I actually did end up getting a lot out of the sessions, if nothing else I proved that I knew way more than they did and more than I thought I did. So, the ego boost was always nice.

  Markus and I had been seeing each other a lot lately. I knew he was interested, but so far he hadn’t made a move and he hadn’t even asked me out on a proper date. I was beginning to wonder if he didn’t have that type of interest in me. But either way, I was fine with it. I was after all moving on with my life and I was welcoming whatever might come my way. I was ready. That was my message to the universe.

  “We feel like we haven’t talked to you in months,” mom added. I could see the worry in her eyes. She was legitimately concerned with me being in school so far away and she’d convinced herself that I needed a massive amount of help.

  And I was pretty sure she was let down with how comfortable I was actually doing with things.

  “I know,” I said. “I’ve just been busy. What’s going on in your lives?”

  “Well, you know that Aunt Stephanie just had her gallbladder taken out. It was a tough procedure.”

  “Don’t you wish you were a surgeon dad? So you could operate on family members?” My father hated it when I teased him about being a family practitioner.

  “No. I’m not a surgeon. You need a very specific personality style for that. I don’t have it. And besides, even if I was, surgeons are fairly well forbidden to operate on friends and family. They are too close. A surgeon needs to stay cool and calm under pressure. If you love the person on the table, it can easily cloud your judgment.”

  “Well, how is she doing?” I asked. Aunt Stephanie was dad’s oldest sister. She was about fifteen years older than him, so they’d never been particularly close and she lived in Pittsbu
rgh. I’d only met her a few times in my whole life. I had no idea why my parents ever really talked about her. She was family, but she might as well not have been.

  I picked at my pork chops. I really wasn’t that hungry. I was glad to see my parents, but at the same time they reminded me of home, which reminded me of Landon. Speaking of which, I couldn’t hold the question back any longer.

  “So, have you heard anything about Landon? How is he doing?” I asked.

  My parents looked at each other and then back to their food.

  “Oh, um… we haven’t heard much,” my father said. “Why do you ask? You’re over him, right?”

  “Yes,” I said. “But I’m curious.”

  “No, you shouldn’t be,” mom said quietly. “After what he did, you should never even think of him.”

  “Yeah, but I still wonder exactly what happened. I’d like to talk to him, but at the same time I don’t want to allow him any time into my life. I don’t want to hear his lies anymore.”

  “That’s right,” mom said. “Besides, you are so far away from all that. I’m sure there are some guys here who have their eye on you.”

  I smiled. “Well, there is a guy that might be interested. His name is Markus.”

  “Ah, that sounds interesting. What is he studying?” My father asked.

  “He is a political science major,” I said.

  “There we go. That is fantastic,” my father said. “I already like this kid.”

  I laughed. “Well, I’m not sure he likes me that much. He hasn’t asked me out yet, and we’ve been talking to each other for weeks.”

  “Well, maybe he is old fashioned and likes to take things slow. Remember what happened last time you had a fast moving relationship.”

  I gave my father a dirty look. He was being a jerk, but he was right. Things between Landon and I had moved way too fast.

  “Yes, dad,” I said. “Well, right now, we are just friends.”

  “But would you like it to be more?” My mother asked.

  “I don’t know. Maybe. Right now, I’m just putting school as my top priority.”

  “As well you should,” dad said.

  “Well, that’s nice,” my mother added. After a few moments of silence, she began speaking a bit more earnestly. “Your father and I have some news.”

  “Right now?” My father asked her. “We can’t finish eating first?”

  “No,” mom replied quickly.

  I sat my fork down and took a quick sip of my mineral water. My parents seemed both excited and a bit serious about the news they had to tell me. I felt a bit agitated, but I wasn’t sure where the feeling was coming from. Big announcements coming from my mother were usually more along the lines of being epic, not just important. I had a feeling before she even began to speak of what exactly she was going to tell me.

  My mother took a deep breath. “Your father and I are moving here to the Columbus area.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Shock, awe, fear, and even happiness all coursed through my head in matter of a moment. And then I was surprisingly neutral about the whole thing.

  “Wow, really?” I asked. “How is that happening?”

  I wished I’d phrased the question a bit differently, but my parents didn’t seem to notice how rude that might have come across.

  “Well, your father is taking over Dr. Lawson’s practice here—he is retiring—and we are selling the house and moving. So now we will be able to be much closer to you.”

  I nodded and smiled. I wanted to say something but I was unable to. On the one hand I was actually very happy and relieved to know that my family was going to be so close to me, even though it should have filled me with repulsion and total dread. I was lonely and I felt like I was spiraling a bit. Having my parents close by felt comforting and it was a little sweet that they wanted to be near me so badly they were willing to uproot their lives for a bit.

  “Wow, that is awesome,” I said. And as I said the words I really did start to feel great about the idea.

  I suddenly stood up and wrapped my mother in a huge embrace and then my father as well. I gave my father a peck on the cheek. “I love you both so much!”

