Too Much to Lose

by Holt, Samantha

  I want to shield myself from his hungry gaze. I’m so utterly exposed in many ways. But I force myself to remain still and leave myself open to him. This is me. Who I am. And I want to be accepted for it. I’m sick of running from my past. Hunter makes me want to be brave and confront it.

  “Holy fuck,” he mutters.

  I can’t hold back the spluttered laugh. I don’t know what I was expecting but the look in his eyes—a kind of wide-eyed awe as if he’s won the lottery—combined with those words startles me. Warmth suffuses my chest.

  His lips twist into that wry smile of his and something tells me I’m going to pay for that reaction. His hands work over my body once more, starting at my breasts, running down my sides and over my stomach, and across my thighs. He caresses every part of me quite forcefully, his expression grave as if he’s trying to commit me to memory. Hunter avoids touching me where I need it most, working me into a frenzy. I bite my lip to keep from begging. When his fingers eventually skim my folds, it makes me jolt. A buzz of gratification already simmers through my veins. He uses a light touch—one that I can barely feel and I close my eyes to focus on it. He circles slowly and back and forth. I bet he’s enjoying teasing me, putting me on edge. Torturing me.

  Finally, his movements get stronger and I gasp when the first sparks of pleasure kindle deep inside. He strokes me with an expert touch and my body responds eagerly. I swear the man is ridiculously good with his fingers.

  Before long I can’t take any more and I drag open my eyes and try to push his hand away. “I need…” I blow out a breath. “I need you, Hunter. Just you.”

  That smirk is back on his face again. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

  Do I? Well I do now. And I guess, in spite of my independence, it’s what I’ve always wanted. Deep down, I’ve lusted after the heroes in books who laid their life on the line for their woman. With Hunter, I think it’s all or nothing. I think he could be the kind of guy who would do that.

  He tears his T-shirt over his head and I come up to my knees too, my hands shaking at the thought of touching him. It seems to take forever for my hands to come into contact with his flesh. It’s hot, taut, smooth and looks divine. Muscles sculpt his body and a line of dark hair trails down from his torso into his jeans. I lick my lips as it taunts me with what lies beneath. I follow the lines on his stomach with one finger.

  We’re both on our knees and I’m acutely aware of my nudity, but I’m too concerned with his now to care. I need to see the rest of him.

  “Stand up,” I command huskily.

  He grins and stands. Kicking off his boots, he flings away his socks, giving me a chance to admire the undulation of the muscles in his arms and across his back. Then, after he unsnaps his jeans, he inches them down until he’s standing in his boxers. The dusting of dark hair on his legs begs for my touch and I scoot forward, still on my knees to smooth my hands up and down them. My mouth is in line with his stomach and I kiss that tempting trail of hair and the dark letters of his tattoo as his arousal prods my chin.

  “And the rest.”

  His underwear comes off and I bite back a groan. I swear, a man should not be so beautiful. I go to touch him but he grips my wrist and I flick a questioning look up at him.

  “I wouldn’t. Soon, but not now. You have no idea what you do to a man—what you do to me.”

  I nod, dumbstruck yet again by his words. I wish I had such a way with words. How does he know exactly what to say and when to say it?

  He pulls protection out of his discarded jeans and I help him roll it on, then Hunter uses my wrist to press me back and I’m cocooned by the couch cushions once more. We stare at each other for a moment before he kneels between my thighs. A few more touches of his fingers and I’m close to the edge again. He puts his weight over me and takes my mouth with his. I can’t hold anything back now. I need it however he’s going to give it to me. Hard and fast or soft and slow.

  With a tender touch, he lifts my leg around his hip and I do the same with the other. His hardness brushes me and I bite my lip. Hunter gazes down at me, eyes tender. “I’m going to love you, princess. Not fuck you, but love you.”

  “Oh God.”

  Just the way he says it makes me tingle all over. That’s exactly what I need right now. Hunter making love to me. And whatever he does, he won’t go wrong. He reads my body so well.

