by B. K. Leigh
“I thought I lost you.” He repeats.
For the first time in a long time his touch doesn’t heal the hurt in my heart or fill the emptiness inside of me. For the first time in a long time I feel completely and utterly broken. Everything seems too overwhelming and soon enough sleep takes over, forcing me out of this nightmare and into my subconscious one.
Chapter 22
Raegan
My eyes flutter open to the sound of murmuring voices.
“How long will she be out for its been three days?” Knox’s voice drifts in the background.
“Her body needs time to heal Mr. Blackburn. Not only from the physical scars but from the emotional ones as well. When she wakes up she might be a completely different person, you need to be prepared for everything.” I watch as a tall slender man in a white lab coat places a hand on Knox’s shoulder. His shoulders slump in defeat and a sorrow filled look crosses his face.
“Knox?” My voice fills the room in a quiet whisper and both heads turn my way. In an instant Knox is by my side. His large hand and fingers entwine with my own. It feels like I have been sleeping for days. Glancing around I notice loud machines surrounding me completely, with wires and drips running each and every which way.
“You scared the shit out of me Raegan.” Knox’s soft lips come down on my forehead and I briefly close my eyes. His face is red and puffy as if he’s been crying. A weeks’ worth of stubble peppers the rough skin along his chin making him seem more rugged and much older.
“Knox what happened?” I try to push myself up with my elbows but a sudden wave of dizziness takes over, causing me to fall back down. I can’t even describe the amount of pain I’m in with just that little bit of movement.
“Do you remember what we talked about Raegan? Do you remember what I told you?” he asks. All the while the mad in the white lab coat, the doctor I assume stands in the corner watching our interaction. I try to remember the short conversation Knox and I had last and an overwhelming feeling of grief slams into me tenfold. I grip onto Knox’s T-shirt and burry my face into his chest. You lost the baby.
“I…I lost the baby.” I sob a years’ worth of tears into his cotton T-shirt while he continues to hold me. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, but the feeling of loss inside of me is detrimental.
“Miss Taylor?” a sharp voice speaks from the corner of the room, seemingly breaking through the cocoon Knox had made around me. I look up with blurry tear stained eyes and watch as the man strides towards me with measured steps.
“I’m Dr. Lancaster. Do you know where you are?” he asks.
“The hospital?” looking around the sterile white room and beeping machines I have no doubt that’s exactly where I am.
“Do you remember why you came here?” Knox takes a seat beside my bed and waits as I answer questions from the doctor.
“My… My stepfather tried to, he almost raped me.” I avert my eyes away from Knox. I can feel the anger radiating off of him. For the millionth time tears begin to fall as the shame washes over me.
“Do you remember him attacking you prior to that?” he pries. He begins to flip through a stack of paper he’s holding in front of him.
“Yes.” I feel ashamed as I answer each question one by one, peeling back each layer of the painful memories one by one.
“You sustained some major injuries Miss Taylor, if you hadn’t been found when you were I’m afraid the outcome may have been much worse than it was.” I nod my head as he continues to speak while Knox unconsciously squeezes my hand tighter.
“Did you know you were six weeks pregnant?” his tone is mildly accusing causing my shoulders to jump at the sting of his words.
“No.” There was a part of me that suspected it was more than the flu but I never actually allowed my mind to think that far.
“One of the injuries you sustained was a miscarriage. With the trauma and amount of bleeding you had with your injuries there was nothing we could do to save the baby.” his voice is solemn while his eyes fill with pity. He goes through an entire list of injuries and treatments I’ve had since I’ve been unconscious. I listen to his words with an empty mind and a heavy heart. Out of every emotion I could feel the one that’s the most debilitating is the feeling of deep loss and longing. I never thought it was possible to long for something you never even knew you had. I never even had the chance to want this baby, to be happy about the life I had created with Knox. And before I could make my own decision it was taken away from me. As soon as the doctor leaves the room I finally turn to Knox and tell him what I’ve needed to say since waking up.
“I’m sorry Knox, I’m sorry I lost our baby. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I never would have gone back there.” My eyes close as a dam of tears start to spill over and flow down onto my cheeks. After the amount of crying I’ve done today I’m surprised I still have any tears left. I have a crying headache. Its blinding and all consuming.
“Don’t do that Raegan. Do not blame yourself for what that monster did to you. I don’t know what I would do if things had been taken further or if I lost you completely.” He brings his forehead to rest against mine and I match his pain. Staring into Knox’s eyes make everything more real. A few moments ago I felt as if I needed something to make this all the more real, like if some sort of evidence would give me proof that the life growing inside of me was no more. All the proof I needed me was staring back at me through the depths of Knox’s pain stricken emerald eyes.
“I lost our baby.” I repeat as the guilt consumes me.
“It wasn’t you Rae. There was nothing you could have done. It wasn’t your fault, it was them. They’re the ones to blame.” He tries to rein his anger in but I hear it none the less. My eyes are puffy and burning red as tears continue to flow. My head pounds to the beat of its own drum while the blinding white lights of the hospital room do nothing to help the consistent throbbing.
