Animalistic

by Nunn, Alexis

  Oh how we’ve changed. Feliks was no longer the boy in his soccer uniform with short static sharp dark hair, the one who was taller than me, or the kid who could care less if anything bad happened. I wasn’t the passive scamp in clothes three sizes too big with a Rapunzel braid who was terrified of everything that was taller than me (which once was everything). Something changed. The world shifted. Feliks let his hair grow. I screamed and wailed until Mother got fed up and cut mine off. Feliks no longer towered above me, I stood like a mountain over him and as a dog even more so. We were who we were: grown up.

  My fingers nervously traced down the spine of the book, hands starting to shake. I inhaled, choking as my nose stopped up. Grandpa Nikolai was dead. We’d never be down at the pond, happy together. We’d never again come home to a scornful mother who’d berate our grandfather over letting me come home dirtier than a worm. I’d never escape outside while they argued to play The Ground Is Lava with my brother, to never noticing the sad look on his face when he glanced back to the open wire mesh door. I was only seven; he was nine. Already at a young age, he was watching over me better than anyone else.

  It pierced into me like the harsh reality it was. Those memories made me angry, angry that the past dared to leave me behind and take all away with it. My blanket flew off me at once and I flung the book into the wall, the cover crunching back, a few pages folding in, then dropped to the floor. With my anger followed the sudden smothering guilt of damaging something not responsible for anything. I curled up back on my side, rigid in shock. I shook alone, then felt like crying. Truth be told, I was scaring myself, but I all I could do was stare forward in the silence.

  FIFTEEN

  During dinner a week later, it was announced that Robert was turning forty-nine. March 16th was the impending date, surprise to me. After being lost, I was clueless to what date it was. The calendar that dutifully hung above the sink that I never took time to look at said March 9th. Feliks's birthday would be late in May; mine soon following when July swung by.

  Knowing Robert, he'd expect presents. I couldn't even entertain the thought. The only present he'd ever accept is my brother's skull in a box with a shining red ribbon around it. Everyone knows that will never be an option as long as blood flows in my veins. It felt so strange realizing how long my brother and I have been away from Indiana. If someone held a gun to my head and told me to say the date, I would’ve swore it was still December.

  That was odd. Clearly, and by my surprise, December was long ago. It was the month in question that my brother was changed into his half-werebie state. Feliks took the announcement of Robert’s approaching birthday with apathy. Robert was still nobody that he cared for, so the news meant nothing but the fact that Robert would be even more obnoxious.

  I made myself, and Feliks, something to eat the next day. We were given meat from Robert’s freezer to eat. The fact that they were hiding food supply from us was surprising and predictable at the same time. However, they couldn’t have us starving, so he gave in and let us take food back to our house. After we ran out of food earlier, Feliks and I were forced to join the Schockes each evening for dinner.

  It was never pleasant. With each meal served to me, there arose the possibility I would be poisoned and killed. Though there would then be the issue of disposing a body. Who would be that idiotic?

  Later, I walked by the bathroom and caught the glimpse of my brother with paws up on the sink, trying to get up as high as possible, so he could see himself in the mirror. His eyes were wide, barely able to get a full view. His ears flipped back, straining even harder as his back claws tried to dig into the ceramic tile. His back legs shifted as the friction was lost.

  I stopped walking, now staring with a sad look. Feliks started to fall, his front paws curling forward to grip the sink. His chest dropped against the edge causing him to whine. His shoulders shook while he tried to keep from falling. All to get a look at himself.

  There are things we take for granted in the world: knowledge of ourselves; simple vanities; thumbs in general. The things I never thought about needing everyday were the exact things Feliks lost in some way or another. By looking at him I couldn't tell, but alone he was suffering. No person in the world deserves to become an animal against their will.

  Before breaking a bone or worse, he let himself carefully drop to the ground. The claws clicked to the ground, he head bowed, and his tail tucked beside his back leg. The muzzle faced away from me, nose down.

