Home

by Jenn Alexander

  And just like that everything was right in the world again.

  “Tell me all about the job. Is it everything you dreamed of? Is Texas still Texas? Has your neighbor figured out that you’re a lesbian and started a prayer circle to save you from the satanic lure of the ladies?”

  Rowan laughed. “And then some, yes, and probably. Every time I go in to work, I still feel like it’s a dream. Like, am I really working in Daniel Stanford’s kitchen? It’s hard. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. And I’m not perfect at it, but I’m managing, and I’ve already grown so much as a chef. No more cutting potatoes into little fucking footballs until my fingers ache.”

  She thought about the shifts she’d worked so far. None of them had been flawless, the way she’d have liked. Each night there was a steak or two that got sent back, a little overcooked or a little undercooked. But she tried hard not to let that shake her confidence. The amount of moving parts that were on the go in any one night made perfection nearly impossible. She didn’t think she was doing too badly. Between Kate and the move and work, she had a million things on her mind, and yet she was able to focus enough to get most of the steaks done flawlessly.

  “I’m so proud of you,” Alycia said, and Rowan could hear that the statement was genuine.

  “And the food here . . .” she continued, shifting the focus off her work. “My God, it’s a foodie paradise. I can’t wait to show you, Kris, and Hannah around. I went out for BBQ tonight and tried the smoked brisket. It was so good, and now I’m in a food coma. I understand now why Texas is the gold standard of BBQ in America.”

  Alycia laughed. “I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

  Rowan sobered, wanting to be honest with her best friend. “There’s parts of this move that I love, truly. But it’s been rough. I still haven’t unpacked any of my stuff. I’m so glad that I’m here. I want to try all of the food, and I want to learn all of the grilling techniques. But I don’t want to live here. It’s hard to see this place as home. I know this move is good for me, and it’s my dream job, but I miss my family and friends. I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” Alycia said. “It’s not the same without you here. I was watching some bad horror movies last weekend, and it wasn’t half as fun without you there to laugh at them with me. Julie couldn’t stop rolling her eyes at the bad graphics, and I was like, ‘but that’s what makes this movie so great!’ She didn’t get it.”

  “Julie?” Rowan asked.

  “Oh my God,” Alycia said. “It really has been forever since we’ve talked. Have I not told you about Julie?”

  “Um, no,” Rowan said, and her mind flashed back to the Instagram post she’d seen . . . the fourth woman standing in her place, with her friends.

  “Wow,” Alycia said. “Julie’s my new girlfriend. We’ve been together, well, almost two months now, I guess.”

  The words were a punch to Rowan’s stomach. “Two months?”

  “Yeah,” Alycia said. “We met shortly after you moved. She’s so great. It hasn’t been that long, but I really think she might be the one. You’d love her. She’s a teacher, smart, caring, sexy as hell, and she treats me so well.”

  “I’m happy for you,” Rowan said. She knew the words sounded flat, but they were the best she could manage, given the giant knot in her stomach. Alycia had been in a relationship for two months, and this was the first Rowan was hearing about it.

  “How about you?” Alycia asked. “Have you met anyone in Texas? Is there even a queer scene there or do you have to go underground?”

  Kate’s gentle smile came to mind, and the knot in Rowan’s stomach eased a little. “I’ve maybe met someone. We’re still figuring out what exactly it is.”

  “Tell me more,” Alycia said. “I want to know all of the details.”

  She didn’t particularly want to talk. She wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and not think about the fact that her best friend had been in a relationship for two months without telling her. But Alycia’s eagerness came through, and thinking about Kate made her feel a little better.

  “Do you remember that cattle ranch I was sent to for work? To pick up the steaks? She works there. She’s been showing me around Texas, she took me to the rodeo of all things, and we’ve kissed a couple times. There’s not much to tell beyond that.”

  “She’s a cattle rancher?” Alycia asked with a laugh. Behind the amusement, Rowan could hear a note of judgment in her friend’s voice.

