The Stars' Tennis Balls

by Stephen Fry

  Sad news about poor old Rufus Cade. By all accounts a ‘drug hit’, as these things are termed. I suppose it was inevitable. From schoolboy on, it was apparent that dear Rufus was destined for a life of dependency and decline. What Americans would call ‘an addictive compulsive personality’ or some such hogwash. I have not seen him since he called upon me some five years ago with an embarrassing request for money to ‘invest’ in a footling scheme to start up a model agency. I shall attend his funeral, I think and pray for the salvation of his soul. Grace will not be denied him.

  A gratifying review of the first programme in the Telegraph this morning. It seems I am ‘a natural performer combining ease of manner with a steely refusal to be diverted from the hard moral questions’. Look out, David Starkey!

  Gratifying! Would he ever use that word again? Or any word like it? Wiping back his tears, Ashley scrolled down until he saw something that made his heart stop.

  Red!

  Impossible, but true.

  The last paragraph of his last diary entry was in red. Ashley never messed about with coloured text. Never. The paragraph was in a different font too. A font he never used.

  His eyes hardly dared drag themselves to the bottom of the screen. If he read the paragraph he would know for sure that it was not a mistake, not the result of some inadvertent series of mouse clicks on his own part. He did not want to know any such thing. But he had to read on.

  Hypocrite, lecteur, mon semblable, mon frère! Not for the first time do I find myself reading your diary, Ashley Garland. You have not graduated far have you? From masturbating into school boaters to masturbating at pictures of schoolboys. What a pathetic failure of a man. All pretence, snobbery, intolerance, bluster, bigotry and show. With such a brain as yours you could have gone so far, Ashley Garland. With such a cold, constipated heart, however, you were always destined for disgrace, ruin and humiliation. I wonder how they will treat you in prison? You fake, you pervert, you canting hypocrite. My revenge on you is complete. May you rot for ever in the burning filth of your own corruption.

  The red text swam before Ashley’s eyes. He pressed his hands to the side of his head and pushed inwards, as if forcing his brain to concentrate. Tears dropped onto the keyboard.

  This was insanity. Wild madness of a kind that could not be explained. He had his enemies. He was not universally liked, he knew that. He had always known that. But such demented hatred?

  A flashing folder icon on the computer desktop caught his eye. It was entitled ‘Yummee!’ and Ashley knew that he had never seen it before. He double-clicked the folder which showed itself to contain over two thousand files, all of them in picture and movie formats. He double-clicked one at random and his screen was filled with a video clip of such clarity and unspeakable, uncompromising physical detail that he caught his breath. The participants were all male and under age.

  The doorbell rang.

  Ashley closed the file instantly and dragged the whole folder to his desktop wastebasket.

  The doorbell rang again.

  Ashley emptied the wastebasket. A window came on screen.

  Cannot delete without password

  Ashley input his password and tried again.

  Password incorrect

  Ashley tried his secondary password.

  Password incorrect. System shutting down . . .

  Ashley stared unbelievingly at the screen as it went blank with a fizz and crackle of static.

  The doorbell rang for a third time.

  A flashing blue light was reflected on the wall behind the computer. Ashley rose, went to the window and looked down through the curtains. A battery of flashlights almost blinded him and he stepped back.

  ‘Damn you all,’ he sobbed, his whole body trembling. ‘Damn you all.’

  A picture arose in his mind of his mother and sister in Manchester. They would have been watching the programme. Perhaps with neighbours. There was a news camera down in the yard below him pointing up at his window. Yes, they would be watching now, white-faced and ashamed, hands over mouths. The neighbours would have crept away and dashed to their houses and television sets. Everyone from chambers, everyone in the Conservative Party would be watching. His wife, she was watching too and her father would be saying ‘Told you so, something not quite top drawer about your Ashley. Thought so from the first.’ Oliver Delft, he would have watched and already he would have scratched Ashley’s name from his list of useful contacts. The news would have got round the Carlton Club and they would all be crowded into the television room, watching. Everybody would watch him being led away and everybody would watch his trial.

