“You’ve never wondered what it’s like to fly? To breathe under water? To run like she does when she says she needs to calm down? I’ve thought of nothing else since Tollam ran by us as a horse.”
Leodos didn’t say anything as the other three men agreed and said they had been thinking the same thing. Those thoughts had never crossed Leodos’ mind even after finding out she had managed to make Tollam Theran.
He was surprised when Esylle asked him to walk with her away from everyone. He wasn’t sure it was safe, but she reminded him she didn’t have to hide anymore and what he couldn’t do with his bow, she could just burn. He agreed to walk with her and was surprised when she didn’t take his arm like she always did when they walked together. She seemed uncomfortable around him today. When they got into the woods, he asked her what was wrong. She sat on a boulder and wouldn’t look at him.
“Lisana said some things to me when I was trying to explain to her why they were fighting over her. She didn’t understand their looks and she doesn’t seem to understand what she looks like to other people. It was never discussed with her growing up and she’s never thought about it. I asked her about the stories Belisarus read to her growing up since she mentioned one when she created Frog. She doesn’t understand their looks, but she thinks she understands yours,” Esylle said. She looked uncomfortable and she would not look at him.
“I don’t understand. I’ve never looked at her the way they look at her. She confused me when she tried to kiss me, but when I realized what it was, I stopped her. How could she think I look at her like that?”
“She doesn’t,” Esylle said, hesitating. “She said at first, she thought you pushed her away because she is not pretty like I am. She told me she thinks you kissed her back because she looks like me, then you stopped her because she’s not me. She thinks you look at me like the men in the stories she was told. I still don’t understand how she can see that and not how these boys stare at her and I still don’t understand what she is seeing. You’ve known me since I was a child.”
Leodos didn’t say anything and now found that he couldn’t look at Esylle anymore. He also didn’t understand how Soryn could see how he looked at Esylle and not understand the prince’s reaction to her. He had loved her since she was old enough, but knew nothing could ever come of it. He buried those thoughts after she met Rivannus. He knew if he had brought up marrying her to Joron when he was insisting she meet with the three Lords, he would have settled on the idea and made her go ahead with the marriage, but he didn’t want her to marry him because she was forced to. He never wanted her to know that he loved her because he knew she didn’t feel the same and he didn’t think he could bear hearing it.
“Is she seeing something I never noticed? How could I not see?” she asked.
“I never wanted you to know because I knew you didn’t feel the same way,” he said, still not looking at her. He finally looked up when she laughed. Why was she laughing? He knew Esylle was never cruel to anyone and he didn’t think she would be towards him when she found out how he felt. When he looked at her face, she wasn’t looking at him cruelly. She was looking at him fondly and a little sad.
“You didn’t notice, in all the time you spent around me when I was old enough, that you were my first love before I met Rivannus? You were so tall and handsome. You were always there trying to take care of me and protect me. If I hadn’t met him, when my father brought up marriage, I would have insisted it be you.”
“I never noticed and I was trying to make sure you never saw how I felt. It doesn’t matter anymore because you love him,” he said, looking away. It felt good to know that she loved him once, but he still didn’t want to have this conversation with her. What good was it to know that she loved him once and now loved another? He had never wanted her to know he felt this way.
“But it does matter,” she said, walking over to him. She surprised him when she slipped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest. In all the time he had spent around her and the times she had spent holding his arm when they walked, they had never touched like this. He didn’t know what she meant by it and didn’t want to read more into it. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, but she spoke again.
“He’s been gone eighteen years and I’ve spent the past few days coming to terms with the fact that he’s really not coming back. I still loved you when I loved him and you’ve been here with me this entire time. I don’t know how I could have missed you looking at me that way when I wanted it for so long. Was I the reason you never married?”
“Not until you were much older,” he said, holding her close. He had convinced himself this was impossible. He couldn’t believe this was happening and she felt that way about him. He couldn’t see how he could not have noticed when she was younger.
“You would never have said anything to me and I would never have said anything to you if she hadn’t thought you looked at me like her stories and said something to me.”
“If she wasn’t so important to them, I would strangle her,” he said, smiling now that he knew she felt the same. “I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t think you felt the same and I didn’t think I could hear you say it. She’s always doing something she’s not supposed to. I imagine you would have had your hands full with her if she hadn’t been taken.”
“Are you going to kiss me or are we going to worry about what she shouldn’t be doing again?”
Soryn
Soryn walked beside Oris so that he could introduce her to the Theran. She didn’t know what to say to him and she hoped he would talk to her like a regular girl like Sono did.
“Why did you run from me that day in the forest when I smelled you for the first time?” he asked.
“I had never met a Theran before and I didn’t know if you were like Sono and Volaris. He hadn’t told me who I was yet and I was trying to run because I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to tell me who he thought I was. You did try to chase me.”