  A wave of defensiveness washed over her. “It’s her family’s ranch. You should see the place. The property is gorgeous, complete with Texas longhorns and horses. She actually taught me to ride.”

  This made Alycia laugh harder. “You on a horse? It all sounds like something out of a Western movie. So very Texan. Does she talk with the silly accent, and say ‘y’all’?”

  The defensiveness swelled bigger. “Everyone here says ‘y’all.”

  “That’s so cute,” Alycia said. “I can picture it in my mind. I’m glad you’re happy, Rowan. If I get a chance to come visit, you’ll have to introduce me to her.”

  If she got a chance to visit. Not when. Before Rowan moved, Alycia had talked almost nonstop about coming down to visit her, but now that visit was moved from the planning category to the maybe category, which pretty much meant it was in the never category.

  “I will,” was all Rowan said.

  “I’m glad we finally got the chance to catch up,” Alycia said. “It’s been too damn long, bestie. But I’ve got to run, because Julie is coming over. Talk again soon?”

  “Yeah, of course,” she said, thinking all the while that the radio silence had not been from her end.

  She said good-bye to Alycia and hit “end” on her phone. Even just last year Alycia would have called Rowan after every date for a full recap, good or bad. Now her best friend was in a relationship, and she hadn’t even thought to tell Rowan.

  She watched the fountains shoot water in rhythmic plumes until her breathing steadied and anger began to replace the sadness within her. She had moved to Texas for her dream job. It wasn’t some whim. And despite the distance she was doing her best to keep in contact with Alycia. That contact had to go two ways. She would never have thought that their friendship was so fragile it couldn’t handle distance, but if it was, then she didn’t know why she should bother trying at all. This move was the hardest thing she’d ever done. She needed her friends. And yet Alycia didn’t seem to care that she was sitting in her apartment, lonely and homesick.

  Rowan missed Portland like hell, but suddenly it seemed like the things she was holding onto were not entirely worth it.

  She looked around Sundance Square and pictured Kate there with her. It was easy to envision sitting across from Kate with a coffee and a pastry, holding hands, talking, laughing.

  This place was unfamiliar and not entirely likable. But it wasn’t entirely unlikable, either. Kate was here, and that reason alone was worth giving Texas a chance. She could enjoy being a tourist for a while. Maybe she could even find herself liking her life in Texas.

  Chapter Ten

  Kate shoveled fresh straw into the horse stalls in the barn. Her limbs were heavy with exhaustion from the physical labor she’d done all morning, and yet she didn’t slow as she systematically cleaned each stall. She enjoyed the work. It was an almost hypnotic task, and she allowed herself to get lost in the simple, repetitive movements. It was exactly what she needed. Mindless, yet busy enough it kept her thoughts from wandering. From worrying about paying off her dad’s medical bills to her dad’s anger at her when she tried to help him with his therapy, she was mentally and emotionally drained. Add to that the guilt over her last conversation with Rowan, and she felt like an all-around failure.

  “You want a hand with that?” Dean asked from the doorway of the barn, pulling her from her thoughts.

  “I’m good, Dean. Thanks.”

  Dean made no move to leave. “It’s just that you usually have customers come by on Friday
morning, don’t you?”

  Was it really Friday?

  Kate looked at her watch which confirmed that it was in fact Friday and that it was already nearly midmorning. Which meant Rowan would be coming by to pick up the steaks for the restaurant. She came by to pick up beef on Mondays and Fridays.

  “Shoot,” she murmured under her breath.

  She wasn’t ready to see Rowan. She hadn’t heard from her since their taco dinner, and she was fairly certain their conversation had painted her as a crazy U-Haul lesbian, insisting that Rowan commit to her and Texas. Any spark that had existed between the two of them had surely been extinguished, and while she wanted to protect herself she had not intended on humiliating herself in the process, which was precisely what she had done.

  It was barely their third date, and she had practically begged Rowan to promise that she would never leave.

  “Do you think that you could handle the customer orders today?” Kate asked.