  No, they would not. No one would watch him. No one.

  The doorbell rang again and a distorted voice, amplified by a megaphone, called up from the street below.

  ‘Mr Barson-Garland! My name is Superintendent Wallace. Please let us into the house. The yard will be cleared of cameras and press, you have my word.’

  Ashley stumbled into the kitchen. His Sabatier knives gleamed invitingly. Those few friends that he had knew Ashley to be a fine cook. His knives, like everything else about him, were perfect. He pulled one from its wooden block and returned to his study, crying like a child.

  All his life, he realised, he had felt like an antelope being chased by a lion. The hot stinking breath of fate had pursued him close but he had always found new spurts of speed, dazzling new zig-zags of energy and wit that had kept the beast away. Now he was finally being shaken in its jaws and he didn’t care. Damn them, damn them all! It wasn’t his fault. He had never chosen to be who he was. He had never chosen to be ugly, to be bald, to be ‘not quite top drawer’, to be attracted by youth, to be socially inept, to be despised by the arrogant ease and vanity ofThem. Them with their flops of silky hair and flops of silky charm. Damn them all!

  He pushed the knife into his throat and twisted it round and round and round.

  At the same time he heard the door downstairs being beaten open and saw, through the jets of blood pumping from his neck, that his computer had come to life. He imagined, and it must have been imagination, that he read these words crawling across the screen like tickertape from left to right in bright red letters.

  Ned Maddstone sends you to hell

  His mind had time to wonder why, in the delirium of his last moments on this mean earth, the name of Ned Maddstone should have come to him. Perhaps it was appropriate. Ned had been the archetype of Them. The very pattern-book of ease and flop-fringed assurance.

  Ashley died cursing the name and the very thought of Ned Maddstone.

  *

  Simon Cotter locked his office door and descended the stairs three at a time, slapping his thigh as he went.

  ‘Three!’ he whispered.

  Albert and the others were still crowded around the television. They turned expectantly as Simon approached.

  ‘I couldn’t raise him on the phone,’ he said. ‘He must have disconnected himself. Oh look, the BBC is being coy, have you tried Sky News?’

  Albert found the remote control and they all gazed up at the screen as live pictures played of a stretcher being rushed through the smashed front door of Barson-Garland’s London town house.

  Simon made a note to himself to call the editor of the LEP first thing. There was much to be attended to: an obituary, a new Voice of Reason – so many little things.

  Oliver Delft took his pulse while running on the spot. Ninety-eight, not bad. He blew out five or six times and looked round the square, allowing his breathing to settle into a calmer rhythm. He did not like his wife to see him even slightly out of breath, so as a rule he would stay on the doorstep until he was able to go back into the house presenting the appearance of a man who has done no more than walk to the post-box and back.

  Light was leaking into the sky from the east. Through the trees he could see that one or two of the Balkan embassies had their lights on. On a number of occasions in the past he had surprised his staff by warning them of impending crises,
simply on the basis of his observations of ambassadorial windows, an irony that pleased him in this so-called digital age.

  Oliver frowned suddenly. A car was parked in the bay next to his. A silver Lexus that did not bear diplomatic plates. He could see the broad silhouette of an enormously fat driver sitting at the wheel. He made a note of the number and fished for his latchkey.

  The first sign that alerted him to something strange afoot in the house was the sound of the children’s laughter. Oliver’s brood were never merry at the breakfast table. They slouched over their cereal, sulkily reading the packets or groaning for the radio to be turned off in favour of the television. The second sign of unusual goings on was the smell of bacon hanging in the hallway. Oliver was following a strict low fat diet and Julia had been a vegetarian all her life. The children, although the youngest was now thirteen, were still addicted to Coco Pops and Frosties.

  Oliver heard a man’s voice as he approached the kitchen. Bugger, he thought to himself. Uncle Bloody Jimmy.

