Lindsay's Legacy

by Jones, Janice

  Once she finished her prayer, Lindsay decided to tackle the one issue she could handle right away. She called her children’s pediatrician to see if she had any suggestions for a child psychologist. When she dialed the office, she was unable to speak directly to Dr. Morten, but still managed to get the names and phone numbers of two reputable therapists from the nurse. Lindsay decided to call the office of the doctor nearest her home first. Fortunately, she was blessed to be able to catch the doctor who was available to speak with her.

  After speaking with Dr. Nancy Hooper, an African American Christian psychologist who specializes in post-traumatic stress with children, Lindsay decided to make an initial appointment for consultation. Dr. Hooper suggested that even after Lindsay spoke with the children and they appeared okay to her, a more professional diagnosis was warranted. The consultation appointment was scheduled for two Saturdays from that day, two weeks away.

  Lindsay felt somewhat lighter after completing that task. With part of her burden lifted, she was able and available to hear from the Holy Spirit. She was instructed to call her pastor and schedule an appointment with him to discuss her other dilemma. Lindsay found that God’s favor was indeed upon her because she was able to secure an appointment with Pastor Paul Adams that day just after Shauntae was due to get home from school. Her daughter would be able to keep an eye on Li’l Shaun until either she came back from her meeting or Cody returned home from work.

  Just after hanging up from Pastor Adams’s assistant, the phone rang. The caller ID indicated it was from her brother Kevin.

  “Hey, Kevin. What’s up?”

  “What up, sis? I just called to see how the honeymoon went and how the rug rats were adapting to having you home full time.”

  “The first part of your inquiry is easy to answer. The honeymoon was absolutely perfect. But how could it possibly be anything else when I’m married to a man who is as close to perfect as our human condition will allow.” After saying this, Lindsay again began to feel the pressure of her predicament with Cody. She wasn’t prepared to share her dilemma with Kevin, so she pulled herself together as best she could before she began to cry. No one other than Shyanne and God knew about the abortion.

  “Okay. That’s great news. So what about the second half of my inquiry? How are you and the kids adjusting to being back together? I know it’s only been a few days, but I’d like to know how it’s going.”

  Lindsay informed Kevin about her intentions to get the kids into counseling. “Their first appointment is two Saturdays from now,” she said in conclusion.

  “I think that’s a great plan, sis. It definitely couldn’t hurt anything. Shoot, maybe you and Cody may even want to think about having another one, once you all get the kinks worked out of the two you already have.”

  Lindsay nearly fell from the chair she sat in at her brother’s declaration. Today was surely her day to pay for her sin. Before she broke down on the phone and caused Kevin to worry and become curious, Lindsay hurriedly ended their conversation.

  “Kev, I’ve got to get off the phone. I ... got to ... get prepared to run some errands, and then head out for an appointment with Pastor Adams,” she said, hoping to keep things as close to the truth as possible. No sense adding the guilt of flat-out lying to her already burdened soul.

  “Pastor Adams? What do you need to see him about?”

  Lindsay now regretted being so honest.

  “I’m going to tell him about the kids too. You know I just want to make sure I’m covering all of my bases. Spiritual and psychological.” Now she would have to make sure she mentioned the kid thing to Pastor Adams as well as her real reason for seeing him.

  “Okay. Cool. Just keep me informed, sis. And be sure to let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

  “Okay, I will.” That was all she said before quickly hanging up the phone. She didn’t want to chance saying something else unintentionally.

  Looking at the clock, Lindsay realized she had a couple of hours to kill before she needed to ready herself to leave for her appointment with Pastor Adams. Since her home was already neatly organized thanks to her mother, her grandmother, Kevin, the kids, and the professional movers, she decided to finish unpacking from her honeymoon. She would then go online and look over her options for school for the quickly approaching semester. She and Cody decided she would spend her days going to classes to complete her degree in early education. Classes would start in the middle of January, just a week away. At age thirty-two, Lindsay was going to be a full-time student.

  She headed upstairs to her bedroom to finish unpacking. As she put their things away in the closet, in the dirty laundry to be washed, or in a pile for the dry cleaners, Lindsay reminisced about her perfect honeymoon with her perfectly wonderful husband. Her sunny disposition quickly soured as thoughts of the secret she had kept from him resurfaced. She had no idea how telling him the truth after nearly five years would affect him. Cody seemed so happy that morning at the thought of the two of them having another baby. How would he feel when he found out that not only was that impossible, but she had also aborted the seed they conceived together? What if he couldn’t handle what she had done and decided to leave her? That thought immediately caused tears to spring to her eyes and fall to her cheeks. She could not bear the idea of Cody no longer wanting her. She would go absolutely insane if he asked her for a divorce because of a very stupid and selfish choice she made all those years ago.

  When Lindsay made the decision to have the abortion once she found out she was carrying Cody’s child, she thought she was doing what was best for her and her children. Her primary focus at the time was getting her marriage to Shaun back on track once he got out of prison. Shaun would surely divorce her, or worse, if he knew she was having an affair with his attorney. Since she believed she wanted things to work between her and Shaun, Lindsay was certain she would never have to deal with Cody again. There was no reason for him to know about the pregnancy or the abortion. She knew it would only hurt him.

