Obsessive Surrender

by Bobbi Cole Meyer

“All right. But why are you leaving, Alan? We truly want you to stay with us,” she repeated as she tucked the letter into her pocket.

  “I know, and like I said, I appreciate it. But it’s best that I go. If I stayed, it would eventually cause a lot of problems for Ivan and I don’t want that.”

  “I don’t understand. What kind of problems?”

  “With Cothane. The man is dangerous and he’s not happy about me leaving his casino. I don’t want to be the protagonist in an eventual confrontation between the two of them.”

  “Alan, Ivan can handle Mr. Cothane.”

  “I’m sure he could if the man played fair, but he doesn’t.”

  ‘’Please don’t leave before Ivan gets home so he can say his goodbyes. That would hurt him so much.”

  “Like I said, Andrea, you are the best thing in my brother’s life. You remind me a lot of someone very special I once had in my life,” he said sadly, clearing his throat to contain a sudden flash of emotion.

  “What happened to her, Alan?”

  He stared at her for a minute, debating whether or not to be truthful. He decided and said quietly, “Not a her. A him.”

  “Oh.”

  Andrea accepted that revelation with a smile as she amended the question.

  “What happened to him?”

  “He died.”

  “Alan, I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, it made me realize how quick life can be lost. That was why I wanted to reconnect with Ivan, at least one last time.”

  “But it doesn’t have to be the last time, Alan. And that is why you should stay, because family means everything,” she declared as she sat down on the sofa and indicated he should sit, too.

  Alan sat down gingerly, wincing at the flash of pain. Andrea noticed and asked, “What’s wrong?”

  Alan snorted a laugh. “Too much to even talk about, sister-in-law.”

  “Alan, please reconsider. Pretty soon there’s going to be another Littlefield and we are all going to be family,” she said as she met and held those gray eyes, so like his brothers, so seriously guarded, reminding her of the early Ivan before he finally let his guard down enough to admit he had feelings.

  “Alan, have you had lunch? Why don’t I get Millie to fix you something? I don’t know if she has the fixings for your favorite but tell me what else you like.”

  Alan laughed. “Stalling me, huh? All right. I’ll wait for Ivan, and yes, I could eat something.”

  * * *

  They were seated at the dining room table eating, so engrossed in their conversation they didn’t hear Ivan when he entered.

  “I wish you’d tell me why you feel you can’t stay,” Andrea pleaded.

  “I’ll wait for Ivan and tell you both together.”

  “Tell us what?” Ivan said as he came into the room.

  “There you are, bro. Well, I was just telling Andrea how much I appreciate your offer to live here and work in your casino, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no to both, not because I don’t want to, but because I have to.”

  “Please tell me you haven’t decided to stay on at the Roman Spa after all that has gone down there.”

  “No. I quit there. Guess I’ll take you up on that offer to pay off my marker to Cothane, but promise me you’ll let Ned take it. Don’t go yourself.”

  “Sounds like you plan on leaving Vegas, Alan.”

  “Yes, I am. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

  Ivan searched his brother’s face and saw his anguish.

  “What aren’t you telling me, Alan? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. It’s just that I realized you were right about Carl Cothane being a lowlife skunk. I don’t want the two of you to get into it over me. So promise me you won’t take the money yourself; that you’ll send Ned.”

  “I don’t make promises I’m not sure I can keep.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that. Guess I could argue with you ‘til I turned blue and it wouldn't make a difference, right?”

  “Right. So let’s get back to why you feel you have to leave.”

  “Well, I never intended to stay in Vegas long. I just wanted to look you up and say hello; touch base and see how you were. I’m glad to see you happy and settled down, Ivan. And I’m glad you have found someone special like Andrea to share your life.

  “Please don’t let the fact that I was stupid enough to get in debt to Cothane cause you problems, and it will if you take the money yourself.”

  “That isn’t an answer to why you feel you have to leave.”

  Alan shrugged, trying to adopt a light tone but failing.

