The Trouble with Rock Stars: Jackson's Story (Access All Areas, #3)

by Starr, Candy J

  I’d been a damn fool. Fred might’ve been the one to start things but no one had condemned me to live out my days as a miserable bastard – except me. There was no need to let him keep damaging me.

  “Gina’s upstairs,” said Drew, appearing beside me.

  “Your point?”

  “Oh, I just thought you’d want to know, in case you decided to do something smart, like crawl over broken glass to beg her forgiveness or something. Jackson, you are a fool.”

  “And you are getting way too mouthy. Gina knows where I am if she wants to see me.”

  “She knows where you are but she doesn’t know you want to see her. She thinks you’ve thrown her aside. You are far too wasteful with the things life gives you, Jackson.”

  I wanted to give the little shit a backhander for that. Mainly because he’d hit the nail on the head far too well. That’s definitely what I was, wasteful.

  When Drew went back upstairs, I thought about it. It might take more courage than I possessed to even get Gina to look at me. I had nothing to offer, not even hope. What Drew had wrong was that this wasn’t just a case of going upstairs and saying, “Hey Gina, how’s things?”

  If I went to her, I’d have to do with my heart in my hands. No holding back. No screwing around. I had to bury the ghosts of my past so they didn’t haunt our future together.

  There was this thing Gina did when she watched a band. No one in the world probably even noticed it but me. Her eyes widened and had a special shine in them. I kept thinking about that. How, in about ten minutes’ time, when Alex came onstage, she’d get that look. She’d have that shine. She’d be upstairs, shining, and I’d be sitting down there at that bar not seeing it.

  I held up my whiskey glass. “You are not my friend,” I told it. “I thought you were but you’re just a prop to my pathetic life.”

  “Hey, Jackson, have you finally lost it completely?” Carlie screwed up her face, as though assessing my sanity.

  “No, Carlie, I think I’m actually starting to work it out. I need to get my shit together. Do you think Gina will ever forgive me?”

  “Well, if I forgave Holden, there’s hope for anyone. What you have to understand about Gina is that she’s scared to fight. She’s had the fight knocked out of her by someone. So, her instinct is to run away. She’s gonna run from you when she should just punch you in the face and be done with it. In the meantime, I’m stuck down here working while everyone else is upstairs watching Alex work it in his tight leather pants. Damn staff, refusing to change shifts with me.”

  “What does Holden think of you checking out Alex in his tight leather pants?”

  “That bastard is coming in to catch Zero’s set after he’s finished recording.” Carlie sighed. “He’s not even keeping me company down here. So, he’s the one checking Alex out. I should be worried.”

  “It’s a tough life,” I told her.

  “Yeah, and you’re the only customer down here apart from those love birds in the corner. They aren’t even buying drinks.”

  I put down my glass. “You’re in for a boring night, Carlie. I’m out of here.”

  “Yeah, you just wanna check out Alex’s package too,” she called after me.

  Gina would never forgive me and she’d never take me back. I couldn’t ask that of her. But I needed to be upstairs. I wouldn’t bother her, I’d just stand at a distance and watch her shine.

  Chapter 34 Jackson

  “WHERE’S GINA?” I ASKED Sally.

  I’d done a lap around the room and not seen her. Hell, if a man is going to watch a woman from a distance, he needs to find her first.

  Alex hadn’t started playing yet. I figured I had about five minutes before he hit the stage and everyone in the room would be cramming to the front. If I didn’t find her before then, I might lose my courage. I couldn’t see Drew around either so I assumed the two of them were together somewhere.

  “Toilet. Actually, she’s been gone for ages. I hope she’s okay,” said Sally.

  “I’ll go check on her.”

  I hadn’t actually thought through the logistics of her being in the women’s toilet but that was just a small obstacle.

  As I approached the bathrooms, I heard a bit of a commotion. Did chicks get that rough in the bathroom?