  One hand propping himself up, the other on my hip, he skims my heat several times, then pushes his way in. The steely heat invading carefully makes me gasp and my vision blurs slightly with tears. Once we’re fully joined, he rests his forehead against mine and we adjust to the feel of one another.

  “Like heaven,” he whispers.

  “Yes,” I whisper back.

  His lips find mine and there’s no holding back. We start off slow, his hips pulsing gently but soon we’re carried away and the couch is creaking with each movement. I cry out as every thrust seems to reach deep inside me.

  I grip his ass and tilt my head back. His mouth finds the crook of my neck and he kisses and nibbles as he pounds into me. Words fall from his lips—my name, princess, other endearments. I absorb them all as the world comes crashing down around me. I throw back a hand to grab onto something—the couch cushion in the end—and I buck against him, unable to do anything but accept the pure pleasure coursing through me. With great spasms, I come, leaving me breathless and weak.

  Hunter doesn’t even stop, doesn’t falter. He brings his mouth to mine to kiss me deeply, acknowledging my climax in a frantic movement. With several more hard thrusts that almost have me shooting to the edge again, he groans and I lift my head to watch. He keeps his gaze on me and his brow furrows. Muscles tense under my fingers.

  “Shit, Jess…” he says harshly, his powerful body shuddering against me.

  Slick with sweat, he relaxes, his weight propped up by one elbow and the cushions at the side of us. Bringing his thumb to my face, he rubs it across my cheek, pushes the loose stands of hair from it. A wide grin cracks across his jaw and I can’t help but grin back.

  “Christ, Hunter, that was…”

  “Amazing,” he finishes for me.

  My cheeks grow hot. “I’ve never… that is… no one’s ever made me feel like that. I’ve never been… loved so well.”

  That word sticks in my throat. I don’t know if I sound like a sap or a lovesick idiot. I don’t know if that was love-making. I don’t know if this is love.

  But just calling it sex doesn’t cut it.

  His grin tilts. “Good. Because there’s plenty more where that came from.” Hunter moves slightly against me and I barely smother a moan. “I ain’t done with you yet.” He draws back and picks up our discarded clothes.

  Pulling on his boxers, he flings his T-shirt at me. I catch it and scowl.

  He flicks a thumb over my bottom lip. “Don’t look like that, Jess. We need to talk first and I don’t think you’ll want to talk naked. As much as I might enjoy it.”

  I sigh and tug on the T-shirt. He’s right. And I don’t need to be feeling any more vulnerable when we drag up my past. His smell envelops me—cologne and musk. Kind of makes me want to burrow into it and forget about everything. Or maybe just burrow against Hunter. I haven’t told him everything yet and I’ve no idea if he’ll freak out but I don’t think he will. Already my shoulders feel lighter. I guess I didn’t realize quite how much my past was weighing me down. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not while running away from someone you never were. I’m still not really sure who I am, but in Hunter’s arms, I’m beginning to learn.

  He sits on the couch and faces me, coaxing me to do the same with a hand to my arm. We sit opposite each other, my legs sprawled in front of me and rubbing against his rough legs. Heat is already burning inside me. You’d think after that mind-blowing orgasm I’d be done, but apparently not. The sight of his firm abs and ruffled hair makes my stomach clench and I fight the need to squeeze my legs together.

 
Hunter studies me for a moment, dropping his head slightly so his blue gaze blazes into me from beneath his brow. At times like this, I’m sure he totally gets it. Gets me. There’s nowhere to hide and, for a change, I’ve got no intention of hiding.

  “How long have you known?” I ask quietly.

  “A while.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Everyone has secrets.”

  “Including you?”

  “Including me.”

  Somehow this doesn’t surprise me. Hunter is the most complex man I’ve ever met. Hard and soft, tough and tender. I don’t really get him the way he gets me, I think, but I’d like to. I want to understand what makes him tick. And I do want to know his secrets. But weirdly, I don’t feel the need to know them all straight away. I don’t mind if it takes him a while to divulge them all because I have this little instinct inside of me that says he will tell me them all eventually. It’ll just be a matter of time. How quickly I’ve come to trust this man is scary. And exciting. I’ve never trusted anyone in my life.

