The Sexpert

by JA Huss

  One last clap on the shoulder, and he’s gone.

  So... Like I said… I thought I knew how I was feeling about all this.

  But I don’t.

  Because he’s right. That puzzle I was solving wasn’t the one I thought I was.

  I was looking for my secrets, not hers.

  I practically jog over to Sunset Towers. Don’t even bother waiting for the elevator, just take the stairs up to the second floor and knock on her door. “Eden?” I say. “It’s me. Can you please open the door?”

  No answer.

  “Eden?” I say, knocking again. “Please?”

  I take out my phone, find her contact—which says Cupcake and seeing that word kinda makes my heart hurt—and press send.

  It rings, then goes to voicemail. No. Wait. It’s not voicemail. It’s a message.

  And it says… This number is not accepting calls at this time.

  Because she blocked me.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - EDEN

  Zoey hugs me hard the moment I step into her apartment. I’ve stopped crying. I cried the whole way back to my apartment to pack up a bag, and then all the way over here in my truck.

  So now… I’m just tired.

  She still doesn’t know what happened and she doesn’t ask, either. Doesn’t need to ask. Doesn’t even need to know. All she needs to know is that I need her and all I need to know is that she’s here for me.

  I drop my overnight bag on the floor in her front foyer and then flop onto her couch and pull a pillow into my lap as I stare mindlessly out the window.

  She goes about her day, leaving me alone, but still paying attention. She makes me a grilled cheese sandwich and I pick at it as she feeds baby Stevie his pureed sweet potatoes. Then she does laundry and plays patty-cake, and does some web design.

  I just sit and run the past twenty-four hours through my head over and over again.

  How he embarrassed me last night.

  How he put me on the spot this morning.

  How I humiliated myself by making a stupid speech in front of two hundred people and then quit my job.

  “I quit my job,” I say softly.

  “What?” Zoey is washing sippy cups in the sink, which faces the living room, so she’s looking right at me when I say it.

  “Yup.” I nod. And then the whole story spills out. And when I get to the part where I walk out of the auditorium, she smiles. “Why are you smiling?” I ask. “This is horrible!”

  She shrugs. “I dunno. Is it? I mean, it’s not what we planned, that’s for sure. But since when does life go according to plan?”

  We both look over at Stevie, who fell asleep in his baby swing. He’s sucking his thumb looking very innocent and adorable.

  “I can’t say my life is on track either but… but it’s a nice life.”

  I smile at her. And it’s not even forced. “You’re a good mom.”

  “Shit.” She laughs. “I’m adequate. But one day, Eden, one day, if things go as planned, he’s gonna be old enough to know about this Sexpert stuff. And then… well, when that day comes all I can say is I did my best, ya know?” She shrugs. “We’re just doing our best, that’s all. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I lied to him,” I say. “He takes that stuff kinda personally.”

  “Sure. OK. I get it. But that’s his deal, Eden. Not yours. You don’t owe him anything and if he made you think you did… well, he’s wrong, babe. He’s just wrong.” She sets her half-clean sippy cup down, wipes her hands on a dish towel, and walks over to the couch to plop down beside me. “You’re practically strangers, Eden. It was a brand-new relationship that happened on the wrong day, that’s all it was. That’s all. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just life.”

  I nod my head, because it makes sense. I mean… everything that happened was just one long weird coincidence.

  “But I feel… I feel really, really bad, Zoey. And I have no job.” I pout my lips.

  “Hey,” she says. “You didn’t like that job anyway. And we’ve still got the Pink Lady offer. We’re totally on track for success, you’ll see.”

  My phone buzzes on the coffee table, so I reach over, hoping—for just a second—that it’s Andrew. But then I remember I blocked him.

  “Who is it?”

  “Myrtle,” I say, reading her text. “She says to turn on Channel 9. Oh, God…” Because I can see where this is going. Those cameras were there for a reason. “Don’t,” I say.