  Dean looked at her for a long moment. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

  She nodded. “I’m just really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I don’t know that I’m much of a people person today.”

  Dean looked nervous, and she could see he was wavering over whether or not he could fill the orders.

  “You wouldn’t have to do much,” she promised. “It’s just the one order today. Rowan from On the Range will come by. Her order is prepackaged in coolers, labeled with her invoice number. All you have to do is take the check and fill out a receipt. They’re in the top left drawer of the desk. You can leave the check in there as well. It’s really easy. You can call me if you have any problems, but I promise you’ll be fine.”

  Dean nodded, but he didn’t leave the barn. He stepped toward where she was working, and leaned against the side of the stall.

  “Why don’t you take a couple of days off?” he suggested. “You’re working yourself to death. Owen and I can handle the ranch. Take the weekend. I’ll come in Saturday and Sunday this week.”

  Kate saw the concern on his face. He wanted so badly to help her out. The truth was she didn’t know what she’d do with a couple of days off. She felt like she was out in the middle of the ocean. If she was working, she was treading water. If she stopped, she’d drown. Everything would be too overwhelming. The only thing she could do was to keep up with the routine. Keep the ranch going. Keep her dad going. Keep going.

  “I’m good,” she promised.

  Dean pursed his lips and nodded. He clearly wanted to say more, but then he straightened and put on his usual smile. Kate was glad to see that he wasn’t going to push the matter.

  “I’ve got the customers today.” He clasped her shoulder as he stood and exited the barn.

  “Thanks,” she called, before turning back to the straw, using the pitchfork to spread it in an even layer along the floor of the stall.

  She progressed from one stall to the next, steadily cleaning out and replacing the dirty straw, ensuring each stall had a soft cushion for the horses.

  She didn’t hear the barn door open and jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

  She turned to find Rowan standing in front of her, stifling a laugh.

  “What are you doing here?” Kate asked, as she tried to will her heart rate to come back down to normal.

  Rowan shrugged so casually it was almost infuriating. “It’s Friday. I pick up the steaks for our weekend service on Friday.”

  “Yes, I’m well aware,” Kate said. “Dean said he would take care of payments for me while I finished up the milking.”

  Rowan nodded, still visibly trying to keep herself from smiling. “Yeah. I’m all paid and good to go. I thought I would stop by and see you before I left.”

  Rowan shifted ever so slightly forward. Kate felt as though the barn shrank around her with that simple move. The air between them hummed. Her body ached to move closer, to close the distance. Her mind shouted at her to move back, to protect herself. Kate stood in place.

  “You scared me half to death,” she said, trying to look angry, but she was fighting a smile now as well.

  “I’m . . . sorry.” Rowan barely managed to get the words out.

  Kate swatted her shoulder. “You are not.”

  Rowan batted her eyelashes at Kate, looking as innocent as possible, and this time Kate couldn’t stop the laughter.

  “Don’t try to cute your way out of this,” she said.

  “Is that what I’m doing?” Rowan asked, again with that subtle shift forward.

  Kate nodded and swallowed. “Yes. I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re doing. It’s not fair. You’re too adorable.”

  “I’m dashing and charming,” Rowan said, pulling her shoulders back and standing a little taller.

  “Whatever you say.” Kate rolled her eyes, but internally agreed with Rowan’s claim.

  “That’s right.” Rowan’s smile got wider, and Kate was further pulled into the warmth. She had to stop herself from getting too caught up in Rowan.

  “So,” Kate started, “you got your steaks.”

  Rowan nodded.

  “And yet here you are.”

  Rowan nodded again. “Very astute observation.”

  This time she took a small step forward, and Kate put a hand out to stop her. She couldn’t take the closeness. It was too much. Too intense.

  “Rowan,” she began.

  “I know,” Rowan said. “I went out last night to explore Fort Worth.”

  Kate arched an eyebrow, not sure how the conversation gone off to that sudden tangent.

