She sauntered up to me, hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She was nervous for sure. She took a deep breath before tapping me on the shoulder. When I turned around, she tried hard not to jerk back—or leave altogether. I never smiled. “What?” I barked.
She squared her shoulders, not about to back out now, and smiled brightly. “Um, I’m sorry to bother you. I was just wondering…”
“Listen, let me stop you there. I’m not interested. I’m sure you’re a lovely girl. I’m not a lovely guy.” I took a step back, putting distance between us and pointed across the room. “Try him. He might be interested.”
I turned back around as if she’d never been there.
“No, I’m sorry. You misunder—”
I never bothered to turn around and face her again. “Well unless you’re selling Girl Scout cookies, what other possible reason would you have to come over here and approach me? Whatever you’re sellin’, I’m not buyin’.”
Tears welled in the young girl’s eyes, and her bottom lip quivered. She turned to run away before I could see them fall. Her face was flushed red with embarrassment. She returned to her friend, who stood waiting at the entrance to the door.
“So, did he say he’d help? I know we’re supposed to be super powered now, but that couch is still really heavy to carry across the campus to our new apartment.”
The girl shook her head. “No, he won’t be helping. We’ll just carry it ourselves. C’mon, you take that side.”
“Damn. I really hoped he’d help. He’s one of the biggest guys in there. This would be a piece of cake with him helping. Did he say why?”
“No. Just forget it. We don’t need him. Trust me, you don’t want anything to do with him.”
I closed my eyes against the visual attack. “I am a selfish prick.” The need to find Nathanial completely overtook my ability to be a civil, decent human being.
“I tried to tell you.” Marco moved around and sat at a desk behind him. He motioned for us to sit and we complied. My legs, wobbly from the horror of the shell of a person I’d become, clung to the chair like it was a life raft.
I hated the person I had seen in those memories. I hated the weakness I felt, and I hated the pathetic, spineless bastard who clung to a chair and thought only of himself. “How did I become this?” I wondered aloud, to no one in particular. Even I wanted to punch myself.
James sighed next to me. “You have a huge heart. Your capacity to love, and empathize, and your desire to help others is what made you a strong candidate for this job. But your heart filled with grief, and you allowed it to consume you.”
“Good God, how did you even put up with me?”
Marco snorted, causing James to shoot him a look that I’m sure had choice words behind it before he turned back to me. “We understood. We’d all been there. You just took longer to move on than most.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not able to look either of them in the eye. “I am so sorry. I promise, I’ll do a better job from now on. This was the wake-up call I needed.”
Marco paced the room for a few minutes before he turned and plopped down in the oversized chair behind his desk. “I can help with the information you’re seeking, by the way, but not because you want me to.”
“Then why?”
“I have my reasons.”
I couldn’t just let it go at that. It didn’t make any sense. “Why would you do this for me? Why would you want to help me? What do you get out of it?” I couldn’t make sense of the fact that he just called me a selfish prick and in the next breath was offering to do me a favor.
He took a few minutes to answer, seeming to gather his thoughts, and wouldn’t look me directly in the eye when he did. “I know who you are, Max Kensington. I know what you are. There are great things ahead for you. But none of it will matter if you’re still stuck in the past.”
“What do you mean, ‘who I am’? What are you talking about?”
Marco shook his head. “It’s not my place to say. But you’ll find out soon enough. For now, let’s just focus on getting the information you requested.” He stood up and grabbed his coat and hat. “C’mon, we’re getting to the bottom of this now.”
Twenty minutes, two stops, and three realm changes later we all sat in a decrepit pub somewhere in Northern Ireland. Marco assured me that he had a contact here who would get us the information on Nathanial, but that said-contact was a little skittish, and I would need to owe Marco several different favors for the strings he was pulling. I, of course, agreed without hesitation.
We took on a corporeal form while on Earth and found a table in the back of the pub. I walked to the bar and ordered three pints (thankful that as a Patronus I had a small expense account for situations such as this) and wandered back to where Marco and James sat.
“So why did we have to meet all the way out here?” I asked.
“Because they have the best corned beef and cabbage this side of Dublin.” He waved his hand to get the waiter’s attention. “And don’t forget the ale. This single stout is far and away better than anything you could find anywhere else in the world.”
I shook my head. How could I argue with that? “So when does your friend get here?”
“Let me stop you right there. First, Dixon is not my friend. He’s a connection I have who supplies me with information in return for favors. In this case, you will grant him said favors. Second, stop asking questions. I’m doing enough for you as it is. I don’t want to have to hear you prattle on and on for the next few hours.”
“Few hours? I thought this guy was on his way?”
“That’s another question,” he countered.
James cut in, sensing an ensuing argument. “So tell us about Dixon, Marco. Anything we should watch out for?”
“Let me see. First, he’s an elf. So you know you need to watch your belongings.”
“Why’s that?” I interrupted. Marco refused to answer (I had used my allotment of questions apparently) so I turned to James.
“Because elves are known pick-pockets,” James answered, rolling his eyes. “They can’t seem to help themselves.”
“Huh,” I mused. “I’ve never met an elf. I didn’t realize they existed.”
