Offside!

by Diersch, Sandra

  The girl didn’t turn around as Alecia came up behind her and sat down on the steps. The cement was cold and slightly damp and Alecia shifted uncomfortably. Lexi turned then and glanced at her, her characteristic scowl firmly in place. She said nothing, but turned away again a second later and stared off over the empty schoolyard.

  “What do you want?” she asked at last.

  “Well,” Alecia said slowly, gathering her thoughts together. “I was hoping I could talk to you about Sunday and about the team and stuff.”

  Lexi snorted and shook her head. She stared down at her hands, playing with the strap of her backpack. “What is there to talk about, Leesh? Stacie made it all perfectly clear you guys don’t want me on the team.”

  “You know,” Alecia said slowly, “part of the reason they don’t want you on the team is because you’re always so rude. Maybe if you would just be a tiny bit less bossy and nasty, the other girls would be more welcoming. They don’t all think like Stacie.”

  “You guys didn’t want me there from the first practice!” Lexi cried. “You think I didn’t know that? You were all perfect just the way you were. Perfect coach, perfect captain, perfect goalkeeper! You looked at me like I was an intruder. You make me sick!” Lexi stared at the ground, her hands balled into fists in her lap. Her hair fell over her face and her shoulders heaved.

  “Then why do you keep coming to play, if you hate us all so much? If you don’t think we want you anyway?” Alecia asked. She watched Lexi struggle not to cry.

  “Where else am I supposed to go?” Lexi’s head snapped up as she spoke and she glared at Alecia. “My dad doesn’t want me around. He’ll just find another team for me to play on, and another, and another. Anything to keep me out of his way.” Her voice rose with each word until she was yelling at Alecia.

  Alecia thought of the overheard conversations and of the little scene at the soccer game a few weeks back. Things were beginning to make more sense. She stared at Lexi, unsure what to say. She had never been very good at this kind of thing. She wished desperately that Annie was with her. Annie would know what to do, what to say. But she was alone. And it was up to her to fix things, to get things back the way they’d been before.

  “Can’t you live with your mother?” she asked, innocently.

  “My mother’s dead. She died a year and a half ago. I have nowhere else to go.” There was no emotion behind the words, just cold fact. Alecia blinked, stunned. She hadn’t expected that.

  “I’m so sorry, Lexi,” she whispered. “That’s terrible.”

  The two girls sat silently, Lexi staring across the school yard, Alecia staring at Lexi. She felt a huge knot in her chest and her eyes stung with tears. “My dad died, too, you know,” she confessed at last.

  Lexi’s head shot up and she frowned at Alecia. “What do you mean? Jeremy’s your dad,” she said.

  “No, not Jeremy. He’s my stepfather. I mean my real dad. He died when I was four.” They had something in common, she and Lexi, Alecia thought. But Lexi didn’t look at it that way.

  “When you were four? You probably can’t even remember him. Jeremy’s your dad. He’s the one who cheers you on at games, who pats you on the back when you make a good play.”

  “Yeah, he does. But he’s not my father … not my real father,” Alecia insisted.

  Lexi shook her head, her eyes scornful. “Real father?” she repeated. “You don’t even know what a real father is. You’ve got this perfect little family sitting right there and you don’t even know it.”

  Alecia started to defend herself, defend her dead father and the place he had in her life when Lexi made a rude noise. “I’m going home,” she said, grabbing her bag. Alecia struggled for something to say that would stop her leaving, but nothing came to her and in an-other second Lexi had disappeared.

  * * *

  That night, Alecia and Jeremy came into the gym for practice to find everyone already there, sitting on the floor. Everyone but Lexi, that is. Alecia’s heart beat harder and her hands grew clammy. Would Lexi show up tonight? Would she come back? She had said if she didn’t play on this team her dad would just find another one for her. Alecia shivered, what an awful reason to play a game. Still, Lexi had chosen soccer and she was good at it. She just needed to find the right team. And maybe the Burrards were that team. Maybe.

