by Kahlen Aymes
“This feels damn good,” he murmured. His fingers brushed my chin just before his open mouth took mine in a soft kiss. “Mmmm… tastes damn good, too.”
“Let’s stay here forever.”
“Sounds amazing. I’m in.”
I laughed softly as his arms tightened slightly.
Ryan turned toward me, grunting slightly as his injured shoulder moved. His arm slid beneath me, his other hand on my hip pulled me close and over him until my knees rested beside his hips. Both of his hands moved to hold my face, his thumbs running along my cheek and jaw. His face turned serious and the smile on my face faded in response. “Ryan, are you hurt? Be careful, honey.”
“I’m fine.”
I bent to run a path of kisses along his jaw and up to his earlobe, which I pulled between my teeth. Ryan shuddered beneath me. Warm fingers ran lovingly down my arms and back again. “Baby, I want to talk.”
I sat up at the serious tone in his voice and remained straddling his lap, Ryan holding both of my hands in his. “What is it?”
Ryan’s brow was furrowed as he studied me, and I pulled one hand free to reach out and touch his face. “Ryan, what is it?” I asked again.
“Last night…” he paused, “It has me thinking. Maybe we need to talk more about trying to conceive.”
My lips pressed together as I struggled for words. I frowned and shook my head. “But, I thought we decided. I’m off the pill. Are you having second thoughts because of Jane?”
He shook his head. “Not because of Jane. It’s always about you. Is this what you really want? I know I want it, but are you just doing it for me?”
I huffed under my breath and plowed both hands through my hair, clutching at my scalp. “No, Ryan. I want a baby, too. I didn’t think this was the best time, but I’ve always wanted it.”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch. That’s my job.” He teased, smiling all the way up into his eyes and my heart melted as the back of Ryan’s fingers brushed down my cheek. “I just want to make sure. You’re right. We both work like crazy and I don’t want to be unfair to you.”
Our fingers threaded together, his eyes intensely searching for each subtle emotion on my face. I’d never be able to hide from him, even if I wanted to.
“I wish I was already pregnant. After last night, my perspective has changed.”
“In what way?” He knew what I was saying and still he was going to make me say it.
“Life is short and you never know what could happen. What if something happened to one of us? We’d at least have part of each other to hold on to…” My words dropped off, emotion cracking my voice as my eyes welled. “What if I’d lost you?” I felt the grief at the possibility as strongly as if it had happened and the tears tumbled down my face uncontrollably as a sob broke free against my will.
“Hey.” Ryan immediately sat up to enfold me in his strong embrace. His hand tangled in my hair at the back of my head. I buried my face in his good shoulder and pulled him closer to me. Ryan kissed the side of my face, following the tracks of my tears to my mouth. “Hey,” he soothed again. “Oh, baby. Jules, you know you’re my whole world. I love you, so much.”
“I love you, too,” I croaked out. My fingers curled into his nape and I hung on for dear life.
“We’ll make our baby, but I was unfair this weekend. I shouldn’t have been such a prick when Ellie needed you.”
I pulled back and stared at his face, tears still clinging to my lashes, and sniffed. “Really?”
He nodded. “Really.” His fingers stroked up and then dragged down my arms and back again; his touch so reverent. “Let’s just be together. Make love when we want, with no pressure, but no precautions. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.”
I bit my lip, his tenderness touching me at the very core, and I nodded. “Okay. Remember what you told me?”
“Yeah.” Ryan pushed my hair off my face and behind my ear. “The baby will choose when. He’s waiting.”
“He?” I asked, pushing up his navy blue t-shirt to expose his hard stomach and the happy trail that disappeared into his old faded jeans. “What if it’s a girl?”
“Then I’ll suffer through, I suppose!” Ryan laughed softly and I leaned down to kiss him and he responded with ardent hunger, signaling he wanted to get down to baby-making pronto. “You know I’d love to have a little girl that looks just like her mom,” he whispered against my lips. I wasn’t sure why, but those words were a huge turn on, like he’d just made my ovaries explode and I couldn’t wait to get pregnant by him.
