The Exile

by Gregory Erich Phillips

  “Young people have such beautiful, naïve sentiments.”

  “Could you believe that Ashford really loves me?”

  “I believe he really loves your big tits and your hot ass.”

  “Fuck you!”

  Samantha smiled. “Just calling it like it is, my dear. Ashford’s no different from any man. You can either listen to me or learn it the hard way like most women have to.” Samantha took a deep breath, then walked around to the other side of her desk and sat in her office chair.

  “It stuns me how ungrateful you are.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t mean toward me. I mean how ungrateful you are about the opportunities you have. Being in this country is not a right, and you shouldn’t treat it so lightly. I’m so proud of you for what you’ve accomplished, but you’re acting awfully cavalier about it. Success is a privilege for people like you. I’m all for equal opportunities, but have some common sense about it. Remember who you are and where you came from.”

  “Seriously, Samantha? ‘People like you’?”

  “You don’t need to decide anything right now. Take a few days. I know it’s a tough thing to come to terms with, but you’ll see it’s for the best. More of us than you realize have had it done. You’ll have plenty more chances with the right man at the right time.”

  “I’m not getting an abortion. I warned you not to go there.”

  “Then you’re fired. Thank you for your contributions.”

  Leila threw her head back and laughed. It felt good. The veil of friendship had been ripped off of their meeting.

  “Have an abortion or I’m fired? You can’t do that. There are laws against that.”

  “Not that’ll protect a beaner like you! You have no idea how fast I could have you sent back to Mexico.”

  “How dare you! I’m a legal resident, and for the hundredth fucking time, I’m not Mexican.”

  “Then I’ll send you to hell. That’s where you’re really from, isn’t it?”

  The look in Samantha’s eyes gave Leila a sudden wave of fear. Samantha saw her fear and grinned. She opened her desk drawer and pulled out a single folded sheet of paper.

  “Remember this?”

  Leila watched in horror as Samantha unfolded a piece of paper that she immediately recognized. It was the rescission document with Mrs. Collins’s taped-on signature.

  “You thought you shredded this, didn’t you? You must learn to be more discreet.”

  Leila stared at the page, dumbfounded

  “This is your career, right here, reduced to a single stupid piece of paper.”

  Leila felt the room swirling around her for a moment but steadied herself.

  “You have three choices.” Samantha leaned forward on her desk. “Give up the baby, come back to work, and we’ll all pretend this never happened. Or you can disappear, have the baby if you must, but you will do it alone. You will never ask Ashford for a penny or else this little trick you played will come to light.” Samantha put the sheet back into her desk and locked it. “I don’t think you need to hear the third choice.”

  Leila stood on weakening knees, beginning to comprehend her total defeat. Samantha sat back down at her desk.

  “Please leave me alone now. I have a lot of work to do.”

  Leila walked straight through the office to the elevator. She didn’t make eye contact with anyone. She cried in her car. She couldn’t drive yet. Her hands shook from anger. Once she managed to calm down, her anger turned into fear. What could Samantha really do to her? What had she said already to Ashford?

  With shaking fingers, she pulled her phone out of her purse and tried to call him. He didn’t answer. The same thing happened yesterday when she tried to call—straight to voicemail. It was strange. The few times before when she had called him and he didn’t pick up, he always called right back. Usually, it was he who called, unable to get enough of her voice. Could Samantha have turned him against her this fast?

  She wiped her eyes and started home. This was no time to feel sorry for herself.

  It felt strange being on these familiar roads in midmorning.

  She parked, then hurried toward the stairs. Halfway up, she stopped. A big smile spread across her face. Ashford was sitting on a suitcase in her doorway.

  She ran to him, throwing her arms around him as he stood up.

  “I’ve never been happier to see you.”

  “You know what this means, don’t you?” He inclined his head, which she was still assaulting with kisses, toward the suitcase.

  “I do. Your mother kicked you out, so you’re moving in. It’s wonderful.”

  She released him and stood beaming at him. All her worries, for a moment, had been washed away.

  “Want to help me get the rest of my things out of my car?”

  She skipped with him to where he had parked in the correct visitor parking area.

  “Were you going to wait there all day?”

  “I didn’t expect you’d last long.”

  “You were right. She fired me. Now, we’re both unemployed.”

  “I suppose you could say she fired me too. She even turned off my phone.”

  “Unbelievable.”

  They reached his car. Leila had expected to see more inside.

  “Is this really all your stuff?”

  “All I cared to pack in a hurry this morning.”

  “Where are all your potions and herbs?”

  “Sacrificed to the cause. I’ll let you get to know me a little better before I start stinking up your apartment with that stuff.”

  She laughed, tossing a backpack over her shoulder and picking up two paper grocery bags full of who knew what.

  “I love you.” She heard the words come out of her mouth. Was that the first time she had said it to him? She thought it was.

  25

  “DO YOU HAVE any idea how happy you’ve made me?” Leila rubbed her swollen belly.

  “I’m beginning to understand. It didn’t start out that way.”