  Someone squealed. It was only faint, barely loud enough to be heard over the noise outside but it sure as hell sounded like Gina.

  I raced in. I didn’t even think, but she sounded like she was in trouble and I needed to find out what.

  Some shit had her up against the wall. This club had some fucking dickheads in it sometimes, this was the second time it’d happened, that I knew about. My heart raced. I’d kill him. I’d fuck him right up.

  “You keep your fucking hands off her, okay?” I yelled.

  I grabbed him with my right hand and he swung around.

  “Jackson, no,” Gina yelled. “Your hand!”

  The dickhead got out from my hold. He pushed her back against the wall.

  “Leave us alone, the bitch likes it.”

  I wanted to smash his face into a pulp, leave him a shredded, bloody mess but I paused. Fear distorted Gina’s pale face. I had to protect her but, if I smashed him, she’d never forgive me. I knew that without her saying a word. He had Gina pinned to the wall and she looked like she was going to implode.

  “I’m okay,” she said. “But your hand.”

  “Your hand, your hand,” the dick repeated. “What’s so special about your hand? Is it the one you use to finger her with? I’ll let you have a go of her when I’m done.”

  I went to swing at him. He’d pay for that. If I hit him, Gina would hate me for it. She’d never believe I could change. But, if I didn’t, I couldn’t protect her. The thoughts swam in my head, buzzing as though I’d short-wire.

  Our gazes connected, her telling me not to do it while every instinct in me cried out to hit him. Time stopped as I weighed up the options. I’d happily sacrifice anything, playing guitar again even, to get her safe at this moment. She was my immediate concern.

  If there was something I could use for a weapon, I’d take him down. I turned away from them for a half-second.

  Then he crumpled to the floor. His screams filled the room.

  “You bitch, you fucking bitch. What do you think you’re doing?” The words panted out through gasps of pain.

  He writhed around, his face distorted, as he clutched at his crotch.

  Gina? She’d kicked him in the nuts?

  With her makeup smeared and mascara running in lines down her face, the poor girl trembled. I pulled her to me and put my arm around her.

  “I did it,” she whispered.

  Before I could do anymore, a security guard came in and grabbed the guy. Fuck knows where he was when all this was happening.

  “Treating a woman like that, that makes you the biggest arsehole around.” I spat the words out as the bouncer grabbed him up under the arms, lifting him off the floor and dragging him out.

  I took Gina down the back stairs to Violet’s office. Well, Sally’s office now. She was so shaken, I didn’t want her going back through the club. I’d never been back there before. The office was a lot less glamorous than I’d imagined but there was a sofa that I guided Gina to.

  I found a blanket and wrapped it around her. She shook like leaf.

  “Is there anything else you need?”

  “You could put your arm around me.”

  I sat beside her on the sofa and put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. Her hair smelt like some kind of fancy flowers and I wanted to stroke it but couldn’t without removing my arm from her shoulder.

  “I had to do it,” she said. “I couldn’t let you fight him. I couldn’t let you risk hurting yourself more.”

  “You did well,” I said. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her having to fight my battle for me but it was more important that she felt okay. My male pride could stand being knocked down a bit anyway.

 
“It’s not good. Every time I fight for myself, something bad happens.” She sniffed.

  “Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise.” I rubbed her shoulder, hoping to comfort her, but her words shocked me.

  Poor girl. All this time, I’d never known something so basic about her. Carlie had said she wouldn’t fight but I’d not realized she was so scared of sticking up for herself. No wonder she’d walked away from me.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I told her. “He’s been kicked out. He won’t be coming back here.”

  She sobbed gently and I pulled her tighter. I’d hold her all night if it made her feel better.

  “I lost my job today. I stood up for myself, for once, and that’s what happened.”

  “The people you work for are jerks. You’re better off without them.”

