“It’s not that. Something could happen, and you might need help.”
“Well, Grandma and Grandpa are down the hallway, and I have a phone, so…” She wasn’t even a teenager yet, and her attitude oozed from her pores. She picked up her phone and waved it at me. “Seriously, I don’t want to pack up all my stuff and go over there.”
I knew Lizzie was responsible enough to stay home unsupervised for an hour. She was a good kid with a good head on her shoulders. But leaving her alone for the first time would force me to acknowledge that she was getting older. Having her at such a young age had been so difficult, but I couldn’t imagine my life happening any other way. The closer she got to eighteen, the tighter I wanted to hold her. But I had to start letting go. “Okay. We’ll try it.”
Lizzie gave me an incredulous look, like she couldn’t believe I’d actually said yes. “Cool!”
“You stay right there and do your homework. No ice cream.”
“Okay, fine. Grandma gives it to me all the time behind your back, but whatever.”
I swore that my mother purposely spoiled Lizzie as payback for me having a baby as a teenager.
Derek had asked me to come over with no time to prepare, so I shouldn’t have to change into something nice, but I wanted to maintain my professionalism since he paid me such a high salary. So I put on a dress and heels then headed to the door. “Call Grandma if anything happens.”
“Mom, nothing is gonna happen.” She grabbed her pencil again and got back to work.
I stared at her for a moment, pride rushing through me at the sight of her working on her homework. She was such a sweet kid—when her attitude wasn’t burning at full force. She had a wonderful personality, a beautiful face, and I was proud she was mine. “I’ll be back soon.”
When I approached his door, I pulled out my keys and let myself in so he wouldn’t have to get up when I knocked. My heart was still beating hard because I was anxious. He never asked for my presence after hours like this, at least not without giving a reason. I knew he wouldn’t fire me, so I figured it was something much worse.
When I stepped inside, he was standing there, waiting for me. In jeans and a shirt, he stood with his arms over his chest, his dark hair still styled like he’d taken a shower when he got home. His brown eyes were fixed on me, unblinking, like he didn’t want to miss a single second of this moment.
I shut the door behind me and set my purse on the nearby table. “Hey.” I came closer to him, my eyes shifting back and forth to take in his serious features. He usually looked like this, with stark emotion, like he was furious and subdued at the same time. But tonight, something seemed different.
He didn’t say anything back.
We’d been working together for three months, and that allowed me to read him better than most people could. I picked up on the subtle cues of his body language, even the various intensity levels of his eyes. But right now, I was staring at a blank wall. “Derek?”
He dropped his arms and slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. His shoulders stretched the fabric of his shirt, and all the veins in his arms showed just how tight his skin was over the bulging muscles. He took a step closer, one hand moving to the back of his neck to give it a quick massage. His eyes dropped for a moment, like he didn’t want to have this conversation even though he was the one who had asked for my presence.
Now, I was really scared. Maybe he did want to fire me. What could I have done to make him decide that? I attended to every need, knew exactly what he wanted before he even wanted it. On top of that, we were so close. In that moment, I realized he was my closest friend outside of my family. My desire for this man had never gone away. I just locked it up in an indestructible safe, but all I had to do was open the door and it would come bursting out. So if he did fire me, that meant I would have to let him go…and I didn’t want to do that.
He raised his head once more and looked at me, dropping his arm to his side. He stepped closer to me, closing the gap between us until we were face-to-face. I wore a pair of heels, so we were almost eye level with each other. He only had to tilt his chin slightly downward to meet my look.
I forgot to breathe for a few seconds.
Only he could handle a moment as intense as this in pure silence. Other people rambled on when they were nervous, but he never got nervous, so he could handle the energy in the air and breathe it into his lungs over and over. After staring at me for a full minute, he moved in closer, and his hands made contact with my hips.
I inhaled a deep breath at his touch, feeling the goose bumps form down my arms and legs, feeling the weakness in my knees at his touch. Now his face was close to mine, his gaze giving me a level of intimacy that was far above friendship.
Now I knew why I was there.
He maintained his hold for a few seconds, his eyes studying my reaction. When I relaxed in his embrace, his hands left my hips and glided across my back. His fingers slid into the deep curve of my spine, and he gripped the fabric of my dress tightly. His other hand snaked farther up my spine as he came closer to me, bringing our bodies directly in contact with each other.
Oh my god.
It was an out-of-body experience. I was deep in the moment, feeling his magnetic pull just as I did when we were together on the couch. It felt so right, so comfortable. My hands immediately moved to the crooks of his elbows and glided up to his biceps. I could see myself in his embrace, see myself as a woman he wanted.
My heart had never worked this hard.
I had no control over what I was doing. Everything was just happening—happening to me like I was a character in a story who had no power over her decisions. As a pragmatic person, I knew this was a bad idea. But as a woman who worshiped this man, I couldn’t turn away.
His hand tugged on my lower back, and he brought me closer into him, our foreheads coming together in the most intimate embrace we’d ever shared. It was tender and gentle, nothing like the erotic stories he had written. It seemed like all he wanted was to hold me, feel that powerful connection between our bodies.