“What’s in your Kool-Aid?” I teased, going in for another kiss.
“What?” Ryan laughed against my lips.
“You always know what to say. It’s like you weave some magic spell to turn me to goo.”
Ryan’s hands ran down the side of my body, from the sides of my breasts down over my hips until they cupped my butt. His long fingers wound around the back half of my thighs and he massaged gently, his blue eyes intent on mine. “I like you gooey.” He grinned.
“I know you do.” I giggled. I loved every minute with him. “I can get you all gooey, too, you know.”
“Mmmm, huh.” His eyes lidded and his chin lifted so he could take my mouth again.
The timer beeping in the kitchen put the kibosh to our love play.
“Awww, hell!”
I kissed his mouth lightly and then dusted my lips over his cheekbone and then pressed them into his temple. The scent of his skin mixed in with his cologne and I silently cursed the confection in the oven.
“Something smells good.”
My nose traced his cheek before I sat up. “You can say that again.”
“What’s in the oven, sweet?”
“I made butterscotch cake for dessert.” I jumped up and rushed into the kitchen, not wanting to let it over-bake. I’d already lingered long enough.
“Oh, my God. Really? Do you need help?”
“No, baby, you rest. It will be at least an hour and fifteen until dinner is ready, so go back to your nap.”
“That long?”
“You asked for Pork Medallions and glazed apples, Ryan. You know that takes a while.” I threw the words over my shoulder as I removed the two cake pans from the oven with potholders.
“I’ll help,” Ryan said from just behind me.
“Did you ever consider that I won’t have as much time to lavish on food once we have a baby?” I set the pans on a wire rack to cool and moved to the refrigerator to take out the pork tenderloin I’d purchased earlier. Ryan sat on one of the kitchen stools as I removed the packaging and began to slice the meat.
“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
I could feel his eyes running down my body and lingering on my ass. I glanced in his direction and he smiled guiltily.
“You say that now. But we’ll also lose time in bed.”
“We’ll see.”
I lined the meat up on a wooden cutting board and Ryan rummaged around in a drawer for the metal meat mallet.
I sighed softly and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, his warm breath rushing over my neck just as his lips pressed to the skin below my ear. I trembled in his arms. “We’ll still be us, Julia. We won’t lose the mad love.”
“Promise?”
His arms tightened. “You know that’s impossible. Don’t you?” His lips continued their sweet torture down the cord of my neck and suddenly I wanted to scrap making the meal and head to bed. Instead, I layered my arms on his and leaned back into my husband.
“Yes.”
“I understand that’s what you’re worried about, but don’t be. After eight and a half years, I’m still crazy for you. Six or seven pounds of baby isn’t going to change that.”
“What about fifty or sixty pounds of Julia?” I asked sardonically.
Ryan laughed out loud.
“Well? We’re newlyweds. What if I turn into a whale?”
“You’ll be gorgeous and
I’ll still want you. I already told you.”
“Hmmm.”
Ryan’s phone buzzed on the counter, he went to answer it while I pulled the flour canister open to begin the dredge for the meat.
He frowned at his phone.
“What is it?”
“It’s a text from Jane. She wants me to call her.”
“Okay,” I agreed. I figured he must have left his number with her before he came home.
“You’re sure?”
“Ryan, please. The poor girl is in the hospital and she just went through a horrid ordeal with you. She probably needs to talk about it and you’re the natural choice. I got this.”
“You’re amazing. It won’t take long.” Ryan hesitated at the edge of the kitchen. “I wanted to help you pound the meat.”
I laughed. “You’re so funny, but I did it already.” I lifted one piece of flour-dredged meat up for his inspection. “See?”
“Really, it was an excuse to be with you.”
