Obsessive Surrender
Page 24
His voice was as hard as nails as he grated, “Remember I told you, Andrea, when we entered into this marriage, that our vows were sacred to me? So, even though you wish to leave, I will not offer you that choice. That would not only be against what I want, but against God’s law. You do recall that part about until death do us part, don’t you?”
Andrea stared at him in disbelief, thinking, I can’t believe how dense Ivan is! Why can’t he see how very much I love him?
She felt a flash of temper, at herself for her own weaknesses and at Ivan for his inability to be sensitive to her true feelings, which she believed were obvious.
That moment of frustrated anger sparked her courage, making her snap, “I thought you considered yourself God, Ivan!”
Ivan reigned in his first impulse to shake her. Incensed, instead Ivan grabbed her and pulled her roughly against him, ravaging her mouth and when he released her, he said cruelly, “So far as you’re concerned, Andrea, I am. All the lessons I thought you’d learned you seemed to have forgotten.”
He pushed her back from him as though she disgusted him before snarling, “I’ve decided keeping you isolated is punishing me more than it is you because I need a woman—my wife preferably.
“However, be advised that the feelings I was beginning to have for you are gone, along with the trust.”
He couldn’t have hurt her more if he had slapped her. Andrea wilted against him, sobbing.
Ivan steeled himself not to respond to her tears. He pushed her down on the bed, shed his clothes and mounted her, intending to take her as he would have a paid prostitute with no regard to her feelings or desires, and yet he found himself kissing her into submission, as he had before, urging her responses.
And Andrea did respond because her body was longing for the sensual release it had come to crave since Ivan had so adeptly introduced her to the depth of eroticism.
When her frenzied movements and moans indicated she was in the ultimate throes of climax, Ivan gentled his kisses and together they reached that pinnacle of satisfaction.
Afterward, he held her only briefly before rising to wash up and leave. He returned shortly with a hot meal, a vitamin and a glass of milk.
“Eat it all and take the vitamin.”
When she’d finished, he took the tray and set it on the bedside table.
“I’ve decided you need to leave this room, Andrea, but you are not to leave the house unless it is with me. Understand? Don’t even walk outside to the driveway. Have I made myself clear?”
He didn’t tell her he wanted her to remain in the house because he feared reprisal from Cothane, perhaps in the form of trying to either kidnap or hurt her, now that the odious man knew how much he valued her. And he didn’t doubt that Cothane knew that because he had seen that knowledge in his eyes.
She nodded mutely.
“What did you tell Lydia about me? I know she must be wondering where I’ve been.”
“I told her nothing, nor did she ask. I told you before that my staff doesn’t interfere in my private affairs, Andrea. Now, let’s shower together. You’ll sleep in our bed tonight and from now on.”
Andrea allowed herself to be directed to the bathroom and into the shower. She stood while Ivan soaped her generously and when he handed her the scented bar, she did the same to him. They rinsed and then Ivan leaned to kiss her breasts before pushing her down before his fully aroused organ. He didn’t command she service him but he didn’t have to because Andrea was of the same thought, taking his sex into her mouth, licking and sucking with an avid urgency, not only to please Ivan, but to satisfy her own lustful cravings that had lain dormant too long.
Withholding release, Ivan pulled her up and guided her to the bed. As they lay down together, he claimed her mouth in a possessive kiss. So rigidly hard he ached, he positioned her legs on his shoulders then plunged to her depths.
Slowing down, he stroked, relishing the slick wet feel of her hot pussy until he saw her glazed look and knew she was edging toward orgasm. Then he began delivering the spanking he knew she craved and had missed, and Andrea received the welcomed blows with satisfied moans, immediately bucking, arching into him as her senses reeled with the ultimate co-mingled pain/pleasure.
Ivan allowed his own frantic release then, as well, and their erupting seemed to go on forever, Ivan keeping them locked together with firm hands on her hips. Finally he disentangled Andrea’s legs from him and fell down by her side.
They lapsed into a strained silence.
Ivan wanted to tell her he had missed her. He wanted to tell her that he valued her beyond measure as his wife and life partner and realized his life without her would be empty and incomplete. But he said none of those things.
Andrea’s thought were just as convoluted.
If I can’t have Ivan’s love, at least I can make him desire me.
She wanted to tell him he was her life; her whole world and she loved him with all her heart. But those words remained locked inside her mind.
Ivan rolled off the bed and tended to his toilet ablutions. When he exited the bathroom, Andrea went in and when she returned, lay down and tentatively snuggled into his side.
Ivan recognized her hesitation as fear that he would reject her, and he almost told her how wrong she was, but he didn’t. Instead, he draped an arm around her and pulled her close.
Andrea was the first to sleep, curled as she always did against him, reminding Ivan of a small child with her hands tucked beneath her chin.
Watching her, Ivan felt emotionally torn.
Dammit, love is hard, he decided.
And suddenly he realized that love could also be dangerous for a man in his position.
Cothane had that much right at least. He was looking for my weak link and now he knows that Andrea is it. I’ve fallen hard for my wife! Losing her now would devastate me.