“Oh, lots of things exist, Max. They just prefer their privacy and don’t advertise like the damn vampires seem to.” Marco took another swig of his pint, washing down the last of his meal before he pushed his plate in the center of the table. He seemed to be speaking to me again, so I used the opportunity to get a few more answers.
“So what else can you tell us about him?”
“He cusses like a sailor, he loves to pick fights, and he has an IQ twice the size of a human. Oh, and he has a photographic memory so he remembers everything he’s ever seen…and read. And Max?”
“Yeah?”
“He’s read The Book of Eternal Fate.”
The beer James held slipped from his hands, sending the warm ale splashing all over the table and our arms. I glanced over at James, concerned. His eyes were wide with something—surprise, fear, shock—I wasn’t quite sure. Something had him rattled though.
“What’s the Book of Eternal Fate?”
James and I hurried to wipe up the beer with a cloth the barkeep threw our way before it reached the edges of the table. Marco ignored the mess, never offering to help, and answered me. “The Book of Eternal Fate is the book that lists all human souls and what will become of them so long as there is no supernatural interference.”
“So there’s no free will? People are just in a set pattern that they can’t control?” I was outraged. Did this mean that it was fated that Grace would be violently murdered? How was that fair in any way?
James finished mopping up his mess and answered me. “No, it’s not like that. It’s more like it lists peoples’ natural tendencies and aptitudes. If you’re inclined to become a doctor or teacher or carpenter, this will show you going down that path. It will show which soul you’re meant to be with and the childre
n you’re meant to bear. It can also show things like if you’re predisposed for an illness.”
“Yes,” Marco interrupted. “The Alpha’s book is heavily guarded for obvious reasons. If a supernatural organization were to get its hands on it, it would be easy pickins for them. But Dixon was able to sneak a look at it a while back. And with that brain of his, he’ll be able to tell us what is to become of your boy.”
I took a swig of my beer to try to counter the tears that now threatened in my eyes. I was finally getting some answers and couldn’t express my thanks to Marco and James enough.
“Ugh! Quit being such a pansy.” Marco rolled his eyes as he made gagging noises. “You don’t have to thank me, just remember that you owe me now. And I fully intend to collect.”
I wiped my eyes on my shirt sleeve. “Right, sorry. Forgot you could do that.”
“Just don’t do it again,” he teased, his lips quirked briefly before he forced them back to a frown. “Ah, here comes Dixon now.”
Chapter Four
The elf was hard to see in the large crowd until he appeared almost directly in front of me. I stood a good two feel taller than him, so I kept seated to minimize the difference. The elf nodded at each of us in greeting but did not take a seat.
“Dixon, you asshole, give the man his wallet back and go grab a pint. He only has a couple of quid in there anyway.” Marco’s tone was playful, but his face was deadly serious.
I looked down as the elf reached into his jacket and pulled out my wallet and handed it back to me with a smile. “Nice ta meet ‘cha. I’m Dixon. Ya must be Max. No hard feelings about the wallet, right?”
I looked over at James, flabbergasted at how to respond. He hadn’t even touched me. How had he taken my wallet? And I’m supposed to be okay with it? I wanted to sucker punch him.
James shrugged his shoulders and took another swig. Well, he was no help. I snatched my wallet from the elf and replaced it in my back pocket. I didn’t bother to respond to his half-assed apology and went straight to the point. “Marco tells me you have some information from the Book of Eternal Fate that you can share with me.”
Dixon looked at Marco and scowled. Apparently, that was not supposed to be public knowledge. I was beyond caring at this point. I’d been dragged halfway around the world and had my wallet stolen. I was out of pleasantries.
“Ya got a big mouth, Marco,” Dixon growled. “It’s gonna getcha in trouble one of these days—angel or not.”
“Pfft! Trouble with whom? You?” Marco rolled his eyes. “Not bloody likely. Just tell the boy what he wants to know and we’ll be on our way.”
“And just why should I?”
“Because if not for me, your sorry arse woulda been cooked more times than I can count. You owe me, or don’t you remember Luxemburg?”
Dixon sneered, his nostrils flaring. “Fine, but consider us even after this.”
“Oh no, you still owe me after Chennai and Hong Kong too. And besides, it’s the kid who’ll owe you one. He’s good for it, you have my word.”
“You’re pushin’ your luck, Marco.”
Watching these two was like watching an intense tennis match. So much back and forth out loud, I could only imagine what was being said behind those glares. But Marco seemed more amused than angry, so at least I wasn’t going to have to pry them apart. Ironically James, who often mediated quibbles between Patroni, ignored the entire scene.
“What’s the name and birth date?” Dixon grumbled, finally relenting.
“Nathanial Kensington, born April 10, 1878 . Though he might be going under another name since he was kidnapped.” My heart pounded in my chest in anticipation. I needed this closure so I could move on.
“Doesn’t matter. Everything is listed by birth name and date.” He closed his eyes and stretched his neck around in a slow circle. “Okay, just gimme a minute. It’s a lot of information to sort through in here.” He pointed to his head.
James stood, heading toward the bar with Marco right behind him. They knew I needed some time alone to process, and I appreciated that. I sat stone still while Dixon did…whatever he was doing.
