by Kahlen Aymes
“I’m so thankful, Ryan. I’ll never be able to repay her.”
“I know. Me either. She was so selfless. I owe her everything.” His arms tightened and he kissed my forehead. “I owe her this.”
~5~
My shoulder burned like a son-of-a-bitch and the other one was aching where it had slammed into the wall and floor. It was pitch black and 3 a. m. when Julia and I finally pushed through the door of our apartment. Jane came out of surgery an hour earlier and was in recovery. She wouldn’t be lucid for hours, so I decided to take Julia home. The artery was so badly damaged, along with her uterus being almost sliced in half, the surgeons had to perform a complete hysterectomy to curtail the bleeding and save her life. I felt horrible; immersed in guilt and decided it was my responsibility to deliver the devastating news. I was going to grab a few hours rest and then get back to the hospital early in the morning.
Julia padded softly around the bedroom and bathroom as we both brushed our teeth and got ready for bed. She silently rubbed my bare back and kissed my shoulder, standing there, watching me in the mirror with her soulful eyes. My chest filled. I’d never been so happy to see anyone in my life as I was when she walked through that door in the ER.
I put down the toothbrush and gingerly slid an arm around her waist and tugged her close to my side. The familiar scent of her, the warmth and love I found in her face when she looked at me, was as life-giving as a bonfire in Antarctica. My lips found her forehead and then moved down the side of her face. Her skin was warm beneath my mouth; alive. I breathed in deeply, sucking in her life-giving breath for my own.
Julia’s arms wound around my waist and she kissed my jaw before our lips met in a gentle kiss. I could feel the remnants of her fear and sensed the ache in her heart at the prospect of losing me. It was a feeling I remembered all too well.
She drew a shuddering breath as I forced my arms to wrap around her despite the pain that knifed through me with the movement. “I was so scared. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
My hands framed her face as she looked up at me, her features gentled by sadness and love, my thumbs brushing along her cheekbones. She seemed so small, so fragile… so luminous. Emotion flooded through me and my heart constricted. It was so real—the possibility of the end of everything—and losing just one second with her was something I couldn’t contemplate. Even these quiet moments were so precious. It would’ve been easier being the one who died, rather than the one left behind. My brow knitted and I closed my eyes, nodding, pulling her little body closer into mine. “You won’t lose me, baby, but I know what you mean.”
Julia buried her face in my bare chest and held onto me for dear life, her fingers splayed out on my back and curled sharply into my flesh. I could feel the desperation in her touch; the magnitude of her terror and overwhelming love, as if her feelings were my own; because they were. We were two halves of one person.
“Does it hurt if I hold you this tight? I can’t seem to let go.”
“Even if it did, I want you to touch me. Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go to bed.”
She nodded, pulling out of my arms and retreating to the other room as I moved to follow her. The bed wasn’t made. I flushed, wondering if she was silently berating me because I hadn’t bothered tidying up the prior morning. Normally, Julia would scowl at me, but she silently pulled back the covers, straightening them as she went. I slid under, grimacing as I eased my upper body down. Everything fucking hurt.
Julia left the room, returning with a crystal glass full of ice water and a small white pill in her hand. She smiled gently as she held it out to me and I took it from her.
“Nighty-night.” She smirked and I couldn’t help but smile back. She was so cute.
I paused before I put it in my mouth and reached for the water. I was propped up on four pillows and she began to rearrange them, putting one under my injured right arm. “What am I, an invalid?”
“Yes. Shut up and take your medicine, Matthews.”
“What if I don’t want to go nighty-night, Mommy?” I wagged my eyebrows at her.
Her eyes widened as did her smile. She sat on the edge of the bed watching me until her brows rose. “I don’t care what you want. You need sleep.” When she bit her lip, I laughed.
“Since when don’t you care what I want?” I reached out and ran a finger down her arm to her hand. “Even if you didn’t, I can make you,” I said suggestively. My voice was teasing, but we both knew the truth in my words. I grabbed her hand in mine and stared at her with an intensity we could both feel. “We were supposed to make a baby tonight.”
