Fraying at the Edge

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Brandi smiled. “See.” She touched her own lips. “You voiced your heart. In your own way you told me to back off, and yet we’re both still here, neither one broken or vaporized by God. If you want Nicholas to hear you, you have to speak up for yourself.”

  But nowhere in the Bible did it say she could do that with her father. She had to honor her mother, but the Bible was much stricter about what could and couldn’t be said to her father.

  Ariana’s head was beginning to ache. “If I can earn the right to see Rudy, will Nicholas let me wear my Amish clothes?”

  “We’ll talk him into it.” Brandi put a finger through a belt loop and tugged. “But for today can you wear a pair of jeans?”

  “I’m not sure God or I approve.”

  “You’re a tad uptight, girl.” Brandi held her index finger and thumb an inch apart. “I’m beginning to understand why Nicholas put ‘have fun’ on your to-do list.” She rested a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow. “What did you used to do for fun?”

  “You mean besides going to singings?” Ariana stood. “Being poor is pretty cheerless, I guess. Fun to me was working hard enough that no one went hungry or naked or dirty.”

  “I’m proud that’s who you are, and I’m sure your Amish family appreciated it, but could you try to relax and enjoy yourself a little now?”

  “It’s Sunday. I have on jeans, and I’m going to work.”

  Part of her reward for doing this today was that Nicholas and Brandi would attend church next Sunday—different churches. But it seemed to Ariana that she had a lot of spiritual lessons and life truths to learn outside of church. She’d judged her parents as sinners while aiming to get them to church. Why? Was it because she cared about them or because she could better tolerate their past and present if they went to church? Or was it because she felt obligated? Where was her love and acceptance? Church existed because of love and forgiveness, not because of man’s accusations and disapproval.

  “The Amish milk their cows on Sundays, right?” Brandi asked. “I don’t see the issue, but the decision is yours.”

  “Decisions were a lot easier back home.”

  “I can imagine.” Brandi held up one finger. “Hang on. I have an idea.”

  God, am I selling out?

  Brandi returned and held out a black sweater. “Try this cardigan.”

  Ariana put it on, and the bottom came below her backside. “That helps.” But she wasn’t sure it was enough.

  Gabe came to the bedroom. “How’s it going, ladies?”

  Brandi turned, a slight smile on her lips. “Good, I think.”

  Ariana nodded. Gabe and Cameron had gone for a run. Of late it seemed the whole world made time to run.

  Cameron glanced in as she passed, and then she stopped and backed up. She stared at Ariana. “That I like. Uh…”—Cameron rubbed the side of her neck—“could I go with you?”

  That was definitely the voice of a little sister wanting to tag along. “Not wearing that, you can’t.”

  Cameron tugged at the hem of her shorts. “Prude.” She sighed. “I’ll be right back.” She pointed at Ariana. “Don’t leave without me.”

  Gabe’s eyes met Brandi’s, and he raised both brows, as if he couldn’t believe what was going on. He looked at Ariana. “Thanks.”

  “She may regret asking, but I’m glad she’s coming with me. Quill is subdued and quiet, very restrained, and she’s stuck on wide open. It should be an interesting day.”

  “That’s one word for it.” Gabe chuckled. “But I think you have the big-sister bug, and Cameron can feel it.” He gestured toward Brandi. “From what she’s told me, she had the mom bug from the moment she heard your heartbeat when you were just a ten-week-old fetus.”

  Ariana studied Brandi. That didn’t compute somehow.

  Brandi tossed the brush onto the bed. “He’s right. It took me a month to adjust to the news that I was expecting you, but once I heard your heartbeat, I fell so in love, and despite the stresses of single parenting, I enjoyed it.”

  Enjoyed it? Hadn’t she wallowed in guilt and shame? Ariana would have. Not only did this new information go against the image Ariana had of how she’d entered this world as an unwanted mistake, but it also made her realize that judging was easy. It came naturally. But not allowing the expectations of society or the church to ruin one’s joy had to be far harder. It had to take a strength Ariana was completely unfamiliar with.