  “Well,” Jeremy said, glancing around at everyone, “since we’re mostly all here, why don’t we get started on our warm-up. We have a lot to do.” Jeremy went off to a corner to set up the cones for drills and the girls slowly got up and started running around the gym.

  They were stretching when Lexi arrived. She glared around the gym defiantly, as though daring the others to tell her to leave. But Alecia caught the trembling in her hands as she took off her jacket and slipped on her shin pads. She was pale, too, and her eyes were red-rimmed. Alecia cleared her throat, then turned, concentrating on her leg stretches.

  Jeremy gave them their drills and told them to get busy. But only a few of the girls got to their feet. Some looked hesitantly at Stacie. Some looked at Laurie. Most looked at the floor.

  “We won’t play if Lexi is on the team,” Stacie reminded Jeremy. She was standing, hands on her hips, her face hard and unfriendly. Alecia looked away.

  “Is this the way you all feel?” Jeremy asked. About two-thirds of the team nodded. Reluctantly, Alecia thought. “I had thought that the weekend would have given you enough time to think things through. Realize the mistake you’re making. You see,” he said slowly, looking at each girl in turn, “I don’t work this way. I won’t be blackmailed. I won’t force a girl from my team unless there is a very, very good reason. And I don’t think there is one in this case.”

  “You know what, Jeremy?” Lexi said, speaking in a loud, clear voice. “I don’t want this anyway. I’ll just leave. You can have your stupid team.” She moved to the bench to pick up her things, her head bent, defeated. Alecia looked around at her teammates, at their sullen, silent faces. She thought of the way they had pushed Lexi away from the very beginning. All of them wanting Annie back, not some stranger with an attitude. She thought of the confession Lexi had made about her dad and not being wanted. Alecia had been wanted her whole life. What must it be like to not feel wanted anywhere, even at home? She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Suddenly she knew what she had to do.

  “Wait, Lexi,” she called, jumping up and running after the girl. “Don’t leave. Please.”

  Lexi dropped her jacket onto the bench and stared at Alecia. “Why not? You guys don’t want me here. You’ve made that pretty clear.”

  “You’re right, we didn’t want you at first,” Alecia told her. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t change our minds. Look, we weren’t very nice when you first joined the team. I’m sorry about that. We should have been more welcoming. Jeremy told us to give you a chance and we didn’t. But we want you to give us a second chance now. Please. We need you on our team. We’ve just been kind of slow to realize it. We want you to stay.”

  “Who’s we?” Lexi demanded, her voice still tight and angry, but some of the fight going out of her eyes.

  “Me,” Laurie said, joining Alecia. Alecia smiled, but held her breath. Who else?

  “And me,” Nancy and Rianne said together. They came and stood beside Laurie.

  “Us too,” Marnie said as she and Allison moved over as well. In groups of two and three the others joined Alecia and Laurie. Soon Stacie was standing alone.

  Alecia looked over at her, frowning. “Stacie, won’t you give Lexi another chance? We need you too,” she said. She was amazed at how everyone had followed her lead. Amazed and thrilled. She had done it! Well, almost. Stacie was still glaring at them all.

  “I said I wouldn’t play with Lexi on the team and I’m not going to. I’m out of here,” she said and in another second the door closed behin
d her. For a minute no one said anything, just stared at the closed door. Finally Jeremy cleared his throat.

  “Well,” he said, breaking the silence, “since we still have a soccer team, perhaps we should hold a practice.” He sent the girls off to do drills, calling out directions as they spread out around the gym.

  Slowly Alecia followed along, watching as the little groups of two and three formed. She didn’t for a second believe that their problems were completely solved, but they were working on it and that was a good start. She caught Lexi’s eye and grinned at her and, amazingly, Lexi smiled back.

  13

  Alecia Decides

  “So everything worked out okay, then?” Anne asked Wednesday morning.

  “Yes, sort of,” Alecia told her, thinking of Stacie’s abrupt departure from the team. “Stacie refused to stay, but we’re hoping Laurie can work on her, convince her to come back. Karen will be good as goalkeeper, but we want Stacie back.”