  “Does it bother you that I was a porn star?” I force myself to ask.

  He wraps both hands around each of my legs and leans slightly forward. “Does it bother me that someone took advantage of you? Yes. Does it bother me that you were that desperate you felt you had no other choice? Yes. Does it bother me you have a past? No. I can’t deny I don’t like the thought of any other man touching you but I plan to erase any memory of other men. I didn’t expect to find a twenty-two year old virgin in this day and age but as far as I’m concerned, this is a clean slate for both of us. This is where it starts. You and me. This is day one for both of us.”

  My heart does a flip, joy filling me. I beam at him like an idiot. That’s all I’ve ever wanted—a clean start—and Hunter is offering it to me.

  “So…” I have to ask. “You won’t get mad or jealous if you ever see anything or if any of your friends figure out who I am?”

  “I might get jealous,” he admits. “It wouldn’t be natural if I didn’t, but I won’t blame you and I won’t get mad, Jessie.” He grins suddenly. “How could I get mad at you, princess? You only need to kiss me and I’m yours.”

  “Are you really?” I whisper, wrapping my arms about myself. It’s all so surreal. I can’t quite believe I’ve met someone who accepts my past and still wants me. Someone like Hunter too, who is intelligent and complex and… well, ridiculously sexy.

  “Yeah, I think so. Are you mine?”

  I swallow. For the first time in my life, being owned by someone appeals to me. I want to be his. I want to belong to Hunter O’Reilly. If he’s willing to overlook my past and still say he’s mine, then I owe him that much, don’t I?

  “Yes. I’m yours.”

  His grin expands, looking ever so slightly smug. Leaning forward, he wraps his arms around my waist and drags me forward until I’m sitting on his lap, legs curled around his hips. We connect and hardness presses against my softness. I allow myself a little gasp. “Already?”

  “You have me in this state pretty much all the time. You have no idea how torturous it’s been.”

  I bite my lip and throw my arms over his shoulders. “I don’t know. I think I’ve been suffering just as much.” My breasts press against him and his arousal grows harder in response.

  Hunter strokes a finger along my arm, staring absently at my shoulder. “We still have more to figure out, you and me.”

  “I know.”

  “I need to tell you things. Things you might not like.”

  I smile gently. “I know.” I lift my chin. “I’m not scared.”

  His grin drops, gaze darkening and making the little green part of his right eye more visible. “You should be.”

  “I’m not,” I insist. “What could be worse than being a porn star?”

  Then I rock against him. I know we’ve got stuff to go through. He still needs to know all about my past. Maybe I feel the need to justify my decisions but I don’t want to think about that right now. I just want to feel. For the first time in a long time, I’m really not scared and I need to relish it.

  A reluctant laugh comes from him. “You’re insatiable.”

  “Yep.”

  “Just remember…”

  “Remember what?”

  He brings his gaze fully to mine and his finger stops stroking. “I don’t know to be honest. We’ve got a lot to work through and I don’t want to lose you.”

  “I’m yours now, remember?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Let me put a smile back on your face.”

  He shakes his head and grins. “You’re incorrigible.”

  “Incorrigible and insatiable all in one day. Think I can be inventive and imaginative too?”

  “Oh, Jesus, woman, what have you got planned for me?”

  I climb off his lap and hold out my hand. “Follow me to the bedroom and you’ll find out.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Hunter

  Jess’s lips on my chest and working their way down to my stomach pretty much erase any worry I had. She’s amazing. I’ve just all but told her I’m keeping secrets from her and she accepts it. Accepts me. The world is messed up. She acts like she’s the one who should have to hide but I get it now. Why should a woman be so ashamed of an act of desperation at such a young age? I’ve done far, far worse. God, I hope she forgives me.

