by Clare Lydon
“She’s not even two yet. She’s still very impressionable, still learning. You’ll never get this time back with her.”
Much to her annoyance, Heidi thought the same. “You might be surprised to hear I agree with you. But it’s not easy when it’s just me. I’m responsible for the child-rearing and the moneymaking.”
She could see her mum wanted to say ‘I told you so’, but kept her mouth shut. For now. Perhaps Dad had put a word in for her.
“And before you say I knew that when I got pregnant, you’re right. But this is something even two parents struggle with, too.”
“Of course it is. Kids are expensive and exhausting.”
Heidi sat up. Her mum had never said anything like that before. “Just as an aside, were we disgusting as kids?”
Her mum gave a gentle chuckle. “Of course you were. One particular night that sticks in my memory is when you were sick in your bed. I hope Maya never does that to you. Anyway, you were sick, it woke Sarah up, then because you were crying, she got into bed to cuddle you. Thus getting covered in sick, too.”
Heidi recoiled, laughing. “I’m sorry.”
Her mum smiled. “It’s all part of the job.”
“Did Dad help you clear it up?”
Her mum let out a deep laugh. “What do you think? Your father is a lovely man, but not very hands-on when it comes to children.” Her mum took a sip of her wine and sat back.
They’d eaten delicious tuna steaks tonight and Heidi had finished with honeycomb ice cream covered in hot chocolate sauce. Which, for once, she didn’t have to share. It had been divine. Heidi checked her watch. They should get the bill if they wanted to get to the theatre on time.
She hadn’t told Eden it was her birthday on Friday. Their relationship was too new. She’d celebrate this one with close friends and family, but she hoped Eden might be a part of that group soon. They’d left messages on each other’s phones trying to nail down a time when they could meet. Eden was busy till tonight with work. Heidi would try her again tomorrow.
“You know what you need to do with your business?” Her mum leaned back as their bill was brought. She asked for the card machine, and the waiter nodded, turning to get it. “Charge more. That way, your income doesn’t go down, just your hours. Time is what you need to claw back.”
Charge more. Heidi knitted her eyebrows together as a lightbulb lit in her head. Perhaps that was the answer she’d been looking for.
Her mum paid the bill, leaving her tip in cash on the silver tray. “That way, you can make more time for Maya, but also more time for yourself. Because I haven’t stopped banging the drum about you meeting someone, either. You’ll be a better mother if you’re loved and supported by a partner, and Maya will benefit from that, too.”
“Even if it takes away from time spent with her?”
“If you’re happier, she’ll benefit far more from the time you spend with her anyway.”
Maya Snr got up, pushing her chair under the smooth wooden table and tucking her dark greying hair behind her ear. She’d had it cut short recently and it suited her. Her yellow dress was on-point, too, popping against her dark skin. Her mum always said yellow was her spirit colour. Heidi didn’t doubt it.
As they walked out of the restaurant, she threaded her arm through Heidi’s. “We got through that whole meal without me asking you about that new woman. Sarah said you saw her again.” She glanced Heidi’s way. “Is anything happening? I don’t want details, I know how you are. Just a yes or no.”
Heidi ground her teeth together. Why was it that anything her mum asked about her life felt like an intrusion? When Heidi had become a mother, she’d vowed to get closer to her mum, to make their relationship stronger. While they were definitely seeing more of each other since she’d moved and had Maya, Heidi wasn’t sure she’d succeeded in her mission. She needed to open up a little for that to happen.
“Sort of.” The words were thorny coming out of her mouth, but she ploughed on. “It’s early days, but I hope something might come of it. She seems lovely, and she even met Maya last weekend after my babysitter let me down and I had no choice.”
Her mum stopped in her tracks. “She’s met Maya? Isn’t that a bit soon?”
And there it was — the judgement. The implication it wasn’t how her mother would do things. But Heidi’s life wasn’t her mother’s, was it?
