by Clare Lydon
“I told you I came with baggage. I was going to tell you, but you said we should have a little mystery between us.”
“There’s mystery, and there’s mystery.” Eden’s words came out louder than she’d anticipated. She sat up, clearing her throat and leaning forward.
“I think it’s best if I leave.” Heidi pushed out her chair, but Eden covered Heidi’s hands with hers, making her stay put. For now, at least.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice.” She looked into Heidi’s eyes and didn’t like what she saw there. She didn’t want to be responsible for negative emotions. “It’s just when it comes to single mums, my story is muddied. I was the child of a single mum. A bad single mum.” Panic rose in her. “Not that I’m saying you’re a bad single mum.”
Shit, she wasn’t explaining this very well. She was averse to single mums, but not for the reason Heidi thought.
“Not all single mums are feckless, you know. I’ve heard so much prejudice since I became one. And believe me, I have a whole new respect for them.” Heidi looked Eden directly in the eye. “I did this on my own, and I’m not looking for a second parent for Maya. She’s fine as she is. You don’t have to worry, I wasn’t trying to trap you. I was just looking to go out and have a little fun, then see where things went. Especially after that kiss. I had high hopes. But they’re kinda blunted now.”
Eden wanted to smooth out the lines on Heidi’s face, to tell her she didn’t care.
But she did.
She loved kids, but she didn’t trust herself with them in her life. But could she change that mindset for Heidi? Not if it meant dredging up the past and her mother. She shivered just thinking about it. Was Heidi worth that? Nobody had been up until now.
“It’s just not what I expected. I love kids, but I never saw myself having any, that’s all. Because of many reasons. It’s complicated.” Oh. My. God. She should shut up. Tonight, she clearly couldn’t say the right thing.
Heidi shook off Eden’s hands and stood, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair. “I’m going to leave. I think it’s for the best, because you haven’t stopped looking freaked ever since I told you I had a child. That doesn’t go down well with mothers, just in case you were curious.” Anger crossed her features. Eden didn’t like being the author of that, either. “If this isn’t going to work out because of Maya, it’s best to know now, because she’s not going anywhere.” Heidi paused. “A shame though, because I really liked you.”
Heidi gave her one last defeated look, before slinging her red bag over her shoulder and walking out.
The waiter, who had taken Heidi standing up as a sign to take their order, retreated as fast as he’d arrived.
Eden couldn’t think properly, her breath all jammed in her throat. “You’re not the only one,” she whispered.
Chapter 11
When the chilled evening air hit Heidi, she thought she might vomit. But she kept it together. On top of everything, she was dying for a wee. When she was doing her big walking-out speech, like she was on a made-for-TV movie, the entire time, all she could think was ‘I need the loo’. But there had been no way she was going in the restaurant.
She scanned the posh, urban street with its four-storey Georgian terraces with black railings. There was a pub on the next corner down: The Crooked Hare. She walked towards it, pain throbbing in her gut. Once inside, she ignored the bright lights, shiny brass fixtures and clientele, moving swiftly to the loo. She locked the door, put the toilet seat down, then put her head in her hands. The feel of her fingers on her skull was soothing. It was the only thing that was in that moment.
It was safe to say, tonight had not gone to plan. Eden didn’t do kids. Had she said that? Come right out and said those words? Heidi thought so, but she couldn’t be sure.
Her stomach rumbled. She was starving, too. She hadn’t eaten all day, saving her calories for tonight’s restaurant food and booze. But now, she’d had neither of those. Just a healthy dollop of reality spooned onto her plate instead.
She’d read about dating with children when Maya was first born, but then had put it to one side, the enormity of parenthood being enough to cope with. This was her first experience of dating with a child, and she’d fallen at the very first hurdle. The first mention of her daughter, and Eden’s face had curdled like a week-old pint of milk.
Well, fuck her. Heidi didn’t need her or her judgement in her life. This was real life, not the fake version Eden clearly played in. People in their 40s had kids. Normally from previous relationships, yes, be they gay or straight, but she wasn’t so unusual. Eden had made her feel like a freak and she was far from that. She was strong, capable and a great mum.
It was Eden’s loss.
Heidi walked out of the pub head held high, feeling far more robust than when she’d gone in. She glanced down the road, but Eden wasn’t there. She hadn’t run after her to tell Heidi she’d been wrong. Heidi was on her own, just like she had been at the start of the night. Just like she always was.
But Maya was with her parents, and they were having her overnight. Heidi couldn’t face going back to them and admitting what had happened. Because her mother was the same as Eden, wasn’t she? She didn’t think single mothers were a great idea, either. Had she inadvertently gone for a woman who represented her mother? Heidi shuddered. She was fairly sure at least that Eden would not try to make her join the church choir. But she’d also never know if Eden was a karaoke fan or not. She’d never serenade her in a gay bar.
That thought was like a bucket of cold water over her head, and Heidi slumped against the wall of the pub, weighing up what to do next.
She went with the first name that came into her head. Cleo. Even though she was still away. Her best friend picked up after three rings.
