by Kahlen Aymes
“You don’t have to repay me. Ryan would have done the same for me.”
I nodded, wiping at my tears and reaching for one, then another tissue. “I know he would, but it still doesn’t lessen my gratitude. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
She looked away and the struggle to keep from sobbing was clear on her face. She closed her eyes and bit her lip with the effort.
“Jane, you should try to calm down. You won’t recover properly if you don’t rest,” Ryan warned.
I tried to smile at the woman in the bed and nodded in Ryan’s direction. “Always a doctor.” Jane nodded as I handed her a tissue.
“A hungry one!” He laughed uncomfortably and patted his stomach. I smiled weakly at my husband, understanding that the brilliant smile split across his face was superficial and designed to lighten the mood. “Starving! I’m going to get some coffee to have with these muffins! I’ll be right back.”
It was obvious to me that he was giving me some time alone with Jane. When Ryan walked out of the room, I was a little lost for words, with Jane staring blankly at me. I knew that pain. “I’m sorry if Ryan seemed uncomfortable, Jane. He’s just glad you’re alive, and believe it or not, he does empathize. He feels responsible.”
“He’s a good man. Very good,” she whispered weakly, tears still dripping from her eyes. She sniffed and weakly lifted her left arm to wipe at her face with the tissue I’d given her. “One of the best I know.”
Emotion erupted and I struggled to keep my voice even, despite the thickening in my throat. “Yes. He’s very concerned for you and couldn’t wait to get here to see you.” Jane’s chin began to quiver and I reached out for her hand. “Jane, I’m so sorry.” I felt helpless. What could I say to ease her pain?
“I always wanted a little baby,” she cried through the words.
My hand squeezed around hers, my heart breaking for her. “I don’t know if this will help you, but Ryan and I lost a baby. I understand how much it hurts.” Silent tears tumbled from my eyes onto my cheeks.
Her light blue eyes widened and then squeezed shut as another sob broke free of her chest. “But now, I’ll never have one! I’ll never be able to hold my baby in my arms! Ever!” Her shoulders shook as she sobbed, and even as she grimaced in pain, there was nothing to stop her misery. “You can still have one!”
I closed my eyes and held tightly to her hand in silence. Words didn’t seem like enough. What could anyone say to ease her pain? She was right; she wouldn’t ever know the joy of holding her own child in her arms. I ached to speak of adoption and the many unwanted children that needed someone wonderful to care for them, but couldn’t insult her with patronizing clichés. I knew I’d be pissed if someone said something so trite while I was still reeling in shock from such a tragedy. There would be plenty of time for those conversations when she was stronger. I looked around the room wondering where her boyfriend was, imagining how alone I would have been without Ryan by my side when I’d remembered our baby. And when I’d lost my memory and wasn’t able to remember him, he was always with me. I felt sick for Jane that the one person she needed the most wasn’t there.
When Ryan returned, his handsome face twisted in concern and he quickly set the coffee he’d brought on the tray table next to Jane’s bed. Rushing around to the opposite side of the bed, he sat down and put his good arm around her shoulders, careful not to jostle her, but wanting to offer comfort. She turned her face into his neck and cried harder.
“Shhh, Jane. I’m sorry.” He rocked her and I bit my lip and looked away, struggling to hold back my own emotions and feeling like I was intruding somehow. It was so horrible what Jane had lost and the evidence of what I had gained because of her sacrifice, sat there, trying to comfort his friend. Ryan’s sad blue eyes rose to mine and I folded my arms across my stomach and raised the tissue in my hand to stem my tears. I wanted to hug them both.
“I’m sorry. It’s going to be okay” Guilt, compassion, sadness and empathy, I could read it all on Ryan’s face as he said the words. He was in hell. He didn’t know if it would be okay. He knew time deadens the sharp, evil twist of pain, but it doesn’t erase it. This would leave scars, but there was little else either of us could do to offer comfort.
