This Matter of Marriage

by Debbie Macomber

  “What you said about the two of us. It’d never work. You recognized that before I did.”

  His words felt like a slap in the face. Hallie had no response, and even if she had, she doubted she could have spoken right then. Her heart actually hurt.

  He buried his hands in his pockets. “I wish you well, Hallie McCarthy.”

  “You, too, Steve Marris.” Her voice sounded weak and almost unrecognizable to her own ears.

  He nodded once, then turned and walked away.

  Thirty-Two

  Wide Awake And Dreaming

  September 7

  I can’t believe this summer is almost over.

  I was reading over my goal planner and it struck me that here it is, nine months into the year, and I don’t have even a single prospect for a husband. What’s sad is that I don’t care anymore. I suspect this is my ego making excuses for me.

  Again and again I’m reminded of what happened with Donnalee. Sanford seemed wonderful, perfect for her. I can still hear some of her so-called friends when they learned she’d broken the engagement. But she was right, because now I’d say I’ve never seen her happier (or me more miserable), it was a painful time for Donnalee, but in the end she found the man she can love for the rest of her life. A man who shares her vision of the future. If she’d married Sanford, every time she saw a mother and child, she would’ve longed for a child of her own. In time that desire would almost certainly have destroyed their relationship.

  I feel like I’m doing the same thing with Steve. Saving myself a lot of unnecessary grief. He loves Mary Lynn, and he’s never bothered to claim otherwise. I don’t have a chance competing against his first love.

  Damn, this is so hard, especially right now when we see each other practically every day.

  The most embarrassing thing happened yesterday afternoon. I was standing in line at the bank—not one of my favorite pastimes—and out of the blue, for no reason I can determine, tears appeared in my eyes and I just couldn’t make them go away. I was mortified. I thought at first it might have something to do with missing my dad, but I don’t think so. I do miss him—not a day passes when he doesn’t come to mind for one reason or another—but I believe I’ve adjusted to his death. So has Mom. My gut feeling is these tears have more to do with Steve. It isn’t easy to stop loving someone—which gives me a bit of insight into his continued involvement with his first wife.

  It’ll be better once I’ve moved. I was so surprised and grateful when my condo sold. Gabby had told me it could take as long as six months. I was in shock when I received a respectable offer the first week it was listed. I’m anxious to leave. Anxious to get on with my life. The deal should close in another week, now that the new owner’s financing is approved.

  I guess I can last another week living next door to Steve. What worries me more is standing next to him at Donnalee’s wedding in October. I’m her maid of honor and Steve is best man. I just pray I don’t repeat the scene from the bank.

  A trickle of sweat rolled down Donnalee’s bared abdomen as she sat in the rocking chair in front of Todd’s summer home. A-frame cabins didn’t traditionally have large front porches, but he’d added one several years before, building it himself. Donnalee loved sitting there in the afternoon shade, looking out over the water. Often she relaxed with a good book while Todd fished or worked about the property.

  She wore shorts, and hoping it would cool her off, she’d unfastened her blouse and tied the loose ends together. Closing her eyes, she draped one leg over the side arm of the rocker, dangling her bare foot.

  No one from the office would recognize her. Not without an expensive business suit and makeup. Not with her midriff exposed and her hair in pigtails.

  Donnalee was happy, happier than she’d been since she was a child. Happy because she was deeply in love.

  Hard as it was to believe, their wedding was less than a month away. Todd had wanted her to move in with him, and in reality, she might as well be living at his place now, but she continued to hang on to her own apartment. Every weekend they spent here, at the lake.

  As a lazy afternoon breeze blew off the water, she continued to rock slowly back and forth. She dreamed of the future, the years to come, the family they would have.

  Donnalee was immeasurably grateful to Hallie. It was because of her friend that she’d found Todd. But thinking about Hallie made her frown. Donnalee was worried about her. Worried about Steve, too. What a pair they were, both headstrong and stubborn.