“Awww!” I went over and touched his cheek, standing on my tiptoes to kiss his mouth. His lips opened under mine, sucking my lower lip into his mouth. It was always so sexy the way he did that and it encouraged me to give similar treatment to his upper lip. The familiar warmth began to spread but I forced myself out of his arms. “We have all night. Go on.”
Ryan started to dial the number and exited the kitchen, leaving me to giggle at the flour fingerprints I’d intentionally left on his cheek.
~6~
I glanced at the round clock on the wall of the examining room. It was noon and my stomach was rumbling. The last patient was resting comfortably after we’d gotten her stabilized and she would soon be moved to the cardiac unit. She was elderly and suffered a moderate heart attack and was admitted with chest pain, shortness of breath and sweating. We gave oxygen and nitroglycerin and after the attending physician approved my recommendations, she was scheduled for an EKG, and ultrasounds of her heart and coronary arteries. The tests would be done and a diagnosis made by the cardiologist on duty upstairs, so my job was done. I nodded back at Kari, indicating my exit and that she would be left to monitor things until the patient was moved upstairs.
I assured the patient, “We’re just going to see what caused the heart attack and the cardiologists will decide the best course of treatment, okay? You’ll have a few tests.”
“Thank you, young man. You surely saved my life.” Her arthritic hands reached out to grab one of mine. I smiled warmly at her.
“Naw! You aren’t going anywhere for quite some time.” I was pleased to see color returning to her weathered cheeks.
“I bet you’d like my granddaughter, Aimee. Did you see her? She’s pretty, isn’t she? And, she’s very smart. She’ll be back in to see me later.” The old woman’s blue eyes sparkled hopefully, her breath fogging up the oxygen mask when she spoke.
I couldn’t help but grin. “She is very pretty,” I agreed about the dark haired girl who’d brought the woman in to the hospital. I lifted my left hand and pointed to the ring with my right index finger. “But, I’m married. If you speak too much right now, you’ll inhale the carbon dioxide you’ve just exhaled and it makes the blood vessels in your lungs constrict. You’ll get short of breath so you should refrain from talking as long as you need oxygen, okay? If you need it upstairs, they’ll use a cannula.” She started to speak again. “No!” I stopped her with a wry look and patted her hand. I was rewarded with a resigned nod before I left the room.
I glanced around the ER looking for Jane. More and more, it had become my habit. She was back to work and physically fine, but she visibly jumped at any loud noises or shouting that sometimes occurred when the paramedics brought in a critical patient. I’d seen her earlier and she was in a good mood, so I prayed to God that my evening wouldn’t be interrupted. Again. That had become another habit. Jane was recovering well physically; mentally and emotionally, she was fragile with little or no support from her asshole boyfriend or her family. I let the desk personnel know I was grabbing some lunch and checked my pager to see what messages came in while I was with my last patient, expecting a page from Jane. There seemed to always be a page from Jane, but, thankfully, there wasn’t one.
I didn’t know how to refer to that hideous night in my head. Incident seemed so “CSI”, but it sure as hell wasn’t an accident. My shoulder, now fully healed, was left with its angry red scar as the only reminder; except for Jane. When she talked about it, she always called it ‘that night’. Well, that night, had fucked us all.
I felt guilty every Goddamn time I looked at her and guiltier still that I was so damned happy because Julia and I would probably be pregnant within a few months. Whenever I thought about it, I could literally feel my face soften. I didn’t want to feel guilty about something so damn beautiful. Julia certainly didn’t deserve that and I didn’t want to think about Jane every time I touched my wife, always concerned what affect a pregnancy would have on her fragile psyche. Having a baby would be like rubbing salt in Jane’s wound, but from a personal standpoint, I was happy that we’d agreed to let it happen. Hell, I was more than happy about it, but every time I looked at Jane, I felt so damn selfish that I wanted something she could never have. And worse, I felt responsible. I could see similar guilt mirrored in Julia’s deep green eyes. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
Tonight was to be spent with my wife and my anticipation made the day crawl. I longed to lose myself in those soulful eyes; to allow her touch to erase everything but her. I wanted the comfort of just being in the same room with her. There was no way in hell I was going to let Jane invade my thoughts tonight. Tonight was all about my beautiful Julia. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs to capacity. The break and the chance to check my messages would make time pass more quickly.