“I’m still glad it was me and not you, Ryan,” Jane sobbed. “I’m still glad.”
He didn’t respond, just held her until her sobs lessened as I fought off my own tears.
“Are you hungry?” I stood and went to gather the basket where Ryan had placed it on the window seat. “I hope you don’t mind the muffins. I thought you might feel up to eating a little something, and from what Ryan tells me, hospital food sucks.”
“Ryan calls it barf,” Jane stated simply, a weak smile finally lifting her pale lips as she sniffled back the last of her tears. She was still getting blood, but her complexion was ghostly, her blonde hair fell in fine wispy strands around her head to her shoulders.
I smiled wider and shook my head with an amused huff. “Well, he would. He’s spoiled.”
Ryan chuckled. “Don’t listen to a word Julia says,” he teased but threw a wink in my direction. He was trying. I was trying. But still, Jane was alone in this room with two people who weren’t her family or even close friends.
“He’s amazing.” Jane studied my face as the silence began to expand between us. What could I say? I’d always felt that way about him.
I nodded slowly. “I wish I’d get to see him in action. I’d love to watch him work.”
“He’s so sure of himself, even though he’s a first year resident. He was born for medicine.”
It felt weird, another woman saying those words about my husband, and with such conviction and familiarity; like she was telling me something I didn’t already know. I found myself a little uneasy at the thought there were some things about Ryan that Jane might know better than me.
“You’re going to give him a big head, Jane. Trust me, when you’re on the other side of his stethoscope, he’s less appealing. He can be bossy as hell.”
“Hey! Now you’re complaining?” he scoffed and opened the basket, pulling out the paper plates and placing a yellow muffin with crumb topping on one for Jane. He elevated the head of her bed slightly and pushed the tray table into position over the bed so she could reach it. “Eat. I’ll get you some juice.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled as Jane’s eyes met mine. “See what I mean?”
For the first time, her eyes brightened.
After I’d consumed four of Julia’s muffins and Jane managed to get half of one down, my wife packed up the basket. I was sitting on the foot of Jane’s bed, as I watched her neatly stow the cloth napkins and forks back into the basket and throw the plates and coffee cups in the trashcan that was below the window. She was always so giving in subtle ways.
“Thanks for making the muffins, babe.” Julia’s eyes shot up and she smiled. “They hit the spot.”
“Yes, they were delicious,” Jane murmured. I saw her watching Julia intently and wondered what she was thinking.
Julia hadn’t bothered with make-up and looked younger. Dressed in my sweatshirt, she absent-mindedly shoved the neckline back in place when it fell off her shoulder.
Julia nodded and smiled at Jane. “It was my pleasure.”
“Jane, is there anyone we should call for you? Your parents or boyfriend?” I asked, hesitantly. It might be a sticky subject since whoever the mystery man was hadn’t made an appearance.
She nodded. “I think Caleb called Daniel and my mother last night. He mentioned it this morning.”
Caleb had a thing for Jane and was disappointed when he found out she was dating. He’d asked me what I knew about the relationship, and the truth was, not much. Julia moved to my side and we looped an arm around each other without thinking. I could see the sadness on Jane’s face and words died in my throat.
“Did Caleb say when you could expect them?” Julia asked.
“Daniel is so busy at work, we don’t see
each other like we’d like to.” Her voice was hollow and distant.
“Boy, do we know how that is,” Julia added softly. “I’m sure he’ll be here, though. Ryan, why don’t I go to the office for a bit and you can wait with Jane for Daniel? Maybe give him another call?” Her eyebrows raised, communicating to me her disapproval of Daniel’s absence. Her fingers scratched into the hair at my nape and it sent little tingles through me. I longed to spend every minute of the day with Julia, but circumstances required a change of plans.
“Okay.” My hand curled around her hip and I pulled her close as she placed a chaste kiss on my mouth. I found my chin lifting to reclaim her lips but she was already moving away. I flushed, guiltily glancing at Jane. “Good idea.”