  “Just chalk it up to wanderlust. When my inheritance kicks in, I’ll be able to repay you the money you’re going to dish out to Cothane on my behalf. It’s ten grand, by the way, and that’s a lot, even by Littlefield standards, so I appreciate it.”

  Ivan studied him. He noted the bruise on the side of Alan’s face and saw the way he was gritting his teeth in a concentrated effort to try and keep the pain under control.

  “No problem with the money, Alan. Forget it. But tell me, how did you get that bruise? Did Cothane do that?”

  Alan shook his head. “No. You know clumsy me. I tripped and banged my head in the john.”

  Ivan saw the way Alan averted his eyes.

  “So tell me, Alan, why are you really leaving? What did Cothane do?”

  “Nothing,” Alan said quickly, hoping he had effectively masked his expression and trying to sound nonchalant as he said, “I told him I was quitting and nothing he could do would change my mind.”

  “And he just let you walk away without a fight? I find that hard to believe, Alan.”

  “Well, he blustered and threatened until I told him my debt would be repaid.”

  “And that was all?”

  “A lot of cursing. Nothing I—ah—couldn’t handle.”

  Ivan saw the way Alan fidgeted, again looking away with the lie, Ivan remembered he had always done that, even as a kid. Alan could never look someone in the eye when he was lying.

  “Like I said, it made me see how right you were about him. And as for singing in your casino, well, I had to deal with some hecklers my last night at the Spa and that made me realize I needed a break from being an entertainer,” he added with a chuckle.

  “But most of all, I realized when I saw the two of you together; saw how happy you are, that I needed to try and fill that empty void in my own life. I have a lot of friends back home so I think I need to go back and reconnect with them”

  “I see. And where is home, Alan?”

  “East Denver. A great community called North Capital Hill. We were happy there.”

  “We?”

  Alan winced with the pain of remembering and, after clearing his throat and struggling to rein in his emotion, said, “Me and my friend, Gary.”

  Ivan nodded and then turned to Andrea. “Hon, would you leave us alone for a bit?” he asked, leaning to give her a quick kiss.

  “Of course.”

  After she’d left the room, Ivan pulled out a chair and turned it to face Alan’s.

  “Now tell me the truth, Alan. What are you running away from? It has something to do with Cothane, doesn't it? And you didn’t get that bruise by falling in the john.”

  “Let it go, Ivan. For God’s sake, just let it go!”

  “I’m not going to let it go, Alan and if you won’t tell me, I'll go ask Cothane myself.”

  “No! You can’t do that.”

  ”Why not?”

  “Cothane hates you, Ivan. He wants you dead. Don’t give him the opportunity.”

  “He threatened you, right? And obviously he threatened me, but Alan, he’s been doing that ever since I arrived in Vegas. I’m not afraid of Carl Cothane and you shouldn’t be either, as long as you are here, under my protection.”

  “The man is ruthless, Ivan. He—he won’t stop until you’re dead!” Alan stammered, struggling to contain his emotions.

  “What the
hell has you so upset, Alan? What did that sonofabitch do to you?”

  Alan suddenly felt like a damn had burst on his insides and he leaned against Ivan’s shoulder and sobbed.

  Shocked, Ivan patted his back, waiting for him to calm down, not knowing what to do.

  When Alan had composed himself, he sat up straight, his tears falling unchecked as he pleaded, “Ivan—please—just let Ned tend to it. Let Ned tend to Cothane.”

  “Does Ned know something I don’t, Alan?”

  “Don’t blame Ned, Ivan. He’s been a good friend to me. And he thinks the sun rises and sets in your ass, man.”

  “Blame him for what?”

  “For not telling you what went down. I made him promise not to.”

  “Alan, dammit, I mean to get to the bottom of this, so you might as well tell me now.”

  “I don’t want you to be disgusted with me, Ivan. And this is my problem, not yours. You have a good life here, with Andrea and the baby on the way. I don’t want to be the cause of your losing all this, or worse, losing your life.”

  “You're my brother, Alan, so your problems are my problems because I want them to be, and whatever they are, we can figure them out together. If Cothane has threatened you, Andrea or me, I need to know it. The man is only as dangerous as you allow him to be. He’s basically a coward.”