I had never felt this way with another man. I had never felt an explosion of emotion without even kissing him. It was more than just physical attraction. My affection for him was so deep. I hadn’t realized the intensity of my feelings until then because I refused to allow myself to feel anything at all…when he was a playboy and my boss.
His hand left my back and slid into my hair, gently pulling it from my face, touching me the way I loved to be touched. His thumb rested against my cheek, and he looked down at my lips like he wanted to kiss me.
My hands left his arms and moved up his chest, feeling his hardness for the first time. I’d seen him shirtless once before. I knew exactly what was underneath that cotton, that strong chest, those grooves in his tight muscles. But nothing compared to that gorgeous face, that shadow across his jawline, those full lips, those deep eyes.
His deep voice penetrated the silence. “I haven’t been with anyone in a long time…”
I stared at his lips as he spoke then lifted my gaze once again. I didn’t want him to feel my racing pulse because my potent reaction was almost embarrassing. I could actually feel the blood pounding in my ears.
He stared at my lips for a while before he brought our faces together and kissed me.
Wow.
It wasn’t a hard kiss between two anxious lovers, like we’d met in a bar and couldn’t wait to get our clothes off so we could screw. It was soft, a gentle touch between our lips, an introduction to a profound union. His hand slid farther into my hair as his lips moved against mine. He tilted his head to the other side and brought my upper lip between his for an affectionate embrace. He continued to kiss me over and over, giving me the kind of kiss I’d never encountered before because other men couldn’t do it the way he could.
Damn, he was so good at that.
His hand threaded through my hair, and he cupped the back of my neck as he kissed me a little harder. I could hear t
he sound of our wet lips sliding past each other and breaking apart before colliding again. Our breathing increased, echoing in our ears and making our passion audible.
My arms hooked around his neck, and I pulled him close, getting lost in the best kiss I’d ever had. It wasn’t just satisfying for my lips, but my entire body. It was easy to fall deep and hard, to fall completely into this man.
He pulled me tighter against him before he pulled his lips away from mine, stripping the oxygen from my lungs. He paused to stare at my mouth, as if he needed another look to make sure this was real. “Baby…” He moved in again and kissed me harder than last time, his hands gripping me possessively, grabbing me hard the way a man grabbed his woman.
I knew he felt what I felt, felt how good this was, how right it was. That made me forget the world and everyone in it. It made me forget that he was my boss and the fact that this was a really stupid idea. But it was so good that I didn’t care. Truth was, Derek Hamilton had already ruined all other men for me. His intelligence was so sexy, his good heart was even sexier. His beautiful qualities just happened to come in a drop-dead gorgeous package.
He didn’t try to direct me into a bedroom or on a couch. It seemed like he just wanted to kiss me, like this was all the satisfaction he needed. He parted my lips with his and gave me his tongue before he accepted mine, moaning like this kiss was just as impressive to him as it was to me. He spent his time with young women who were eager to please him, but I seemed to be just as satisfying.
My hands automatically went underneath his shirt to feel his chiseled body, and when I touched those steel abs and that warm skin, I pictured him on top of me, his hips between my thighs, his dick inside me, his eyes on me as he made love to me.
I wanted that so badly.
If this kiss was so damn good, everything else would be even better.
In that moment, my job didn’t matter. Our friendship didn’t matter. But there was one thing that did matter…and I couldn’t forget it.
That gave me the strength to pull away.
Derek released me, but one hand remained on my hip, like he wasn’t ready to let me go. His eyes were intense but also wild, like he’d completely dropped his guard for me. He still looked at me like he wanted me, like I would never be just his friend again.
I ran my fingers through my hair and came down from my high, feeling the hard crash as I hit the earth. “I’m sorry… I can’t do this.” My eyes dropped to the floor for a moment so I wouldn’t have to see his devastated expression. After I swallowed the lump in my throat, I looked at him again.
He dropped his hand from my hip, but the intensity of his expression didn’t wane. “I don’t want to sleep with you. I want to be with you.” His eyes shifted back and forth as he looked at my expression, as if the clarification were enough to fix the problem.
His words touched me, even though I already knew what his intentions were. I knew he would never put me in this position if it was just sex. And I knew, based on the feelings inside my heart, there was something real here. It wasn’t just physical. Our connection was much deeper than that. But we could never have that…because we wanted different things in life. “You’re my boss, Derek. I want to keep this relationship professional. I think it’s best if we just pretend this never happened…” It hurt me to say these things, to brush it off like it wasn’t the best kiss of my whole damn life.
His eyes narrowed, as if I’d slapped him across the face. “We can have both. We can have a professional relationship and a personal one.”
I would risk my job for him in a heartbeat because he was worth it. If we were together for years and then went our separate ways, and then it became so awkward that I couldn’t work for him anymore, it would still be worth it. But that wasn’t the problem. “You just…aren’t the kind of man I’m looking for.” There was one person in the world I would always love more than anyone else. I could never be with somebody who wouldn’t love her just as much. I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone because I’d decided to wait until she was out of the house before settling down with a husband. I would make an exception to that for Derek, but I knew how he felt about my daughter without him even knowing about her.