Her doe eyes softened, jade green turning darker. “Ryan, you need to rest. It’s so late. Let’s just sleep.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I’d rather make love. You can be on top. I’m an invalid, remember? Maybe if I come, I won’t need these damn pills.”
“You know you’ll still need them. Do you still have tomorrow off?”
“Yes. But I’m going in to check on Jane. I want to be the one to tell her about the hysterectomy.” Julia nodded sadly. I obligingly took the Vicodin and then handed the glass back to her.
She shut off the lamp and then walked around to crawl in next to me, curling on her side and wrapping a hand around my bicep. Her lips were warm and soft as they caressed the skin just below the bandage on the curve of my shoulder. “I’d like to go with you. I’ll never be able to fully thank her, but I’d like to try. I know it’s not the same, exactly, but I can empathize.”
It was true. We’d lost a baby, but we at least could look forward to having more. Jane wouldn’t ever know that joy. I sensed Julia’s sadness and wanted to hold her close to me; to wrap her up in my arms, but the dull throb in my shoulder reminded me of the sharp pain I’d feel if I moved. I nodded into the dark, turning my face toward hers. It was an awkward position—forced as I was to lie on my back. I couldn’t reach out to her like I wanted.
“That would be nice, baby. I’m sure Jane would appreciate seeing you.”
In the waiting room and on the way home, I’d told Julia all about the gang storming the hospital, how they demanded I stop working; how we’d tried to save the boy in the middle of it all, the fight, the thug with the knife, and finally Jane getting slashed and the kid on the table murdered. Julia visibly shuddered, clearly painting the picture in her mind from my words. I sighed heavily. The kid died anyway, so was it worth it? I had to believe I’d done the right thing. I was certain Jane would say that I did, despite her loss.
“You did the best you could.” Julia read my mind, as usual, as her fingers gently stroked the hair back off of my forehead again and again. It was soothing and I closed my eyes at the comfort and normalcy in her touch. All of this… could’ve been lost. “You risked your life, Ryan. What more is there?”
“I don’t know. More,” I said miserably. Her hand cupped the side of my face, her fingers lightly caressing the skin of my cheek.
“It’s so horrible. The woman in the ER—the one sobbing—who was that?”
“The dead boy’s mother. I’ll never get used to that shit. He was so young.” My eyes were getting heavy, my words becoming a mumble. Julia’s hand slid to my chest and my fingers curled around hers, pressing then flat into my flesh. “What a fucking waste…”
“Does Jane have any family? Anyone to help her recover?”
“She has a boyfriend, but I’ve never met him. He doesn’t come to the hospital and I don’t think she has much of a family. We’ve never discussed it, beyond that her parents live in Michigan.”
“That seems sad. I know what it’s like to move to New York alone.”
I turned toward Julia despite the searing pain, to search the darkness for her expression. I reached out and smoothed a finger along the crinkle between her brows. “Was it that bad?” I asked quietly.
She shook her head. “No, because at the end of it, I have you.” Julia grabbed my hand and pulled it to her mouth
, lingeringly kissing my fingers. The love seeped from her into me and I was grateful. She was my calm, my home and I was reminded of the many nights we lay in bed just talking for hours. The passion was always so magnificent, but her words, the way she always understood what I needed, even just a simple touch. She took my breath away.
“Were you scared? Really?” I asked quietly.
She shrugged softly, still holding my hand. “A little in the beginning. At least I was used to a bigger city. Jane must have been terrified. Do you know where in Michigan?”
My eyes began to droop, the painkiller finally starting to dull the burn and aches. “I barely know her outside of work. We’ve shared a couple of lunches and small talk. Somewhere north, I think? She’s nice; a good person.”
“She’d have to be to sacrifice herself like that.”
“I’m sure it was adrenaline. Sometimes, it’s pure instinct to act.”
I stared through the darkness, her eyes glistened black; and I was fighting to keep mine open.
“How is Ellie?”
“Not great. Her mom is staying with her for a while. I may need to invite her to stay with us for a bit. A change of scene might be good for her.”
