by Eve R. Hart
“Anything?” I ask. I’m not one that lives off of surprises.
When I go in I want a location, description, and if possible a name. But I’m not getting a single thing here.
“Any-fucking-thing.” His voice is laced with venom. “Is that going to be a problem?”
I feel it deep in my bones that there is only one right answer to that. But I am not one to take shit from anyone. However, I am desperate.
“No,” I say mustering all the restraint I can.
“Get set up. I’ll send one of my men out there to meet with you and give you ten percent.”
Then the line goes dead.
I didn’t like him. But the man he’d sent somehow settled me inside. I still felt as though I was left out on the outside edge of what was going on. This was just going to be a harder puzzle. Only I wasn’t looking to solve it, I was simply looking to finish it.
CHAPTER FOUR
Tank
There I was again with the coin landing on un-fucking-lucky, because I couldn’t have come to with some sort of amnesia or short term memory loss.
Instead, as my mind pushed its way to consciousness, it replayed the last events it remembered. Which so happened to be the worst of my life.
I didn’t have to open my eyes to know I was in a hospital. And that meant one thing, that I had somehow made it and I was alive. Most people would be happy in that situation but as I remembered the explosion, all I could wish for was death. Because there was no way my son made it out alive.
I felt the wetness push its way through my fused together lids and get trapped by my lashes. Not only couldn’t I open my eyes, I simply didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face those who might happen to be there. Like my mom. I couldn’t take seeing the broken look in her eyes when I, myself, was feeling the same. I knew I couldn’t suck it up this time and be there however she might need me.
Because I had fucking lost my son.
“Noah,” my mom’s voice whispered no doubt noticing the tears slip out of my eyes. She knew I was awake and there was no hiding it. But instead of being the son she was used to, I lost it.
“Don’t,” I barked as loud as my scratchy, dry throat would allow. “Go.”
There was no mistaking her sharp intake of breath. I’d never talked to her that way. I’d never felt the need to before. And while it may have hurt me a tiny bit, I just couldn’t handle any kind of conversation that was to follow.
“I’ve been waiting almost three damn months to know that you’re alright. Sittin’ here by your bed, hoping that you would come back to me. I will not leave and you will not ever talk to me like that again.” She pulled out her mom tone and the guilt tugged at my heart, but it wasn’t enough to get me to drop my guard.
Three months. Damn. I couldn’t believe it had been that long. My mind was completely shut off that whole time. It was just an empty void of darkness. One minute I was trapped and the next I was waking up with a sickening, sterile smell filling my nose. It was weird and strange. I had missed three months of my life but I felt unaware that time had passed. It didn’t matter because I wanted nothing more than to be back in that void. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to be in that bed, breathing.
“Mom, I love you. You know this,” I said still keeping my eyes closed. “But I need time right now. I’m asking you to respect that.”
“Fine,” she breathed out in a resigned sigh. “I’m going to let the nurses know you’re awake, then I will go. But you better be damn sure that I will be back tomorrow.”
Then I heard her gather her things and head out the door.
I knew it was only a matter of time before she told everyone and soon my room would be filled with my brothers. And knowing them, they wouldn’t let my attitude go so easily.
So, for the little time that I had, I let myself cave. I let my emotions in and I let the hate and disappointment take over.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Palmer. I’m your nurse, Becky. The doctor will be in shortly.” She smiled and I swallowed down the grunt I felt at her perky voice. “It’s good to see you awake.”
Her fuchsia scrubs were just a bit on the tight side, not doing much for her short, squat frame. Every time she spoke the ponytail of tight curls bounced like springs popping out from her head. And her smile, while at any other point in my life I would have said it was beautiful especially the way it seemed to light up her face, but at that particular moment it grated on my damn nerves.
I made no movement indicating that I’d heard her. I sure as fuck wasn’t happy to be awake. She brushed off my mood like it didn’t bother her and went about doing her thing. My eyes roamed the walls, focusing at nothing specific.