  She heard the porch creak and opened her eyes to find Todd approaching. She smiled and held her hand out to him. How good he looked, so tanned and handsome, so strong in mind and body. Often just seeing him produced a physical ache in her. One that was even deeper than sexual need—although they’d done their share of expressing that, too. The ache she experienced went beyond physical longing. It was a heartfelt sense of joy.

  Todd clasped her hand in his and raised it to his lips. “You frowned just now. Are you worried about something?” He claimed the rocker next to hers, still holding her hand.

  “I was thinking about Hallie.”

  Todd didn’t respond right away. “I’d like to shake those two.”

  “So would I,” Donnalee said. Although she didn’t say so, her sympathies were with Hallie, but she’d heard both sides—and she knew her friend well enough to recognize that Hallie was equally at fault.

  “Steve’s been in a foul mood for weeks,” Todd grumbled. “I had the audacity to suggest he patch things up with Hallie and he damn near bit my head off. That’s not like Steve.” Todd paused. “He apologized later, and we went out for a beer. The sad part is, he loves Hallie. He told me so himself.”

  This was news to Donnalee. “If he loves her, then why’s he letting her move? I don’t know that Hallie would admit it, but I think she was waiting for him to ask her not to go.”

  “He wouldn’t.”

  “Why not?” Donnalee wanted to understand why two people who so obviously loved each other would allow this to happen.

  “Well, Mary Lynn manipulated him for years. He’s had enough of it. Steve refuses to play those games anymore.”

  “But Hallie’s not like that! And no one knows it better than Steve.”

  “Another reason—he doesn’t want a woman who’ll walk out on him at the first sign of a disagreement. If Hallie loves him as much as you think, she should’ve been willing to work out whatever was wrong.”

  “That’s not how Hallie sees it. She believes Steve will always put Mary Lynn’s needs above hers. She decided long ago that if she got married she wanted a man who’s as committed to the relationship as she is. Hallie couldn’t see Steve committing himself to her alone. I don’t blame her, after the way he’s behaved.”

  “Just because he went to help Mary Lynn doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Hallie.”

  “You know, I don’t think Steve was keen on marrying Hallie.”

  Now it was Todd’s turn to frown. “Did she tell you that?”

  “Yes… sort of.” She sighed. “And now Hallie hasn’t mentioned Steve in some time. I hate to pry, but I can see she’s miserable. She’s deluded herself into thinking this move will be a solution.”

  “Everything else aside, isn’t that running away from him, instead of settling all this?” Todd asked.

  “No.” The force of Donnalee’s feelings drove her out of the rocking chair and to the porch steps, where she sank down, arms resting on her knees. “She doesn’t know what else to do. She’s in love with Steve, but she’s afraid.”

  “Afraid of what?”

  “Steve’s feelings for Mary Lynn, and her own for him. She’s afraid she’s always going to play second fiddle. You have to admit Steve’s given her plenty of reason to assume so.”

  “Mary Lynn’s remarried.”

  “Does that change Steve’s feelings for her?”

  “I don’t know,” Todd said reluctantly. “I’d like to think so, but who’s to say?”

 
; “Steve?” Donnalee suggested.

  “All I can tell you is that he’s grieving for Hallie as much as he ever grieved over the end of his marriage.”

  Donnalee felt an overpowering sadness for Hallie and Steve. “We can’t ever let this happen to us,” she said, emotion thickening her voice.

  “We won’t,” Todd promised. He moved from the rocker to sit next to her on the step and placed his arm around her shoulders.

  “They won’t be able to avoid each other at the wedding.” She twisted about and leaned against him, absorbing his strength.

  “I’d like to think we might be responsible for getting them back together,” he murmured into her hair.

  “It would be fitting, since it’s because of them that we’re together.”

  Todd’s hand reached inside the opening of her blouse. His fingertips slid close to her breast.

  “Todd,” she whispered in warning, “you’re flirting with temptation.”