  The fur along his neck started to stand up, "Darylene, I know you are there. I heard you walk by. I smell you by the door."

  I brushed away my dark bangs, stepping into the bathroom and crouched down to be by his side, choosing to be to his left and not in front of him. The angle hurt my ankles no matter which way I tried to fix my position but I stayed still beside the dog. I draped an arm over him but he vehemently shook it away, not desiring my comfort.

  His tail swished at me, the tip of the tail caressing over the top of my shoe then swung back to him as if testing to see how close I was. In the limited space, he dragged out his hind legs towards the tub then sank down to lay on his side. His head rested over crisscrossed legs with his ears swiveling back towards me. In the silence I stared at the wounds I tended to overlook, the darkened, dried gashes that etched into his side. Most were out of sight against the tiles but the edges were up close to his spine, still visible. They were sensitive spots on him, causing him to start to shake from being against the cold.

  Suddenly his shoulders went tense, with a deepened, scratchy voice full of rage he shouted, "I hate this. I hate it!"

  I jumped, hitting my shoulder against the porcelain sink with a yelp. He continued and his fur bristled.

  "I don't belong like this! I am human. I am not a dog," His speech cut, the tone whining into a higher pitch, "You don't understand this... What this is like. You don't understand what it is like to stare down at your hands to see fur and claws. Not hands, paws! Goddamn paws! I can't hold things, I feel like my arms were cut off to stumps and I have to waddle around like a baby. I feel pathetic. It's dysmorphic to know you are human, to have this image of yourself that you've had for your entire life to suddenly have it erased and drawn over with an image of a mauled dog."

  He began to rise, only to descend back down, dramatically setting a paw with expanded claws over the ridge of his muzzle as he sank back to the floor, simultaneously emitting a sorrowful cry. Feliks sucked in air, choke it in, and then start to sniffle. Dogs couldn't cry the way humans did, especially when someone used to crying in a human body was trapped in another, unaware of how it worked. Yet, he did.

  It was rare to catch Feliks cry. I was the crier while he was the soother. Our relation was strange like that. Though I was strong willed and made decisions to run our lives, Feliks was the real supervisor. It was like I was the musher while Feliks was the sled dog (no, the irony is not intentional). I acted as if I was the main control but he was the one that got me anywhere, the real star of the show. Like always, he was rarely acknowledged for it.

  "Darylene... I'm not me anymore. I'm a short guy with long hair and pretty eyes. And, and I have a mustache and sometimes a goatee because it annoys Mother and I wear baggy plaid shirts and wear converse after they've worn out on the sides and... And... I have two hands and ten fingers, I know I do because I played guitar and trumpet with them. I do! But I look down and I don't! It's wrong! It's wrong! I don't wanna live like this, Lene. I'm a monster and I pretend I'm not. You pretend I'm not, but I'm not meant to be like this. I was supposed to go to college, Indiana University, this fall. You should've killed me!"

  I gasped, eyes tearing with each breath he took between sentences, "No! You're my brother! I couldn't ever kill you. Listen, yo-"

  "Don't even try to comfort me!" He growled, the phrases so deep in his throat the words no longer sounded human. The sound wavered between English and barking. Now each word and syllable was separated, loud, and took all his breath as pent up rage c
lawed out of his seams, "I. Hate. This. I. Hate. Be-ing. Like-"

  Then it was just barking. He bayed, swinging his head so sharply it triggered him to go into a fit close to convulsions. As he started snarling, he began to jump up, whipping around and grabbing my shirt. I felt attacked, panicked. Between hyperventilated gasps, I kicked him back and rushed out of the door. His teeth tore the front of my knitted shirt open, not hitting skin, but hit me, instead, deep inside.

  I used my body to keep the door closed, the weight of his slim body crashing against the other side. It was now my turn to cry, maybe not fitting at the time when the pity belonged not to me. The pounding died along with his growls and was replaced with whimpering, realization, and then the quietest mantra of I'm sorry.