“Don’t overdo it. Go home and rest and I’ll stop by the store and pick something up for dinner.”
In her covert way, Julia was telling me that this evening, she’d make up for the missed time today. My heart leapt at the loving expression on her face. Her fingers lingered on my cheek before she leaned down and kissed Jane’s cheek. “Be well, Jane. I’ll visit again, if that’s all right with you?”
Jane nodded. “I’d like that.”
“Take good care of Ryan for me, but don’t let him bully you.”
The other woman smiled, amusement filling her eyes. “Sure.”
“Will you make those medallion thingies?” I asked with a smirk. “With the apples and mashed potatoes?”
Julia smiled brightly. “Sure. Take care, Jane. See you tonight, babe.” Julia gathered up her things, but left the basket of muffins, leaving Jane and I alone.
“What’s the deal, Jane? I expected your man to be here. He should be with you today. Fuck his job.” I realized as the words left my mouth how insensitive I sounded and Jane’s face fell. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just mean that his place is with you.”
“Not every man is as perfect as you, Ryan. You hold everyone to your standard and few can measure up.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s bullshit. There’s no excuse for him not being here.”
She shrugged. “He’s not like you.”
I moved to sit in the recliner near the window thinking he must be a narcissistic prick. “What’s he like then?”
“I guess you’d call him a nerd. He’s really into computers and books. He’s very focused and doesn’t get into frivolous things. He doesn’t even like the Yankees.”
I huffed. He sounded like a first-class asshole. “I’m a Cubs fan. I can’t help it. I grew up in Chicago.”
“I love baseball. Is Julia into it?”
“She has fun when we go to games, but she’s not a hardcore fan.” I smiled, remembering many of the baseball and football games we’d attended over the years. She used to roll her eyes at Jenna, Aaron and myself when we’d scream obscenities when the opposing teams did better than our own. “My brother’s wife is huge Red Sox fan. Julia is more into music and art.”
“She must be very talented.”
“She is,” I said without hesitation. “I’m very proud of her. At the magazine, she takes on the jobs of her colleagues and even her boss. Basically, when something goes in the shitter, she’s the one called in to solve the problem. Believe me, it’s been a thorn in my side, more than once, but she’s very ambitious.”
“Like, you, Ryan. Sounds like the two of you are perfect.” Jane’s face seemed sad and I was again reminded that it was me with her and not this faceless Daniel. I already disliked the fucker. I wanted to make her feel better, but struggled for the words. Julia was damn near perfect, and though we had our spats, I wouldn’t trade a minute of our life together. I was well aware of how insanely lucky we were, but it didn’t help to have a reminder dropped in our laps now and again.
“Eh, we’ve had our struggles.”
“Yes, Julia told me. About the baby.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “She did?”
“Uh huh.”
“Wow. No one knows except our family and best friends. It’s so… Well, it’s just something that we keep between the two of us.”
“She probably told me because of…” her words fell off as her voice thickened again.
I ran my hand through my hair and nodded, wondering how much of it Julia shared. I didn’t want to make Jane feel worse, nor did I want to expose too much of something so close and intimate. Losing our baby was raw because we lost a part of us. Just us. “Yes.”
“When did it happen?” Jane’s eyes searched mine and I winced at the memory.
“Several months ago.” It wasn’t really that long ago when I stopped to consider it. I hated the way it still ate away at my gut.
“You’ll make an amazing father, Ryan.”
I didn’t know how to answer, because it wasn’t something I talked about and the pain was a reminder of why I didn’t like to wallow in the past. On top of that, Jane had her own misery to deal with.
Still, she pressed me. “So, it happened before you were married?”
“Yes. It wasn’t planned. Julia had been sick and was on antibiotics. I was still at Harvard and made a trip to New York over Valentine’s Day. I’d planned on proposing and took a few extra days off to surprise her. We didn’t see each other enough, and when we got together, we just didn’t think about the effects of the meds on her birth control.” I stared out the window of the hospital room and into the concrete jungle that was Manhattan as I talked. I huffed. “Julia was getting promoted and I was mad that we’d continue to be apart after graduation. We had a huge fight.”