  Then I realized that was easy for me to say. I had money, I didn’t need to work. It wasn’t so easy when you needed to pay bills every month and support yourself. I’d happily support Gina too. It was only money and I’d offer her whatever she wanted, but I knew she wouldn’t take it from me.

  ‘You fought tonight, you fought to protect me.”

  She gave a little laugh. “He did look funny, rolling on the ground, screaming.”

  I grinned. “You did well.”

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” She nodded. “I’m a fighter now.”

  “You’re not fine but you will be,” I said, with a grin that I hoped would make her relax.

  “If you want to get back to the club, I’ll be fine on my own. You don’t want to miss Alex play. Or maybe you can call me a cab and I’ll go home.”

  Even though she said that, she still trembled a little. She’d twisted her fingers tightly around the blanket, gathering it around her even though the office was hot. She did not look like someone who wanted to be alone. There was no way I was leaving her like this.

  “I shouldn’t have encouraged him. He bought me a drink and I said took it from him. I didn’t think it’d hurt but he followed me into the toilet and said I owed him...”

  “That’s bullshit. You let him buy you a drink? That’s nothing. Losers like that, they aren’t worth the air they breathe. You did nothing wrong. He needs to learn a few manners. I buy you drinks, even Drew buys you drinks. You think we want something for it? Anyway, where was Drew?”

  “He went to run some errand for Alex. That guy had me up against the wall, I didn’t think I could get away. I froze inside. I always do. I just want to shrink up and disappear so that they go away. But when I thought you’d get hurt. I couldn’t let you do that for me.”

  She had her head on my shoulder. I wanted her to feel safe but I wasn’t sure how to do that.

  “You did it,” I said. “You fought for yourself and nothing bad will happen this time.”

  Someone knocked on the door. Carlie put her head in. She had a drink for Gina.

  “Hell, your top is torn. That bastard. I saw him being dragged out and figured something like this had happened. There’s probably some clothes of Violet’s still around here somewhere. I’ll find them and you can change.”

  She sat at the desk and opened the drawers, then looked up at the computer screen and gave a snort.

  “Sally has Alex’s picture as her screensaver. Ha, you’d think she’d be worried he’d see it. Hey, there are a bunch of band t-shirts here. Pick one and you can have it. There’s a bottle of vodka too if you need a top up and hey, this is my lipstick. I loaned it to Violet like six months ago and when I asked for it back, she said she didn’t have it. Bitch.”

  Carlie handed the t-shirts to Gina.

  “Hey, Jackson, get out for a minute. Gina needs to get changed.”

  “It’s okay, he can stay,” Gina said, but I felt like I should give her some privacy.

  I stood outside in the storeroom, the echoes of Alex’s band coming from upstairs. It gave me a chance to think about things. I’d never wanted to see that girl hurt, that’s why I stayed from her, but life had hurt her all the same. With me, she was the girl who shone, who made everything perfect. I couldn’t protect her from myself, I had to make myself worthy of her. That had to be my job, 100% of the time. I had to commit to doing that and follow through. No wallowing in self-pity. She needed to learn to fight for herself and, to do that, she had to see that she was worth fighting for.

  When Carlie left, I sat down beside Gina and held her tight. I fought to get out the words I wanted to say. I needed to say them though.

  “You see, this is why we’ll never work out. I couldn’t fight to save you. I’m not the man you need. I can’t protect you, most of the time I can’t even protect myself. I battle. I battle every day. Just to live with myself. You don’t need to be dragged into that.”

  Gina’s answer surprised me.

  “I don’t need you to fight for me. You did something more than that. You gave me the strength to fight for myself. I’d have never done that without you. I was going to leave town after tonight. Admit defeat and move back home. But I’ve changed my mind.” She turned so she could smile at me. “I’ll survive. If I fight and get knocked down, I’ll fight back even harder. So, you want to watch out, because you’re the one I’m fighting for. I can’t make you change but, if you really loved me, you’d fight for yourself. You need to get help, Jackson. I’ll support you any way I can but you need to fix up not just your hand but your mind too.”