  But Zoey is already reaching for the remote.

  Channel 9 is showing the footage. And there’s a headline at the bottom that says, Sexpert reveals herself. Local girl working for Le Man magazine.

  “Well, that’s just perfect. Now my dad is gonna know.”

  And then, like life is conspiring against me, my phone rings. And you guessed it, it’s my dad.

  “I better take this,” I say, getting up from the couch and heading for the bedroom. “Hey, Dad,” I say, once I accept his call.

  “Hey, cupcake,” he says. “How’s life?”

  I start crying immediately and it’s like my whole day is on repeat as I recount the story again. My dad, to his credit, just listens patiently. Lets me get it all out. Lets me have all the feelings I’m feeling. And when I’m done talking he says, “Well, your life has gotten quite exciting since you moved out.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say.

  “For what?” he asks.

  “Um… for being the Sexpert?”

  “Shortcake, you don’t need to explain your life to me. You’re a grown woman. You’re smart, beautiful, innovative. Always have been. You don’t have to explain your decisions. I’m your dad. I’ll be here no matter what you do.”

  “I might need to move back home,” I say, sniffling like crazy.

  “No, you won’t, pumpkin. You’ll figure it out. I know you will. Just take a few days and relax.”

  “Should I keep being the Sexpert?” I ask, acutely aware that this conversation is weird. But hey, if he’s gonna be Mr. Understanding, I’m gonna get his advice.

  “Do what makes you happy, Eden. If you do that, I’ll be happy too. Now, you wanna come over for dinner tomorrow? I’m making your favorite dessert.”

  “Chocolate strawberry cake?” I ask.

  “With whip cream filling and cherries on top.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX - ANDREW

  “Have you talked to her?” Pierce asks.

  “You know I haven’t. She blocked me.”

  “Blocked you?” He kinda laughs. “Lame.”

  “I know. She’s being ridiculous.”

  “Not her, you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. Blocked you? What are you, fourteen? You can’t get around a call block?”

  “I stop by her door and knock four times a day. She’s not there.”

  “So go find her,” Pierce says, fucking with the TV remote.

  I know where she might be. And I could go over there, but I don’t think Zoey liked me before, and now? Yeah.

  Pierce is in my office today because I just stopped visiting him. Going anywhere, actually. So a couple days ago he started showing up here. Kinda took over and claimed one of the chairs that used to be in front of my desk as his new throne. He’s got it pushed it up against the window for effect or something. That’s where he’s sitting now.

  I’m not pissed off at him, even though he thinks I am. I mean… I have no reason to be pissed off at him.

  Pierce sighs and then points the remote at the TV. “There she is.”

  Yup. There she is. In all her cupcake glory.

  She and Zoey are on a local morning show trying to explain and come to terms with their newfound celebrity.

  Those cameras Pierce had at the Big Reveal last week actually wound up getting a local goldmine of footage and that shit was on TV that night. Since then Eden and Zoey have been lying low, but at some point you gotta make a statement.

  Sexpert is booming. L
ike last I looked they had five million subscribers.

  Pierce is unusually calm about that.

  I look at him, leaning forward in his new throne, elbows on knees, staring intently at the screen as the morning show introduces the Sexpert. Or Sexperts, since they are partners.

  “Why do you torture yourself?” I ask him.

  He reluctantly drags his eyes away from the TV. “What do you mean?”

  “Watching them succeed? It’s gotta hurt. It was your idea and all.”

  He shrugs and turns the volume up.

  “So,” the morning host says. She’s blonde, young, and perky. “Eden and Zoey, what a difference a week makes! How are you handling your newfound success?”

  “Well,” Zoey says, taking control. Eden just sits there and smiles, her perfect cupcakes well-hidden underneath a professional blazer. “We’re a very young company, but we’re making the most of it. We’ve gotten several job offers since—“

  “Several?” Pierce snorts. “No wonder Eden hasn’t returned my calls.”