  I felt numb, the energy in my body drained from my mind down into the floor. The air felt heavy as if I was being covered by too many blankets. My head was dizzy, my shoulders convulsing until I felt a strange coldness sweep over and my sight went red to black.

  SIXTEEN

  When I started to wake up, it felt like I was emerging from water. My ears were ringing and my body felt weighed down. Once the ringing faded, the drumming beat of my heart took up residency in my head. Then, I could hear a rustle to my side. I opened my eyes to see the loyal Fadiyah on a stool by my bed. My bangs were damp and brushed out of my face.

  She had her back to me. She had her long blue sleeves pushed up under her elbows while she was plucking the little fuzz balls off a cotton sweater. I barely had my eyes open for a minute before she abandoned the sweater and smiled at me, taking a moment only to pull down her sleeves. She set her hand down on my blanket next to me and leaned forward.

  "Lene? You feel okay?” Her question was soft in a motherly smoothness. I felt like I was young again, sick from school with Mother hovering over me often to ask if I wanted soup. It was a comforting aura Fadiyah had. I knew some day, if she chose to be, that she would make a wonderful mother.

  I cleared my throat, laying the back of my hand over my forehead, “I’m just overwhelmed. Tired…”

  “I'd say so,” I was handed a small glass of water to drink. I accepted it and drank it slowly while I sat up and pulled up my legs. Her full eyebrows rose together when she watched me.

  She carefully straightened out her back then reached out and took my hand. My lighter skin looked like grey against her. The way our hands curved together reminded me of a vanilla and caramel candy. The contrast was pleasing and made me happy to look at, whether it was her holding my hand or the memory of candy, I couldn’t tell. I blinked quickly, wondering suddenly if I should draw the hand back or let her hold it.

  My eye teeth clicked quickly and my jaw went askew, bottom teeth over top. My cold hand wrapped back around hers, not sure what we were doing but then she let go.

  “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up. You’ve been out for a good while. It was a bit worrying,” Fadiyah admitted, “When I dragged you away from the door, Feliks came tumbling forward. I had come to the house because I heard his loud barking. He told me about what happened. He didn’t mean to snap like that.”

  Yeah, I’m sure he didn’t. What was I supposed to say to him? Where was he? At the thought of what happened, I felt over the front of my shirt, noticing there was no tear over my bosom like I remembered. The confusion didn’t last long before Fadiyah motioned to it on the floor off to the side of the bed.

  “You were burning up, I took it off of you,” My friend pointed out.

  “Y'took it off me?”

  “You had four layers, you didn’t need it,” She grumbled.

  There was my underwear, tank top, t-shirt, then the button up knit sweater. She was right, I did have about one too many layers, no wonder I felt overly hot. Even though I’m cooled off, I still felt sick and woozy. Perhaps it was from the excitement and emotional train wreck I just went through. I hoped it would soon go away.

  “Well, I guess I should thank you,” I swallowed and rested back into my pillows.

  Fadiyah shrugged, laughed softly, and sighed with a calm smile, “You don’t need to thank me. It’s just being a friend. Friends mean you help each other when they need it, no reward needed,” Her hand brushed back her stray black hair that drooped down across her forehead. After she said that, she paused, looking off to the side as if questioning her comment. She determinedly shook her head then smiled, confident with whatever answer she came up with in her head. I decided not to ask.

  Then I started to think about Feliks again. His absence worried me, “Fadiyah, may I ask where Feliks is? He’d be here.”

  Quiet.

  “Where is he?” I asked again but with a sterner voice. We held a mutual stare for a second before she frowned and diverted her gaze, signaling I may not like the answer.

  She looked over to the door before she told me, “Listen, he was really upset when I found him. His hair, err fur, was sticking up and his eyes were so wide his blue eyes had a ring of white around them. His tail was pulled up between his legs and he crouched close to the ground.”

  “Now, what does that mean?” The worry was unimaginable. I was always scared about him.