  “Oh, I’m more than flirting with it, Donnalee.”

  She smiled at him. They slept together every night and joked that they’d be all worn out before the honeymoon. “Will it always be this good with us?” she asked in a whisper.

  Todd smiled, as if giving serious consideration to her question. “I certainly hope so. Sometimes after we’ve made love, I have to stop and pinch myself to believe I’ve found you.”

  She shut her eyes and bit her lip when his hand closed firmly around her bare breast. Her body quickly responded; every part of her seemed to release a collective sigh. Taking advantage of her weakness for him, Todd quickly eased his hand between her thighs.

  “I went a hell of a long time without a woman in my life and never gave it a thought. But I don’t know that I can last ten minutes longer without making love to you.” His voice was rough with need.

  She moaned stiffly and rolled her head back. “I haven’t made the bed yet.”

  “Good, then we won’t need to worry about messing it up.”

  “Don’t you think we should use a bit more restraint?” she asked halfheartedly.

  “No.” He unfastened the zipper on his jeans. “You’re driving me crazy,” he said huskily in her ear. He had her blouse completely open now and was molding her breasts with his hands. His kisses left her breathless, his tongue probing her lips and seeking entry.

  Donnalee was grateful the property was secluded, seeing that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. She suspected that in time this powerful need of theirs would wane, but it hadn’t happened yet and showed no signs of doing so anytime soon.

  Todd urged her toward the cabin.

  Looping her arms around his neck, Donnalee whispered in his ear. “It’s such a beautiful sunny afternoon. Are you sure you want to go inside?”

  “I’m sure.” Without giving her time to argue, he hoisted her over his shoulder and advanced into the cabin.

  Donnalee couldn’t help laughing, the happiness spilling out of her. “Put me down this instant.”

  “I have every intention of doing so.” He carried her directly into the bedroom and set her on the mattress.

  Donnalee smiled up at Todd and was humbled by the love she saw in him. She could search the rest of her life and never find a man she would love more. Slowly she raised her arms to him in open invitation.

  “Oh, Todd. I love you so much.” Her words were closer to a sigh.

  Todd groaned and joined her on the bed, kissing her with a passion that left her head spinning and her thoughts incoherent.

  Their lovemaking was wild, wanton and wonderful. Exhausted, they napped afterward. Donnalee awoke to find Todd gently cradling her in his arms.

  He kissed the side of her neck. “You’re thoughtful again.”

  “I wish we could do something for Hallie and Steve,” she whispered. “I’m tossing her my bridal bouquet,” she went on.

  “You think that’ll help, do you?”

  She could hear the smile in Todd’s voice. “It certainly won’t hurt.”

  “Is she dating again?” he asked unexpectedly.

  “No. What about Steve?”

  Todd’s shoulders shook with amusement. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No. He dates, doesn’t he?”

  “No. Hallie was the exception.”

  “She often is the exception,” Donnalee murmured, wishing with all her heart that her best friend would experience the kind of happiness she’d found with Todd.

  Thirty-Three

  The Wedding

  Panting and cursing, Hallie dragged the last box out of the bedroom and into the living room. She’d forgotten how much she hated moving, and this time was the most difficult yet. Physically and emotionally exhausted, she slumped onto the sofa. All she had to do now was wait for the movers.

  All she had to do now was say goodbye.

  It was the task she dreaded most. She knew she was going to miss Steve; she missed him already. She’d taken their friendship for granted and during the past few weeks without him—teasing her, helping her, laughing with her—the world had become a bleak, lonely place.

  In an effort to ease the ache in her heart, she’d often stood at her kitchen window and gazed longingly toward his condo. Did he think of her as often as she thought of him? Did he stare out at her place, too? Did he wonder if he’d ever stop feeling so lost and lonely, the way she did?

  Moving was supposed to be the answer, the only one she could come up with.

  Out of sight, out of mind.

  Would it be true?