“I’m sorry I was such a prick. But, it did get you home and I need you tonight.”
Julia’s soft sigh filled the silence. “Yes. I’m glad I’m here.”
“Is Harris out of the picture? I feel for the dude.”
“I’m not sure. Maybe.” The bed moved with her shrug. “He’s so hurt. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. Please rest, Ryan.”
She turned on her opposite side and I pulled her back against me. I wanted nothing more than to be close to her. She was warm, and her sweet scent floated around me as I began to slip from consciousness. “I know it would kill me if you didn’t trust me. I really am sorry. About being such a moody ass before, on the phone.”
“Hush.” She pulled my hand up and laced her fingers through mine, leaned over and brushed my lips with hers. “I love your moody ass and I’m right where I want to be.”
I woke with a start. The light was streaming in, the bright rays of the late September morning breaking through the cracks in the blinds. The bed was empty next to me, the covers pushed back and the indent of Ryan’s head still on the pillow.
“Ryan?” I called into the empty apartment, already knowing I’d get no answer. I crawled out of bed and walked out of the bedroom. The phone in my purse was conspicuously absent of calls. Not even one from Andrea telling me we had some fire to put out at the magazine. “Oh,” I mumbled. Realizing she, and everyone else at Vogue, thought I was still in California. Still, being out of town never stopped them before.
My stomach rumbled and I rubbed it, walking into the kitchen to find something to eat. The smell of freshly brewed coffee was welcoming as was the note propped up against the wall next to it.
Hey, Babe,
I wanted to get to the hospital before Jane wakes up. Meet me there? Take a cab, I have the car. I love you,
~R
P.S. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked so beautiful.
I lifted the note to my nose and inhaled softly. Just the slightest whiff of his cologne laced the paper. I was sure Ryan hadn’t eaten. I looked at the clock and decided a few more minutes wouldn’t matter. I pulled out a bowl and quickly whipped up some lemon poppy seed muffins and popped them in the oven before rushing through a short shower and dressing quickly in old jeans and Ryan’s Harvard sweatshirt. It was overly large and hung loosely off of one shoulder, leaving the straps of my dark blue, knit cami showing. I shoved the burgundy sweatshirt back into place but it was a useless effort. The material was worn and soft from overuse, the gold letters faded on the front, but I loved wearing his things.
After the muffins were cooled and nestled in linen in our picnic basket, I pulled my hair into a messy knot at the back of my head, and shoved my feet into my old Chuck Taylors. Far from glamorous, for sure, but I didn’t care.
The air was cool, the wind blowing in from the east was brisk and had me wishing I’d grabbed a jacket, but it wasn’t long before I was nestled in the back of a cab and on the way to the hospital. I felt anxious; unsure what I’d say to the woman who had saved my husband’s life. My throat tightened and my eyes began to burn. How do you thank someone for that? I sighed; at a loss to find the words in my mind. The reality hit me that it was more than a possibility that I could’ve been a widow today if it weren’t for her. I quickly brushed the two fat tears that escaped down my cheeks away and wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. Ryan and I had faced so much, but this? I physically shuddered and my throat constricted. It was silly. Ryan was fine, but if I let myself, I’d start sobbing like a baby.
The cab driver made a comment about the picnic basket and how good whatever was in it smelled, so I left him with two of the muffins with the cab fare. He thanked me with a smile, his eyes suspicious at the glassiness of mine.
“Miss, are you all right?”
I smiled tremulously. “Yes! I’m happy, that’s all. It’s missus. I’m married!” I jumped out of the car and hurried into the hospital’s main entrance without a backward glance. It occurred to me that I didn’t know Jane’s last name and I’d have to figure out what floor she was on.
I stopped and glanced around. An older woman with short, bluish hair in a light pink hospital smock sat at the information desk. She watched me as I floundered in the lobby.
“May I help you, young lady?”
“Yes, my name is Julia Matthews. Last night in the ER…” I began.