  A cell phone pinged, and Brandi went to the nightstand and picked up her phone. While she read the text, her phone rang. Barked actually. Her ringtone. “It’s Nicholas.” She glanced at Gabe. “A text and a call. I need to take this.” She swiped her finger across the screen and put it to her ear. “Hey, what’s going on?” Brandi listened, nodding. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll tell her. If it’s a problem, I’ll call you.” She disconnected the call. “Uh, sweetie.” She reached for Ariana’s hand. “Our performance yesterday was posted on YouTube. No one has your name attached to it, but it’s live and gaining hits.”

  “What’s a hit?”

  “Views.” Brandi touched the link in the text. “There we are.”

  Ariana peered at it, and her face flushed hot. What would Mamm, Daed, and her siblings think if they knew about this?

  “It’s my fault,” Brandi said. “I should’ve warned you that there are cameras everywhere these days. This is from someone’s cell phone, but the amphitheater has security cameras that recorded it too. Are you okay with this?”

  What could she do about it? She’d been naive to think that, other than Cameron, no one would record it. And security cameras had never dawned on her. Did anyone even look at them?

  The nagging sound of a dog barking caused Quill to open his eyes. The light on his headlamp revealed pink insulation and the bare wood of the framing mere inches from his face. His eyelids were heavy, and his eyes felt as if they were coated with grit. A second night with almost no sleep was taking its toll. While rewiring this home, he had crawled into this black space between the rafters of the roof and a particle-board wall. And apparently he’d dozed off.

  He drew a heavy breath, taking in the smells of a newly built home. Had he slept a few seconds or a few minutes? From somewhere more common to humans than this crawlspace, Lexi barked and then whined.

  “Yeah, I’m alive, girl.” He moaned while trying to work the kinks out of his body. “I’m just fine. How are you?” He imagined her tail was wagging, but he couldn’t see her. It wasn’t typical for him to get into a tight space and lie still. So if dogs breathed sighs of relief, she was probably sighing now.

  Quill still had the thick gray cable in his hand, and he tugged on it as he finished working his way toward the hole in the side of the house.

  “Quill?” Regina called.

  “In the attic.”

  Her footsteps on the stairs came quickly.

  “You need food. We brought food. Come eat,” she hollered down the dark, kite-shaped tunnel.

  “Okay.” He matched her volume so she could hear him.

  His sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews were returning to Kentucky after a quick picnic in a nearby unfinished home. He’d agreed to this break with the family when he’d thought he would be further along by now. With the exception of a couple of naps, including the one that had been unplanned, he’d worked round the clock since Friday evening. Each of his brothers had taken a six-hour shift to help him.

  An electrical inspector would arrive on the job site first thing tomorrow, and Quill’s goal was to have every house rewired and ready for inspection. If that could happen, McLaren’s anger against Schlabach Home Builders would ease off. Maybe the man would reconsider his plan never to hire Schlabach Home Builders again.

  When approximately fifty feet of cable was shoved through the opening to the outside of the home, Quill began to back out of his claustrophobic space. “Are you guys packed and ready to go after lunch?” He angled the beam of the headlamp onto his watch. Eleven thirty. He had about an h
our and a half until Ariana was scheduled to arrive…if she came.

  “Yeah. It was a nice fall break.”

  He inched his way to the open space of the attic. “Good. I’m glad.” He stood upright, dusting off his clothes before patting a wriggling Lexi.

  Regina held out a mug of coffee. “We looked for the plans. Your room at the trailer has never been cleaner, but we didn’t find any plans, let alone the right set.”

  “Okay, thanks.” He hated that news. He’d gone over everything in his mind again and again, and he finally recalled a conversation he’d had with Sanders, the project manager. Quill had talked to him during that bleak, confusing time when he was trying to help Ariana, and Sanders had said there was a new set of plans but that none of the architects’ and engineers’ updates would affect the electrical system Quill was putting in. Quill had jotted that on the plans, and he’d had Sanders initial it before he ordered the supplies and installed the systems. But without that set of plans, it was his word against Sanders’.