  Unable to stop herself, she glanced through the window at Steve’s place. One last time. Just her luck to fall in love with a man who had bowling shoes for brains! She wasn’t sure if that thought made her want to laugh or cry—or both.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of color; the moving van had arrived. She opened her front door and secured the screen in the open position. The only thing left to do was step aside and let the brawny young men get to work.

  Hallie did that, hurrying outside and out of their way. She shuffled aimlessly through the bright leaves that carpeted the lawn. She’d been there for barely a minute when Kenny appeared. He took one look at the movers and charged full speed toward Hallie, arms wide open.

  She caught the boy in a hug. Kenny wrapped his thin arms around her neck and held on tight. “Do you have to move, Hallie?” he pleaded.

  “Yes,” she said, hoping he couldn’t hear the tears in her voice. “I’ve got an apartment now.” With her condo selling so quickly, she hadn’t bought a new place yet. Nothing suited her. She found fault with every home she viewed, exasperating even someone as tolerant as Gabby, her real-estate agent and friend. Time had run out, and Hallie was forced to rent a place, for the next few months, at least, until she came across something she was interested in buying.

  “Hallie?” Meagan raced across the yard and threw her arms around Hallie, too. “You’re moving already?”

  “Looks that way.” No one was amused by her feeble joke, least of all herself.

  “I don’t want you to go,” Kenny said, squeezing her neck harder.

  Hallie hugged the boy, fighting back the emotion, wanting this to be over quickly because she wasn’t sure she could bear much more. After a few moments she loosened Kenny’s arms from around her neck. Straightening, she put an arm around his shoulder and held him close to her side. Meagan didn’t seem to want to let go of her, either.

  “We’ll never see you again, will we?” Meagan’s question was softly spoken.

  “Of course you will!”

  “When?” the girl demanded, challenging Hallie to give her a time and a place. “Where?”

  “Whenever you want. Wherever you want. Just say the word and I’ll find a way to be there.” Hallie meant that. No matter how painful it was, she wouldn’t abandon Meagan and Kenny. “Here,” she said, handing them each a folded piece of paper. “This is my new address and phone number. I’ll be on Federal Way—it’s not too far. You can cal
l me anytime, and visit, too.”

  Meagan read the information, but it didn’t appear to satisfy her. “It won’t be the same.”

  Hallie couldn’t argue with that. “No, it won’t be the same.”

  In what seemed like only minutes, the movers had everything she owned loaded in their truck. She checked the condo one last time to be sure they hadn’t missed anything, Meagan and Kenny trailing along behind her. When she’d finished, Hallie discovered Steve standing outside.

  They stared at each other, she on the top step and he on the grass.

  “Meagan and Kenny are with me,” she said, thinking he’d come looking for his children.

  “I know. I thought I’d come and tell you goodbye myself.”

  “Oh.” She couldn’t think of a single sensible comment. As it was, she had to restrain herself from running into his arms. She ached for him, for his comfort. Her throat hurt from the effort it cost to hold back her tears. Her whole body shook with suppressed longing.

  This was hell, she decided. Saying goodbye to Steve and his children, walking away, not knowing if she’d see him again after Donnalee and Todd’s wedding. Hoping, wishing, praying things could be different—and knowing they couldn’t.

  “We’re ready now, miss,” one of the movers shouted from the cab of the truck.

  Hallie briefly turned her attention from Steve. “I’ll be right there.”

  “Don’t worry, lady,” the second man shouted back. “We’re getting paid by the hour. Take as long as you need.” The two men laughed.

  Steve’s hands were buried deep in his pants pockets. “You’d better go.”

  She nodded. Kenny and Meagan crowded around her.

  “Hallie says we can come visit her new place anytime. Can we Dad?”

  His gaze continued to hold hers. “If it’s okay with Hallie.”

  “I’d like that, Steve. I’m going to miss… all of you.” Her original intention had been to say only the children’s names, but that would have been a lie. She’d miss him more. She’d mourn him, yearn for him, cry over him.