Dear John,
The fellows in the Press box don’t have many heroes. Often they help make them—usually they know too much about them to believe in them. Up in the Press seats they don’t usually clap. They are busy and they are used to big sport. Mostly they’ve mastered the art of observing without becoming excited. On Saturday, at 4:35, the sports writers forgot the rules. They had a hero… every one of them. And you were it. Among the 22,000 who crammed into Olympic Park, there was not a soul who was not thrilled and inspired by your effort. None of them will forget it. Yours was the classic sporting gesture. It was a senseless piece of chivalry—but it will be remembered as one of the finest actions in the history of sport. In a nutshell, you sacrificed the chance of a world record to go to the aid of a fallen rival. And in pulling up, trotting back to Ron Clarke, muttering ‘Sorry’ and deciding to chase the field, you achieved much more than any world record. Your action cost you six to seven seconds. And you sprinted round that last lap like a 220 runner and you overhauled the field to win in 4 minutes 4.2 seconds. You… the fellow who used to be called a mechanical runner without a finish! A lot of people are wondering why you pulled up. The truth is, of course, that you didn’t think about it. It was the instinctive action of a man whose mate is in trouble. In the record books it will look like a very ordinary run for these days. But, for my money, the fantastic gesture and the valiant recovery make it overshadow your magnificent miles in Turku (3:58.0 WR) and Vancouver (3:59.6, second to Roger Bannister’s 3:58.8). It is your greatest triumph. And it is fitting that it took place in your home town (Harry Gordon, 2004).”
Typical of his humility, Landy, upon seeing the sculpture said, “While Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt for looking back, I’m probably the only one ever turned into bronze for looking back.”
TAKE AWAY
Landy made virtue a way of life. He wasn’t perfect but he tried to achieve it every day, in every way possible. He didn’t need the praise of others to feel good about himself but instead chose to work conscientiously by placing love of duty above his inclinations without ever shrinking from it through weariness or difficulty of work. Certainly he had exceptional physical and technical abilities but what set him apart from every other world-class athlete is something that you are capable of possessing. You are called to live and practice the same heroic virtue in your life that Landy lived in his.
Keep in mind, being “good enough” has nothing to do with being loved. Knowing this removes the anxieties and worries that can hurt your performance and prevent you from using all of the skills, talents and abilities with which you have been blessed. The freedom to excel in whatever you choose to do in life will only come when you are able to separate the two. Remember that no clap on the back, no matter how big or how often, will ever fully satisfy you. The following chapters will reveal more and more about what it takes to fill your tank, achieve heroic virtue, and perform at your very best.
CHAPTER 3
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT
YOUR team just made a great defensive stop on third and three with time running out and the lead. Hold on! There was a flag on the play. All you hear after the play is, “personal foul, unsportsmanlike conduct, fifteen yard penalty, automatic first down.” Your team then goes on to lose the game. What was going on inside the head of the player who committed the foul? Why would he have done something that was so obviously hurtful to your team and the outcome of the game? He certainly did not want to lose the game but his angry outburst did just that. What caused him to feel so angry? What did he believe was happening? The answer to these questions may explain why the meek will not only inherit the earth but will also win the game.
Imagine for a moment that you and I are working on a project and a third person joins us. After the brief introductions, you ask the person who joined us to read page eight of the instruction manual so we can begin our work. He says, “Well...okay but what are we doing?” Again, very politely, you ask him, “Please read page eight.” He says, “Okay but what are we doing?” And once again you very kindly ask him to please read page eight. Instead of doing what you asked him to do, he begins to get pretty agitated and seems to be questioning your authority. Before long, an argument ensues. This person is really angry, so fired up, in fact, that he starts yelling and screaming at you, and throws the book at you. What’s your first thought about this person? Most people would say that he’s a real jerk. It’s understandable how somebody might come to that conclusion.
But what if I told you now that that man can’t read? “Ohhhh, I didn’t know…” It’s interesting to see how quickly emotions can change. When you assumed this person could read and then he acted in this inappropriate way, yelling, screaming, throwing the book at you, you get angry, you get ticked-off. Now, two seconds later, you feel differently about him. “He can’t read! I didn’t know that.” It’s like a switch was flicked in your head and suddenly you have empathy for the man. Anger and empathy are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Even though we agree that it is unacceptable to yell, scream and throw things at people, you are now willing to give him every break in the world because you think, “I know he’s wrong for what he did but he may have been too embarrassed or humiliated to tell me about it.” Your emotions rushed from one end of the spectrum, anger, to the opposite, empathy, in an instant. Emotions are powerful and often seem unchangeable but in reality they are based on what you believe.
This is an important insight for relating to people in your life who are difficult to deal with, even when they are being nasty or obnoxious. They’re the kind of people whom you try to get away from. You may think, “They just like being that way.” Well, wait a second. Consider that the most motivating thing to any human being is love. Somebody who is doing something that makes you want to push them away or get away from them means that they’re not getting the thing they want most: your love. It’s what they want most of all, so it seems kind of crazy that they do things to push you away. It’s a downward spiral for them, as they keep doing these abrasive things over and over, making it that much more unpleasant to be around them, they get less and less of the thing they want most, love.