  “I’m worried about you,” Regina said. “You’re logging too many hours and carrying too much guilt because of the wiring mishap.”

  “Ah, I’m fine. I haven’t set aside my goal to have all the houses rewired by morning.”

  “You’re exhausted, and that huge task would be easier if you hadn’t agreed to let a complete novice shadow you today of all days.”

  “Whether every house is rewired by morning or not, I have done enough to keep the inspectors busy, and the contracted houses will be able to close on time. If that’s not good enough to get us out of the doghouse with McLaren, sooner or later Schlabach Home Builders will get another chance to prove ourselves, and he will make the offer again. We may have to work for someone else for a while, but when McLaren once again sees our value, we’ll be in a position to negotiate properly, and we’ll make up for not getting the promotion this time around.”

  Until McLaren learned that Quill had installed the wrong electrical panels in the new phase of homes, he’d been planning to promote Schlabach Home Builders from subcontractors to contractors on the next job. That was huge, and it would have come with a good raise and job stability. It appeared as if Quill’s mistake of wiring the houses wrong had caused them to fall from McLaren’s good graces, but Quill thought something else was also going on.

  She drew a deep breath. “You’re good at making things lighter than they are. You need to find a girl who appreciates that about you.”

  Quill motioned to the stairs and waited for Regina to go first. “Think so?”

  “Yep. A girl who would welcome your beautiful idiosyncrasies does exist, you know.”

  He laughed. “ ‘Beautiful idiosyncrasies’? Been reading poetry lately?”

  “You’re a quirky guy. Don’t try to say otherwise. And there are girls who’d be thrilled with your unconventional ways.”

  “Maybe.”

  Once on the main floor, she turned. “Maybe?”

  He went to the side door and opened it, Lexi right behind him. “You do know some people are content being single, right?”

  “Yeah, sure.” She went down the two steps to the garage. “I just don’t think you’re one of those people. Do you?”

  “I’ve had one date in twenty-five years, so apparently I am.”

  Lexi stayed at his side as they went to the sidewalk and turned toward the least-finished home in the subdivision. That’s why the family had decided to meet there for a quick lunch. The children could do no harm to new floors and carpets if none had been installed. It was also missing its doors and windows. Quill had given Ariana the address of the house next to it, thinking he’d be ready to rewire it by the time she arrived. Even though he was behind schedule, he needed to take time to see his sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews before they returned to Kentucky.

  Regina pulled her sweater tighter. “Before your life went crazy with Ariana’s stuff in August, you’d finally met one girl at church that you liked well enough to ask out. What happened to that budding relationship?”

  “It was over before it started.”

  “So what happened?”

  “She was cute. I was lonely. I thought we might be an okay fit. Date one proved I was wrong. End of story.”

  Regina narrowed her eyes. “What’d she do or say that was so wrong?”

  He shrugged. His reasoning would sound shallow. But even in one date, he’d seen that she didn’t have the capacity to understand him or the patience to try. No harm, no foul. While they had talked over dinner, she’d asked about the necklace he wore—the one Ariana made for him right after his dad died—but his date had been condescending, as if he should be embarrassed to wear it. He had tucked it inside his shirt, not because he was embarrassed by it, but because it represented things personal and close to his heart. However, it’d worked its way free. It was made of three leather cords that, according to Ariana, represented God, her, and him. She had forged the medallion by hand, but it showed its age and probably looked like a fourteen-year-old had made it, which she had. Still, if his date was so picky about outward appearances, he was done.

  He and Regina went up the sidewalk and into the house. A couple of his nieces and nephews were running and playing. Gavin, the youngest of the group, was awkwardly stomping about, and the others were sitting on the floor with paper plates beside them filled with a simple lunch. He had eight nieces and nephews in all—ages fifteen months to nine years—so gatherings were a chaotic oasis.