“It is what it is, Mum. It was either that or cancel the date, and that wasn’t an option. I introduced her as a friend, and Maya was none the wiser. So relax, Maya’s not scarred for life. Plus, she’s agreed to another date with me, even after meeting Maya.”
“Why wouldn’t she? She’s a wonderful little girl.”
“She’s your granddaughter, you have to say that.” Heidi squeezed her mother’s arm, the cue for them to start walking again.
Two women walking just ahead of them went to walk out the main door of the Royal Festival Hall, but one of them walked straight into the glass door, smacking her head with an audible thwack. Heidi stifled a laugh, but even if her mum had seen it, she kept walking. A few moments passed before she spoke again.
“You’ve got a lot to offer, even with a daughter. Just remember that. Both your dad and I are very proud of you.”
Heidi gulped. Now it was her turn to stop walking. “You already bought me dinner. I know it’s my birthday week, but there’s no need to go overboard.” But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wanted to push them back in. Their relationship wasn’t one where declarations of love and pride were thrown into the air so readily. Yes, they were always there for each other, but putting it into words? That wasn’t their way.
However, if Heidi wanted to change the way they communicated, perhaps it started with accepting compliments and not batting them away as she just had. That’s how she wanted to bring Maya up. She should practise what she preached.
She turned and hugged her mum. She was stiff at first, and Heidi hoped she hadn’t wounded her with her words. “What I meant to say was, thank you. I’m proud to have you as my mum, too.”
Then her mum’s arms were around her, squeezing her tight. A wave of love and warmth spread up Heidi, from the tips of her toes to her scalp. She squeezed her eyes tight shut. Heidi was grateful to have been given the parents she had. She hoped Maya felt the same way one day, too.
When her eyes sprang open, she saw a woman walking in she vaguely recognised, but her brain couldn’t quite place her. A friend of a friend? Facebook friend? Recent guest at a wedding? Heidi met so many new people on a weekly basis, her brain struggled to keep up. Whoever this woman was, she was slickly dressed, with eyes that snagged Heidi’s attention.
Behind her, another sharply dressed woman followed her in, smiling. The first thought that crossed Heidi’s brain was ‘nice suit’. Before she realised who was in the suit.
The name and face that had been reverberating around her brain for the past few weeks.
Eden. Who was laughing at something the other woman was saying.
Heidi had no claim on her, she knew that. Eden could dress however she wanted and walk around laughing with any woman she pleased. It was her life.
The problem was, Eden and this woman looked good together, with their tailored suits and their glossy hair. Did Heidi and Eden look so well matched?
Heidi couldn’t control her response to seeing them together. She wanted to spring out of her mother’s grasp and rush over to Eden, pushing her companion away.
She knew who she was now. It was India Contelli, one of the most eligible lesbians in the UK. But it wasn’t the famous lesbian Heidi was interested in. Nope, her heart was pulling in the direction of Eden Price.
Yes, they were just walking and laughing. But that was enough. Seeing Eden and India together made her stomach plummet in a way it hadn’t done in years.
Heidi and Eden had kissed once, and had two terrible dates since. They hadn’t exchanged vows or even slept together. Despite that, Heidi was already thinking
in terms of Eden being hers. Heidi and Eden. It had a ring to it.
Even if this was a business meeting — she knew they were working together — Heidi hadn’t thought they were on such good terms that they’d go for a drink together. Go for dinner. Then do whatever they might do after that. The punch of reality winded her.
Eden had said she was working tonight. This might be work. But every emotional brake Heidi had was screeching as she pressed them.
As Heidi pulled back from her mother’s embrace, Eden and India walked past, oblivious. Then India put out a hand and touched Eden’s arm as she said something. Eden didn’t shake it off.
Heidi froze. If her heart had been soaring, Eden had just taken aim and hit it first time. Was this a work thing, or was there something more? She wanted to think it wouldn’t happen, but it could. They hadn’t discussed anything about being exclusive. Hell, they’d hardly managed an hour together, just the two of them. Whereas Eden and India were disappearing up the stairs to the bar now, enjoying each other’s company uninterrupted.