I stopped by the lounge to get my phone before I went to the cafeteria and couldn’t help grinning when I saw the text waiting for me.
Making all your favorites tonight. Try not to be late. ~xo~
I decided to call instead of text because all these thoughts of baby-making created the need to hear her voice. She picked up on the first ring.
“Hey, handsome.”
My heart surged at the happiness in her voice. “Hey, you’re my favorite. You’re all I want tonight. Don’t make a mess that takes hours to clean up. I’m looking forward to holding you for hours.”
I could hear her soft breaths. “Mmmm, sounds good. I promise no dishes tonight. We’ll make a different kind of mess.”
A huge grin split my face. “Mrs. Matthews, you are a naughty girl and I love it!”
“Are you on break? Have you eaten?”
“I’ll get something light. Don’t want to overeat before tonight.”
She didn’t contradict me, which told me my intuition was right; she was making something big. “Dinner is hours from now, so eat, Ryan,” she commanded.
“What are you making?”
“You ask way too many questions. It’s a surprise.” She giggled softly through the phone and my heart filled. I was waiting for the newlywed giddiness to wear off, but it never had. A surprise meant it would be amazing.
“I love you.”
“I know.” She laughed again, softly. “Now go eat and stop bothering me! I have to go to the grocery store.”
“Okay. See you tonight.”
I tucked my phone back into the locker and turned to leave, stopped by the sound of someone quietly crying behind me. I did a one-eighty, my eyes scanning the room. Jane huddled on the couch on the far side of the room, her back to me. I could see her shoulders shaking and her hands covered her face as she wept. Fuck.
I moved closer, unsure of whether to let her know I was there. Part of me wanted to comfort her, but another part of me said to keep on walking. I wondered whether she’d want to talk or would rather be left to her misery. After a moment’s hesitation, I sat next to her on the couch.
“Jane.” I said softly, my hand reaching out to rest gently on h
er back. “I thought you were off today.”
She didn’t answer, so I pressed. “Are you okay?”
She only cried harder and shook her head, her face still hidden by her hands. “No! Daniel doesn’t understand what I’m going through. My mom left 3 days ago… and he’s… mad because I’m still such a mess. He expects too much!”
My head dropped, my arm resting on my knee while I sat there and listened to her misery. I could feel my skin flush as anger welled in my chest. How could he be such an insensitive prick? I’d only met the guy once—the day she was in the hospital—and he was only interested in his fucking smart phone; he’d kept pounding away on the keys, his eyes intent on the screen. I’d wanted to rip the motherfucking thing from his fingers and throw it out the window, all the while screaming for him to stop being a dick. I just didn’t get why Jane would be with such a douche. I wracked my brain for the right thing to say so I wouldn’t let how I really felt about the guy show through. “He is probably still working through it, too, Jane. He almost lost you. Believe me, he was probably reeling and unsure how to help you.”
She straightened her shoulders and finally looked at me, wiping at her nose with a tissue she dug out of the pocket of her scrubs. “He doesn’t care about anything but his job and his stupid computers! He yelled at me because I can’t have sex yet. The only time he touches me is when he fucks me.”
The air left my lungs in a huff and I was sure I flushed. I was shocked. I’d cussed enough around Jane, but I’d never heard her utter one crass word. Ever.
“Jesus, Jane! That’s screwed up. How are you even with this guy?”
“I love him, I guess.” Her sorrowful eyes beseeched mine while my brain ripped him limb from limb. “I just can’t seem to get him to take an interest in me outside of sex. He said I was damaged now.” Her face crumpled and she sobbed. My arms automatically surrounded her and she leaned into me, crying hard onto my shoulder. I could feel her hot tears soaking through the material of my shirt. “My body is… so ugly and scarred!” she wailed.