  Julia’s brother Jimmy was a favourite with the children but, as so often with those that children take to, adults found him a complete bore. The time would fit, Oliver realised, glancing at his watch. Uncle Jimmy often ‘dropped by’ early in the morning, after his flight from America had landed and he had a few hours to fill before the business world woke up. At least his arrival cleared up the mystery of the Lexus and chauffeur parked outside. Oliver prepared a welcoming face and opened the kitchen door.

  If he had been asked to compile a list of a thousand people he might expect to see sitting at his kitchen table performing magic tricks for the benefit of his family, the dot.com billionaire Simon Cotter would not have featured anywhere.

  ‘There you are, darling!’ said his wife.

  Cotter looked up and smiled. ‘Good morning, Sir Oliver. You must excuse me for barging in on your family like this. So early too. I was passing on my way to the airport and took a chance on your being in. Been for a run?’

  Oliver, acutely aware of his tracksuit and headband and for no good reason embarrassed by them, nodded.

  ‘It’s a great pleasure to see you, Mr Cotter. If you’ll let me shoot upstairs and change . . .’

  ‘Come on, Simon. Where is it?’

  India, the youngest, had grabbed Simon’s hand and was feeling up his sleeve and tugging at his beard.

  ‘Ah, now. Where would you like it to be? Would you like it to be under the sugar bowl, perhaps? In the toast rack? Inside the newspaper?’

  ‘Under the sugar bowl.’

  ‘Well, then. Have a look.’

  ‘Bloody hell!’

  Oliver was amazed to see that Rupert, back from Oxford and tiresomely sophisticated these days, was as wide-eyed and wriggling as the others.

  ‘Another! Do another!’

  By the time Oliver came downstairs again they were in the middle of a mind-reading trick. Even Oliver’s mother, sitting slightly apart in her wheelchair, appeared to be enjoying herself, if the quantity of dribble sliding from the corners of her mouth could be regarded as a reliable index.

  Julia, the children and Maria had all drawn shapes on pieces of paper and were clustered around Cotter, who put a finger dramatically to each temple and stared downwards with a great frown.

  ‘The great Cottini must think. He must theeeenk . . . aïeee . . . no desme la lata!’ he muttered to himself. Oliver was surprised to see Maria giggle. She said something in Spanish and Cotter replied fluently.

  ‘My spirit guide, he has advised me,’ he announced, after turning his face in turn to each of the giggling, hot-faced children. ‘Olivia, because she is vairrry clever and vairrry beautiful, she would be choosing a fine horse, yes? You have drawed a horse, I am fancying.’

  Olivia unfolded her piece of paper to reveal a competently drawn horse.

  ‘It’s a pony, actually,’ she said.

  Cotter slapped his forehead. ‘Ah, I am so stupid! Of course it is a pony. Not horse! Pony! Forgive me, child, my powers are weak in the mornings. Let me consider now, Hoolia. Hoolia will choose I think a napple. Yes. Of this I am quite sure. A napple. Half eaten.’

  Julia opened her paper and the kitchen rocked with delighted laughter.

  ‘Good. We make progress, yes? Now we come to Rupert. Rupert is most spiritual. He does not know this yet, but he is most spiritual person in room. He chooses I think a fireplace, which is for him a symbol of his heart, which burns greatly.’

  ‘That is unbe-fucking-lievable!’

  ‘Rupert!’

  ‘Sorry, Mother, but how the hell?’

  ‘Now, as for India. India is also great beauty, India is wise, India is cleverer than all her brothers and sisters combined together . . .’

  Oliver exchanged a look with his wife. She beamed and he nodded back with a small smile.

  ‘. . . so India, she would choose an object most deceiving, I think. What would be most deceiving, I must ask myself? Nothing. Nothing would be the most deceiving and wicked thing of all. Show me your paper, oh deceiving and wicked person.’

  Blushing, India unfolded a blank piece of paper to tremendous applause.

  ‘Finally, Señorita Maria. What shall we say she draws? Maria is a good woman. Maria is kind. Maria is holy. Maria will draw a chicken, I think, which is a holy creature of God, like herself.’

  Dropping her paper and crossing herself, Maria babbled in Spanish, to which Cotter replied in a fluent stream. She kissed him and fluttered from the room, giggling.