  “Only because I didn’t know what I could expect from you yet.”

  “Do you know now?”

  “I knew when I came home and saw you at the door with all your things in that little suitcase. I trust you now.” It had already been over two months since Ashford moved in with her. It was a strange time for Leila, not working, yet not feeling limited at all by her pregnancy. She tried not to be restless and to enjoy this time with Ashford, getting to know him and savoring his passion for her.

  Ashford put the last of their dinner plates into the dishwasher, then walked over and sat beside her on the couch.

  “Touch it.”

  He did. It was only a small baby bump.

  “How does it make you feel, to know that’s your child?”

  “I’m still scared.”

  Leila smiled. “Of course you are. Boys don’t dream about this the way girls do. You’re an American boy, too, so that makes things different.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Latin men love a pregnant belly.”

  Ashford laughed.

  “If you were Colombian you would want everyone in town to see that your girl was pregnant.” Leila took Ashford’s hand and put it back on her belly. “Latin cultures value family differently than they do here. Family life is a point of public pride, while in America it’s more private. My father tried to explain it to me, but I never understood until now. As I feel this baby growing inside me, it makes me remember my roots. I thought I had put Colombia pretty well behind me, but a little bit of Colombia will be born in this child.”

  “Do you miss it?”

  “Yes. It’s my homeland. I could only deny that for so long.”

  “I’d love to see Cartagena.”

  “Oh dear, don’t ever pronounce it that way again. Didn’t you take three years of Spanish in high school? It’s Cartagena, with a soft g and a soft n.”

  He laughed. “Sorry.”

  “I might forgive you.�
�� She winked at him.

  “Do you think you’ll ever go back?”

  “I would love to go with you and our child. But it’s difficult. It’s more complicated than I’ve told you. I’ll tell you everything in time. I promise.”

  “I know.”

  Ashford stood up, pulled the curtains, and threw open the windows behind them. There were no screens and the night air rushed in, still warm but pleasant now that the sun was down. Birds chattered in the mesquite trees.

  “Mmm, that’s nice,” she said. “I love this time of year.”

  Ashford sat back down and put his arm around her. She nestled her head into his shoulder. Romeo made a show of walking in front of them but didn’t hop up on the couch like he used to. He was warming up to Ashford but resented losing his exclusive cuddling rights with Leila.

  “Are you happy, darling?”

  He took a moment to answer, which told Leila all she needed to know.

  “I’m happy to be with you. But it’s hard for me. I wish I could do more for you.”

  “You’ve done so much.”

  He began to say something but hesitated. Leila turned her head to look at him.

  “Don’t be afraid to say what you feel. I think I already know.”

  “I would be a lot happier if I was working.”

  “But you are working. Your internship is important.”

  “An unpaid internship is a leftover luxury from my past life. A good partner, and a good father, provides. I haven’t provided you with a thing. All I did was get you fired. Now, you’re supporting me too.”

  Leila laughed. “I get it. Just be patient. Your time will come. After your internship, they’ll offer you a full-time job.”

  Ashford hesitated again. Leila had grown to know him well enough to understand such clues.

  “What is it?”

  “I wasn’t sure if I would tell you this, but I’ve already been offered a job when the internship ends.”

  Leila sat up straight. “That’s wonderful. Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Because it’s not quite what I expected.”

  “Is it as an RN?”

  “Yes. But not here. It’s at a clinic in Santa Fe.”

  “What’s so bad about that?”

  “I didn’t think you’d want to leave. You have your father here and your friends. If you want to go back to work after the baby’s born, this is where you have connections. It seemed like it would be a selfish thing to suggest we pick up and move.”

  Leila grabbed Ashford’s cheeks and kissed him on the lips.

  “What’s keeping us here? Why not? It would be a great start to your career. I won’t be able to work again for at least a year. Let’s do it. You can always apply for jobs back here later if we don’t like it there. It will be easier once you have a job.”

  “Do you really mean it?”

  “It will be an adventure. We’re a little family now. We do things with each other. We do things for each other.”

  He squeezed her toward him. “Let’s stay together forever.”

  She smiled over his shoulder. She liked feeling the warmth of him against the life that grew in her. She hoped he could feel the baby too. “I like hearing you say that. I think it’s the first time you’ve used a word like forever.”

  “I mean it. I’ve always wanted that with you. Things just started moving so fast that I got scared. But as soon as this happened, I’ve been committed to you and our baby . . . forever. I just didn’t know how to say it.”

  She lifted her head off his shoulder, adjusting herself on the couch so she could look in his eyes. “Do you hear what you’re saying?”

  “Yes. I want to spend my whole life with you.” He paused. “I want you to be my wife.”

  Only then did it really hit Leila what was happening, along with the realization that she had urged this on. She had welcomed him to move into her home and into her life. There hadn’t been much choice. But was she ready to marry him? She was falling in love with him, and that frightened her. Even after she got pregnant, she had held something back from him, not sure if she was ready to love. There was no holding back now.

