Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man

by Fannie Flagg

  I finally gave up and went over to the next booth where water was running in a little stream with little yellow plastic ducks floating down it. You could pick a duck out of the water for a quarter and the man would look at the number on the bottom of the duck and tell you what prize you had won. I stood there and watched for a long time and nobody ever won a big prize. He always reached under the counter and gave them some dinky prize, like a tin horn or a rubber spider, so I decided to skip that one. By then it was time to meet Michael at the Ferris wheel, but he didn’t show up until twenty minutes later.

  When he did show up, he had Vernon Mooseburger with him. The three of us rode the Ferris wheel and got off just in time, because some little girl waited until she was on the very top and threw up all over everybody. We also rode the caterpillar and the crazy mouse. Michael kept grabbing handfuls of cotton candy off of the small children’s paper cones when their parents weren’t looking. You should have heard them scream, but by that time Michael would be long gone. In one sideshow they had a two-headed sheep in a bottle, but I think it was rubber, a real gyp! We saw the fat man and we wasted our money on that because Michael and I both agreed Jessie LeGore had been fatter, but Vernon thought it was great and wonderful.

  My favorite was the half man, half woman. One side of him was dressed in a black suit with a sock and shoes on one foot, and the other side of him had on makeup and a high heel with one leg in some red pedal pushers. He had a half of a mustache. I tried to talk to him so I could see if he had a man’s or a woman’s voice, but the man inside told me I wasn’t supposed to talk to the act. I think for fifty cents I should have gotten at least a sentence.

  We walked around looking for a game I could win at when I saw just the thing I wanted to get Mrs. Underwood. A black and white plaster cocker spaniel with sparkle on it. It was on the shelf of the man who guesses your weight. He claimed he could guess your weight within three pounds. I went up there and gave him my quarter. He looked at me and said, “Little girl, I think you weigh ninety-two pounds.” I was hoping and praying he would be wrong, but I got on the scale and weighed ninety-three pounds. I made Michael and Vernon do it too, but he guessed right both times. He must have been an expert. I was disappointed because Mrs. Underwood sure would have loved that black and white cocker spaniel.

  I had only about $2 left because I had to pay for Michael and Vernon to have their weight guessed. There was one booth where you try and throw a wooden ring around a stick with a prize on it, but none of the prizes looked good to me. It was mostly packs of cigarettes and Mrs. Underwood doesn’t smoke. Then I saw the one I was going to try next. All you had to do was to throw a penny into an ashtray and you could win yourself a goldfish in a little round bowl. I made that man give me $2 worth of pennies.

  Do you know how hard it is to throw a penny into a simple ashtray? They bounce right out. After I tossed $1.68 worth, my penny bounced out of one ashtray and into another. Hooray! I picked out the biggest and the goldest goldfish they had. Mrs. Underwood was going to be crazy about this. Did you know they don’t give you the bowl! That man poured my fish into a little white cardboard box with a wire handle and gave it to me. I said, “Don’t I get the bowl?”

  He said, “No.”

  “Why not? What good is a fish without the bowl?”

  He said, real disgusted like, “Read the sign, girlie, it says win a goldfish. It doesn’t say anything about a bowl.”

  “Then why do you put them in bowls and fool people into thinking that they are going to get a bowl?”

  “Do you want the fish or not?”

  I took it.

  You have to watch those carnival people all the time. As we turned around to go, Vernon Mooseburger gave him the finger. I had thirty-two cents left, so we decided to ride the merry-go-round. I picked out a beautiful white horse with a red saddle. Michael picked out a black one with a gold saddle and Vernon had to settle for a brown one. When the merry-go-round stopped, we had to run like everything for our horses before anyone else grabbed them.

  Michael and I got ours, but Vernon missed his and wound up with a little white one on the other side. We were having a fine time and my horse went way up in the air, much higher than Michael’s. All the little kids were waving to their parents, and some of the parents stood on the side of the horse and held them so they wouldn’t fall off. We had been around about fifteen times when I looked out and guess who was there in the crowd. Claude Pistal! I nearly had a heart attack. We came around again and he was still there, staring right at me.