Derek had nothing to say to that.
I turned away and picked up my purse from the table. I took my time because I didn’t want to face him. Whenever I looked at him, I would think about that scorching kiss. I would think that I’d just lost the perfect man.
He came closer to me and met me at the door. He wore an expression I’d never seen before, like he didn’t know what to make of the last thing I said. It was probably the first time in his life a woman had turned him down, and he had no idea what to do.
“I should go…” I moved to the door.
Derek let me go and didn’t touch me again.
Now this would be awkward no matter what I did, no matter what I said. We would just have to push through it until we stopped thinking about it. “Good night…” I walked down the hallway and didn’t look back.
Ten
Derek
I left the lobby and approached the black Escalade waiting for me. There was a heavy sense of dread in my heart, and with every step, that unease worsened. I didn’t regret my actions from the night before. I wasn’t ashamed of her rejection. I was simply bewildered by it.
I wasn’t the kind of man she was looking for.
What kind of man was she looking for? Why didn’t I qualify? What were her prerequisites? I examined the issue like she was a machine that required the input of specific data, but I had no idea what that data was.
I approached the back door and got inside.
Ronnie greeted me, like he did every morning. “Good morning, Mr. Hamilton.”
“Morning.” I knew Emerson was beside me without looking at her. I wasn’t a coward, but I didn’t want to address her directly. Our kiss from the night before was still on my lips. I could still taste her. I could still feel her. My unusual memory capacity made me relive things like they were happening in real time. I went over that moment over and over.
She didn’t greet me either.
It was a long, awkward drive to my office. I pulled out my paperwork from my satchel and got to work, pretending she wasn’t beside me at all. My work usually occupied my mind to the exclusion of all other matters, but in this case, it wasn’t strong enough to make me forget her entirely.
When we arrived at my office, we took the golf cart to the compound, and I walked inside without looking back. When I’d kissed her, I’d thought it was a preamble to a deep relationship, and based on our connection, I’d assumed she wanted the same thing. I never did anything spontaneously, so I’d rehearsed that moment in my head many times before I executed it. I assumed our feelings were mutual, so her rejection was a complete surprise.
Now I didn’t know what to do.
I went to work right away and tried to forget the whole episode. Emerson went to work in my office and then eventually left to go to my corporate office across the compound. When she wasn’t around, I felt a lot more comfortable, but she was never far from my thoughts.
Jerome came to my side. “You okay, man?”
I stared down at my work and didn’t meet his gaze. “Yeah. Why?”
“Because you look pissed.”
I raised my chin and met his look. “I always look like this.”
He shook his head as he chuckled. “Trust me, you don’t.”
Days went by, and we didn’t speak to each other. I expected her to try to rectify the situation, but she just let it be. Instead of getting better in time, it seemed to get worse. I felt like I’d lost her altogether because our old friendship wasn’t there any longer.
But I didn’t know what to do about it.
You aren’t the kind of man I’m looking for.
Those words continued to haunt me. What did she mean by that? If I wasn’t the kind of man she was looking for, that didn’t mean I couldn’t be with some changes. She sh
ut me down quickly and resolutely, like any other option wasn’t up for discussion.
Those words continued to play in my head…over and over.
I could be the man she was looking for.
I sat with Dr. Collins in my living room for my weekly session. By the time I’d remembered I needed to cancel it, it was too late. I was used to Emerson doing everything for me, but now I was purposely avoiding her so I couldn’t ask for her assistance.
I sat across from him, not in the mood to chat.
Dr. Collins stared at me. “I can detect quite a bit of hostility from you, Dr. Hamilton.”
“It’s been a rough week.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Well, my fee is seven hundred dollars an hour, and sitting in silence isn’t the best way to spend it.”
I rubbed my fingers across my jawline. “I don’t care about money.”
“Then what do you care about? Let’s talk about that.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but out of respect, I didn’t.
“How are things with Emerson?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I released a long sigh.
“What’s the story there, Dr. Hamilton?”
Every time I walked through the front door of my penthouse, I crossed the spot where I had kissed her. And every time that happened, I relived that moment, all the intensity included. I remembered exactly how it felt to squeeze her body, to cherish her lips with mine. Every time I relived it, I wanted it to be reality. I accepted her rejection, but that didn’t mean I wanted to. I’d give anything to kiss her again. It was different with her compared to every other woman I’d been with. Our kiss wasn’t foreplay. It was a beautiful union between our souls. My feelings had been conflicted up until that point, but when I kissed her…I knew. My old lifestyle was off the table because my brain and my soul were addicted to Emerson. She satisfied me in a way a twenty-one-year-old couldn’t. It was the first time in ten years that I’d wanted something more, that I’d found a woman I didn’t want to live without.
The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless Book 6) Page 10