Go back to the example of illiterate man. Think of reading as a skill much like any other you might have such as your ability to communicate or love. You are going to encounter people can’t read or can’t communicate or can’t love well. Instead of assuming that they can read and becoming frustrated with them, try to hold your judgment and determine if in fact they can read. If you come to discover that they can’t read you will avoid getting upset, hurt, or drawn into a fight because understanding the person will usually lead you to empathy.
You might be tempted to ask, “How do I know that it’s the other person that can’t read and not me?” Here’s a little test you can take. Ask yourself, “Do I want to be in this person’s shoes?” If you’re dealing with one of these unhappy people described above your immediate answer will be, “No! I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.” Why? Because you think, “I’d be miserable. My life may have its difficulties but they aren’t that bad.” You might also be tempted to think, “But they seem to like it. They even have an attitude about it and they don’t seem very sorry to be this way.” So this person, who wants to love, is doing these things that drive love away and is really enjoying himself?
Imagine for a moment that we’re in a bowling alley. The guy in the next lane picks up a ball and drops it on his foot. Then he picks up the ball and drops it on his foot again. And again. You are not going to turn to me and say, “Hey, the guy over there in lane two is having a great time.” You’re going to say, “There is something terribly wrong with that man.” It doesn’t matter how he reacts either. No matter whether he’s screaming in pain, smiling, or laughing, you’re not going to say, “He must be happy.” There is a problem, because clearly this person is hurting himself. Anyone who keeps dropping a bowling ball on their foot has a problem. Likewise, whether they seem to enjoy it or not,
these people who are angry, obnoxious, or generally unpleasant to be around, are hurting themselves. They are dropping bowling balls on their feet with every offensive word or action. They are missing out on the one thing they want most: love. And they are doing it to themselves by driving people away. If we can recognize that in people, it will do two things. It will help us love that person more, to be empathetic, and to realize that they have a problem. It will also help us not to get wrapped up in reacting with emotions they we don’t really want to experience and that will end up hurting us and those we love.
Sometimes, though, we are the ones who can’t read and we may cut off relationships or lose opportunities because of our assumptions and rash judgments. Often this happens due to a lack of awareness and vigilance in seeking out and confirming what is true in our everyday lives.
Once, when I was working as a sports psychologist, a man by the name of Bob called me about his golf game and told me that he was depressed. He told me that he usually shot two or three over par but that his game had slowly deteriorated and he was feeling miserable and depressed. I told him we should meet in-person so that I could evaluate not only how he was thinking but also determine if there were any physical issues that might be contributing to his problem. When he arrived at the clinic I was taken aback to see that he was only about 5’2”. It was also obvious that he had a distinct limp. “Nothing wrong with being 5’2” and having a limp but a near scratch golfer? I don’t think so,” I thought. During the exam I asked him, “Do you have any injuries? Back problems?” “No”, he said, “but I do have a leg length discrepancy.” It turned out to be a very significant discrepancy: about two inches. I thought, “Wow, just image what his swing must look like.” However, Bob had told me over the phone that he was almost a scratch golfer, meaning he shot near par pretty consistently. When asked again about his score, he said, “Yeah, I have always played pretty well. I have been a one or two handicap since I was in my twenties.” Taking him at his word, at least until I saw him play, I concluded that his physical limitations must not be the problem. It had to be something else. So I said to him, “Well, let’s go out to the course and let me watch you play a few holes so I can get a sense of what you’re doing”.
As soon as we arrived at his course, he jumped out of the car, grabbed his clubs and practically ran to the pro shop. He jumped into one side of a cart and I had to quickly leap into the other in order not to be left behind. We arrived at the first hole without a warm-up. He stepped out of the cart and before I knew what was happening, he grabbed his club, walked up to the ball, no warm-up swing or anything, and hit it without hesitation. This was like extreme golf where players run from hole to hole and play as quickly as possible. His swing was a bizarre gyration of blurred movements that couldn’t possibly make contact with the ball but amazingly his ball flew about two-hundred and fifty yards down the middle of the fairway. Being a professional, I tried to discretely lift my jaw off the ground and conceal my utter astonishment. We jumped back in the cart like Navy Seals on a mission and sped off to rescue his ball. We skidded to a stop, he leapt out, and before I had time to look up, he had picked out the appropriate club, a 7 iron this time, walked right up to the ball, no practice swing or delay, and hit another beautiful shot, dead center, this time about fifty yards short of the green. I hoped at this point that he thought my jaw was always on the ground.