  In my moment of desperation, I took on a job that I knew was wrong. I used Jess for money. I’m no better than the guys who used her for her body. I suck in a breath as her fingers work beneath my boxers. I can’t tell her yet. Not if what I believe is true.

  She might be in danger. And I’m wondering if I’m the one who placed her in that position. I can’t afford for her to send me away when she discovers the truth. So for now, I’m going to have to keep quiet until I know she’s safe.

  Jess flicks a look at me and grins as she works my underwear down my legs. Her green eyes sparkle, that chocolate hair falls in streams over her shoulders. It might be a disguise, but there’s no disguising who she really is. Her heavy make-up is all but gone from our love-making and her tears, and I see the innocent girl beneath.

  Damn, look at her. I’m a jerk. I’m not good enough for her. She might think it’s the other way around, but I know the truth. Unfortunately for her, I need her so badly, I can’t bring myself to get out of her life. I want to make her see what I see. She’s not a whore or a damaged woman. She’s a vibrant, strong person.

  That innocent girl is about to put her mouth around—Fuck. Her gaze connects with mine and I lift my hips off the bed, captured by the ways she looks at me as she loves me with her mouth.

  But she is still innocent. There’s something insanely pure about this woman. Which is crazy talk, right? But I’m not sure. You just get this sense of something wonderful and wholesome being buried inside that lush body and come-to-bed eyes. Shit, I have fallen in deep here.

  I can’t think anymore. Can only feel. I close my eyes and let my head sink into the pillows. Rocking my hips, I savour every slide of her tongue and every little suck. I hope I’ve got it right. I pray she’ll stay mine, even when she learns the truth. That girl inside of her is desperate to trust someone. Is she willing to do for me what I want to do for her? To start from the beginning? To forget everything we’ve done wrong and move forward.

  Together.

  “Princess,” I press through gritted teeth. “Princess,” I try again, my hand finding her hair so I can stroke it.

  She lifts her head.

  “You need to stop. I can’t take anymore.”

  She grins and lowers her head to continue but I shake my head and sit up abruptly. As much as she’s fulfilling one of my many, many fantasies about her, I desperately need to touch her some more. If she doesn’t forgive me, I’ve got to make the most of it. That probably makes me the most selfish asshole out there, but I can’t even deny it. I’m weak when it comes to Jess.

  Gripping her arms
, I pull her up until she’s straddling me. I lie back again and take in the sight of her smooth thighs framing me.

  “Take off the T-shirt,” I command a little roughly.

  “As you wish.”

  My T-shirt comes off her quickly and I think I growl. I raise my palms to cup her breasts. They fill my hands so perfectly. Her golden skin is silky. I want to taste every inch of it. My mouth waters in anticipation. I squeeze and mould her breasts while I study her face. I’m learning what makes her tick and, at the moment, it seems I can’t go wrong. I’ve never had sex like it. She’s so damned responsive. Every reaction seems natural and so open. The trust she’s putting in me already is frightening and gratifying.

  I trace the band on her arm, the ink so at odds with the woman in front of me. Yeah, it matches her when she’s in her leather and wearing all that make-up but the one I’ve got here... no, it doesn’t suit her one bit. But that’s okay. We all wear disguises, right? We all put on a face in public. I’m just grateful she’s let me see past the mask.

  “Part of my disguise,” she says quietly.

  “I know.”

  “What about yours?” She follows my suit and traces the words on my stomach.

  I shrug. “Misspent youth perhaps.”

  “Doubt it. You may look bad, Hunter, but you’re not. You’re too focused and driven to be a bad guy.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I know more than you think.”

  “Just like I know you better than you think,” I counter.

  “Show me.”

  The woman must realize I love a challenge. “That I can do.” I roll her over and take the chance to position her just how I want her.

  When I press her arms above her head, her breasts rise and fall in anticipation. A gleam enters her eyes and her luscious lips part. I smooth away the hair that is hiding her gorgeous breasts from me so it’s fanned out on the pillow. Slowly, carefully, I skim my fingers down her ribs and coax apart her thighs. My mouth grows dry.