Guilt had eaten away at so much of me for so long, what was I going to do with myself once I was rid of it? Could I lead a normal existence? Have friends? Go out and have a good time? I knew Grace would want me to do that. She’d want me to be happy again, I just wasn’t sure I knew how. Every day since her death had been a struggle; would knowing Nathanial’s fate allow that to simply disappear? I doubted it, but I still hoped it would ease its hold on me.
“Ah, here it is!” Dixon announced, breaking me out of my thoughts. I held my breath as I waited for his next words. “Feckin Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” he breathed. “I had no idea. I’m sorry, Max. If I’d realized, I wouldn’t have been such a tool.”
My eyes squinted in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“That you’re—”
“Dixon!” Marco yelled as he made his way to the table once again, interrupting whatever he was about to say. “Don’t. Just tell him what he needs to know. No more.”
“You mean he doesn’t even—”
“No. And he’s not supposed to. Not yet. So just out with it.”
Dixon looked shocked, which surprised me and piqued my curiosity, but I knew Marco would never spill whatever secret he was guarding. Dixon shook his head, as if to clear it, and mumbled, “Amazing,” under his breath. He cleared his throat and spoke directly to me.
“Nathanial is fine. His keeper, Beth Ann, will abandon him outside a church before succumbing to pneumonia within the year. He’ll be adopted by a good family, the Slaters, and grow to be a carpenter. He’ll marry a wonderful woman named Ruth and will have four children, three boys and a girl. He will live a long life and his soul will move on peacefully.”
I sagged against the table, grateful it was there to support my now-weak legs. “Thank you,” I whispered. The words seemed wholly inadequate for the gift he’d just given me, but they were the only ones I seemed to be able to form.
Dixon nodded once and left without a word. James too had returned, handing me a pint. “I thought you might need this.”
My shaky hands spilled a few drops as I lifted the glass to my lips and took several deep swallows, finishing the ale in seconds. “Another.”
James handed me a second and I repeated the process before slamming the empty glass down on the table and wiping my face with my sleeve.
“You okay there?” James asked. “It was positive news, right?”
I nodded but kept my eyes down. “Yes, it was fantastic news. It’s just a lot to process and I have so many of emotions hitting me at once. I’m gonna need some time. Can we just go back so I can be alone for a bit?”
“Uh, yeah. We can go back. But, Max, you’re not going to be alone. Remember Adam moves in today.”
Shit. I’d forgotten. “Can you guys go back without me? I think I’m going to walk around for a little bit. I’ll join you back on our realm in a few hours.”
I didn’t wait for their answer. I stood, tossed all of the money in my wallet on the table, and walked out. It was a warm day, and the cobblestone streets were crowded, but I kept to myself as I wandered through the city. Eventually, I ended up at an old Catholic church. I stepped inside, anointing myself with the sign of the cross before sliding into a pew in the back. I was the only one occupying the sanctuary since it was the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. I gazed up at the impressive stained glass that adorned the windows as I sorted through what Dixon told me.
After a few hours of deep thought and reflection, I was able to draw two conclusions. First, I was okay with my death. It allowed me to take on this new role as a Patronus and I truly loved helping people. Second, and most important I believed, I was not to blame for what happened that night. I had spent a year running different scenarios on how I could have prevented it, but I realized that no matter if I hadn’t stopped to sand the walkway or hadn’t suggested we go out
for Grace’s belated birthday, or even if I had never allowed Beth Ann an opportunity to babysit, I was still certain she would have found a way to take Nathanial. I had even come to forgive her for that because in the end, she did the right thing for Nathanial (though it would take me quite a bit longer to forgive her for Grace’s fate).
I stood and went over to the antechamber where I lit two candles, one for Grace and one for Nathanial. I loved them with every ounce of strength in my heart and would never forget the impact they made on my life, but it was time to let them go.
Chapter Five
Adam, Cassie, and I sat around the dinner table waiting for James to join us. He had sent us all messages earlier in the day saying he had to speak to us but refused to give any more details until we could talk in person. I hadn’t seen him for the last few days, and my gut told me that whatever he had to say to me today, it couldn’t be good.
“And he didn’t tell you anything?” Cassie questioned, dipping a carrot stick into her ranch dressing and nibbling like a rabbit. Why girls ate like woodland creatures, I’d never understand.
“Nah, he just said it was important. I don’t get it; he’s been avoiding me for the last few days. It’s making me a bit nervous. Have you heard anything, Adam?”
Adam shook his head and took another bite of his chili dog. “Nope, he’s avoiding all of us.” A piece of food flew out of his mouth, landing on my arm as he spoke. Cassie smacked him on the shoulder in shocked outrage.
“Babe! Don’t talk with your mouth full. Where are your manners?”
“Sorry,” he apologized sheepishly before turning to me. “I did see him for a few minutes this morning, but when I said hello, he completely ignored me. It was so unlike him. Whatever is going on, it’s big. He hasn’t been this hush-hush about something since his ‘secret date’ with Octavia a few months ago.”
Atone (The Patronus: #2.5) Page 3