  “God, please help me. Tell me what to do,” she pleaded as she sank to the bedroom floor.

  After lying on her face praying for an uncalculated amount of time, Lindsay finally found the strength to get up and finish unpacking. She then went on to prepare herself to go to meet with Pastor Adams. On the drive to the church, Lindsay continued to pray that God would speak to her through her pastor. While she knew God would not want her to continue to lie to Cody, she also rationalized that He would not want her marriage to end.

  By the time she arrived at the church, Lindsay was an emotionally confused wreck. She parked the car and went inside the church, hoping she did not have to wait too long to see the pastor. She was not sure how much longer she had before she would completely fall apart. God’s favor was on her side, at least thus far, because she only had to be announced by Pastor Adams’s assistant, and then she was ushered right into his office.

  “Well, hello, Mrs. Vincini. Welcome back from your honeymoon, darling. You know I’m still a little salty that I didn’t get the opportunity to perform your ceremony,” he teased with a big smile.

  “I’m sorry, Pastor Adams. Cody and I wanted to be married in the place where we shared really great memories,” Lindsay said, and just as quickly realized that is when the events that plagued her now first began. It was during their first trip together to Cody’s cottage in Martha’s Vineyard that she became pregnant with his child while still married to Shaun.

  Lindsay began to visibly shake in her stance. Pastor Adams noticed immediately and helped her into one of the cushy chairs seated in front of his desk. Instead of sitting in his chair behind the desk, he sat in the chair next to hers, moving it a little closer so that he could hold both her hands in both of his.

  “Father God. I am beseeching you now, Lord, me, your humble servant, Paul Adams. Lord, I am coming to your throne of grace on behalf of your young child, Lindsay, here. I have yet to find out why she is here, but I know that you in your infinit
e wisdom already know. You know everything about us, Lord. I trust and believe in you wholeheartedly, recognizing, Lord, that you are aware of her desire for our meeting. I’m coming to ask you for your guidance as I talk with her through whatever trouble it is she faces. Help me, Lord, to listen with nonjudgmental ears and to respond in truth, wisdom, and most important, love. These and all blessings I ask in your Son Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  “Amen,” Lindsay repeated.

  “Okay now, child. Tell me why you are here. Before I sat you down and prayed, you looked as if you were going to faint on me.”

  Lindsay took a deep breath and began telling Pastor Adams everything; from the beginning of her affair with Cody all the way up to his suggestion today that they have a child.

  “Now, Pastor Adams, I am faced with having to tell him the truth after nearly five years of selfishly keeping it from him. My marriage could be ruined. I am so afraid.”

  Lindsay was audibly sobbing now, but still holding onto the hope that Pastor Adams would speak a miracle into her situation. She was so desperate to believe that he would be able to tell her there was something she could say to Cody that would make him not leave her, still love her, and totally understand why she had inadvertently deceived him.

  “Well, well, well, young lady. You do have a trial on your hands.” Pastor Adams stood and paced around the small space that made up his office.

  Lindsay remained seated as she watched her pastor take several slow, yet, deliberate, steps. She imagined, no, actually assumed, he was putting himself in Cody’s shoes. She just hoped that whatever conclusion he came to, it left her and her husband still together.

  Pastor Adams soon returned to his seat next to Lindsay and continued their conversation. “Nay-Nay, I must give advice based on the Word of God only. My personal feelings and your personal feelings are not to be taken into consideration.”

  Lindsay felt her heart sinking further and further into her stomach at hearing Pastor Adams’s words. He continued to talk and the small amount of hope for him to perform a miracle evaporated.

  “Sweetheart, I must advise you to tell Cody the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. God hates a lying tongue. I know this is going to be difficult for you. For both of you, but I’m going to need you to trust me on this. More important, I’m going to need you to trust God.”

  Lindsay was crying so hard and loudly now she could hardly hear what Pastor Adams was saying. However, enough of what he said penetrated, and she knew what it was he said she should do.

  “God will be with you through this, Nay. If you walk through this obediently, things will eventually work out. Now, I’m not promising that you and Cody will come through this with your marriage unscathed. I’m simply stating that if you handle this honorably, it will all work out for your good in the end, no matter what that looks like.”

  The last part of his sentence shattered Lindsay’s heart to shreds, reminding her of something she heard her grandmother say. “The Word of God sometimes cuts.”

  The tears in her eyes dried, but the burning in her soul remained white hot. The fear she may lose her husband was very, very palpable.

  Pastor Adams’s next words restored a tiny modicum of hope to her spirit. “Cody Vincini is a good man, Nay. He is a Christian man who has turned his entire life around and given it to God. He has gone through the fire with you and remained steadfast in his love for you. He is also a wise man who loves God. He has to realize he too bears some of the responsibility in this as well. Sure, he has been left in the dark about some very important particulars, but it took the two of you to create this mess as a whole.”