  Now he knows her name, that’s for damn sure. “Why would she?”

  Pierce looks at me, brows furrowed. “Why wouldn’t she?”

  “Uh… because you went insane. And had her outed on camera.”

  He points his finger at me. “I think that was you, mon petit chou.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Term of affection. Means, literally, my little cabbage.”

  I love how I’m getting all the blame for this current shitstorm when all I was trying to do was be loyal. And honest.

  I huff. I guess I should probably reconsider my values since loyalty and honesty don’t get you far.

  “And then, you know”—Zoey is still talking—“I got pregnant and the father wasn’t involved, so we just… we needed a way to support ourselves. And yeah, we’ve seen a lot of nasty comments on the videos. Saying we’re exploiting Eden’s assets. But…” She pauses to shrug. “Hell, they’re hers to exploit if she wants. We’re not hurting anyone. So yeah.” She smiles. “We’re doing this.”

  “And, Eden, how do you feel about it?”

  She’s doing one of those teeth-clenched grins, staring right at the camera. She clears her throat and pushes her glasses up her nose, and God, I miss that. “I’m just… you know. Making things up for new videos. And looking forward to the future, of course.” She smiles uncomfortably again. “I mean, it’s been stressful because I’m running out of desserts to sexify—“ Everyone laughs.

  Pierce huffs.

  “—so that’s challenging. There aren’t as many phallic desserts as you might think,” she says, finding her rhythm. “I mean, aside from the cannoli and the éclair, how many long pastries can you squirt on camera? Am I right?” More laughing on screen.

  I crack a smile. Just a little one.

  “Well, there’s the ladyfinger,” the hostess says.

  “Oh.” Eden points to her. “Good one, Jackie! Can I steal that?”

  “Only if I can give you the tip to go with it!” Jackie exclaims, winking for the camera.

  “Deal.” Eden snorts.

  They all laugh more.

  She’s so. Fucking. Cute.

  Pierce points the remote at the TV and turns it off. “Well, a man can only watch his own demise for so long. I mean, the lawyers are still pushing forward so we’re not quite done fighting. But it’s going to be a bitter win when it comes and—“

  “What?” I say. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

  “What what?”

  “You’re still going to try to take her to court?”

  “Why would I just give in?” Pierce asks. “It was my idea.”

  “You’re the one who was saying maybe it wasn’t last week when she walked out.”

  “I’ve had a change of heart.”

  “You mean, you saw the five million subscribers on YouTube and decided to take a piece of her pie.”

  “Nice.” He laughs. “But yes. It’s just business.”

  “You can’t win this.”

  “I think I can. I have money, and power, and the best lawyers in the state. At the very least I have something to negotiate with.”

  “So you really do want a piece of her pie?”

  “Of course,” he says. “I’d be stupid to let her get away with this.”

  “Wow,” I say. “You’re a dick.”

  “Me? No. I’m just trying to save my magazine.”

  “Is that all you think about?”

  “What else is there to think about?”

  “Um… well, let’s start with a healthy dose of human decency for one.”

  “You know as well as anyone that human decency doesn’t go far.”

  “Fuck you,” I say.

  “Fuck you back,” he says. “Do you have any idea what I had to promise Myrtle to get her to stay on as my assistant?”

  I picture long nights of Pierce being handcuffed in Myrtle’s secret dungeon lair as she stands over him in thigh-high latex boots holding a whip.

  “She now makes more than my VP. And she’s hostile.”

  “She was always hostile.”

  “No, she was assertive. Now she’s just angry. And that’s all because of you. You knew it wasn’t her and you let me embarrass her in front of the whole company.”

  I sigh. We’ve been over this a dozen times and hell, I’ve done nothing but apologize to him—and Myrtle, and let me tell you, apologizing to Myrtle isn’t something I ever want to do again—so what more can I say?