  Six-year-old Kylie and seven-year-old Jenna ran to him, and he scooped up one in each arm and spun them around while they giggled. Quill set them back down, and as they hurried off, he glanced at his watch. If Ariana was coming, she’d arrive in about an hour. Makeshift tables had been set up using doors and sawhorses, but the food was more lavish than he’d expected. He opened a thermos. “You guys know I only have a few minutes for lunch, right?”

  His sister-in-law Piper put two egg-salad sandwiches on a plate, some chips, and a couple of ladles of fresh fruit. “What we know is you need to eat, chill, and breathe.” She held it out to him. “And we were hoping to hang around and visit with Ariana.”

  He didn’t like that plan, but he took his plate and coffee and sat on the particle-board floor near the others. He leaned against the unfinished Sheetrock. How could he word this?

  “Look, it’s fine with me if you’re here when Ariana arrives, but you need to know that my relationship with her is on thin ice. She doesn’t like or agree with my choices,”—he gestured at the group—“our choices. So be very careful with your questions and statements, okay?”

  The lines around Regina’s eyes deepened. “Is your relationship that fragile that all of us need to walk lightly?”

  “Maybe. I’m not sure, and I’d rather not test it.”

  Piper gave a plate of food to one of her children. “We just want a chance to get to know the girl you’ve loved all these years.”

  Quill’s skin flushed hot. “Hey, speaking of thin ice…” The topic of how he felt about Ariana was supposed to be off-limits.

  Piper turned to face him. “Ariana’s on the outside now and has Englisch parents. Don’t you want to grab this opportunity and see if the two of you—”

  “If we what, Piper?” Quill tried to steady his raw nerves. “Can form a relationship like Mamm and Daed had, where one is fully Amish and one has the heart for rebellion?” He needed to reel himself in, but exhaustion had taken over. “Ariana is no more capable of happily leaving the Amish than Mamm is. And Ariana and I are a universe apart in our views of God, our political beliefs, our hopes for the future. She wouldn’t do anything to prevent herself from having all the children God could bless her with, and she seriously hopes to have at least twelve. But you’re right. I love her…enough to do all I can to get her home again so she can marry the right man for her, a man she’s in love with.”

  “Twelve children.” Regina sighed like a schoolgirl in love. “Won’t your Mamm enjoy every moment of
that?”

  “Yeah, she will,” Dan agreed. “So, Piper, would you really want Ariana to stay on the outside with us? Because if she did, Mamm would be alone for the rest of her life.”

  It was almost unbearable for all the adults in this room to be cut off from their families, but they had each other, and that helped. Three of his four sisters-in-law had been raised Amish, and they had grown siblings who remained Amish, so their parents still had a bevy of children and grandchildren near them. It was easier when at least one child stayed, and Quill would’ve been that child if Frieda’s situation had been handled differently by the Amish community.

  “Quill, I want you to find someone,” Piper said.

  “I will, I think.” He just needed to find peace with his past, and much of that centered on Ariana. They had achieved forgiveness between them. Now he hoped for healing, and it would do him a world of good if he could help her accomplish the most important thing to her—getting home and marrying Rudy. Then he would take a relaxing breath and begin life fresh. Something he’d been unable to do since leaving the Amish and shattering Ariana’s heart in the process.

  Ariana pulled up to the curb, looking at numerous unfinished homes. This section had dirt for yards, and the houses had no windows or doors. But the roofs, sheathing, and subflooring were in place. What little she knew about home construction she’d recently learned from Quill as they prepared for today.

  “Are we there yet?” Cameron asked for the umpteenth time, teasing.

  This spot fit the directions Quill had texted to her. The GPS got them to the subdivision, but these homes didn’t have addresses, so the GPS was no help. She hoped she’d followed the directions correctly.

  “Close enough. Come on.” She got out of her car and dialed Quill’s cell. She immediately heard a phone ring. “This way.” She motioned for Cameron, and they headed for a doorless, windowless home.

  When they were halfway up the sidewalk, Quill came out the front door. “You’re early.”