“I was also running because I was angry. I didn’t expect to find another Theran that far out and I wasn’t expecting you at all because I thought you were a myth. I don’t know what it’s like to do the other things you can do, but I find that running when I’m angry clears my mind.”
“Leodos and Volaris don’t understand and yell when I need to leave to run,” she said, trying to change the subject back to running. She still didn’t want to talk about who she was and if that was the only reason he was interested in her, she didn’t really want to talk to him anymore.
“The tall man will never understand. If you flew when you were angry, Volaris would understand. I know my father doesn’t understand why either of us needs to leave and run and he is Theran.”
“Why were you out there? I was told the way I was traveling wouldn’t take me anywhere near the tribes. Volaris only found me because of his spies.”
Soryn walked and listened while Oris explained he was expected to marry and he didn’t want to. Maybe they had more in common than she thought. She didn’t like the idea of having one of these princes chosen for her either. That didn’t happen in any of the stories she was told growing up. She didn’t understand why Belisarus told her stories about princes and princesses falling in love if she was just going to be forced to marry someone when she found out who she was.
“I heard Volaris tell you maybe one of the changes you bring is that we will be able to choose our own mates. I hope you do.”
She looked away and didn’t speak because Esylle told her what he wanted. She didn’t know what she wanted and she still wasn’t sure if she was supposed to survive or stay in this form when all of this was over.
“Something I said upset you. What was it?”
“Esylle explained to me why you were fighting with Sono and what you want. You don’t know me and I still think it’s because of who I am to you and nothing more.”
He stopped and put his hands on her shoulders. She was still trying to get used to the idea of people wan
ting to touch her, but she didn’t shake him loose. He was much taller and she was and looked down at her.
“When I smelled you in the woods and I saw you come out, I could see you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and the Theran have beautiful women. This was before I smelled you and knew who you were. It’s hard to talk to you with everyone around you all the time. I asked you out here not just to meet the Theran, but to talk to you alone.”
She didn’t know what to say to him when a tall Theran woman appeared in front of her. She had long blonde hair and green eyes like the rest of the Theran, but she looked similar to Oris. He introduced her as his mother, Oria. Soryn was surprised when Oria smiled warmly at her and walked over and embraced her.
“My son has told me about you and there are many here who want to meet you. We’ve only seen you from afar during your lessons. We’ve been teaching Gritt since you gifted him this morning.”
“Can I see him?” she asked. She still wasn’t sure what she had done to him could be considered a gift, no matter what Frog had told her.
“There’s time for that. He’s learning what it means to be Theran. Come, there are those who want to me you,” Oria said, taking her arm. Oris was right at her other arm standing too close to her again. Soryn felt boxed in by the two of them and didn’t see why they didn’t let her walk on her own.
Oria led her to a group of Theran girls around her own age who were sitting and talking. They looked up as Soryn approached and she noticed they were alternating between looking at both her and Oris. Oris was very good looking and Soryn didn’t understand what he wanted with her when there were several pretty Theran girls staring at him and making faces like they wanted him to notice them. All of the girls jumped up and swarmed around her, pushing Oris away. Soryn could see this annoyed him.
“She’s even prettier now that we can see her up close!” one of the Theran girls said, stroking her face.
“I’m so glad she doesn’t hide her hair anymore!” another said with her hands in her hair. “We haven’t seen red hair in so long!”
“We should make her even prettier!” one suggested, taking her hands and leading her away from Oris and Oria.
Soryn had no idea what they intended to do to her and tried to give Oris a look to come save her. He gave her a reassuring smile as they pulled her away as if to say whatever they intended on doing to her wouldn’t be bad.
She didn’t even know their names as four Theran girls sat her on a rock and started fussing around her. One of them told the other they should play up her eyes now that she was no longer hiding them since there were only three people left with her eye color. She drew back as one of them came towards her eyes with something pointy. She didn’t know what they could possibly intend to do with it other than harm her and she didn’t know why they wanted to. She was even more confused when they all laughed when she looked wary of the stick.
“It’s just kohl!” one of them said. “Look at my eyes. I have it on mine. It makes your eyes look prettier.”
“Why do I want my eyes to look prettier?” she asked. “Does it hurt?”
They started laughing again. “It doesn’t hurt at all. You will be our queen and we want to help you look the part. Your mother wears kohl too,” one of them said, coming at her with the stick again. She didn’t draw back this time. If Esylle wore it, maybe it wasn’t that bad. The girl commanded her to close her eyes and Soryn sat there stiffly while she felt the girl drawing on her eyelids. It didn’t hurt at all, but she still didn’t understand why she needed it.
When they told her to open her eyes, they were fawning over her again about how what they did to her eyes made the purple stand out and they hoped she had many children with eyes like hers. She didn’t comment that if she survived the war, she wasn’t sure what kind of children she would have if they tried to force her to marry.
She sat there, uncomfortable, while they put something on her lips to make them darker and put flowers in her hair. She thought all of this was silly and she just wanted to go talk to Gritt. She thought she was never going to get away from them when Oria and Oris appeared again.
