But she didn’t want me. “I kissed her…”
Anyone else would have a more distinct reaction, obnoxious commentary, but he listened to my words with a blank stare. “And?”
“She kissed me back.”
“This sounds like a happy story, but your tone says otherwise.”
I rested my cheek against my closed knuckles. After another deep breath, I elaborated. “It felt right to me. But she ended the kiss and told me I wasn’t the man she was looking for…” Saying it out loud hurt me all over again. How could she say I was the greatest man she knew, but then turn around and say I wasn’t right for her?
“How do you feel about that?”
I considered the question for a long time before I answered. “Shitty.”
“When did this happen?”
“Four days ago.”
“How’s your relationship been?”
I shrugged. “No idea. We haven’t spoken.”
He stared at me for a long time and didn’t take any notes. “It sounds like you need to talk about what happened.”
“She said she wanted to pretend it never happened.”
“Well, that can’t be true. Otherwise, she wouldn’t ignore you.”
I was against therapy in the beginning because I assumed it would be an interrogation. But Dr. Collins had turned into an objective person who I could speak to, who I could be candid with in complete confidentiality.
“You should talk to her, Dr. Hamilton.”
“And say what?” I snapped.
“Say what you feel.”
I looked away. “I’m not the right man for her…and I don’t know why.”
“And you want to be the right man for her, correct?”
I didn’t completely understand my feelings for her, but I was devastated by her rejection. I expected that to be the beginning of a relationship even deeper than what we already had. I didn’t know where it would go, but I knew no other woman could satisfy me in the way she did. I could be completely myself with her, and I knew I wasn’t gonna find that with anyone else. “Yes.”
“Then ask her.”
I had her address on file, so I knew where she lived. I’d never been to her apartment before, but I’d been in the car with Ronnie when we’d dropped her off at her building. After I left my car on the street, I entered the lobby and walked to the fourth floor.
When I reached her front door, I stood there and stared for a few minutes. I could wait to have this conversation tomorrow, but I didn’t want to talk about this at work. If I invited her to my penthouse for a conversation, she might say no. And talking on the phone would just be weird. After a deep breath, I knocked on the door.
Seconds later, footsteps were audible on the other side of the door.
Knowing I was about to come face-to-face with her gave me a jolt of adrenaline. I wasn’t nervous because I never got nervous, but I was certainly uneasy.
After she looked through the peephole, she opened the door. Surprise was written all over her face, like she couldn’t believe I was there. “Derek? What are you doing here?” She was in black leggings and a blue sweater. Her hair and makeup were still done even though it was almost eight, but she was dressed casually to enjoy the rest of the night on the couch.
It was the first time I’d made direct eye contact with her since I’d kissed her. I was painfully reminded how beautiful she was, but I was also reminded of what she had said before she left. “Why am I not the kind of man you’re looking for?” I didn’t mean to bark out the question so aggressively, but that was what came tumbling out when I opened my mouth. “You say I’m the most caring man you’ve ever met, the most inspiring man you’ve ever met, but yet, I’m still not good enough for you?”
Her surprised expression slowly faded into a pained one.
“Maybe you think I’m a womanizer, but I’m not. I dated women like Fleur because I didn’t want anything serious. But I do want something serious now, and I want something serious with you. So tell me how I can be the kind of man you’re looking for. I’m a pretty smart guy, so I’m sure I can figure it out.” I didn’t want her out with another man, not when I was the only man who deserved her. I didn’t want to move on with my life like nothing happened. I wanted to fight for this woman.
She kept one hand on the door and tilted her chin slightly to the floor as she listened to what I said. Her eyes closed briefly, and she released a heavy sigh. When she lifted her chin and looked at me again, her voice came out as a whisper. “Derek, you are the most amazing man I’ve ever met. But…”
“Mom!” A young girl appeared in the background, wearing pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. “Mom, the washer is broken again.” When she realized the front door was open, she stilled and looked right at me…like she knew me.
And she looked just like Emerson.
Then a wide grin spread across her face before she winked at Emerson. “Never mind…carry on.” She disappeared the way she came, her laughter audible until she was down the hallway.
What the fuck just happened?
Mom?
I stared at the spot where the young girl had been, and I felt my heart pick up in speed. My chest vibrated with the pulses. Everything hit me so hard at once, bruising me all over. It took me a few seconds to look at Emerson again.
Her eyes were closed, as if in shame. When she moved her hand to her hip, she released a loud sigh before she looked at me again. “I told you you weren’t the kind of man I was looking for…”
She had a kid?
A daughter?
I was blindsided the instant I saw the girl in the background, but I remained blindsided long afterward. When Emerson said she didn’t want to be with me, I’d brainstormed explanations in my head, and her being a mother was never one of them.
I thought I knew Emerson well. She was my closest friend. But now I wasn’t sure if I knew her at all…
I felt a lot of things, but the biggest emotion inside my chest was anger.