  “And I unpacked a couple of boxes.” Rowan took her hand. “I know I don’t have roots here. I get why that’s scary. But you’re right. I should make more of an effort to actually be here. This is where I live now. I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

  Kate swallowed, simultaneously wanting to believe Rowan and wanting to keep her guard up. Hope swelled within her and she tried desperately to tamp it down.

  “I wanted to see you,” Rowan said. “That’s why I came to the barn. I’ve missed you. And I wanted to ask if you had plans for the Fourth of July?”

  Rowan’s eyes were clear pools, and she sank into them. This time she was the one who shifted closer.

  “I hadn’t given it any thought,” she said.

  “Come with me to the Fort Worth Fourth? I read about it online, and it looks like a really big event.”

  Kate nodded. “I’ve been a few times. You’ll like it. You can try all of the Texas deep-fried creations, along with tubing on the Trinity River and of course a Texas-caliber fireworks show.”

  “What does that even mean, Texas-caliber?”

  “You’ll see when we go,” Kate said.

  “So you’re in?”

  Kate nodded. “For the Fourth I’m in. But you’re going to have to stop being so adorable. It’s making it really hard to play things safe.”

  “Keep being adorable,” Rowan said. “Got it.”

  Rowan winked and turned to leave the barn, and Kate sank down onto a stool.

  Yeah, there was nothing safe about any of this.

  ❊ ❊ ❊

  Rowan thought of Kate as she worked, her mind flashing to Kate’s warm smile, and her gentle posture as she’d stood across from Rowan in the barn. It had been so tempting to close the distance between the two of them. She had been sure Kate wouldn’t have stopped her. That electric hum between the two of them, they’d both felt it, she knew. But she wanted more than just a kiss in the barn, no matter how great a kiss it would have been. She wanted to show Kate that she was sticking around.

  “Rowan,” Daniel called, interrupting her thoughts. She could hear the impatience in his voice. “Tell me, what’s wrong with this steak?”

  She looked down at the steak in question, and her stomach dropped. One side of the steak had dark brown grill marks, while the other side looked like it had barely touched the grill. “The sear is uneven,” she said quietly.

  “Pay atten
tion to your work,” he said. “Even sear. All of the cuts. No excuses.”

  “Yes, chef.”

  He let out a frustrated breath of air and went back to expediting orders, leaving her burning with embarrassment. It was clear that he was losing his patience with her. The first few shifts, he’d been gentle in his corrections, helping her grow into her role. Now, he sounded frustrated, and even a little angry.

  She was angry with herself. She never should have plated that steak. Daniel Stanford expected perfection, and that steak was about as far from perfection as you could get. The uneven sear meant that it would also have an uneven cook, with part of it being rare, while the other side edged closer to well-done. She’d been in the kitchen long enough now to know better, and yet not only had she not noticed and corrected the issue while cooking the steak, but she hadn’t noticed when she’d pulled it off the grill and plated it.

  She’d been distracted and had made a stupid novice mistake.

  A mistake that had no place in any professional kitchen, and certainly not Daniel Stanford’s kitchen.

  The heat on her face had nothing to do with the grill she stood behind. She blew out a long breath and looked up at the next order before tossing a T-bone steak and a pork tenderloin onto the grill.

  Tell me what’s wrong with this steak.

  The anger had been evident in his voice. Anger and disappointment.

  She tried to push the memory of that anger from her mind, but she heard his voice over and over, an awful echo.

  She had worked in kitchens her entire adult life. She knew that it wasn’t a career for the weak. Through culinary school, she’d watched her peers get ripped apart over little details: forgotten garnishes, vegetables chopped unevenly, sauces too thick or too thin . . . Mistakes weren’t taken lightly, and so she didn’t make mistakes. She prided herself in her perfection. Attention to detail. Getting things exactly right.

  She wasn’t the one who got yelled at for something as careless as an uneven sear.

  She pulled the T-bone and the pork tenderloin off the grill and slid them down the line, and then tossed two sirloins and a filet mignon onto the grill.