  Alan dropped his head to his hands.

  Cursing, Ivan went to the intercom and summoned Ned.

  “Ned?”

  “Yessir?”

  “Could you join me in the dining room please?”

  When Ned entered the room, he looked from Ivan to Alan, who still sat with a bowed head, fighting his emotions and he exhaled a long breath as Ivan said, “Have a seat, Ned. We need to talk. Something has gone down and obviously you know what it is. Alan said I shouldn't blame you. I want to know why he said that.”

  Ned sat down, with only a cursory glance at Alan who refused to look at him.

  “I think that should come from your brother, Mr. Littlefield.”

  “Ned, we’ve been together a long time. I respect the fact that you’re loyal to your word, and I can appreciate that you have given that to Alan, but now it’s time to reevaluate the situation. Whatever has happened with regard to Cothane, I need to know—and now!”

  “Alan?” Ned spoke the one word as a question.

  Alan lifted his eyes and nodded. “Guess it’s time to come clean, Ned. We both know Ivan won’t let it go until we do. It’s that damned Littlefield stubbornness.”

  And then he looked at Ivan and shrugged. “But you may wish you didn’t know once you hear, Ivan. And you’ll understand why I have to leave. It’s not only because of Cothane but because, well, you won’t want me around once you know the truth about me.”

  “What the hell are you talking about, Alan? There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me not want you around.”

  “I’m HIV positive, Ivan,” Alan blurted out. “My partner Gary died of AIDS last year. I know what it does to a person’s body. I know how devastating it is to watch someone you care about waste away before your eyes. Right now I’m doing all right, but it’s an eventual death sentence, Ivan, and I don’t want you and Andrea to witness that.”

  Ivan hid his shock well as he said, “There are new drugs, Alan. You are on them, aren’t you? It doesn’t have to be a death sentence any longer.”

  “Yeah, that’s what they say, but I shouldn't be around your new baby, Ivan. I might infect you, or Andrea and the baby. I can’t run that risk.”

  “That’s ridiculous, Alan. AIDS isn’t caught by touch or close proximity. Sure, we will have to take certain precautions, but being HIV positive doesn’t mean you have to be exiled, for God’s sake, like you have leprosy! And what the hell has any of this to do with Cothane?”

  Alan glanced at Ned, his eyes beseeching. Ivan noticed and turned to Ned.

  “Okay, so spill it, Ned. What happened?”

  As Ivan listened to the details of that night, he sat gritting his teeth, barely able to contain his building rage.

  Ned recalled the whole scenario as he knew it, beginning with the rape, then Alan calling him and ending with the way he, Sean and Marty conspired to get Albert and Earl out of the picture and the obvious results of that. He ended the soliloquy with, “I’m sorry, boss, for not telling you.”

  “I made him swear he wouldn’t,” Alan interrupted. “So don’t be mad at him, Ivan.”

  “You did the right thing with Albert and Earl,” Ivan said. “That was the best way to handle them. But you should have told me all this, Ned.”

  “Don’t blame him, Ivan,” Alan said. “If you want to blame anyone, throw it on me. I’m the one who’s disrupted your life. Seems that’s all I’m good for. Mother was right. I’m worthless; nothing but trouble.”

  “Don’t talk foolish, Alan. You are not worthless and you never were. And speaking of Mother, I phoned her earlier to tell her you were here and doing well, and to ask her about your inheritance. It seems Grandfather’s will was definite as to the dispensation of your trust fund. You were right about that, only wrong about the age requirement. You can’t touch a penny until your thirtieth birthday. And by the way, that was the same stipulation he made concerning me.

  “Claudia said to tell you if you decide to return to Connecticut and agree to live by her rules, that she, as Executrix, would see you live comfortably until you can access your inheritance. I told her that wasn’t necessary because you are going to live here with us. I then delighted in telling her she was about to become a grandmother. You can imagine how she took that news.”

  Alan snorted a semi-laugh.

  “Yeah, I can. Did you tell her you’re going to tell the kid to call her granny?”