Then, on to the next shot something happened. He changed. Bob slowed down, debated with himself about which club to choose, and readjusted his grip three or four times before finally taking a slow and measured swing. His ball flew over the green about twenty yards left of the hole. By now it was evident to me that Bob did not have a problem with depression; he was really only feeling upset about his game after not playing as well as he normally did. He also didn’t have a problem due to his unusual physical attributes. The reason he wasn’t playing at his best? One day about a year earlier he had been playing with someone who caused him to slow down on his short approach shots. Because of this he had hit several shots like the one I described above. Normally this might not be a problem for most people but Bob was the type of player who just played and did not think about what he was doing. His strength had been in not being overly analytical while playing. This type of player usually plays well and, to the chagrin of those more analytically inclined who play with him, seems not to have a care in the world. However, the Achilles heel of this player is exposed when he begins to play poorly. He is usually unaware of how he makes his good shot and therefore does not know how to adjust it when it falls apart. In Bob’s case he began changing one thing and then another, and another. Soon he had begun to switch to new clubs, grips, balls, gloves, techniques, with ever worsening results. He had not recognized what he was doing and then finally one day he woke up “depressed.” The solution for Bob was remarkably simple, go back to playing the way he always played: fast! I spoke to him for a few minutes about this and then I dropped a another ball down where he had hit the previous short shot. I had him quickly walk up to the ball, and with no practice swing or grip adjustments, hit it. The ball sailed high and landed about fifteen feet from the hole. He turned to me with a look of joy, excitement and disbelief. Bob was back! By the end of the round he was striking every ball with consistency and accuracy. It didn’t take him long to return to his one or two handicap which made him very happy and not the least bit depressed. The reason this story turned out so well was because I didn’t allow my first impressions to bias my assessment of Bob and his ability to play golf. I had learned this lesson years earlier from a young guy by the name of Daniel.
When I was coaching at Boston University, I had one of the best high jumping squads in the country. Nick Saunders was an NCAA Division I National Champion who had also won the Commonwealth Games, placed fifth in the 1988 Olympic Games, and had a career best jump of 7’9”. His 7’9” jump remains a Commonwealth Games record and is one of the highest jumps in history. Another member of the squad, Greg Gonsalves, was an NCAA Division I All-American who had a personal best jump of 7’5”. There were two other men jumping around the 7’0” level and one or two just shy of it. The women’s squad was also outstanding. Julie White had a personal best of 6’2” and, as a sixteen year old, jumped 6’1” in the 1976 Olympic Games to place tenth. There were two other woman who had jumped close to 6’0”. It was just an incredible group of athletes.
It was the beginning of the school year when I first met Daniel. We were out on the field at Boston University preparing to begin a technique session. The mats, standards, and high jump bar were ready to go. The women were going to jump first and as they were taking some warm-up jumps, this young guy comes over to me full of enthusiasm and says, “Hi Coach! My name’s Daniel and I’m a new freshman. I’d really like to be on the track team and I’d like to high jump. I’m a high jumper.” Now I had more jumpers than I knew what to do with and despite his physical stature which looked nothing like a high jumper, I thought, “You never know he could be the next world record holder.” I told him the women were warming up at the moment but that I’d like to see him take a jump. Because the women were jumping at the time, the bar was only set at 5’4”. It did not matter that the bar was too low because as soon as I see an athlete move I can get an accurate sense about the individual’s current ability and future potential. I watched as he rocked back and forth and then began his approach. He went up on his first jump and nearly took the bar off with his head. Everyone’s eyes went wide and their mouths hung open. He ran back to me, apologized breathlessly and looked frustrated with himself. “Please let me take another,” he says. On his second jump he nearly broke the bar by landing on it with his back. The jumpers gathered around me and they started talking about him, “Coach, get rid of this guy, he’s a loser. He can’t even get over five four”. I quickly responded, “Hey now, none of that. Move on”. So they all dispersed. Meanwhile, Daniel ran back over to me and by then he was really flustered and upset. “I don’t know
what’s wrong, I’m just a little off today,” he said. But I can see that he’s just not built like a high jumper at all, he’s five feet ten inches tall, weighs about a hundred and eighty-five pounds, his elbows are out, his knees are in; he doesn’t even look like an athlete to me. I asked him some questions and I found out he was in general studies and that school was a challenge for him. This would probably mean a lot to him. So I said to him, “Okay, I’ll tell you what, if you come out every day, you listen to me and do what I tell you, you can be on the team.” “Ohhh! Thank you so much!” and he ran off excited as can be. Now you might be thinking, “Awww, that was really nice of you.” However, I learned an incredible lesson from Daniel. To make a long story short, by the end of his senior year, Daniel jumped seven feet one inches! To put this in some perspective, jumping seven feet is like breaking the four minute mile. Daniel who I thought would have difficulty ever clearing six feet, jumped over seven feet. I learned something from Daniel that has stayed with me to this very day: never underestimate anyone. In high jumping, the seven foot barrier is something every high jumper aspires to do, and Daniel did it. Too often we underestimate people and write them off too quickly. You may tend to write yourself off too easily as well, when in fact, as you will learn in chapters six and seven, you are capable of incredible feats of strength, skill and focus.
You may think that the pros are different. They have it all together. They are not like you. They don’t need to do a thing except show up and play. The truth is I have never worked with a professional athlete who didn’t have further to go than he had already come. Wes Welker, whose name has become synonymous with superstar, is one of the most striking examples of this. He is an exceptional athlete who always seems to make the play when his team needs it the most. He is a highly successful NFL wide receiver, but it wasn’t always that way. His story is a great lesson for those of us who perhaps unwittingly underestimate ourselves or others.
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