Ivan was suddenly struck by the stark realization he could no longer deny.
Loving her as much as I do could also destroy me.
Chapter 22
Unspoken Truths
Ivan and Andrea settled into a stoic, silent routine, with ravaging sex each night, but nothing resembling loving words being exchanged, both still lost in a maze of misunderstanding and hurt pride.
The beginning of the third month after the Dalton debacle, having experienced no threatening incidences involving Carl Cothane, Ivan finally relaxed, believing Cothane had given up the vendetta and Andrea was safe.
Yet Ivan still insisted she remain inside the house and Andrea did not argue the point, keeping mostly to the library and lanai during the day, working on a new song or reading and sunning, and to their bedroom in the evenings, waiting to satisfy Ivan in whatever way he wished.
Andrea knew Ivan was disappointed in her because she had not become pregnant. But because of the distance that had developed between them emotionally, she was not disappointed she had failed to conceive, yet it was a truth she hid well.
Each day began with fierce lovemaking between them that would have seemed obligatory, except both desired to please the other, even if no words to that affect were ever spoken.
There remained a chasm of unspoken distrust between them, each erroneously believing the other was simply performing out of sexual need and not love.
Now, every time Ivan had to leave the house for business purposes, though he was almost certain Andrea would be safe, he instructed the outside guards to keep a close watch and not allow any stranger on the property, then left Ned to personally safeguard Andrea inside, taking only Sean and Marty with him. And always, he cautioned Ned to call him if Andrea so much as ventured outside. But she never did.
Ivan left the casino each day and returned home around noon. For two reasons. One, to check on Andrea and two, to take her again, slaking the sexual craving she had generated within his senses to the degree that she dominated his every thought no matter where he was. The lustful yearning to have her played like a siren’s song nonstop in his mind.
Lydia, Millie and Ned all felt sorry for Andrea.
Each time any of them saw her she looked more forlorn. Though Ned wasn’t in the main part of the house that often, he knew by the talk overheard between Lydia and Millie that Ivan was treating Andrea with cold disregard since the incident with Roger Dalton and he hated he’d been any part of that.
It was toward the end of her fourth month of house confinement that Andrea realized she had missed her period. Not until she was certain of the result did she decide to ask Ivan to buy a home pregnancy testing kit.
She debated the right way of asking and decided to simply and bluntly put the request in words as they were just finishing dinner.
“Ivan, would you get one of those home pregnancy tests when you're in town, or maybe have your secretary pick one up?”
Ivan dropped his fork.
“You think you might be pregnant?”
“I’ve missed my period.”
Ivan hid his elated emotions well, only saying, “I’ll have Margaret purchase one tomorrow and have her make a doctor’s appointment for you as soon as possible. I shall personally take you, Andrea.”
Ivan wanted to wrap her in his arms, but his stubborn pride still wouldn’t allow him to do that just yet. He searched her face, hoping to see a spark of happiness in her, as well, but he didn’t see that. He suddenly saw how pale and listless she had become.
“Are you feeling all right?”
“I’ve been having a little morning sickness.”
“Why haven’t you told me?”
Andrea bit her lip, thinking, I cannot admit to him that I was praying I wasn’t pregnant. What kind of life would a baby have with his father hating his mother?
Out loud she said dejectedly, “I guess I thought you wouldn’t even care anymore.”
Ivan eyed her coldly. “Not care that you might be carrying my child?”
Seeing his flash of anger, Andrea shrugged. Feeling nothing she could say would in any way sway him or mollify his anger anyway, she simply mumbled, “I’m sorry, Ivan. I don’t seem able to do anything right anymore. Is it all right if I go upstairs now? I’m tired.”
“Of course. I’ll be up in a minute. And Andrea?”
She looked at him, twisting his heart with her forlorn expression.
“I’m hoping you are pregnant. That would be good news.”
She didn’t respond, just turned and walked away. She went into their bedroom and curled up on the bed, fighting back a flood of tears.
* * *
The next night when Andrea exited the bathroom with the results, Ivan asked anxiously, “Well? Is it positive?”
She smiled at him wanly.
“Yes. Guess I’m pregnant.”
Ivan drew in a deep, relieved breath.
Thank God! Now I don’t have to worry about her trying to leave me.
That had been another reason he had demanded she remain inside. The thought of losing her had tied his guts in knots for months.
Andrea saw his smile and asked, “So you’re pleased, Ivan?”
“Yes, of course. Every man wants his seed to flourish. The question is, are you?”
Though she nodded, Ivan read the real answer in her eyes.
“So why the long face?”
“I—I guess I’m a little scared. I don’t know how to be a mother.”
“I think mothering comes naturally to most women,” Ivan said, trying not to think back over his own callous, standoffish mother who had turned him and his little brother over to a nanny’s care immediately after giving birth, as though they were unwanted burdens.
“Ivan, can I—ah—start thinking about which room to turn into a nursery?” Andrea entreated, adding the plea, “And please, please let me go with you or Margaret to pick out the things for it.”