“Oh, yes, dear. That was just dreadful! I mean, to think of those hoodlums rushing in here like that! It was all over the news this morning. I suppose it will be a media circus around here now… the state of the world is in shambles…” she rambled on and waved her hands about.
“Yes, ma’am. My husband works in Emergency and he was here…”
“Oh, goodness! I hope he’s all right?” she interrupted me again.
“He was injured, but not seriously.”
“Thank the Lord for that!”
“There was a nurse injured and I’d like to check on her. Unfortunately, I don’t remember her last name. I guess I can go to the ER and ask someone.”
“Her name is Jane Cooper, dear. Is your husband that dear Dr. Ryan?”
I smiled brightly. “Yes! Do you know him?”
“He’s a sweetie. He buys Vogue every month at the gift shop and gives it to me. Of course, I thought it strange, such a virile young man reading a woman’s magazine, but he explained that his wife works there.” Acknowledgement dawned on her face, pale with too much powder than punctuated with too much blush. “You?” She pointed a long, bony finger at me, and smiled.
I nodded, my cheeks infused with heat. “Guilty. I didn’t know he bought it, though. It may be because I don’t bring copies home. Work intrudes enough.”
The woman smiled, her bright red, Marilyn Monroe-esque lipstick a stark contrast to her pale skin. “She’s been moved out of critical care; in room 511 dear. You go right on up.” She waved me toward the steel doors of the elevators to our left. “Say hello to your handsome husband for me, if he’s here.”
“I expect that he is. It was very nice to meet you…” I hesitated.
“Oh, Louise. But Ryan calls me Louie. Now, don’t be jealous, honey.” Her light blue eyes sparkled from her jovial expression.
I couldn’t help but giggle. “I won’t. It’s so nice to meet you, Louie!”
The ride to the 5th floor was fast and I quickly found Jane’s room. The door was partially closed but I could see Ryan sitting on a chair he’d pulled close to the edge of the bed. There was no one else in the room and their voices were hushed. Uncharacteristically dressed in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, his hair messier; he looked like he hadn’t showered. I expected as much in his rush to get here.
Ryan leaned toward Jane, hunched over and brushing her hair back, though I could tell from the stiff
way he moved, his shoulder was killing him. My heart constricted in pain for them both and suddenly hatred for those responsible filled my chest in a suffocating way. Last night, I was scared and just glad Ryan and Jane were okay, but now, I was angry at the men responsible. My lips thinned and I leaned my head on the door, taking a deep breath before tapping on it softly.
Ryan sat up and turned around, acknowledgment settled on his features as he waved me in. My eyes searched his, and the sadness behind them told me all I needed to know. Jane hadn’t taken the news well. How could she? I’d be devastated if I were in her position.
For the first time, I saw Jane’s face. There were tears running down her cheeks and she was trying to wipe at them with the back of the hand that wasn’t laden down with IVs.
“Jane, I hope you don’t mind. Julia wanted to stop by.” Ryan stood and came to me as I walked into the room, sliding his arm around my waist and placing a light kiss on my temple. “Morning, babe.”
My hand flattened on Ryan’s stomach as his arm tightened around me. I wanted to melt into him and rest my head on his chest, to hold on for dear life, but resisted the urge out of respect for Jane. I smiled at Jane and handed Ryan the basket of muffins. “I brought breakfast. Can Jane have one?”
“Oh, I’m not very hungry,” Jane said weakly. She looked pale and very sad. I couldn’t help but wonder where her family and boyfriend were. Jane tried to smile at me as I moved toward her.
“Is it okay if I sit down for a minute?” When Jane nodded, I took Ryan’s place on the chair and reached for her hand. I felt the familiar sting behind my eyes and my throat tightened as emotion filled my chest at the poor girl’s plight.
“Jane,” I began, her face beginning to blur behind the tears filling my eyes. “I can’t even begin to thank you for what you’ve done.” My voice cracked and Ryan’s hand came down on my shoulder and squeezed gently and I blinked back the tears. “To risk yourself like that to save Ryan… I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost him. I’ll never be able to repay you.” I squeezed her hand. Jane’s pale blue eyes also welled as her face crumpled.