  ‘One more, please, one more!’

  Cotter looked up at Oliver and smiled. ‘I’m afraid I have to have a few words with your father now,’ he said. ‘Business!’ he whispered to them privately and gave a hollow groan.

  The children groaned back and made him promise to visit again.

  ‘We’ll go up here,’ Oliver led Simon upstairs. ‘We shan’t be disturbed.’

  ‘Tremendous place,’ Simon said looking round approvingly.

  ‘It’s my mother’s, actually.’

  ‘Ah.’

  Oliver saw that Cotter was looking with interest at the stairlift. ‘She had a series of strokes some years ago. Mind’s all there but . . .’

  ‘Very sad. And Maria looks after her?’

  ‘That’s right. Come in here.’

  ‘Thank you. What a charming room. You have a wonderful family, Sir Oliver. Something rare these days.’

  ‘Just Oliver, please. Well, I have to say you bring out the best in them. I’m sorry to repeat their badgering, but how the hell does that trick work?’

  ‘Ah, well,’ Simon tapped his sunglasses. ‘I provided the paper they drew upon. Very dull chemistry, I’m afraid. Nothing more. Sort of trickery you MI6 boys used all the time in the old days, I expect. Promise not to tell them?’

  ‘You have my word. But . . .’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘What you said about India being cleverer than the others. It’s true, but how could you possibly tell?’

  ‘It’s perfectly obvious. It’s much easier to hide stupidity than brains. Surely you know that?’

  ‘Well, you’ve certainly scored a hit. Please, sit down.’

  ‘Thank you. You must be wondering why I’m here.’

  Oliver, who had been biting his tongue with curiosity for the past fifteen minutes, shrugged amiably. ‘It’s a surprise, certainly. A pleasant one, I assure you.’

  ‘Mm. I’m afraid my ways of doing business are a little unorthodox, as you may know.’

  ‘New rules for a new industry.’

  ‘Exactly. I’ll be absolutely direct with you. As you may know, CotterDotCom has had to dispense with the services of its head of internet security.’

  ‘Cosima Kretschmer?’

  ‘A grim affair. The woman is being treated by many as a kind of cyberhero, but as I have made clear, she acted entirely without the company’s authority.’

  ‘I understand that Barson-Garland’s family is suing?’

  ‘I have satisfied their lawy
er that all Cosima’s research was undertaken on her own time, not the company’s. The action is now solely against her. She is in hiding somewhere. Germany, they believe. I fear that Mrs Garland will find it difficult to win so much as a penny from her. After all, it seems that the allegations were far from baseless. A sad business.’

  ‘Hm . . . I have to confess it was quite the most riveting evening’s television I have ever experienced.’

  ‘You knew Barson-Garland quite well, I believe?’

  Oliver studied his fingers and picked a sliver of skin from under a nail. ‘Knew him? Yes, I knew him. I wouldn’t say well, exactly.’

  ‘Rumour has it that he was trying to recruit you as an ally for his Security Agency. That he’d promised you the job of heading it up, if it were ever to get off the ground.’

  ‘Really? I –’

  Oliver turned his head at the sound of a sudden creak on the stair. He strode quickly across the room and opened the door.

  ‘Ah, Maria, how can we help?’

  ‘I’m sorry disturbing you, Sir Oliver. I woss wunnering if you or Señor Cotter like maybe some cop of coffee? Or some bisskiss? I have bake yesty some bisskiss. I come in.’

  Oliver stood uncomfortably by the fireplace while Maria cleared away piles of art books and magazines from the coffee table to make space for her tray. Cotter chattered away to her in Spanish and she left the room, simpering like a schoolgirl.

  ‘Lace on the tray!’ said Oliver, closing the door. ‘You’ve scored quite a hit there too. I seem to remember reading in some magazine or other that you are fluent in nine languages. Can that be true?’

  ‘Thing of it is,’ said Simon, helping himself to a biscuit, ‘I spent so much time learning languages that I never learned to count, so I couldn’t tell you how many I speak.’

  Oliver smiled drily.