“Now you look like a god reborn,” Oria told her with a smile. Oris was now looking at her with a look she understood. He was looking at her the way Leodos looked at Esylle when he thought she wasn’t looking. This wasn’t how it happened in the stories she was told. Someone didn’t change what they looked like to get those stares. There was always heroics and some sort of trial before everyone fell in love and was happy when the story ended. How could he be giving her that look when he didn’t know her and the only thing that changed was how she looked. She didn’t want to think about it anymore because it confused her.
“Can I see Gritt now?” she asked impatiently.
“Gritt needs to learn how to be Theran and you need to learn to be the Spirus,” Oria told her.
“How does changing what I look like teach me anything? There are things I need to hear from him if you want me to continue to act as the Spirus and create another like him.”
“You look less like a young girl now and more like you were promised. If you insist on seeing Gritt, I will take you,” Oria sighed. She took her arm and Oris boxed her in again.
They took her further into the woods and she could finally pick out Gritt surrounded by several Theran men and women. He didn’t seem unhappy at all. There was a huge smile across his face and he was waving his arms wildly while talking to the other Theran. When he finally noticed her, he ran to her and fell on his knees and rubbed his face on her hands.
She pulled him to his feet. “Can we be alone?” she asked, trying to bring him somewhere they could speak privately. The rest of the Theran let them leave. She sat next to him on the ground.
“I know this is new for you and you want this now, but are you going to want it when they expect you to fight? How will you fight as a mouse? You could die this way instead of living your life out as you were.”
“But I’m not a mouse anymore! When they brought me back, they explained the ceremony they have when a form is chosen and tried to get me to see if I could choose another. I’m a beast with a horn that can fight now.”
“This is not your war. You didn’t ask to be brought into it and you didn’t ask me to change you.”
“I didn’t know anything except trying to hide and eat as a mouse. You only changed me this morning, but I see things I didn’t see before. I can feel things I never felt before. They made food for me that I couldn’t eat before. You seem to be trying to find out if you did something bad to me. This is the best thing you could have done to me and I would be honored to fight to protect you.”
“Do you even understand why you want to protect me?” she asked with a sigh. He had the same answers Frog did and she wasn’t sure they understood.
“The other Therans explained to me who you were and why you were able to change me. I understand more than you seem to think. Some things are new to me, but when I ask questions and they explain, I know now. I’m just like they are, aside from needing some things explained to me. I’m just like them and I’m a little like you.”
“I still don’t understand how I did this to you,” she admitted. “I’ve only done it once before and he didn’t change like you. He didn’t think like you right away. I had to teach him.”
“They told me about your friend and we talked about it. Maybe you weren’t strong enough yet because you were so young. Some of the Therans think he waited this long to send you because you weren’t strong enough yet to do what you needed to do.”
“He wouldn’t have known that since he told me not to try to make anyone like Frog again and wouldn’t tell me how I did it.”
“They told me who he was and what he did. I think he knew what he was doing.”
“It doesn’t seem that way from my end. You seem to understand much for only being a Theran since this morning.”
“Is that putting you more at ease about continuing to do what you are
supposed to? The Therans have taken me in and done nothing since this morning but answer all of my questions and try to help me. Anyone else you change would have the support of their tribe, I’m sure.”
“I still don’t understand how I did it and I don’t think everyone I change is going to have the reaction you and Frog do.”
She could tell Gritt wanted to say something else to her, but Oris came through the clearing with his mother. She tried not to look irritated as they told her it was time to eat and Sono had made her lunch.
Volaris
Volaris sat with Sono, Esylle, Joron, and Leodos waiting for the girl to come back. He didn’t know what had happened after he left them, but Esylle was now resting against Leodos’ chest as they sat by the fire. He snuck a look over to Joron to see what he thought about this development and he looked quite pleased.
The girl came through the clearing and when she noticed Esylle and Leodos sitting together, Volaris saw an impish look appear on her face as she sat down. He noticed the Therans had decorated her face the way they did and he thought to himself she would look better with the face paint the Farkhi used. Sono looked pleased she sat next to him as he handed her a bowl of food.
“I told you,” she shot at Esylle. She said it as if she was comfortable enough to tease her now. She rarely smiled, but she had a sly smile on her face now, like she was very pleased with herself. Volaris had no idea what had brought this on considering how upset she had been this morning.
Volaris was even more confused when Leodos started teasing her back. “If you weren’t so important to them, I don’t know what I would do to you. You’re always doing what you’re not supposed to. I didn’t want her to know! What if she hadn’t felt the same way and I got my heart broken?”
“There’s not much to do when we walk. You both smell differently when you look at each other. My father is dead and I knew neither of you would have said anything if I hadn’t. Why shouldn’t I finally see something like the stories I was told? Everything I’ve seen so far has been hard and has upset me. Why shouldn’t I see something good?” she said, laughing.
The Spirus Page 18