“I’m so tired Knox.” I say as exhaustion threatens to pull me under. “I’m so tired of this life.”
“You need more rest Raegan, you’ve been through a lot.” He goes to pull away from me but I latch onto him with all the strength I have.
“Please don’t leave me.” I beg. His expression softens. “Please stay with me, lay with me.” I pat the small space beside me on the bed and pray he climbs in.
“Okay, but I don’t want to hurt you, your still in so much pain Rae.” His large form squeezes in on the small space beside me and I take comfort from the heat of his large body. “Is this alright?” he asks as his hand combs through my hair making contact with my sore scalp.
“Yes.” I say sleepily as I rest my head against his large chest.
“Go to sleep Raegan.” He murmurs. “I’ve got you.” His arms hold me a little bit tighter, like a caterpillar trapped in a cocoon.
“I love you Knox.” I whisper into his chest hoping he still feels the same way even though I lost our baby. He would have been an amazing father. It’s the last thought I have before sleep finally consumes me.
“I love you too Raegan.”
Chapter 23
Raegan
“You have to at least try Rae.” Knox looks at me with worried eyes.
“I’m just not hungry. I don’t feel well.” The cramping I’ve been having is worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The doctor told me it’s normal with miscarriages. Even though I had the ERPC procedure done my body is still trying to expel the baby on its own, not realizing its not actually there. That’s one of the things that make it so hard to understand. My brain understands that I went through a miscarriage but my body hasn’t gotten the message completely yet.
“The doctor needs to see you progress before he releases you.” He says agitated.
“I know that.” I snap. “But I told you I’m not hungry.” I roll my eyes and turn over on my side. I don’t need to be facing him to know he’s running a frustrated hand through his hair over and over again. I woke up in a bad mood, but I can’t fi
nd it in me to even care who gets the butt end of my wrath.
“You’re not making this easy Reagan.” he lets out a frustrated sigh. “I just want to see you better so you can get out of here, it’s been over a week Rae.” I pull the light blanket up to my shoulders and slide my hands under the side of my face.
“You should go home and shower Knox.” I say flatly. I blink back my tears, not wanting to give way to the current flood of emotions running rampant through my body.
“I’m fine. I’m not leaving you.” He sounds as if he’s trying to convince himself more than me.
“I just want to be alone right now Knox. Go home and shower.” I let out a sigh and close my eyes. I hear him pacing back and forth across the small hospital room floor, a war clearly raging through his mind. Should I stay or should I go? Go! I want to yell but I can’t seem to find the energy to do so.
“Fine,” he says through gritted teeth as he walks towards me. “I’ll be right back, I’ll go home and shower and pick up some clothes for you.” He leans down and presses a soft kiss against my forehead and a single tear finally escapes my eye. I feel the slight burn of his stubble as his cheek lightly grazes against mine. When he walks out of the door I can’t help but feel completely empty inside. I know I shouldn’t be angry with him when I’m the one who lost the baby. If anything he should be furious with me. I was his mother and I didn’t even protect him. I was too stupid to listen to my own body and get checked out sooner like I had promised Alice. I was stupid for going back into that house when I had promised Knox and myself I wouldn’t. If I had just done things differently I wouldn’t be sitting here mourning the loss of my child but celebrating the soon be life of it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize you’re the one to blame for every ounce of wrong doing in your life. But Knox is mourning too. I try to remind myself. If I take all of my anger out on him I might just lose him too. And that is a pain I’m not sure I can handle.
∞∞∞
I wake to the sound of a gentle knock coming from the door way.
“Miss Taylor?” a man dressed in a blue police uniform waddles his way over to me. I quickly push myself up into a sitting position. “My name is detective Hendrix and this is my partner Miles.” He gestures to the tall slim man standing beside him and sits down awkwardly alongside me.
“What happened to my mother?” I blurt out. All of the nurses and doctors I’ve seen have been reluctant to answer any of my questions. Detective Hendrix looks taken back by my bluntness and it’s Miles who answers firsts.
“Your mother is being detained in a facility with no bale. What we’re here to do is gather all of the facts from each point of view and see if we can bring it all to trial.” His words sound foreign. I only seem to understand bits and pieces.
“A trial?” I question. I don’t understand exactly why they would need a trial. My mother pulled the trigger. I was there, I should know.
“With all of the injuries you sustained both past and present the DA wanted to make sure you mother along with the murder charge gets the appropriate amount of time, given the circumstances.” His voice sounds passive and rehearsed. I feel numb as he continues to speak. No emotion seems to stir even when he recites that day’s events back to me. As if I didn’t know.
“Will I have to speak…in the trial?” I want nothing more than to move on from this nightmare and dragging everything along for a lengthy period of time is not the way to do that.
“It is primitive that you do speak Miss Taylor. We will need to hear everything from the beginning to the end. It’s the only way to get a complete picture of why things have turned out the way they did.” He continues to speak and my mind starts to wonder. Every so often my eyes drift towards the door, hoping at any moment Knox’s large body will come waltzing in, but he never comes. I made him go away. It’s all my fault.