  I was so scared he was going to kill me my hair stood up on my head. I jumped off of my horse and started running. I went over two of the benches where the parents sit with small children and flew off the other side. I looked back and there he was coming right after me. I must have knocked down ten people in my way out the entrance gate and on towards the parking lot. I nearly went crazy trying to find Mrs. Dot’s car. My heart was pounding so hard I could barely breathe.

  When I found the car, it was locked and somebody was coming up behind me. I ran to the last car, which was a pickup truck, and it was locked, too. Nothing but an open field was on the other side of the parking lot and I knew if I ran out in that field, Claude Pistal could shoot me. All I could do was climb in the back of that truck and hide under some potato sacks. I heard someone opening car doors, shutting them, and getting closer and closer. Pretty soon I couldn’t hear anything but my own heart sounding like a bass drum. All of a sudden somebody was walking around my truck. I said a Hail Mary. Whoever it was got in the truck and drove it out of the parking lot onto the highway, with me in it. All I could think of was: “Thank you, Blessed Mother,” and I’m not even Catholic. Then I got to wondering what if it was Claude Pistal’s truck. When whoever was driving stopped at an intersection, I peeked in the back window and saw it was some old man who had a little boy with him who was sound asleep. I started banging on the window and yelling, “Let me out of this truck!” I woke his little boy and nearly scared him to death.

  The old man stopped the truck and wanted to know why I was there. I don’t think he believed I was hiding from a killer, but since he lived just outside of Magnolia Springs, he agreed to let me out when he got to town. He asked whether I didn’t want to sit up front with him, and I sure did. Those potato sacks smelled as bad as that livestock barn.

  After he let me out, I ran all the way around the back roads and came up behind the Elite Nightspot. I banged and banged on the door until Peachy Wigham finally answered in her nightgown. She said, “Lord, honey, we’re closed on Monday nights,” but by that time I was already inside. She said, “Child, what is the matter with you, you are as white as a ghost.”

  I started babbling as fast as I could, not making any sense, just like Mrs. Dot’s column. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get anything to come out right. Peachy made me take a drink of whiskey to calm me down. I told her she had to call my daddy and the FBI because Claude Pistal was here and was going to kill me. In about twenty minutes Daddy and Jimmy Snow arrived.

  After I told them Claude Pistal was not in South America but right here in Harwin County and had chased me and almost caught me, too, Daddy went in the next room and had a talk with Peachy. She unlocked a closet and brought out two paper sacks with something in them. She gave Daddy one and Jimmy Snow one. Daddy came over to me and said, “I want you to stay right here with Peachy and don’t worry about anything.” It wasn’t until after they left that I realized that I had lost my hat with my name on it, but I still had the goldfish.

  Peachy got a big shotgun out of the closet and put her chair right in the middle of the room and sat down. I was so tired by this time I could hardly see straight. She told me to go in her room and go to bed, that everything was going to be all right, she would take care of my goldfish. It was dark in the back room and there was another person in that bed! I hoped it wasn’t Peachy’s boyfriend because Mrs. Dot said you were not supposed to touch a colored man, but at that
point I didn’t much care. I crawled right up against whoever it was and went to sleep.

  The next morning I opened my eyes, and for a minute I forgot where I was. Then I turned over and looked right into the face of ULA SOUR, THE ALBINO WOMAN! I started hollering for Peachy to come in right away. Peachy came running with the shotgun and said, “What’s the matter?”

  I said, “There’s an albino in your bed.”

  Then Peachy laughed because Ula Sour was sitting up looking at me, as surprised as I was to see me in her bed. Peachy said, “Honey, you got in the wrong bed.”

  “I said, “You didn’t say what bed to get in. I didn’t know you had two beds.”

  She introduced Ula and me. She’s the one I heard walking around in that back room when I went up there to get Jimmy Snow. I told her I was sorry I scared her but I was real happy to meet her, I’d been wanting to for a long time. She was very nice and she wasn’t all white. She had two big brown spots on her like that cocker spaniel dog at the fair, not scary-looking at all.