  It was an odd, overwhelming wave of emotion that just washed over me. I almost wanted to cry, but I held a grip on myself and kept the tears at bay.

  I sat back down and resumed eating my dinner. My parents both looked overjoyed that I still loved having them around.

  “So, are you going to tell us more about this great, new guy, or what?” My mother pestered.

  I rolled my eyes. “As I said. Right now we are just friends. Not much to really tell. He is a good guy, though. Very smart and seems to have a good head on his shoulders.”

  “Do you know anything about his family? Where he is from?” My father asked.

  He grabbed a roll and began to put butter on it.

  “Not much,” I said. “I haven’t talked to him much about myself either. We mostly just study together and he’s introduced me to some of his friends. Honestly, right now I’ve been so busy working on just getting the grades and proving that I belong here that I haven’t had the time. And I’ll probably have even less time when I really start getting involved in some extracurricular activities.”

  “Well, you don’t want to overdo it, especially during your freshman year. It is your first semester, after all.”

  I nodded to my father. “You’re right, which is why I’ve been thinking I might want to get involved in some things next semester. Right now I’m still testing the waters and trying to fit in.”

  “But is it what you expected?” My father asked. He took a sip of his wine. “You’ve dreamt of this for so long and worked hard to achieve the goal. Tell me, has it all been worth it?”

  I paused a moment as I tried to answer the question honestly. “I’m not sure,” I said. “I mean, I’m so glad to be here, but at the same time I feel like I’ve really just gotten my foot in the door towards my dream. This is the second step of many.”

  “That’s the right way to look at it. Always keep your eyes focused on your goals.”

  “So, with this mystery guy,” My mother chimed in. “Are you going to go out with him?”

  I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Wow, mom. You have a one track mind tonight. I told you, I don’t know. He hasn’t made any of those intentions known to me, if he even has them.”

  “Well, you might have to make the first move. Be bold and ask him out.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy. I’d never asked a guy out before. Not that I was against it or anything; it didn’t make a difference to me, but I was shocked that my mother would have suggested such a thing.

  But as I thought about it I realized she was right. Maybe it was time for me to just take the plunge and officially move on, forget Landon once and for all.

  “You know, I just might do that,” I said.

  I had a feeling that things were about to take a turn in an entirely new direction in my life.

  I finished dinner with my parents. We chatted about things back home, how I’d lost touch with some of my friends since I’d also moved away to school, whether they needed any of my help moving. They were hiring a moving company who would take care of all of it, but I was willing to help them unpack things in the new house when they arrived. I told them I’d be happy to do so.

  As I went home I thought about the things in my life that were changing so fast. How I’d thought things were going one way, but then a huge twist came out of nowhere and now I was living somewhere else, chasing my dream, and now my family was moving here to help support that same dream.

  I realized that for the first time in a few weeks, I was actually feeling pretty good. I was almost happy. And I was sure that in the weeks to come I would hardly be thinking about Landon Glatt at all.

  And that was just fine.

  Chapter 20

  Landon

  One Year Later

  Dearest Cora,

 
This is the last letter I’m going to send you. I can’t believe it’s been an entire year of corresponding with you. I’ve missed you terribly. Not having you in my life has devastated me in so many ways. I’ve found some solace in becoming a workaholic, much to my father’s liking, and to mine too. I don’t enjoy it, but at least I enjoy keeping torturous thoughts of you out of my mind for a while.

  I really thought you would have written me back, at least once. I realized it long ago that you were never going to, but I continued to write these letters. I found something cathartic and therapeutic in the process of purging my feelings onto the paper and then the ritual of placing those letters into the mailbox, never to be seen by my eyes again.

  I have no idea if you’ve received most of these letters, or if you ever saw any of them. For all I can think, your parents have been hiding them from you or simply throwing them away, thinking they are protecting you. Either way, I am sending this one as well to the same P.O Box, just hoping that you will one day respond.

  I would love to track you down. I know that I could, easily. But if you don’t want to talk to me, then I’m not going to force you to. I want our love to be organic and real, as it was before. In the time of your absence my mind and my heart have grown even more confused.

  But, I’ve finally convinced myself that this is now futile. It is really over between us. This is the last letter I will send to you.

  As always, I love you with all of my heart and I always will. I wish you nothing but the best in peace and happiness in your life. I pray you get all of the things you deserve and desire out of life.

  Forever Yours,

  Landon Glatt

  I sighed as I finished reading the letter out loud. It was done. I was sure that this would be the last one. I just wanted to finish it off and move on with whatever bit of my life I could salvage.

  I was not doing well. I knew it. Losing Cora had absolutely devastated me. I was a shell of the man I once was, but no one could really tell. I didn’t think, anyway. Maybe I was just deluding myself. I put on a good face. I worked hard; the company was doing brilliantly. And I was making so many great friends in the upper tier of high society in the Cincinnati area.