“Do you have any more questions for us Miss Taylor?” My head snaps in their direction as I catch the last bit of the conversation. Questions? Of course I have questions.
“No.” I lie. My information seemed to placate them for now and with a promise of more meetings to come the two men finally leave my room. I’m left feeling more confused than what I was before they stopped by. My head couldn’t seem to wrap its self around all the information they gave me about my mother. She was in prison for now… and in a few months’ time she would have to go in front of a jury, with me speaking against her. Could I even do that?
Looking back on my life I know out of everything that’s happened I never wanted any of this for us. I remember being a little girl and looking at my mother like she held the moon. She was my best friend, my idol, until the day she met Kurt. He was the downfall of our relationship, and the downfall of our life altogether. It never mattered how much I begged her to leave she never did. She would always choose him.
“Come on mamma, we can go. We can go live somewhere else.” I begged as she sat on the couch blankly staring back at me.
“No we can’t Raegan, this is our home. This is where we need to be.” She sneered. What she meant is this was her home. I was merely just an unwanted house guest.
She only thought of herself, her needs and her hurt. Never once was I in the forefront of her mind. If I had my baby, it would be different. I can’t help but think. My mother failed to do everything a parent is supposed to do while raising a child. She failed to protect me, to love me, to cherish me and keep me safe. She let the one man in her life bring me harm and that to me is unforgivable.
All of the times I listened to Knox beg me to walk away, I never listened. And now it’s too late. The relationship I always wished to mend is completely gone, shattered like a glass jar on a tiled floor. And now I’m left to pick up the pieces.
And now as I lay in this hospital bed I pray I finally cross her mind. I pray the time she spends between four solid walls is enough for her to reflect on all the pain she’s caused me.
Chapter 24
Raegan
Two days later and I’m walking out of the double hospital doors, scars in tow. The sun rays beam off of my pale face and the fresh air slams against me like waves on a beach. My body is sore and worn down as I stand on the sidewalk and wait for Knox to pull the truck up. It feels good to be out of the shoe box room I was kept in for the last two weeks. The prying eyes and questions that came from each and every nurse and doctor was gritting on my nerves.
A large black pickup truck stops directly in front of me and my eyes widen with shock as I watch Knox climb down from the driver side and make his way over to me.
“What the heck is this Knox? Where’s Betty?” I ask as he starts to help me climb into the monstrous truck.
“I sold her, I couldn’t risk anything bringing you home in Betty. Her suspension sucks and your body is already bruised enough.” He shrugs. His hands slide across my midsection hesitantly as they grab for the seat belt, buckling me in tight. The cab is large and spacious and unlike Betty there’s a whole row of seats behind us. But I love Betty, and although this truck is nice, I don’t want it.
“Can you get her back?” I ask as he puts the truck in drive and starts away from the monstrous hospital building.
“No baby, I’m not risking anything happening to you. Betty was a death trap.” As the words leave his mouth I suspect there’s a much deeper meaning to them. “She had to go sooner or later.” I watch as his fingers grip tightly around the leather steering wheel and decide to end the conversation there. Minutes pass by and soon enough my head falls against the window as my eye lids droop close. For a brief moment my mind is able to drift away and forget the lifetime worth of torture and pain that seem to follow me everywhere I go.
“Raegan?” Knox’s voice slowly invades my sleepy brain as I struggle to open my eyes. “Raegan, wake up baby we’re home.” I open my eyes and let out a soft yawn. I watch as Knox comes around the hood of the truck to the passenger side to help me out. He must see the confused look on my face before I even h
ave time to open my mouth.
“Knox, do you have to grab something from here or something?” I ask as I look over to the garage where he works.
“No. Come on Rae I want to show you something.” I follow him across the dirt lot and around the side of the building to a set of old wooden stairs leading up to a small doorway. The stairs creak in agony as we shift our weight from step to step. I start to worry when Knox opens a door to a small little room and we step in.
“What is this?” I ask as I take in the small kitchen. The walls are bright and clean, which is unusual for a room with only one small window. I walk to the small counter space and trace my fingertips along the counter.
“It’s yours…ours.” Knox comes up behind me and wraps his strong arms behind my waist making sure to avoid my stiches. “It’s your new home… for now. One day I’ll build you a house, but for now this is ours.” His lips are a hairs breath away from the shell of my ear. His warm breath sends shivers down my arms as he speaks.
“Ours?” I ask in a whisper unable to understand.
“Yeah Raegan, I’ve been working on it for a few weeks now. Mr. Dugal said we could stay here in trade for putting in more hours in the shop, and I figured…” his voice trails off as I turn around to face him. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go back to that house.” I can feel his emotion covering each word as he speaks. I still can’t get the last images of Kurt out of my head anytime it’s mentioned.
“You’re right Knox. I will never step foot in that house ever again.” He leans in to give me a soft kiss and for a moment panic strikes, but the contact of his soft lips against mine has my heartbeat calming. We continue the rest of the tour room by room which only lasts about ten minutes. Mostly Knox talks about his renovations and what each space looked like before and after. It’s not much after that that I start to tire out completely.