  We got out of bed, and Ula made us a cup of coffee. I asked Ula why she never went out. She said people had made fun of her since she was little because she was an albino and she was tired of it And guess what else I found out? She works for Peachy in the colored mortuary as an undertaker and a maid at night. Imagine a colored person having a maid. Peachy said she was the best undertaker she had ever hired. I’ll bet she’s who I got those maggots from. We played the jukebox waiting for Daddy and admired the goldfish that Peachy had put in a pickled pig’s feet jar for me.

  About nine-thirty Daddy came to get me. I introduced him to “Ula Sour, the famous albino and undertaker,” and he thanked them for taking care of his little girl. He handed those two paper sacks to Peachy and she put them back in the closet. I asked Daddy what was in those sacks and he said, “Never mind. Just come on, we are going home.” I got my goldfish and I told Ula I’d like to come back and see her sometime. She said I could.

  When we got to the car, I asked Daddy when I was going to have to testify against Claude Pistal and he said, “You’re not.”

  “I’m not?”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “Why not?”

  “You’re just not, so don’t worry about it.”

  “Why not?”

  When he just kept on driving, I asked again, “Why not?” He said, “Because Claude Pistal is dead, that’s why.”

  “He is?”

  Daddy said, “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  I thought for a minute and said, “How do you know?”

  He said, “I just know.”

  “You knew he was in South America, too, and he wasn’t.”

  Then Daddy said, “When I tell you he’s dead, he’s dead. Have I ever lied to you before? Now just shut up about it.” I did, but he has lied to me before, plenty of times. What about the time he told me that Santa Claus had been killed in a bus accident?

  He took me to the Tastee Freeze and bought me a malt while he went across the street for a beer. When we got home, Mr. Kilgore from the FBI was waiting for us. Daddy turned to me and said, “Just shut up,” but I hadn’t even opened my mouth.

  Mr. Kilgore said, “Mr. Harper, we’ve been looking all over for you. I wanted to inform you that Claude Pistal was found shot to death up at the landing strip outside Magnolia Springs.”

  Daddy said, “Thank God. Do you have any idea who did it?”

  Mr. Kilgore said, “We are pretty sure it was a gangland killing. There were ten bullet holes in him. We found out he was involved with a dope ring operating out of Cuba. In fact, a lot of the gang had been hanging around the Blue Gardenia Lounge. We’ve been waiting to make arrests.”

  When I heard that, all I could think was I had probably been up there playing poker with murderers and killers. Thank goodness I hadn’t tried to cheat like I do with Daddy sometimes. Mr. Kilgore said Claude had flown out of South America into Cuba and had taken a small plane and landed it at an old airstrip up the road that nobody uses much anymore except crop dusters. As a matter of fact, it had been a crop duster named Jimmy Snow that had discovered the body and had called them. Daddy thanked him for telling us. Mr. Kilgore was sorry I had been so scared.

  After Mr. Kilgore left, I looked at Daddy and he looked at me. I was wondering how he knew Claude was dead at ten o’clock when the body hadn’t even been discovered yet. But just then we heard the police sirens coming down the highway. Three police cars skidded up in front of the house and stopped. About five policemen jumped out and started banging on the door, saying, “Open up, it’s the police.”

  Daddy went to the door and the policeman said, “Is Daisy Fay Harper here?”

  I said, “Here I am,” wondering what in the world they were going to do to me.

  The policeman said, “Are you all right?”

  “Yes, I’m just fine, why?”

  “Thank God, little girl, we have been looking for you since last night. A woman named Mrs. Dot is almost crazy with worry.” She had called the Harwin County Highway Patrol and the police department with some story about this little girl being kidnapped by a white slaver at the fair and had dealt them a fit all night, threatening to put all their names in the paper and ruin their reputations if they didn’t find me.

  Daddy said, “I’m Bill Harper, her father, and maybe I can explain the misunderstanding. My little girl spent the night with a friend of hers and forgot to tell Mrs. Dot.”

  And the policeman said, “Where were you, Mr. Harper? We had somebody here looking for you all night.”

  Daddy said, “Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Could I talk to you for a second over here?” And the policeman and Daddy went over to where they thought I couldn’t hear, but I heard what Daddy said because his voice had gotten real high.