“Why would you be apart?”
“Vogue was sending her to Paris for several months. We’d been separated for so long at that point, the prospect of more… well, I sort of lost it.” I cleared my throat.
“Oh, I see. Make-up sex.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, then she was packing up to leave a few weeks later, she discovered she was pregnant.”
“That must have made you happy, Ryan.”
“I didn’t have time to be happy. I didn’t find out until after it was already over.” Even I could hear the sadness and disappointment that flooded my words.
Jane let out a soft gasp. “What?”
“Julia decided not to go to Paris after all and came to Boston to tell me about the baby, but there was a car accident between the train station and my apartment. It was really bad. She had a severe head injury and I really thought I was going to lose her.” I stood and faced the window, away from Jane, as the memory of it sliced through me like it was yesterday. I didn’t want her to see the pain of remembering on my face. “Anyway, thankfully, Julia recovered, but no baby.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. But at least Julia is okay and you’ll be able to have more children.” But, you won’t. The unspoken words hung like a storm over us.
I nodded and turned back to my friend. “I know.” I couldn’t tell Jane that Julia and I were on the verge of trying to get pregnant again. My heart constricted for her. “But, we’re both so busy, who knows when that might happen. You just concentrate on getting better and don’t worry about us. Has Caleb been in to see you?”
“Not yet.”
My body was aching and the slice on my shoulder tight, reminding me of my own injury. “He will. So will Daniel and your mother. So, uh, I’m going to head out. You’ll be out of here in a few days. You’ll see.”
“I want to get back to the ER. I need to concentrate on that, and forget about last night.”
“I know. Me, too.” I smiled, but inwardly I felt bad that Jane didn’t have more in her life beyond her job. I loved my job, but I loved my life with Julia more. This thing with Jane made me realize I’d been unfair in my insistence that it was time to get Julia pregnant again. I was ready. But, was she? I decided then and there that I needed to talk to my wife. “I’m going to check the orders and see when you’re allowed to have pain meds again then leave you to get some rest.”
Jane reached out for my hand and she looked up at me
beseechingly. “Will you come back, Ryan?”
“I’ll call you later and I’ll see you tomorrow, for sure. Okay?”
Jane’s face fell slightly.
“You’ll have your family here. I’ll just be in the way. Don’t let them wear you out. Doctor’s orders.” My lips twitched in the start of a smile.
“I’ve told my mother about you. Working with you, I mean.” Jane stammered slightly, still holding my hand. “I’m sure she’ll want to meet you.” I squeezed her fingers gently and then placed her hand beside her on the bed.
“There’s plenty of time for that.” I walked toward the door and turned. “Thank you, again, Jane. I’ll never forget the sacrifice you made for me.”
“I’d do it again, Ryan. I’d… do it again.”
I patted the door frame once and left the room, trying to ignore the implication of a deeper meaning in her words. I rubbed the back of my neck as I rushed out of the hospital, anxious to find my wife.
It was a rare moment. My husband’s arms were wound tightly around me, and his chest rose and fell steadily beneath my chest. His even breathing a sure sign of his slumber and his heartbeat, strong beneath my ear, was comforting. I listened to it thud and closed my eyes in prayer. He was here and he was mine. Forever. Nothing would ever mean more. I felt safe and I didn’t care if I ever moved from this spot.
The rain pattered on the widows, and the grayness of the late fall day made the apartment dark. We were lying on the couch all tangled up together and it was nothing short of heaven. I tilted my head back to glance up into Ryan’s face and was surprised to find his bright blue eyes open and a small smile curving his perfect mouth. My fingers slid beneath the hem of his navy blue t-shirt to curl into the solid muscles beneath it. I smiled up into his amused expression.