How could she not tell me? She encouraged me to open up and let my walls come down, but she didn’t take her own goddamn advice.
Was she married? Was there a husband in the picture too?
The next morning, I was already at my office when she texted me. Ronnie and I are outside.
I texted her back, just as a courtesy to Ronnie. I drove to work.
The three dots lit up like she was typing a message, but then they disappeared and she never said anything at all.
I got to the office just as the sun rose. I couldn’t sleep the night before, and all I wanted to do was focus on my work because that was the only thing strong enough to engage my thoughts. Pierre and Jerome came in later and fired up their machines.
Pierre came to my side. “You’re here early.”
I ignored what he said and focused on our task. “Do you have those numbers I asked for?”
He set his backpack on the table and unzipped it. “Where’s Emerson?”
I ignored him again and waited for the papers.
He handed them over. “Please tell me you didn’t fire her.”
I flipped through the papers and took a seat.
When Pierre knew I wouldn’t say anything else, he walked away and got to work.
I didn’t see Emerson during the day. She dropped off lunch at some point, and I didn’t even look up to meet her gaze. I wasn’t avoiding her on purpose. I just genuinely didn’t want to look at her face…and that was a first. She was the person I trusted most, and now I didn’t know her at all.
I was furious.
At the end of the day, Pierre and Jerome left to go home while I stayed behind. There was no reason to return to my empty penthouse when I didn’t have a book to write or anything else to do. I would rather stay there and do something meaningful. I’d driven my Bugatti like I used to, so I didn’t need to have anyone wait around for me.
An hour later, the lab door opened.
I kept my
eyes on my computer as I felt the grimace stretch over my features. I clenched my jaw so hard my teeth ground together and caused a small headache. I knew exactly who’d just walked into my lab, and she was the last person in the world I wanted to speak to.
Her heels clapped against the concrete as she approached my table, walking slowly, taking her time approaching me like she wanted to give me ample time to prepare.
I kept working like she didn’t exist.
“Derek.” Her voice was gentle, asking for my attention rather than demanding it.
I still wouldn’t look at her.
“Please.”
I leaned forward and dragged my hands down my face, irritated that she was asking for my attention in the lab, the one place in the world where no one could touch me. I didn’t want to engage with her. If I had it my way, we would never speak again. “What?” I lifted my chin and looked her in the eye, feeling my anger pulse under the skin.
She held my gaze, her blue eyes slowly filling with disappointment.
“What?” I repeated. “You want my attention? You have it. Make it quick.” Just a few days ago, I would’ve done anything for this woman. She was always in my thoughts, late at night before bed, first thing in the morning. I was in a relationship with her without even realizing we had one. But now, I felt sick to my stomach because the one person I thought would never betray me lied to my fucking face.
Emerson stilled as she studied my expression, watching the rage burn in my eyes. She moved herself to the stool across from me and took a seat, her hands coming together on the surface of the table. She wasn’t her confident self anymore. She averted her eyes a lot, like looking at me was too difficult. “I understand your being confused, uncomfortable, or upset…but I don’t understand why you’re so angry.”
I raised my head at her statement. “You don’t understand why I’m angry? I thought I was the one who didn’t understand human emotion? You lied to me, Emerson. You fucking lied to me.” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but the anger got the best of me, inflamed my temper.
She flinched at the cruel way I spoke. She rubbed her hands together and released a quiet breath. “I didn’t lie to you…”
“I asked if you had a boyfriend or if you were married. You said no.”
“Which is the truth.” She raised her head and looked at me again.
Thank God for that. “But you didn’t tell me you had a family. I don’t like people because they’re liars and manipulators. I thought you were different.”
“Derek, I am different. There’s stuff in your past that you’ve never told me about. This is something I didn’t want to share.”
“But it’s not some dark secret that lives in the back of your mind. This is a real fucking person. And how old is she? She’s got to be older than ten.”
Emerson closed her eyes and didn’t answer.
“Do you have more kids?”
“No.”
“Were you married?”
“No.” She straightened on the stool and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She rubbed both of her arms like she was cold as she considered the question. “Whenever you tell an employer you’re a single mom, you’re less likely to get hired, less likely to get promoted, and if you ever call in sick, they assume you’re lying to take care of your kid. When I worked at Astra Books, no one knew about Lizzie. When you hired me, you didn’t like me, and I knew if I told you the truth, you would use it against me.”
Judging by the way I’d treated her, I probably would have done just that. “Our relationship changed a long time ago…”
“I know it did. But you made your stance on kids perfectly clear…”
I had a powerful memory, so I knew exactly what she was referring to. We sat together at the dining table while I worked on my book. She’d broached the subject, and I said I never wanted to have a family, that I didn’t like kids, hated them, in fact. I remembered her unusual reaction, and now I understood what sparked it.
