Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man

by Fannie Flagg

  Then she hit me, so I hit her back, and all of those kids jumped on me at once. Big families really stick together. Mr. Kowboski got them off and took me for a long walk. He told me not to feel bad. They were just jealous because I was an only child and didn’t live in a school bus. And I shouldn’t cry because I don’t fit in anywhere. That is what is going to make me special and it will all work out OK someday.

  I went to see the movie about the Communists. Boy, I don’t ever want to be one of those. Daddy and Mr. Honeywell are having a fight because Daddy thinks Mr. McCarthy, the Commie fighter, is wrong, but Mr. Honeywell says he is right to get all those Reds out of the country. After seeing that movie, I agree with Mr. Honeywell. Besides, I sure don’t want to stand in line forever to buy my groceries. I want to be rich, but I will be a good rich person.

  I’m in charge of the friendship basket for the Jr. Debutantes. I am going around all over Shell Beach and getting everyone to put stuff in it for the poor. I wonder who these poor people are. I never get to see them. I wanted to take that friendship basket up to the colored quarters and get them to put things in it and at the same time try and see if I couldn’t find that albino woman, Ula Sour. It would have been a perfect excuse to knock on all the doors, but Momma wouldn’t let me. She said the colored people don’t want to be bothered with a Jr. Debutante and besides, they need everything they have. But I did ask Peachy Wigham to contribute. She gave me a bottle of Thunderbird wine. Peachy won’t tell me where that albino woman lives for nothing.

  We got a letter from that little girl we adopted in South America and she writes letters better than I do. I think someone else wrote that letter. I can’t write in South American, so how come she can write in American? It’s fishy to me.

  Mrs. Dot’s thought for the day was: “Sincerity is as valuable as radium.”

  Michael’s mother is furious. For her birthday she got a pair of false teeth, uppers and lowers, and Mrs. Dot put it in her “Dashes from Dot” column. She didn’t want anybody to know, but Mrs. Dot prints the news while it is still news, and anything else you hear is just plain gossip.

  Everybody down here is upset as they can be and I know why. George Potlow, that man who runs the fishing pier, has a colored woman living with him. I heard Momma and Mrs. Romeo talking about it. They are afraid that because he was originally a Yankee, he might be married to her. I’ve seen her at that pier when I go up and kick all the fish back in the water. She’s real shy and nice, not at all like Velveeta. I asked her about where the albino woman lives and she won’t tell either. Velveeta stepped on a catfish and hasn’t been to work for a week. I’ll bet the catfish died!

  Jimmy Snow is out of jail. He said he was going to take me crop-dusting with him, but he made the mistake of saying it in front of Velveeta. Momma and Velveeta are still thick as thieves. Momma likes her better than me or Daddy and we are white people.

  I was in the malt shop the other night, washing dishes, when I discovered that if I stuck my head around the partition and the people in the place saw it was just a small child washing those dishes, they were very surprised.

  Because of my theatrical background, I took advantage of this and pretended I was an orphan that the Harpers had stolen. I told those customers I had been washing dishes for three years and my hands were withering away. Since some of the people were friends of Momma and Daddy and knew I was kidding, I got great laughs, especially when I asked them to contact the men in charge of the child labor laws.

  Momma saw me and wanted to know what in the world did I think I was doing, making such a racket. I guess I got carried away because I put a frying pan at the back of my head and made a halo and said, “Woman, dost thou not know that I must go about my father’s business?” Jesus said it to His momma when she was bothering Him at the temple. I got a great laugh from everybody. Momma seemed to think it was funny, too, until the last person was out the door. Then she started after me. I tried to run, but I got cornered on the back porch that leads to where we live.

  I was wedged in between the Coca-Cola boxes and couldn’t move to the right or the left. She beat the living daylights out of me. Daddy kept saying to her, “Now, Fay, calm down.” I embarrassed myself by pleading for mercy, a thing you never know you’ll do until the time comes.

  The boy Jesus didn’t get smacked when He said it. Mary just went on home and let Him alone. You sure can’t trust the Bible for guidance.