  Chapter 35 Gina

  WE LEFT THE CLUB AND went back to my apartment. Jackson didn’t say much on the way there and, when we got inside, he sat on the sofa.

  “That is one ugly teddy bear,” he said, throwing it on the floor.

  “I think it’s cute.”

  “Why all the boxes?” Jackson asked. “Are you moving?”

  I’d told him how I’d decided to go back home at the club but he must’ve forgotten in all the fuss.

  “You shouldn’t do that,” he said. “I don’t want to talk bad about your mother but, from what you’ve told me, she’s not good for you.”

  I nodded. I knew that.

  “Well, what do you think I should do? I have no job, no savings. I can’t just live on thin air.”

  Jackson screwed up his mouth. “You’ll probably hate me for saying this but I’m happy to loan you some money, give you money even. I have more than enough. It’s not like it’s doing me any favors.”

  I nodded, but had no intentions of taking money from him.

  “Or you could get a job at the bar. They are always looking for staff. It’d tide you over for a while.”

  It wasn’t quite the miracle I’d been hoping for, he wasn’t sweeping me up into his arms and rescuing me but knowing he wanted me to stick around was enough. The thought of living with my mother killed me inside.

  We sat in silence for a while, something seemed to weigh on Jackson’s mind.

  “I haven’t told you everything,” he said.

  “I know.”

  I topped up our drinks and waited for him to talk.

  “When I was younger, I had a lot of women. I never really thought about it too much. They hung around the band and knew the score. I was never in one town long enough to have any kind of relationship anyway.”

  It hurt me to hear that. I knew he’d played around a lot but I didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t say anything, though. That was all in the past.

  “Towards the end, things got really bad. That’s not a lifestyle that’s good for anyone. Fred, the lead singer, the guy in the bar – he got heavily into drugs, the hard stuff. He was getting a couple of the other guys onto it too. I tried to keep things in line. That shit will kill you.”

  He took a sip of his drink and kicked the teddy bear with his toe.

  “It felt like it was all on me, I had to keep everything together. I was so tired, so sick of it. Life had become barely worth living. I couldn’t see an end to it. Travelling from one town to the next, fighting with the guys. It was like we were scar
ed to stop playing or this miracle would disappear, so we pushed ourselves. I had problems enough without that. Thoughts, bad thoughts, circling in my head like vultures.

  “Then, one night, I met a woman. Just another one of the groupies who hung around, I thought. She seemed nice enough. I can’t even remember her name now, how awful is that?

  “I expected the usual, she’d leave the hotel and I’d never see her again. I probably made her all kinds of promises, the dick things a guy says. I didn’t think she’d take them seriously.

  “I left her behind without a second thought. A week later, in the next town, we were sitting around backstage after the concert. I had a few drinks, the guys were horsing around. I had another woman...”

  I nodded but I didn’t like where this was going.

  “She turned up. With her bag and all. Said I’d promised to take her on tour. She stood in the doorway trembling.”

  “She stammered out some stuff that I’d promised her, staring at me. But Fred blocked her way.

  “‘Stupid bitch,’ he said to her. ‘Of course, he didn’t mean any of it. What the fuck kind of idiot are you?’”

  “‘But you said... I quit my job. I packed it all in to come with you.’ Her lip quivered and she turned really pale.”

  “The woman I’d been with came back from the bathroom and sat on my knee. The girl, still in the doorway, stared. Her face crumbled. You could see the realization of what I was come over her. The disgust and the hurt. She turned and walked away. I got up to go after her, to try to make it right, but Fred grabbed me.

  “He told me it’d do no good going after her. I’d just create more problems. What could I say to her anyway? She knew the truth now.”

  Jackson shuddered. Although he sat beside me, he could’ve been a million miles away. He didn’t look at me, he stared at something in the distance as though he was back in that place.