  “Maybe Stacie just needs time to cool off,” Anne said, but didn’t sound too convinced. “Stacie’s always been kind of hotheaded about things.”

  “At least Laurie agreed to be captain again. It took some convincing, though. She didn’t want to do it,” Alecia said.

  “Well,” Anne said, sighing. “I’m glad all that is settled. It will be easier to get on with things now, right? No more tension and fighting at practices? And the playoffs are getting so close! You guys have to work hard to get a good position.”

  “I’m sure Lexi hasn’t become Miss Mary Sunshine or anything. She’ll probably still annoy everyone. Still, I think we’ll be okay,” Alecia agreed. It was great that the Burrards had sorted themselves out, finally. A huge weight had been lifted from Alecia’s shoulders.

  “Wasn’t that amazing what Monica told us yesterday?” Anne asked, a second later. Monica hadn’t been at the corner that morning. Anne didn’t know where she was. “She never told me that before. Although I guess there was never any reason why she would. It is kind of personal, after all.”

  Alecia didn’t answer. Soccer might be all sorted out, but there were other things that hadn’t been decided. Decisions she hadn’t been able to make. She knew Jeremy wouldn’t want to wait for her answer forever.

  “Do you think Jeremy would ever adopt you, Leesh?” Anne asked, startling Alecia so much she tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and nearly ended up on the ground. Anne grabbed her arm to steady her. “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” Alecia told her, hoping Anne would forget her question. No such luck, however.

  “Do you think he would adopt you? I wonder about that sometimes. You must too,” Anne said, looking thoughtful. “It would be so great for you to have a real dad again. To have a real and true family.”

  “We are a real and true family,” Alecia said, a little snappishly.

  “Oh I know you are, Alecia, I didn’t mean anything by that. Just that you aren’t Jeremy’s daughter legally. Don’t you think about it?”

  She’d thought about talking to Anne about the whole thing many times, but hadn’t ever gotten up the nerve. “The thing is, Annie,” Alecia said, jumping in with both feet, “he has already asked.”

  “No way! Why didn’t you say anything before? That is the best news ever!” Anne cried, throwing her arms around Alecia.

  “Annie, wait,” she said, peeling her friend’s arms off her. “I haven’t told him yes yet.”

  Anne frowned at her. “Why not? What are you waiting for?” she asked.

  “I can’t decide. I mean, what about my own dad?” Alecia said softly. It was hard for her to talk about.

  “What do you mean? He’s dead, Leesh. You don’t even remember him,” Anne said. “Jeremy is here. He’s great. You love him. He loves you. I think it’s wonderful.”

  Why didn’t Alecia think so? Why was she clinging so hard to the memory of her dead father? “Yeah, I guess,” she agreed. She wished suddenly that she hadn’t brought it up with Anne. Anne was a good friend, one or her best friends, but she didn’t understand. No one really understood.

  “Well, I think you should say yes. But anyway, it’s your decision. I wonder if Mr. Ellison remembered we’re supposed to have a quiz in science today. I sure hope he forgot. I didn’t understand much of the chapter,” Anne said, changing the subject. Alecia listened with one ear as Anne talked. She wished it was as easy as Anne seemed to think it was.

  * * *

  When she got home that afternoon she went straight to her room and pulled out the scrapbook. She flipped through the pages slowly, the scent of English Navy after-shave wafting up with each page she turned. Her father’s life appeared before her, all laid out carefully, from his baby pictures, to school pictures, to team photos. There was also the graduation photo she had secretly taken away earlier and a wedding picture. Alecia touched the pictures gently with her fingertips. Her grandmother had surprised her with a whole box of things one day when they had been visiting. Alecia had carefully picked through the mementos, choosing the things that spoke to her the most. Today, however, they said nothing. They just sat on the page. It could have been anyone’s father staring back at her from the plastic-covered pages for all the memory they evoked.