“How are you feeling?” the bouncy nurse asked.
“Fine,” I said and my voice sounded rough to my own ears.
It hurt like a bitch to talk, too, the air feeling like shards of glass as it came up my throat. I swallowed hard as I brought my hand up to massage the front of my neck.
That was when I noticed that my arm was mostly covered with white gauze wrapping. Then the ‘what the fuck’ hit me. Not a second since I’d woken up did I think about what had happened to me and why I was in a hospital. The cause of why I’d been out for nearly three months didn’t even cross my mind. Yeah, I remembered being covered by rubble from my exploding house, but what had happened to me, well, it didn’t seem to matter to me the moment I came to and all I could remember was that my son was gone.
“The doctor will explain everything, okay?” Becky said noticing that I’d finally caught on to all the things that were wrong with me.
Before I had a chance to open my mouth and come up with some sort of reply, in walked a middle-aged man wearing a white lab coat. Fuck, that guy looked like a prick with his hair perfectly styled and his shirt neatly pressed.
Damn, when did I become such an asshole?
I was never one to judge someone so hastily. Sure, there were moments you got the so-called vibe and knew the instant you saw them that they were bad news. But just to outright hate someone because of how well they were or weren’t put together was never me. And while I realized that these people did nothing to scar my life, I still couldn’t help but to lash out at them.
“I’m Doctor White. How are you feeling, Mr. Palmer?” he said not even giving me the time of day. The words rolled off his tongue like he was so used to saying it that he didn’t even have to think about it anymore. Okay, maybe I was right about this guy being a prick.
“Fucking great, doc,” I grumbled. “Seems I had myself a nice long nap. I should be good to go then, right?” I wasn’t really asking. I knew I was being a dick, but the moment I woke up, I just didn’t care anymore.
“Uh, yeah,” he said curtly, his lips pressing into a thin line. “You were treated for second and third-degree burns over your arm, chest, and face. Your left arm was the worst. It seems to be healing nicely and you didn’t need any surgery for skin grafts. You had three fractured ribs, but being in a coma for almost three months has allowed your body to heal. We are going to run some tests and go from there.” With a brush off nod, he was out the door. Not that I cared to fucking talk anymore and I didn’t have any questions for him because I just didn’t give a fuck.
“Pretty lucky in a way. Being in a coma, you missed the most painful parts.” My head whipped over to the nurse so fast I heard something pop. I watched as the huge smile slipped from her face as her eyes grew to the size of saucers.
“The fuck you say?!” I growled.
Yes, I knew that she had no idea about what had happened and she was just doing her best to make light of my situation, but it was the wrong thing to say to me.
The color drained from her face and I almost felt bad. Hell, I knew I was one scary looking guy and I was sure that the scars and most likely unkempt look I had going on didn’t help. Add in the pissed off fire I currently had in my eyes and I imagined I was absolutely terrifying.
“Get the fuck out,” I barked
hoping she’d take my warning before I blew up.
Thankfully, she got the damn message and without another word, she scurried like a mouse out the door.
Lucky. That was a crock of shit right there. I was the furthest from lucky at that point. How many times could life kick me in the balls and tear out my heart before I finally said enough?
The door swung open with a force only one of my brothers could do. And sure enough, in walked Axe with a look of indifference on his face.
“Mom send you?” I asked, my throat sore and I really wished I had some water.
“Yep,” he supplied and plopped down in the seat by the bed. “You’re awake.” His statement was so deadpan it didn’t need a reply.
The longer I sat there awake the more agitated I became. I was doing my best to not think about what had happened but there was no way to escape it. What the fuck had I done in life that was so awful that I deserved this shit? I couldn’t come up with anything. I may not have been a saint but I wasn’t anywhere near being the Devil.
“You got about five minutes to brace yourself before Loch and Diesel get here. You want me to fill you in or you wanna wait?” Axe asked breaking the silence.