  “That is very logical and spiritual, Pastor Adams. I’m just not sure how practical it is. You didn’t hear his voice or see his face when he mentioned us having a baby together. Now, I, the woman he loves, have to tell him I killed, literally and figuratively, any chance of that ever happening.” Lindsay stood from her seated position and made ready to leave.

  “Nay, listen to me. I want you to tell Cody I want to talk to the two of you after you share your news with him. I honestly believe we can work through this with some good spiritual counseling.”

  Lindsay nodded her head in agreement, but she didn’t speak. Pastor Adams spoke a departing prayer, gave Lindsay a hug that was intended to be comforting, then she left his office and headed home.

  Chapter Four

  Lindsay took the scenic route on her drive home from the church. She took in the still-white snow in some neighborhoods that had fallen last night, lightly blanketing Detroit in its cold beauty. The icicles that hung from the bare trees helped to paint a pretty winter portrait. The church was only a five-mile drive from her home, but Lindsay calculated that she had already been driving for more than thirty minutes. After getting within two blocks of her own street, she decided to take a cruise down Seven Mile going toward the neighborhood her mother still lived in. Shyanne’s parents sold their home about a year after their daughter’s death and purchased a condo in the Farmington Hills suburb. They found staying in their bungalow with all of their only daughter’s memories too hard to do.

  As she traveled west on the avenue, she reminisced as she saw old landmarks. She passed the old arcade, that was now abandoned, where she and Shyanne use to ride the bus to hang at. Their favorite pizza parlor, which was just across the street, was still in business. She smiled as she passed the Coney Island restaurant on the corner a couple of blocks farther west. Lon’s had the greatest Coney dogs and always had them on special on Tuesdays. One Tuesday, Shyanne ate four Coney dogs and was too sick to go to school the following day. Lon’s and the pizza parlor were two of the very few businesses that remained open in her old stomping grounds.

  So many memories of the times she spent with her best friend flooded her brain as she proceeded down Seven Mile. Just about every block from Greenfield to Lahser held some memory of an adventure she and Shyanne shared on the mile. Her thoughts were happy, sad, and melancholy all at once. However, this took her mind off the problems she knew awaited her at home.

  As she got near Pierson Street, the street where her mother still lived, she almost made the right turn out of sheer habit. However, she caught herself, realizing she could not let her mother see her in this state. Sherrie could read her like a book. She would instinctively know that Lindsay had major turmoil going on inside the pages of her life, and she just wasn’t prepared to share that with her now. She wanted the first person she revealed the truth to, to be Cody.

  Lindsay decided it was time to go home and face the music. She pulled into the gas station on the corner and turned her car around, heading back in the direction of her home. When she arrived, she saw Cody’s SUV parked in his space in front of the garage and her heart did a little flip. She was so nervous about facing him. She started to rationalize her situation and began thinking she didn’t have to say anything to him today. She would deal with the children’s situation first, then give herself a few days to recover from that before tackling the other issue. Yes. That made plenty of sense. For the first time since being faced with the problem of telling Cody the truth, she felt just a bit better.

  Lindsay entered the house to find her children in the family room working on their homework and her husband in the kitchen getting ingredients together to begin preparing dinner.

  “Hey, Shauntae. Hello, Li’l Shaun.” She kissed both children on the top of their heads as she spoke their names. “Do you all have a lot of homework?”

  “No,” Li’l Shaun replied.

  Shauntae followed with, “Not really.”

  “Okay. After we have dinner I want the three of us to have a conversation.” Neither child responded or rebutted, so Lindsay took that to mean she was understood. She then made her way into the kitchen.

  “Hey, handsome,” Lindsay said as she approached Cody, giving him a more provocative kiss than the puppy pecks she shared with the kids.

  After breaking the kiss, Cody replied, “Hey, yourself,
beautiful. Where have you been? I was a little surprised when I arrived home and found you were gone.”

  Lindsay’s wayward nervousness quickly returned. How could she possibly explain going to visit Pastor Adams without telling Cody the whole truth? She quickly decided, however, to just tell him what she told Kevin earlier. That she went to visit him to talk about the kids. But as soon as that half truth entered her head, she realized she actually didn’t even mention the kids’ issue with Pastor Adams at all. So, in essence, she had lied to Kevin. She decided to ride on that lie for the time being.

  “I went to the church to talk to Pastor Adams to get his spiritual insight on the issue with the kids and their father’s death. I did make an appointment with a child psychologist today as well, and I plan on speaking with the children after dinner. I just wanted to get our pastor’s thoughts as well.” Lord, forgive me, she silently prayed just after completing her story.

  Cody, unbeknownst to Lindsay, sensed the nervousness in his wife. He stared at her for a brief moment, then dismissed her uneasiness as nervousness about having to talk to the kids later.

  He continued to prepare dinner while Lindsay helped Shauntae and Li’l Shaun with their homework. The food preparation and the homework were both completed simultaneously. The family sat down together and shared a nice meal along with some interesting dinner conversation.

  “How was school today, kids?” Lindsay asked.