She watched me, as if she expected me to say something.
I had nothing to say. I felt foolish for developing feelings for this woman when I didn’t really know her. This was why I stuck to my bachelor ways, never felt anything real for anybody, because every time I tried to have a real relationship with a woman, it always bit me in the ass.
She stared at my face, fidgeting with her fingertips. “Derek, I’m sorry…”
I dropped my eyes and looked at my laptop.
“I’m sure I would’ve told you the truth at some point. But I never thought anything would happen between us…”
I lifted my gaze and stared at her again, the pain thudding in my chest because there was a new scar on my heart. “This conversation is finished. I don’t want to talk about it again. Let’s just go back to work and pretend nothing happened…like you wanted.”
Eleven
Emerson
Derek took the news a million times worse than I’d imagined. I understood it was a lot to take in at once, probably shocking, but his rage still surprised me. He viewed my secret as a betrayal. I wished I could go back in time and do things differently, at least sit him down and tell him the news myself, but I’d waited too long. I wondered if things would be different if he’d heard it from me, and the more I thought about it, I realized his reaction would have been different. He probably never would’ve developed feelings for me in the first place. That made me sad, even though we would never be together anyway.
I expected things to be tense for a couple weeks, and in time, things would calm down once again.
But I was wrong.
Derek wasn’t just hostile toward me, but indifferent. He didn’t speak to me at all, acknowledge my presence, or make me feel human. It was like his super brain had scratched me from his existence and made me invisible so he didn’t even know I was there.
It hurt…badly.
Every time we drove to work, he ignored me. Whenever I brought lunch, he never said thank you. When I told him about a new project, he wouldn’t even address me. He completely disappeared from my life, and that was when I understood how big a component he’d been of it before. There were no more text messages, no more deep talks when he stayed at work late, no more anything.
We were right back where we started.
It was my first day on the job all over again. But in this case, I was doomed to repeat it for eternity.
I walked into his lab with a stack of paperwork that I’d found in his corporate office. I’d turned the place upside down and made it into a well-organized space. Now that I was keeping track of his paperwork, I knew what to bring him that required his attention. But getting him to look at anything I brought was challenging. His anger made my job a million times harder to complete. “Derek?”
He sat at the table and wrote something out with a pencil, his hand moving across the page quickly like he was trying to get something down.
I waited a minute, let him finish up his final thoughts.
But he just kept going.
“Derek?”
He continued to ignore me.
Jerome stood a few feet behind him, and when he looked at me, he shook his head, as if he were telling me to run for it.
I approached his table and set the paperwork down. “Derek, I just wanted to bring this to you because it was supposed to be filed—”
He snapped, like a volcano that switched from dormant to active instantaneously. “You think I give a fuck about this?” He lifted his gaze from his paper full of equations and shoved my papers off the surface and onto the floor. “What I’m doing actually matters. This is just a bunch of bullshit. Your job is to handle this bullshit. Don’t fucking bother me again.” He turned back to his work like he hadn’t just screamed at me and ripped me to pieces in front of his colleagues.
I stilled for a moment, so much rage and hurt packed inside me that I didn’t know what to do with it. My hand shook slightly at the pain
his outburst caused me, and my body didn’t know how to react to the cruel way he’d just treated me. I wanted to scream in retaliation, but I also wanted to cry…and I never cried. I bent over and gathered the papers before I walked out of the lab. I entered his office and set everything on his desk before I grabbed my purse and left. I was able to keep my composure until I got outside and let the tears fall.
I wasn’t just hurt by the way he’d torn me apart. I was hurt by what I’d lost.
The man I adored was no longer here.
Whenever Derek took it too far, he apologized. Last time he had an outburst, he reflected on his actions and apologized entirely on his own.
But the apology never came.
I used to enjoy my job, but now I dreaded it. We sat in the car together in absolute silence, and whenever I had paperwork that required attention, I tried to take care of it as much as possible just to avoid speaking to him. I started to reject him as much as he rejected me.
It took away all my joy. I used to love serving him, making his life easier, getting to know this man even better.
But now he was just a ghost.
Ronnie pulled up to the building so Derek could get out and go into his penthouse. Derek returned his papers to his satchel and put his phone in his pocket in preparation to depart.
We hadn’t spoken in days, not once since he screamed at me. I decided to say something and hoped it would smooth things over. “Have a good night, Derek.”
He flinched at my words, just for a second, and then he opened the door and got out. He ignored me…like always.
Ronnie pulled away from the curb and drove me home. “Fucking asshole.”
Derek’s behavior was disappointing, but I still stuck up for him—like always. “He’s not an asshole. Just going through a hard time…”
“He’s not the one crying every day.” He glanced at me in the rearview mirror, telling me he’d noticed the redness in my eyes, the puffiness in my cheeks.
The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless Book 6) Page 11