“You’ve got a lot to offer, even with a daughter.” Wasn’t that what her mother had said? She knew it was true, but was it enough for Eden? Would her head be turned by India Contelli?
More laughter sailed down the stairs as the pair disappeared from view.
Heidi closed her eyes as her mum took hold of her arm.
“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
Chapter 22
As Eden walked through the glass door into the restaurant bar, a trickle of something familiar slid down her senses. What was it? She glanced around the semi-full bar, but couldn’t see anyone she knew. She stopped for a moment as India walked on ahead, and then it hit her.
The smell. Or rather, Heidi’s smell. But also, the hint of geranium.
She twisted her neck as she always did when she smelled it. Did she expect her gran to be stood there? Sometimes. More likely, someone in the restaurant was wearing Heidi’s perfume, or her gran’s. Eden did a final check. Definitely no Heidi. That was important. She didn’t want her getting the wrong idea.
When she glanced back up, India was already sat at the bar, smiling in her direction. “Everything okay?”
Eden nodded. “Fine.” She packed away her thoughts and focused on her client. “You’re sitting at the bar. I would have thought you were more used to sitting at tables.”
India smiled. “I guess you don’t know me very well, do you?” She ordered a tequila and tonic from the barman, and Eden asked for a gin and tonic.
“You’re on telly. You’re a bit posh. Surely you don’t like bar stools.”
India laughed. “I’ve spent my life fighting against my background. Yes, I come from money, I can’t help that. But I try to treat people well, do the right thing. Just because I was brought up with a silver spoon in my mouth, doesn’t mean I’m a fan of silver.” She leaned forward. “Plus, in the movies, the people who sit on bar stools are always the coolest. Everyone knows that.”
The barman brought the drinks and India thanked him, slipping him a tip there and then. “Here’s to us working together. A dream partnership.”
Eden clinked her glass to India’s and took a sip. The scent of Heidi’s perfume was still clinging to her nose.
“So tell me, why the change of heart on our date? Is it because I have money? Or that I’ve had a snippet of fame? Because if it’s either of those, they shouldn’t have a bearing on us. I’m just a regular person behind it all.”
Eden doubted that. Eden had been brought up by her grandmother and they’d sometimes not had enough money for food. She knew poverty far more intimately than she let on. Which was why she treasured money now, perhaps more than was healthy.
“It’s not that. I met someone just before I met you, but things weren’t finished. We met up again recently, and there’s something there. It’s not gone smoothly so far, but I can’t ignore how I feel about her.” Eden’s heart was banging against her bones as she spoke. She wasn’t sure what was going on. But something was. She could feel it in her heart and in her soul.
“So I was just a little bit too late.” India stirred her drink. “Story of my life.” She shook her head. “My last girlfriend cheated on me, so I understand complications as well as the next person.”
Eden shook her head. “There’s been no cheating. Just a bit of miscommunication, that’s all.” She paused. “If it makes you feel better, I’d say your last girlfriend was an idiot.”
“Thanks.” India smiled. “You’re not so bad yourself.” She sighed. “It’s a shame, because most people want the famous me, the India they see on the TV or in the boardroom. You don’t, which I like. I can just be a regular woman, too. I can be hurt.” She put a hand to her face. “You know what, ignore me. This drink is clearly going to my head even after two sips. I’m being far too melancholy for a celebratory drink, aren’t I?”
Eden smiled. “You can be whatever you want to be.”
India put out a hand and rested it on Eden’s arm. “That’s the thing, I normally can’t. But with you, I can.” She exhaled. “Talk about wrong time, wrong place.”
Eden swallowed. She had to handle this with care, she knew. “I’d say more right time for business, wrong time for love.”