“No, I need the five minutes.” A heavy sigh escaped my throat and I started coughing.
Axe left the room and came back not even a minute later with a cup of ice water. Knowing I wouldn’t let him hold it like I was some damn baby, he handed me the cup then sat down again. I drank like a man who’d been stuck in the desert for a year. The cool water only mildly soothed the burning in my throat as it went down.
Before I was completely prepared for it, Loch and Diesel came walking through the door. I would have said the hard, stoic looks on their faces were due to my condition, but in truth, that was just how they always looked.
With a deep breath that hurt like hell to take, I steeled myself ready to hear whatever they were going to tell me. Truth was, I didn’t care to know anything. I didn’t give a damn about the club at that moment. Shitty of me? Sure. But I’d just woke up and found myself in the worst nightmare I could have ever imagined and the only thing I wanted was to be left alone. I wanted to get up. I wanted to run away and hide. I didn’t care if I ever saw any of them ever again, and that included my mother and my sisters.
“We just had to see it for ourselves, brother,” Loch said obviously not missing the hard look on my face. And while his words showed how much he cared, I didn’t want the emotions attached to them.
“I was fucking worried, man. Ellie, too,” Diesel said as he took a tentative step towards me.
Hearing Ellie’s name did two things to me.
One, it made me soften a bit, because who couldn’t when it came to Ellie. The poor girl must have been going out of her mind while I was out. She had the biggest heart out of everyone I knew and she took on pain like no other.
And Two, anger filled my veins. I never said jealousy and envy were good colors on me, but right then it was all I could wear. Because, to put it bluntly, Ellie and Diesel had what I no longer did. Was it right for me to feel that way? Well, no, but I couldn’t help the way I fucking felt.
I didn’t have anything to say so I didn’t even try and open my mouth. I didn’t miss the look they gave each other. Yeah, this was not like me. I was a pretty easygoing guy, or at least I was before all this happened. I joked. I laughed. I wasn’t afraid to do anything to get my kid to smile. I wasn’t like a lot of my brothers, I didn’t have that hard, tough exterior. I wore my heart on my sleeve and I was never ashamed of it. I’d always thought life was too short to spend every minute hardened by the things you’ve been through. But suddenly, I was understanding that feeling because I no longer had it in me to give a fuck about anything.
“Look,” Loch said and I snapped my attention to him. I knew better than to disrespect him even if I felt like telling him to take a hike. “You just came out of a coma, I’m not here to fill you in on everythin’ you’ve missed while you were out. There will be time for that later. I only wanted to check on you. I’m sorry, brother.” The look in his eyes was full of too much sadness and pity.
My stomach turned and I ground my jaw to keep the feelings at bay. Sorry wasn’t going to cut it. Nothing would. If I had just opened my mouth before all this happened then maybe I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be alone. But I made the mistake thinking that my club would protect us at all costs. Instead, we let Savage run free after he killed Stone and threatened us. Fucking pathetic. And look who paid for it, an innocent child—my innocent child.
“You’ve seen me. I’m alive. Now you can go,” I said my voice raw and low.
Diesel and Loch cut their eyes to Axe, who only shrugged in response. Weird thing was, I didn’t mind Axe being there. But then again, it wasn’t like he tried to baby or pity me. He was just, for lack of a better word, there.
I made the mistake of locking eyes with Diesel. His crystal blue eyes looked on the verge of tears and for a second my heart clenched. Next to Axe, Diesel was my closest brother. Tough as he was, he had a soft spot for Logan and I knew he had to be hurting almost as much as I was. I could have reached out. There were a million things I could have done in that moment but the only thing I did was turn my head away from him.
Two sets of footsteps retreated and I knew I was left alone with Axe in the room. For hours, he sat there in silence. I wasn’t sure if he had nothing better to do or was left there to watch over me. My bet would have been on the latter. The quiet wore me down. I felt like the biggest dick. So when the perky nurse walked back into my room to check on me I did my best not to bark at her.