“Hello, gorgeous.”
Heidi smiled at the familiar greeting. “Hi.”
Cleo clearly picked up her tone. “What’s up?”
“Not much. I just went out on a date and it didn’t even reach the ordering stage.”
“What?” Cleo cleared her throat, saying something to someone. Probably Becca. “You were on a date? Since when were you on a date?”
“Since you’ve been away in Boston with work, so I haven’t had a chance to tell you.”
“There’s email, you could have told me then.”
“You wouldn’t have been satisfied with email. I was going to tell you after it went well. But it didn’t.”
Cleo was silent for a moment. “Listen, I’m out with clients at the moment so I can’t speak. Can I call you tomorrow?”
Heidi nodded, already pushing herself off the wall. “Sure. No problem.”
“Hang in there.”
Easier said than done. Heidi came to the junction of Great Portland Street and Euston Road. Should she turn around, head back into Soho and have a drink on her own? See if she could chat someone up? But even the thought sent a chill right through her. She didn’t want to do that. She wanted to still be on a date that had been promised to her, to be kissing Eden’s lips after eating glorious tacos.
Cars and red buses rushed by, oblivious to her plight. She pulled her jacket closer around her and sighed. Her best friend was working; even her daughter had a date with her grandparents. Warren Street tube was just around the corner and could take her home. That seemed like a good option. A takeaway and a glass of wine were calling her name.
Chapter 12
Eden got back to her Camden flat unsure about what had just happened. From looking forward to going on her date, she was now stunned and didn’t know what to think. Theoretically, she didn’t want a partner with children. That had never been on her horizon. And yet. She liked Heidi. Once she got over the shock, she’d wanted to talk about it, but Heidi had hightailed it like a bat out of hell.
Maybe she shouldn’t have been so blunt. Maybe she should have used some of those PR skills that people paid her good money for. Had she turned off her relationship emotions, having ducked
out of them in recent years? Maybe. She’d ask Lib. She never held back on telling Eden the truth.
Her flatmate was chewing her way through a bag of Revels when she got in, her face glued to the TV. When she saw Eden, she looked up and said hi. Moments later, she paused the TV.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Lib shouted that at Eden’s back as she breezed into the kitchen like this was an everyday occurrence. They both knew it wasn’t. “You should still be on a date with festival woman, or am I getting it wrong?”
Eden poured herself a glass of water, skulled it, then went to the fridge and grabbed a beer. She hadn’t even had a drink tonight. She needed something to calm her shredded nerves.
“I was meant to be,” she said, walking into the lounge. She slumped down on the other end of her new sofa. Even its welcoming cushions weren’t enough to soothe her. “But she forgot to mention she had a child, and when she dropped that into the conversation, I kinda froze.”
Lib’s mouth formed an ‘O’. “She never said the other night?”
Eden shook her head. “No, and she had ample opportunity. I mean, we spent nearly a whole day together. You’d think her having a daughter would have been a high priority.”
Lib tilted her head. “Maybe, maybe not. Her sister was pretty lit and doing a great impression of someone who wasn’t married, even though she let it slip she actually was. So maybe Heidi was copying her for the day. It’s not the crime of the century.”
“No. But kids. You know me and kids.” Eden splayed her hands like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Lib shook her head “I’ve never seen you around kids. You might be great with them. But you tend to avoid them.”
“Because they’re kids. And kids are unpredictable.”
“So is life, my friend.”
“Not my life.” She’d structured it to be just the way she liked it.
Lib snorted. “Welcome to the world.” She paused. “People have kids, you know. Lesbians, too. I don’t know if it’s escaped your notice, but Issy and Kath have two of them.”
“And look how fucked they are. They don’t know what day it is, they never have any time together, they’re constantly stressed. I mean, it’s no sort of life, is it? They can’t jet off to places whenever they like, they can’t work late. Plus, they always have colds.”
“I’m sure there are upsides, too.” Lib sighed. “And you don’t jet off anywhere, by the way. You’re too busy working and being in control. So those might be upsides to having no kids, but you don’t exploit them.”
“But I could if I wanted to.” Eden sat back, satisfied she’d won the argument. Even though it felt anything but. What was Heidi doing? Was her stomach rumbling as much as Eden’s? Was Heidi feeling like someone had ransacked her feelings, then left them strewn on the floor of her life, too? “It’s not the ending I wanted. I liked her. But I don’t want to be that person to her child. I know what it feels like.”
Lib studied her for a few seconds before answering. “How about this. For now, forget about the kid. Just go out with her and see how it goes. Then, if it goes well, you meet her child.” Lib shook her head. “You’re not dating her kid, remember. You’re dating her.”
“They come as a package.”
“True. But you don’t even know if you two are compatible yet, so you’re kinda jumping the gun.”
Eden shook her head. “I know. But my mother was always out, always looking for the one. In the process, she ignored me. I’m not going to take part in the process for another child to be hurt.” She still remembered how much it hurt when she tried to win her mum’s affection, but always came out second best.