India looked up and held her gaze. “You’re right.” She drained her drink and signalled for another. After the hefty tip, the bartender didn’t need telling twice. “If nothing else, I’m excited about what this campaign might achieve. It’s about time we shook up middle England, isn’t it?” Then she wound her fingers around Eden’s wrist and held on tight, leaning in until her lips were inches from Eden’s. “But if things don’t work out with this woman, let me know, okay?”
Chapter 23
“And how acrobatic do you like to be? Do you like shots where you’re jumping?”
The groom was called Stuart and his face told Heidi he wasn’t a jumper. “Not really what we had in mind.” He glanced at Tiffany, the bride, for confirmation of that. She nodded her head more than she needed to.
Heidi tapped her keyboard and smiled. “No to action shots, got it. It’s just that they’re very popular right now.” Heidi had spent countless minutes getting brides, grooms and their wedding parties jumping in time. She had a fool-proof system.
“I was thinking more classic. Like the ones on your website. Looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands, standing in front of our wedding cars. Just the regular kind of stuff.” That was Tiffany again, who was looking at Stuart for reassurance. These two were a match made in vanilla heaven.
“Classic shots. Got it. I think that’s everything. Looking forward to capturing the perfect memories of your big day.”
Stuart and Tiffany beamed. They loved that last line, couples always did. It spoke to the heart. Today, her heart was the very last thing Heidi wanted to think about. Not when India Contelli might be vying with her. She wasn’t sure she could compete with a celebrity.
As Heidi got on the tube to pick Maya up from nursery, she settled into her seat and read the ads overhead. But the first one her eyes settled on was for a dating website.
She closed her eyes. It was only four stops to home.
The nursery was situated a five-minute walk from her house, right beside a kids’ playground. Heidi was 15 minutes early, so decided to wait. She walked across the deserted space and sat down on one of the swings, the metal ropes digging into her sides. They weren’t built for adults. The playground was laid with springy outdoor flooring, daffodils lining its edges.
This afternoon, she was going to draw with Maya, and do some gardening with her. Quality time, as her mother would say. How she’d be impressed with Heidi’s parenting skills today. Heidi was looking forward to some time with her daughter. To focus on something that wasn’t Eden.
Her phone buzzing in her pocket broke her thoughts and she pulled it out. A message from her sister. Heidi clicked. When she read the message, her stomach lurched.
‘I think you should have a look at these pics. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but this is your Eden, right?’
Something cold slithered down Heidi’s back. She didn’t want to click, but she did anyway.
An image of Eden and India filled her screen. They were sitting at the bar at the same restaurant she and her mother had gone to last night. The caption read: ‘India Contelli, enjoying a drink with a mystery woman.’ Nothing more, just a statement of fact.
Heidi pushed her foot on the ground, pocketing her phone. Then she gripped the metal chains, closed her eyes, tucked her legs under, then out, until she began to swing. With the sun on her face and the sound of traffic in her ears, she tuned out the noise in her head. The noise telling her to believe her thoughts. She was successful for a couple of minutes.
But when she opened her eyes again, the imprint of India’s and Eden’s faces were all she saw floating in the sky above. The picture was grainy, but showed India leaning in, and Eden laughing. One thing was for sure, they didn’t look like they were talking business.
Heidi pumped her legs some more, going higher and higher. Kids never had thoughts like these on swings, did they? Kids were in the moment, happy. She could learn a lot from them.
Heidi needed to speak to Eden, if Eden still wanted to talk to her.
She hadn’t missed this part about dating.
The uncertainty.
The part that made you feel like you were going mad.
Chapter 24
Eden shook her head at the photo. Someone at the bar must have snapped it. Eden’s first taste of secondhand fame left a nasty taste in her mouth. India wasn’t a face everyone would recognise, but she was a public figure. She’d had two TV series that had garnered a cult following on BBC2. Plus, she was outspoken, and constantly on news debates about LGBT issues. India was news.
But holy fuck, Eden and Heidi were still too fragile for this. Had she seen the photos? Would she be reading more into it? Eden would be if the shoe was on the other foot.