Ivan winced, his conscience pricking him.
“Of course you can go, Andrea. The decorating of the nursery will be entirely up to you. You just say what you want and it will be done. In fact, we’ll go shopping together.”
He suddenly felt like a real bastard for being so cold to her, as he mentally counted back to the time she had spent in seclusion and realized just how long it had been since the incident with Roger Dalton. And not once had Andrea even been outside the house.
“In fact, I think we should make a day of it tomorrow. We’ll have lunch; shop for baby things; do whatever you’d like.”
For the first time since they’d fought, he saw her eyes light up.
“Oh, that would be such fun, Ivan.”
Shamed by his actions toward her, Ivan said, “Admittedly, you haven’t had much fun lately, so that’s what we’ll do to celebrate. Now, shall we make over the room across the hall for our baby? Is that what you’d like?”
“I hate for him to be that far away.”
“Well, we’ll definitely install a monitor so the nanny can hear him if he should cry. We’ll put her in the adjacent room.”
“Nanny? Ivan, I don’t want a nanny. Please don’t hire a nanny! I want to take care for our baby myself, and I want him close.”
Ivan smiled at her. “You do? Then you shall. So, you say him. Are you certain it will be a boy?”
Andrea shrugged. “I just feel that it is.”
“I hope so. I’m glad you want to tend the baby yourself, Andrea. And you know what? A little girl would suit me just as well. How about at first keeping him or her in a bassinet next to our bed? How does that sound? Across the hall does seem like a long way for a little baby to be separated from his mother. I wouldn’t want either of you to be anxious.”
Then an idea struck him and Ivan said enthusiastically, “Tell you what, I will have the indoctrination room outfitted as a nursery. That will definitely be close.”
“That would be so perfect, Ivan. I actually thought of that but….”
When she hesitated, Ivan knew what she was thinking and pulled her close to him as he reassured her.
“Andrea, don’t ever be afraid to tell me what you’re thinking, or what you want. I just want you to be happy. And there’s no need to maintain that room as it is any longer. I can just imagine that pretty little head of yours working overtime, thinking what the construction men will see, but to put your mind at rest, I will personally dispose of certain items before hiring the contractor who fashioned the room initially to renovate it properly. Does that please you, Andrea?”
The smile Andrea gave him was the first genuine smile Ivan had seen on her face in a long time and he savored it.
“More than I can say, Ivan.”
“Now, any cravings you need satisfied? Any strange foods you wish me to send out for? Pickles? Caviar?”
Andrea brightened even more, loving that he was being considerate of her again.
“Not yet. I’ll let you know when one hits me. Oh, Ivan, it’s hard to believe. We’re going to have a baby!”
Her heart leapt as she met her husband’s eyes and saw him smiling at her in the genuine, warm way she had longed to see, a sign that he had at last forgiven her and she had managed to finally make him happy again.
She wanted to rush into his arms, to have him hug her, her thoughts already there.
Ivan, I love you so. I wish you loved me as much.
In lieu of those words, she promised, “I’ll try to be the best mother. I want to make you proud of me again, Ivan.”
She went toward him hesitantly, fearfully, longing for him to hold her, her heart pounding as she feared his rejection. Ivan saw her uncertainty. He read the fear in her eyes as she approached and was sorry he’d caused it.
He reached for her and Andrea leaned into his shoulder with a sigh. For the first time since
the incident, her hormones raging, she couldn’t help the flow of tears. She sobbed against his broad shoulder, her thoughts raging.
I’m carrying Ivan’s baby. Now he won’t throw me out. Maybe soon he’ll trust me again. Maybe even come to love me.
“What are you crying about, my pet?” he asked gently. “You aren’t happy about the baby?”
“Yes. I am so very happy. It’s just—just that you haven’t held me like this in so long and I—I’ve missed it so.”
He stroked her hair.
“Sssh! Don’t upset yourself. There won’t be any more strained distances between us, Andrea. I promise. I’ve been way too harsh with you. In fact, I’ve been a callous bastard and now it’s I who is asking for forgiveness from you.”
He put her back from him to stare into her tear-filled green eyes.
“Do you forgive me?”
She nodded. “Yes, of course.”
“I’ll have Margaret make an appointment with an obstetrician as soon as possible. In the meantime, I want you to take it easy.”
“You sound like a concerned father, Ivan.”
“I intend to be.”
He brushed back a strand of her hair.
“Andrea, I’m not the monster you make me out to be. Granted, I’ve been acting like one lately. But that’s changing as of this moment. I promise to treat the mother of my child with the utmost respect and tenderness.”
With another relieved sigh, Andrea said, “I’ve never thought of you as a monster.”
“Haven’t you? I wouldn’t blame you if you did. The fact is, my pet, I’m just a regular guy like anyone else, a guy who makes mistakes and has a hard time admitting them.
“I guess fighting to make a name for myself in Vegas, and struggling all those years to step out from under the Myerson umbrella, has made me harder than I would like to be. Certainly it has made me more suspicious. But I hope you believe that I want only the best for our child and for us as a family.