“I’m just here to check a few things, Mr. Palmer. I won’t be long,” she said and I could tell she was trying to cover the shakiness of her voice.
“You can call me Tank,” I said not able to make eye contact with her. “Or Noah, whatever.” Her shoulders visibly relaxed as she let out a long breath.
“Well, Tank seems very fitting,” she said with a small girly chuckle. It wasn’t quite a laugh and could almost have been a giggle, but there was no flirtation behind her tone. Not that I wanted there to be, because the last fucking thing I needed was a nurse with a damn crush taking care of me. “How are you feeling? Any pain?”
“No, I’m fine. Throat is a little sore, but other than that I don’t really feel anything.” I didn’t bother mentioning that the side of my face and arm itched like a bitch. I figured it was due to the scar tissue from the burns. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. There was really no excuse for the way I had treated her earlier, and if my mom had been there, in the hospital or not, she would have verbally slapped me upside the head.
“It’s quite alright. I’m sorry I upset you.” She flashed me a smile so quick I wondered if I even really saw it.
“How soon can I get out of here?” I asked.
“Well, you are scheduled for MRI and CAT scan in about an hour. After the doctor goes over your results, he will have a better idea of when you can be released,” she supplied with a generic answer. “My best guess would be another day or two. You seem physically healthy. You’re healed and you don’t appear to have any lingering head trauma or amnesia, so if all goes well, you won’t be here much longer.”
“Thank you,” I said closing my eyes and letting my head fall back onto the pillow. I was sure she more than likely wasn’t supposed to say things like that to me, but I appreciated it. Then again maybe, she was just happy to be rid of me. I had been an asshole, after all.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Axe said after the nurse was out the door. He wasn’t just talking about the hospital. He knew that in my heart I was ready to walk away from it all, that I needed to be away from everything that reminded me of what I’d lost.
“Yeah,” I grunted. I knew he wasn’t going to try and stop me.
“You at least gonna let them know before you do?” he asked and I shrugged.
As much as I wanted to walk out of the hospital and leave everything behind,
I knew there would be no way I could do that. Angry as I was, I still loved my family, brothers and all. My mother’s heart was broken, much like mine, and I knew it would kill her even more if I didn’t say goodbye.
CHAPTER FIVE
Tank
I had no idea why I was standing there or why I felt the need to torture myself, but as I stared at the rubble that used to be my house all I wanted to do was scream. All I could focus on in my head were the maybes and what-ifs. Like maybe my son isn’t dead. And what if he wasn’t in the house that night.
It didn’t help that they never found a body, and by that I mean, that there was no way they could have. Between the explosion and the fire, there was simply no way to know. And while in my head knew there was no logical way that Logan could still be alive, my heart wanted to hold out hope. That was toying with me in the worst possible way. A ping-pong of emotions ran through me as my head tried to make up some sort of decision.
There was absolutely not a chance that he was still alive. He wasn’t one to get up and roam around at night. Once he was asleep, he was down for the count. He never got out of bed to pee or to find me. So while I replayed those last moments of me tucking him in bed after reading him a third story that night, I knew his lids were heavy and he was sound asleep before I even hit the landing for the first floor.
Even though there wasn’t a body, as Loch had informed me that morning before I’d left the hospital, they’d had a small ceremony while I was in a coma. They each got to say their goodbyes as they buried an empty box in the MC graveyard in the far corner of the compound. His spot right next to my father’s, from what I’d been told. I hadn’t been able to go back there, had yet to say my own goodbye to my son because I just fucking couldn’t.
There was nothing left, I thought as I stared out at the debris that lined my vision. Nothing. That was how I felt on the inside, too. It was like everything had been taken away. I couldn’t even have a reminder of my son, not his favorite stuffed animal, or book, or hell, even his favorite shirt. It was all gone, just like him.