  It came home to me that night that Momma has certainly lost her sense of humor. From now on, I plan to walk softly as far as Momma is concerned.

  August 8, 1952

  I found out I got ringworm from Felix. If it gets in my head, they will have to shave off my hair. I’ll be bald just like Eisenhower, and I am a Democrat.

  The doctor said it’s one of the worst cases he’s ever seen. Momma has to put purple medicine, called itch-me-not, all over me. I have purple circles everywhere.

  That woman who is crazy over accessories finally came to the Jr. Debutantes’ Club. You wouldn’t believe it. Everybody was getting excited over a bunch of scarves and gloves and pearl collars. She said with the right accessories you can dress up any outfit. She had on a black dress and she kept adding pop beads and all kinds of things.

  She thought it changed the way she looked, but it didn’t. She said the well-dressed woman had a complete wardrobe of accessories for every occasion. At the end of her talk she set up shop and tried to sell us things.

  I might have bought something from her, but Kay Bob Benson screamed, “She’s got ringworm,” and they wouldn’t let me try anything on. That woman stayed away from me because I had white stuff on my face and purple rings all over me. I would liked to have had some pop beads, but you can’t buy anything unless you try it on.

  Kay Bob Benson won’t get anywhere near me because she is afraid of getting ringworm in her hair and she is crazy about her hair. Her mother takes her to Magnolia Springs to Nita’s Beauty Box every week and gets her hair fixed like Jane Powell’s, She looks as much like Jane Powell as I look like the Queen of Sheba. I’m not invited to her stupid birthday party because of the ringworm, so just as I was leaving Jr. Debutantes, I went over when she wasn’t looking and said, “Happy birthday,” and gave her a big birthday kiss right on the face. She about squealed her head off and ran in the live bait store to the sink and scrubbed her whole head and ruined her Jane Powell hairdo.

  Momma is going to make me send her a birthday present I am going to find out what perfume has the most bobcat pee in it. Or maybe I could give her a jar of Daddy’s hemorrhoid medicine with the rubber finger in it.

  Mrs. Dot’s thought for the day was: “Fashionable people never wear evening clothes in the daytime unless, of course, they are being buried.”

  August 13, 1952

  Jessie LeGore, the fat boy on Cotton Bayou, died. He sent me a sweetheart pillow because I had made him laugh once. I wish I had gone back to see him. I could have told him some jokes or done my Mario Lanza impersonation. He never hurt anyone. I don’t think anyone should have to die.

  Sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up and remember that I am going to have to die and it scares me so bad that I break out in a cold sweat and I go get in the bed with Momma and Daddy. Maybe by the time I grow up, they will find a cure for dying and I won’t have to worry.

  If anything happened to my momma or daddy, I couldn’t stand it. I saw Bambi when I was five and when Bambi’s mother got burned to death after she said, “Run, Bambi, run,” I started screaming and crying so loud they had to take me out of the theater. I wouldn’t let go of my mother for days. I can’t think about that fire without getting sick to my stomach. If I do die, I hope it is the end of the world, so I won’t be alone.

  Connie said they couldn’t get Jessie out of his room. He was so fat they had to tear the house apart, and it took fifteen men to pull him to his grave.

  This sweetheart pillow is the first gift I ever got from a dead person. He must have known he was going to d
ie, but he couldn’t get up and run. I would run so fast that nothing would catch me. I believe you can outrun death. I don’t even want to think what my momma and daddy would do if I died. Momma said I am the only reason she is living and if she didn’t have me, she would take a gun and blow her brains out. She stays with Daddy just so I will have a father. If it wasn’t for me, she would have left him a long time ago.

  Daddy said he wouldn’t want to live if anything happened to me. I take very good care of myself for that reason.

  When I told Michael that Jessie had died, all he wanted to know was how much did he weigh and how big was the grave. I don’t think Michael ever saw Bambi.

  August 16, 1952

  You won’t believe the act they have coming up at the Blue Gardenia Lounge after Pegleg Johnson. Her name is Tawney the Tassel Woman and her act is for adults only. She is billed as an exotic dancer and has played clubs in the French Quarter in New Orleans. I saw her picture. She must do a western dance because she had on a short cowgirl outfit.