  “After he told me what happened, it made him feel so guilty. When he saw that you were unconscious, it sent him through the roof. He started hopping around me while I pulled you off to the side. He nudged your face and nipped at your hair. I heard him whine then go running out of the room and took off out the front door. I haven’t seen him since.”

  I gasped in fear, a cold wave flushing through me and took me out of my skin, “You let him run off? You sat in here and watched me just lay in bed when you could’ve been out looking for him? Do you know where he could be? He could be off in the forest, or worse! What if he’s dead?” Don’t panic, Darylene. My response to the idea was to rock back in forth in an attempt to comfort myself.

  “You need to calm down, Lee! He’s not dead, I’m sure. He’s just running off his steam outside instead of being here. No,” She pushed me back down the moment I swung my legs over to get up, “Lee, don’t!”

  I pushed back and leaped up from the bed. My vision hazed, the colors all drained to shades of grey, and I swayed. My head began to throb and I felt her arms curl around my waist then one arm supported one of my arms and then the other was firm against my back to prevent me from collapsing. I regained my eyesight while a new source of worry arose. When I fell down and blacked out, I must have gotten a concussion unless there is another problem.

  Fadiyah eased me back, shifting my balance off just enough that I’d fall back onto the bed. Between my quickening breaths, I covered my eyes with my palms, fingers up on my brows and forehead.

  “You need to calm down. You aren’t going to help your brother going out like this, in this condition. You are making everything extreme when it doesn’t need to be.”

  I grabbed her arm, making her flinch, and tightened the grip unnecessarily harshly, “It’s my duty to be there for him. I need to find him and I’m not just sitting around!”

  She began to pull away like a fox caught in a bear-trap struggling to be free. Her attention focused on the hand and when I comprehended what I was doing, I let go and gasped. The anger was getting the best of me and I let it, like always.

  “I-I’m sorry, please… I’m just…” The space between us was growing. Her stance changed, she crossed her arms, and she withdrew to the door of the bedroom. I fucked up bad.

  I couldn’t wait though. Feliks still was out somewhere far away from me. My priorities were confused between consoling the damage I inflicted on my dear friend or finding my older brother and ensuring he was okay.

  “Come here, please…” The silence almost let my request die. Her dark eyes flicked between mine with a lack of trust but she ignored the sense of danger and reapproached me.

  SEVENTEEN

  She took a deep breath and stood before me again completely quiet. There was no plan. I had no clue what to say. I was at loss for words suddenly, knowing there
was no real reason for me to call her back to me. We stared at each other until Fadiyah shook her head, back to being a voice of reason.

  “I know Feliks means a lot to you. I understand that you are close, being siblings and all. I’m the same with Lilya. She’s technically my sister, as well as niece, but that doesn’t match our relationship. We are like you and Feliks. Close. We are one. The day Lilya ran off, I felt this unimaginable panic. Everything seemed like the world would end,” Her shoulders rose then fell as she let her line of sight fall to the floor. The concept of Lilya and Fadiyah being like Feliks and me was something I simply overlooked. Yet, I knew, or hoped, Fadiyah was never as desperate as I was to keep Feliks safe. But then again, I never stopped to think of it like that.

  She drew up the side of her lips, still half frowning, “I may not show some emotions like you. I’m younger than you, but in some ways, and I do not mean this in an ignorant way that younger teens tend to project, I am more mature than you. I’m calm in my decisions. I consider the faults in my plans and take great care with my methods. Darylene, you feel your decisions while I think mine. Wherever Feliks is right now, I know you want to find him. I know the feeling of needing to make sure someone you love is safe,” Once she said that, her eyes widened and her body’s stance softened. As she spoke again she looked back up to me, chin far up so she could look at me clearly, “Feliks is the only family you have left, even if us three Schockes are now bonded with you like family, Feliks is real. I have no blood family left. I’m alone - adopted. So I can see how much you need to maintain having him by your side. We aren’t the same, so I can’t understand exactly what you think. But Lee, you can’t go after Feliks! You won’t be rational about it.”