  “I’m sorry.” I just give in and say it again. Because… whatever.

  “So yeah,” Pierce continues. “I’m going all in on this little fight. I deserve something out of it.”

  I just look at him. Like… seriously. How is this guy my best friend? Maybe it’s me who makes bad choices?

  “They’re gonna slaughter you.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “You’re gonna be the sole reason this magazine goes down.”

  “At least I’ll go down fighting.”

  “Dude.” I laugh. “You can’t win this. These are two young women with a solid high-concept idea. One of whom is a single mother with no child support, the other is being attacked by her former employer for succeeding. That relationship with your father? Gone. Because this magazine won’t recover from a PR nightmare like that. Not to mention, you’re just an asshole for even considering it. Just do the world a favor and accept the fact that she had the idea first and didn’t steal it, OK? Because we’re all tired of your fake aristocratic attitude. You’re not a king. You’re just a sad, sad man with daddy problems.”

  He purses his lips and nods his head. “Yeah, OK. But at least I’m being honest with you. Which is more than you’re doing with me.”

  “What? What the fuck does that mean?”

  He shrugs. “You’re still holding a grudge. So why should I give up mine?”

  “She lied to me.”

  “Whoopty-do! She lied to me too. So we’re even.”

  “We’re not even. I’m not the one trying to ruin her life.”

  “Then why do you feel so guilty about what you did?”

  “I don’t.”

  “Well,” he says quietly. “Then you’re the sad one, Andrew. Because you found a girl you liked. And she liked you back. And talk about a royal fuckup? You’re the king of that kingdom. I’m not gonna sue her, asshole. I’m just trying to make a point.”

  “What point?”

  “I wanted to see what side you’d land on.”

  “Side? What?”

  “It was a test.”

  “A test? What? What the fuck? What are you doing right now?”

  “Doesn’t feel very good, does it? You are the one who ruined this. And I’m not talking about the magazine. I’m talking about the relationship. And your litmus test just proves that you’re the asshole here, not me. I dunno. I’m just doing some shit I read about in one of our articles. Reverse transference, or... something. Som
e way to make a chick think she’s crazy. But I’m just using it on you. Doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

  I laugh. Guffaw, actually.

  “You got fucked over by a woman once and now you’ve got this test to see if people are worthy. Well, good luck with that. Because your standard is impossible to meet. You set them up. Just like I set you up. Beautifully, I’ll add.”

  “Honesty?” I say. “That’s an impossible standard?”

  “Trust is earned. You didn’t earn it. You just expected it.”

  I pause to mull that over. “Say more.”

  Pierce stands up, buttons his suit coat, and says, “Mon chou, if I’ve got to explain that part to you, well… watch the video. Take a good look at it. Because that look on your face when she’s up there on that stage?” He sighs. “It hurts me to see it. It really hurts me. Because once upon a time you were the far better guy in this friendship and somehow…” He shakes his head. “I dunno. Somehow, we’re now equal. And I always figured maybe one day I’d learn to be more like you. Not the other way around.”

  And then he walks out.

  “I’m not the one avoiding her!” I yell after him. “She blocked me!”

  But all I get back is a faint, “Boohoo,” as he makes his way out of the Aureality offices.

  It’s bullshit. I mean… what the actual fuck? I’m not the one who lied. Repeatedly. I’m the one who was trying to help. I’m the one who has his back. I’m the one who got her that deal, a great deal too. And she’s the one who refused to take it.

  Right?

  Right?

  I flip the TV on to see if they’re still interviewing them on the morning show, but they’re not. They’re gone.

  So I do a search for the Sexpert, and not because Pierce told me to, either. It’s just… I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve been avoiding it, actually. The first video is the one about blow jobs, but the one right below it is the footage at the TDH building last week.

  I press play and the sound comes on. Pierce and I are on stage. He looks stressed. I look… I lean a little to make sure I’m seeing this right. Because I look…