  I’ve got to see her act somehow, but I don’t know how I’m going to arrange it after what happened the other night. I was standing around in the lobby of the lounge, talking to some of those poker men, waiting to get paid for taping Angel’s ears back, when Claude Pistal came in and told me to get the hell away from there and quit hanging around. I answered back I was an employee and I wasn’t leaving until I got paid. He called me a smart-ass brat and said if I didn’t watch out, he would kick me in my little butt.

  I told him if he so much as touched me, my daddy would beat him to a pulp. My momma would scratch his eyes out and if that wasn’t enough, Hank, who was a runner-up in the Mr. Universe contest, would knock his head off. And if that didn’t work, I would wait till he was asleep and stab him in the heart.

  Harold Pistal came around the corner and stopped him from clobbering me. They had a big argument. Claude said if he finds me hanging around there again, he will wring my neck.

  Harold led me inside his office and paid me and warned that I better not come up there anymore because his brother was pretty mean. Since Claude owns half the place, he gets his way. Harold asked me not to tell my daddy because ever since Claude’s wife died, Claude’s been crazy and might do anything.

  I said, “Your brother has no manners and is ugly to boot.”

  Claude Pistal is a creep! He is lucky I’m reasonably mild-mannered like Clark Kent.

  I got a ride up to the colored quarters and went in and had an Orange Crush with Peachy Wigham at the Elite Nightspot and told her how rotten Claude Pistal was. According to Peachy, he is so mean he would stick a knife in you and walk around you with it. What’s more, he is nothing but white trash and mean as snake shit, and I asked her what had happened to Claude’s wife and she told me that a lot of people down here think that he killed her himself. I was sorry I told him Daddy was going to beat him up after I heard that.

  August 18, 1952

  Michael and I went to the Magnolia Springs Theater and saw Johnny Sheffield, who plays Bomba, the Jungle Boy, in Elephant Stampede, The Hidden City, On Panther Island. He is great. I love his brown curly hair. My two favorites are Cornel Wilde and Johnny Sheffield. I hope I marry someone with curly hair. Michael has straight black hair. Too bad. The best thing was the theater announced a Coming Attraction for next month. They gave everybody there some ads to give out to get business. It says in big red letters;

  HEY KIDS, COME TO THE SMILEY BURNETTE PICTURE PARTY … IN PERSON, AT THE MAGNOLIA SPRINGS THEATER … DIRECT FROM HOLLYWOOD, SMILEY BURNETTE, ROTUND COMIC OF THE WESTERN SCREEN FAMED FOR HIS CLUMSY ANTICS.

  There’s a big picture of him and he is going to play an electric organ with a tone just like a huge pipe organ. And he’s awarding a free pony to some lucky boy or girl! He’s bringing a Hollywood photographer and every single boy or girl who comes to the show will have their picture taken with him free of charge. When he gets back to Hollywood, a group of judges will pick the picture they consider the most individual from an advertising point of view and the lucky boy or girl who is picked will receive free of charge a pony from Hollywood as payment for the use of their picture in Smiley Burnette’s advertisement.

  I know I am going to win that pony. Michael and I took as many of the ads as we could and hid them. We figure the fewer kids there, the better my chances will be. I paid Michael a dollar not to have his picture taken. He said OK. He didn’t want a pony anyway.

  I am going to make Momma take me to Nita’s Beauty Box and get a good hairdo, but if my ringworm doesn’t clear up, it might hurt my chances to win the pony.

  Jimmy Snow thinks I have a real good chance and so does Hank. Momma believes I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but she always says that, even about Christmas and I always get a lot of stuff. I am going to wear my swimsuit and my seersucker shirt. It might be bad luck to change outfits. Grandma Pettibone wears her lucky polka-dotted dress for the big bingo parties. She says you have to pull for things. I am going to take at least an hour a day and just sit and pull for this pony. They could even take me to Hollywood. You can never tell about these things.

  Johnny Sheffield might be a friend of Smiley Burnette’s and see my picture and want to meet me. Mrs. Dot says I’m darling. So does Michael’s mother. When Rose Mary Salvage comes across my picture in the Hollywood magazines, she is going to die!