  Alecia’s throat thickened and her eyes burned. What had she expected? she asked herself, angry. That he would suddenly speak to her from the great beyond? She was so stupid! She pushed the scrapbook and it slid to the floor, landing with a thud on the throw rug. She threw herself down and cried into her pillow. She cried for a long, long time.

  “Alecia?” her mother asked from the doorway. Alecia hadn’t heard her come home, hadn’t heard anything but the roaring in her head and her own sobs. “Alecia, sweetheart, are you all right?” Mrs. Parker asked.

  Alecia rolled over and blinked, watching as her mother crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed. “What’s all this about?” she asked, smoothing the hair back from Alecia’s face with gentle fingers. Alecia sat up and leaned against the headboard. She said nothing.

  “You knocked a book on the floor,” her mother said leaning down to retrieve it. She brought it up slowly, frowning at the words printed on the inside of the cover. “What’s this?” she asked, glancing at Alecia.

  Alecia reached for it, wanting to prevent her mother from seeing anything more, but it was too late. She drew her knees up and hid her face in her arms, embarrassed and ashamed and hating her mother for coming in. There was no sound at all in the room but the gentle swish of pages being turned and the scent of English Navy in the air around them.

  “Alecia?” her mother said at last, touching her arm. “Sweetie, look at me.”

  Alecia forced herself to look up and was amazed at what she saw. Her mother had tears in her eyes. “Would you like to tell me about this?” she asked gently, wiping the tears away with one hand. Alecia had not intended to talk to anyone about this, not ever. But her mother’s soft voice and gentle caresses opened her mouth.

  Once Alecia started to talk, the words seemed to flow from her like a river. She told her mother about the ad on TV, about the talk she’d had with Connor, about looking at the pictures. She told her about feeling left out when Anne and Monica were talking about their dads or when Connor described yet another adventure he and Mr. Stevens had gone on.

  “I wanted my dad,” she confessed at last, sniffling. “Everyone else has their dad. I felt left out.”

  Mrs. Parker pulled Alecia close to her and held her tightly. “Has this helped? This scrapbook?” she asked softly.

  Alecia shook her head against her mother’s shoulder. “No,” she mumbled. “I had hoped it would help me remember something about him. Remember something that no one had ever told me or shown me in a picture. But it didn’t. I don’t remember him at all. I don’t know who he was.”

  “Do you know why collecting these things hasn’t helpe
d you know your dad?” Mrs. Parker asked. “They’re just objects, Leesh. Objects don’t define a person. Your father’s report card and his favourite blanket are just objects he owned. Just like your old bear doesn’t tell me who you are.

  “I can’t give you your father, Alecia. He’s been gone a long time. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry every day that you didn’t get to know what a wonderful person he was, how loving and gentle and kind he was. I hate that you never knew how much he loved you and wanted to watch you grow up to be this beautiful young woman. But I can’t change any of that.” Mrs. Parker kissed the top of Alecia’s head, burying her face in her hair. They sat silently for a long time.

  Eventually she pulled away from Alecia and tilted her face to look at her. “But you do have a father, you know,” she said softly.

  “Jeremy.”

  “Yes, Jeremy. Do you know how much he loves you? How proud he is of you? You’re a very lucky girl.”

  “I know,” Alecia whispered.

  “Do you? I don’t know if you really, really know how lucky you are. Bringing a child into this world doesn’t mean a thing, Leesh. It’s what you do with that child once it is here that counts. Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”

  Alecia thought of the things Lexi had said the other day, accusing her of not knowing how good she had it. Lexi lived with her biological father, but he wasn’t much of one to her. And Monica, adopted by a man she thought was the greatest thing in the world. Still, Alecia struggled.

  “I don’t want to betray my own father,” she whispered, leaning against her mother.

  “Sweetie, you betray him when you don’t get on with your life. Do you think he wanted us to be alone the rest of our lives? You don’t think my marrying Jeremy betrays Peter, do you? No, of course not. He wanted us to be happy. I think he’d be very pleased with the choice we made.”