  They both laughed.

  Ned looked from one brother to the other, suddenly realizing that sometimes too much money and privilege could do more harm than good.

  Alan sobered quickly.

  “Ivan, you’ve got to promise me that you won’t go after Cothane. That’s what he’s counting on, you raging over there and giving him the legitimate excuse to shoot you. And he will, Ivan. God, I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you because of me. So promise me you won’t do that!”

  “I can’t let that bastard get away with what he did to you,” Ivan grated.

  “You’ve got a wife and baby on the way, Ivan. Think about them. Whatever you do to Cothane won’t be worth losing them. If he kills you, they lose. And if you kill him, you’ll be arrested and they still lose. It’s a no-win situation. So, like I told Ned, let nature take its course. Cothane will die a slow and painful death eventually, and that will be the best revenge.”

  “One sexual encounter doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll contract the disease, Alan. I’m sure you know that. But if he does, in the meantime, if he isn’t stopped, he'll infect countless others. I know he bangs his showgirls and Lord only knows how many men they bang, so the truth has to be told.”

  It was Ned who broke the moment of strained silence following Ivan’s declaration.

  “I could get the word out that Cothane has been infected and that he probably has AIDS. I know a couple of those girls in his show and I’m sure they’ll spread the news faster than putting it on the TV and then they and everyone else tell will give the bastard a wide berth. You know how fast gossip makes the rounds in Vegas.”

  Ivan didn’t say anything for a minute, and then nodded. “All right, Ned. That’s a start at least. Spread that word. And bring the car around. I want to have a face-to-face with Cothane.”

  “God, Ivan!” Alan sputtered, grabbing his arm. “Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? If you go there, Cothane will kill you! Please, please don’t.”

  “He’s right boss. Cothane is expecting you to do just that. He’ll be armed and waiting.”

  Ivan had never wanted to kill anyone before, but he wanted to kill Cothane with his bare hands. He fought to control his temper, looking first at Alan, then Ne
d.

  “Let the sonofabitch reap what he sowed, Ivan!” Alan beseeched him. “At his age, and with the way he drinks and doesn’t take care of himself, the disease will ravage him in no time.”

  “But he might not have contracted it, Alan.”

  “I’d lay odds he did. And in the meantime, you should concentrate on hitting him where it hurts the most, his pocketbook. Start up that new casino I’ve heard you are putting together, with the mall and circus acts. Suck his business away. Break him financially.”

  “Letting him believe he’s gotten away with raping you, Alan, just ties my guts in knots,” Ivan gritted.

  “But anything you do to harm him will fall back on you, bro, and your family, so please let it go,” Alan begged. “If you promise me that you will, I will stay here, at least until after the baby is born. And we can celebrate our birthdays together, like Andrea said. But if you insist on going there, I’m leaving immediately!”

  Their gray eyes clashed.

  With a sigh, Ivan nodded. “Okay. Have it your way. I’ll squash the bastard financially then sit back and wait for nature’s heavy hand to take him down, but if it doesn’t, I’m not promising I won’t take another route.”

  Turning to Ned, Ivan offered his hand.

  “And thank you, Ned, for taking care of my brother. You’re a true friend.”

  “My pleasure, boss.”

  “Now, Alan, first thing we do is get you hooked up with the best doctors money can find, get you a complete physical, and make sure you’re taking the right meds. Then, when you’re feeling up to it, you can start singing at The Royale Flush until the new casino gets built. Then you can be the headliner there. Word is you’re a hell of a good entertainer and that’s what I need. And by the way, Andrea writes songs and damned good ones, so maybe the two of you can collaborate on some show tunes. Now that’s settled.”

  “You sure like bossing people around, don't you?” Alan said with a grin.

  “That’s what big brothers do,” Ivan declared as he slapped him on the shoulder. “So get used to it, kid. We’re family and this family, by God, will always stick together.”

  Epilogue

  Andrea delivered a healthy seven pounds, five-ounce son, twenty-one inches long, with robust lungs and a shock of black hair. They named him Richard Alan.