  He said, “Uh, fellow, do you know a woman named Rayette Walker?” The policeman must have, because he started to laugh, and Daddy said, “You see, I am separated and …”

  The policeman said, “Don’t worry, buddy. I figured it was something like that.”

  Daddy said, “Thanks.”

  Then the policeman said, “OK, boys, it’s all right. Let’s go,” and he turned to me and said, “Don’t ever do that again, little girl. That poor Mrs. Dot is hysterical.”

  I said, “Where is she?”

  He said they had her up at the sheriff’s office lying down, with a doctor and Michael’s mother putting ice on her head. After they left, Daddy looked at me and I looked at him.

  I said, “Who is Rayette Walker?”

  He said, “Nobody.”

  I said, “Are you sure?”

  He said, “Yes, I’m sure.”

  I said, “How do you know you’re sure?”

  He said, “Have I ever lied to you?”

  I gave up.

  I visited Mrs. Dot and was she glad to see me! If anything happened to one of her Jr. Debutantes, she would have just died. I didn’t tell her what really happened. That would have sent her into another fit.

  After that, I made Daddy take me up to the Magnolia Springs Clinic to give Mrs. Underwood her goldfish. This time I went in the front door because I had an “ADULT.” That ole nurse was rude as could be. She said it was against the rules to bring an animal into the clinic. Daddy told her if she didn’t let me take that goddamned goldfish in there to Mrs. Underwood, he would tear the clinic apart, brick by brick, even though it was wooden.

  The nurse said, looking real mean, “All right, but I can certainly understand why your little girl is the way she is, after meeting you.”

  You should have seen Mrs. Underwood’s face. She was as happy as she could be with that goldfish. She said it was beautiful and she would rather have that than a black and white plaster cocker spaniel with sparkle on it any day.

  After we left, I asked Daddy if he didn’t think Mrs. Underwood looked like Gene Tierney. He said, “Yes, she looked just like her.” I told you so. I am w
riting Gene Tierney a letter and telling her she has a look-alike living in Magnolia Springs, Mississippi. You never know when she may need a stand-in!

  Michael and Vernon Mooseburger said Mrs. Dot made them stay at that fair two hours after it closed and had everybody that worked there looking for me. Even Kay Bob Benson had to go in a search party, with the alligator man. I missed his act. When Michael and Vernon asked me why I went all funny and jumped off of the merry-go-round before my ride was up, I said I had to go to the bathroom real bad, and got a ride home because I didn’t want to use a public bathroom that freaks used. Do you know what? They believed me!

  You should see the papers … the front page is all about Claude Pistal. They even ran a picture of Jimmy Snow pointing to the spot where he discovered the body. Jimmy sure looks like an albino in that picture. The article said that ten bullets from three different guns had been used and that three bullets from a .22 caliber pistol were found in his liver. Somebody was a good shot unless they had been aiming for his heart. Claude’s real name was Claude Piastelia and he had been in jail on all kinds of things, including manslaughter. Boy, I am glad he is dead. The only thing I can’t figure out is how Daddy knew Claude was dead at 9:30 that morning when the paper said Jimmy Snow didn’t discover the body until 10:08.

  December 6, 1952

  Today Harold Pistal brought Angel down to the house to say good-bye. They are moving away because of all the stuff that was in the papers about Claude. Thank goodness Angel can’t read yet. She had on a Davy Crockett hat that she is just crazy about. I don’t think she even knows that Claude is dead. When we all took a walk on the beach, I told Harold I was sorry his brother had been killed. Because I wasn’t going to lie, I also said that since Claude was trying to kill me, I wasn’t as sorry as I should be, and after all, I was an only child and was needed at home. Harold thought maybe it was better he was dead. Angel was making a crooked sand castle and couldn’t hear, so he confessed to me that Claude had killed his wife in a jealous rage and was never the same after that. I wasn’t surprised to hear it. When I asked him if Claude had killed Ruby Bates, he said probably. What’s more, Harold already knew from Claude about me seeing Ruby and him together. I almost fainted on that one. Claude had remembered after all. I said, “I knew he was trying to kill me that night up at the fair.”