Lib shuffled over, putting both hands on Eden’s shoulders. “I know your history.”
“Sorry, this is just a sensitive topic.” Eden ground her teeth together.
“No shit.” Lib sat forward, holding her gaze. “But not every mother is your mother, is she? My parents went out and left me with family and friends when they needed a night away and I’m glad they did. They were better parents for doing it and came back to me happier. Did you ever think that might be the case with Heidi?”
Eden said nothing, processing Lib’s words. They rolled around her head, but she couldn’t make sense of them quite yet.
“Parents need breaks. Especially single parents. And kids need looking after by other people because their parents might not always be there for them. Heidi was out for her sister’s birthday, and she was out for a date with you. Not the crimes of the century, I’m sure you’ll agree. So don’t put all your parenthood issues onto her. She’s probably a great parent. In fact, I’d bet my house on it. You know why?”
Eden sighed. “Because lesbian parents really want their children, they don’t just happen by accident?”
Lib patted her leg. “I’m glad you remembered that part.” She shook her head, smiling at Eden. “Have a drink, take a breath.”
Eden did as she was told. The sharp hooks of a tension headache were already beginning to sink into her brain.
“I still don’t think dating a woman with a child is for me.” Beyond the mess, she wasn’t sure she was ready to be in a relationship of three. She massaged her temples as she spoke.
Lib stared at her, then shook her head.
“What?” Eden hated it when she did that.
“You’re smart, you know that. You’ve got a big job, a nice flat. But sometimes, you’re stupid. You have all these rules, and yet you forgot the most important one: do you like Heidi? The answer’s yes, right?”
Eden nodded slowly. “But it’s not that simple, is it?”
“It can be if you want it to be. Once you decide that you like her, then you see how you can make it work, what rule you can break. Because if you really wanted to see where it might go, you would try. Or maybe you don’t. Only you know the answer.”
Eden sighed. “What if I don’t know the answer?”
“Try harder.” Lib paused. “Because if you don’t like disorder, I hate to break it to you, but kittens are not controllable and you’re getting one in a few weeks. Maybe 40 is your year of messy? As your best friend, I’d support it wholly.”
Chapter 13
Eden had spent the last two days wondering what to do about Heidi. Could they make it work? She wasn’t sure she was capable of it. Thinking about going for it felt like treading on Lego. However, now she’d woken up to the prospect of something, it had her attention. That kiss had her attention. She was in PR and marketing for fuck’s sake; attention was the lifeblood of her business. Attention was what she spent her life trying to achieve.
Heidi had her attention, but she had no idea how to handle it. Eden didn’t want to be responsible for passing on any residue from her upbringing onto a child. She’d never forgive herself.
“I never wanted you anyway! You’re a millstone round my neck.”
That had been her mother’s favourite phrase.
Work was the perfect distraction. It was something Eden knew, something she was good at. Her life had routine and she liked it. However, Heidi was making her routine harder to focus on. Making her mind rush down unfamiliar roads. Heidi was beckoning her to undo her neatly tied life. Just the thought made Eden sweat.
They’d just had a campaign hit a bunch of national newspapers, which had made the client happy and would raise their company’s stock that little bit higher. Eden would normally have been chuffed to bits about that, but today, her mind was clouded. At least this afternoon she was having a late lunch with India Contelli, which was welcome. Their first meeting had gone well, and India now wanted Eden’s advice on a delicate matter. Eden hoped it was work-related and nothing personal. She was good at solving practical issues. It was emotion she found more tricky.
India was waiting when she arrived at Claridge’s, another reason Eden hadn’t minded leaving the office. Who didn’t like a business meeting that involved a posh dinner? India shook her hand with gusto, before sitting down.
But, despite all of her wealth, India was surprisingly candid with Eden. Also, she was down to earth. If you discounted the bling and having lunch at Claridge’s, India was remarkably normal. Having lunch with a celebrity was at least something to take her mind away from Heidi. Eden was grateful for that.
“Thanks for coming. I’ve ordered a bottle of champagne. From the look on your face, you seem like you could use one.”
Was she that transparent? “It’s certainly been a trying week so far.”
India leaned back as the drinks arrived. “I hope I’m not going to add to your woes. First, the good news. The board loved your ideas, so the contract has been confirmed. Like I said, get this right and the sky’s the limit with us.”
“No pressure.” Eden gave her a smile, pride at winning the contract making her sit up straighter. Work, she could do. This wasn’t how she’d normally talk to a client, especially one with such gravitas. But somehow, she and India had clicked. Maybe it was the gay thing, but Eden felt like she could speak her mind with her, be herself. Johan had said the same when she’d left. India Contelli was a breath of fresh air.
“None at all.” India laughed, then sipped her champagne. “We also have a little crisis on our hands and need your help.”
Eden sat forward. “I’m all ears.”
India leaned over to examine Eden’s lobes. “Very delicate they are too, may I say.”
A warning crept up Eden’s spine as India’s breath caressed her skin. She sat up, frowning. Was India coming on to her? She pushed the thought away, focusing on what India was saying.