  He was talking again, nervously. His fingers fidgeted. “I couldn’t say anything at first, because I didn’t want it to be about the pregnancy. That’s sped things up, sure. But I dreamed of this even before we started dating. Now that we’re living together, I love you more every day.”

  A few small beads of sweat formed on his forehead. Leila clutched his hand.

  “I didn’t exactly plan this out,” he said. “But nothing with us has gone according to script, has it?”

  She laughed and realized that she was crying.

  “Let’s get married. A wedding’s not practical yet, but let’s be engaged. I want to promise you that we’ll be together forever.”

  “Yes.” She drew him into her arms and held him tightly. “I would love nothing more than to be your wife.”

  She did want it. It would be wonderful to marry Ashford. But this all seemed a little too easy, and that made her nervous. Things had always come easily for Ashford, and this had been easy for him too, whether he realized it or not. How would he change over the years, and what would that mean for her and the baby? On the other hand, what choice did she really have but to say yes to him? The yes had been said that night at his house. She had nothing more to lose now and a lot to gain.

  He held her for several long moments before they pulled back to look at each other—now in a new way.

  “I suppose that wasn’t the most romantic of proposals.”

  “It was as romantic as can be. This is romantic. I don’t need a big show or a fancy ring. I need you with me. It’s important that you let me take care of you now, so that you can take care of me later. I need us to know that if something happens in our lives, like your job in Santa Fe, it’s always something we’ll do together, as a family. That kind of trust is the most romantic thing in the world.”

  Leila watched as Ashford hopped up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. What was he up to now? Soon, he returned with a piece of cooking twine. He tied it loosely around her left ring finger. She burst out laughing.

  “This will have to do for now, because your fiancé is broke. Give me some time, and I’ll give you a beautiful ring . . . and a beautiful life.”

  “You already have.” She kissed him eagerly.

  “Wait. I have to call my dad and tell him.”

  Leila woke up early after trying to nap. She wasn’t a good napper but had tried as her pregnancy began to sap more of her energy. It was the day before they planned to leave for Santa Fe. When she heard Ashford’s voice in the other room, her ears perked up, but then she immediately regretted it.

  “Mom, I called because I was worried about you. Will you stop about Leila for a second and tell me about yourself?”

  A pause.

  “Of course I didn’t call you on Christmas. You turned off my phone, remember?”

  Leila didn’t like that he had called his mother, from her apartment no less, albeit on his own new cell phone. What was he going to tell her now? It felt like a small betrayal.

  “I’ve seen some things in the news about the mortgage market that sound really scary. Are you going to be alright?”

  His voice was muffled. Even awake, she shouldn’t have been able to hear every word and she wished she couldn’t. She didn’t want to eavesdrop. That was a small betrayal too. But she could hear him clearly. She had always been so sensitive to sounds.

  “Yes, I have thought about what it means to have a child.”

  Now that she had heard it, there was no way she could unhear it.

  “A meltdown? Seriously, Mom. You worry about my stability?”

  What sort of things was Samantha saying to him?

  “What are you talking about?”

  There was a much longer silence. Leila thought about putting in her earplugs and trying to sleep again, but that probably wouldn’t help now.<
br />
  “I saved your life that night. You’ve never once thanked me.”

  Leila’s ears perked up. She couldn’t help it.

  “Mom, I can’t believe you’re turning this against me after all I did for you, after all those years of never telling what happened because I respected your pride. Do you actually believe I hallucinated the whole thing? I understand if you blacked out the night Stewart died—you drank half a bottle of vodka—but don’t twist the facts to pretend it was all my fault.”

  Leila was dying to know what had happened, but she couldn’t ask, not now.

  “Now, I’m mentally fragile? Mom, the reason I stayed at home for so long was to keep my eye on you, so you wouldn’t try to hurt yourself again. I never expected gratitude. I knew it would have been hard to talk about. I guess I assumed it was a silent understanding between us. Why do you have to turn it all against me?”

  Leila was on the verge of tears listening to this. She didn’t know what happened when Ashford’s brother died, but many things were suddenly clear. Ashford had been a lot more than a spoiled rich boy living with his mother into his mid-twenties. By the sound of things, he let himself be seen that way for a very mature reason.

  “I need to go, Mom. You have my new cell number now. You can get in touch with me if you need to.”

  He had probably planned to tell Samantha about their move, maybe even about their engagement, before Samantha took the conversation off the rails. Leila was glad he hadn’t told her those things.

  She waited in bed, wondering if Ashford would come back into the room. She decided to admit to having overheard. She wanted him to know. She didn’t want to hold a secret from him and wanted to know this new side to his history . . . as much of it as he would tell. Maybe she already knew enough.

  26

  THE MOVE TO Santa Fe went smoothly. They pulled a small U-Haul trailer behind Leila’s Toyota. Ashford had sold his car the week before. Leila had also sold the diamond and sapphire necklace with only a hint of spite—one final commission check.

  It was a long drive, but they made it in a single day. In retrospect, Leila thought they should have split it up over two days. It surprised her how tired she got and how many little things made her uncomfortable now. Even Romeo handled the trip better than her.