  Everybody says if you could have a cheeseburger and a malt anytime you wanted it, you would get tired of them, but that’s not true. I’ve had about three cheeseburgers and two chocolate malts every day and still like them.

  The only thing bad about it is I don’t meet as many people as I thought I would. Most of the tourists stay a week and just as you get to know them, they leave.

  I miss Lassie very much and I have to hide Felix in the dirty clothes basket whenever the man from the health board comes. It is against the law to have an animal living where you serve food, particularly one with ringworm.

  Daddy has to sit on the ice cream freezer where all the dead animals are so the health inspector won’t look in it, but I don’t think they have any germs.

  Everybody is still very busy. Michael is going to go with me to see Tawney the Tassel Woman next week.

  Mrs. Dot let me help her with the women’s club plastic sale. Other than that, life is pretty dull. I can’t wait for Smiley Burnette to get to town.

  Michael and I went up there yesterday and saw an old movie, Test Pilot, with Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy. I hated it. Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy were friends and they went everywhere and flew planes. Myrna Loy, Clark Gable’s wife, sat at home and waited and didn’t do anything except at the end of the movie when she had a little boy. Every time they have somebody born in the movies, it is a little boy. They never have little girls being born. What makes boys so great and woooonnnderfullll? I can do anything a boy can do. I can even beat up Michael. It must be terrible to be born a girl and know that your daddy really wanted a little boy.

  August 22, 1952

  I just got back from a trip to Florida and Jackson. Grandma Pettibone called Momma in the middle of the night. She and that old man had eloped and gone to Florida. They hadn’t been there one night on their honeymoon when he got sick. So Momma had to go take them home to Jackson. She didn’t want to leave me behind because she knew Daddy would get drunk with Billy Bundy and Jimmy Snow while she was gone.

  When we got there, Grandma was waiting for us at the door. The first thing she said was: “I should have known better than to marry some old man.” We took the Greyhound bus to Jackson.

  Those seats are rough and made the back of my legs raw. Momma said to Grandma, “How could you marry again when you don’t know if Grandpa is dead or not? What if he shows up and they put it in the paper that you have two husbands?”

  Grandma thought about it for awhile and then she said, “I’d rather have two husbands than be married to one little worm!” I told you Momma never could get anywhere with Grandma.

  When we got ho
me from Jackson, Daddy was sober as a judge, but he did smell like Listerine and was taking a lot of B.C. headache powders.

  Roy Grimmett’s wife, Mava, had her sister come to the trailer and live with them. Her name is Edna and she is beautiful, a real Betty Grable type. She likes me very much. She was married to a sailor and he got killed and she is going to have a baby. Isn’t that sad? She works at the archery range and has a real big bust, too. I think she must be lonesome because she lets me spend a lot of time with her.

  Tonight, after Michael gets off work, he and I are going down to the Blue Gardenia Lounge and see Tawney the Tassel Woman.

  We talked about the Smiley Burnette picture contest coming up and he has a great idea. We can take that pony all around and let children sit on it and take their picture and charge them a dollar. Michael has a camera. The only thing I was wondering is if that pony came with a saddle. I would think so, all the way from Hollywood.

  August 23, 1952

  Last night Michael and I walked up to the Blue Gardenia Lounge the back way and snuck around the side of the building and waited for the ten o’clock show. I didn’t want to run into Claude Pistal again.

  We waited and waited and finally, we heard the band start up. We stood on the wooden Coca-Cola boxes we had brought and had a good view of the stage from the window. Michael was so excited he had to run around to the back and go to the bathroom. Aren’t boys lucky? Every time I have to go to the bathroom, the sand fleas get me bad.

  Pretty soon Tawney the Tassel Woman came on and do you know what? She isn’t even a dancer at all. She had two tassels on her brassiere and one down below. She started shaking around. She got one tassel going one way and the other one going the other way. The one down below was going a different way. Michael’s eyes about popped out of his head. I don’t know how she did it. Then they put out all the lights and put a blue spotlight on her and she just walked around and bent over and shook herself at the audience.