Smash Into You

by Shelly Crane

  I nodded.

  I was the best kind of whipped for that girl. She never even asked me to pick her up from school, I did it because I wanted to. She never had to wonder if I was going to kiss her or ask how school went and listen to her groan about her professors when she got into the car. She never had to wonder if we were going out on Sunday morning for breakfast like an old married couple at the cheap diner and then go sit at the lake and give our crumbs to the ducks as we people watched. Or if I was going to kiss her under the big willow tree I found for her there and not care who was watching.

  "Why didn't you do all those things for me?" she asked, her eyes wide and wanting.

  With my elbows on my knees and my hands in my hair, I said as softly as I could. "Because I wasn't in love with you, Kate." I sighed and sat up straight.

  She was completely unaware of my mental checklist. I hated that she thought so little of herself that she would stoop to begging on my porch, and this wasn't the first time. She still stared at me. "I wasn't where I was supposed to be…in my mind, in my life. I was…angry and took out my anger on everyone else. On you."

  "You were never angry with me. You never hurt me."

  "But I did, Kate," I said in exasperation. "Look at you. I did hurt you." She licked her lips and sighed, knowing I was right. "I was an ass and I deserve for you to be angry with me. Don't let some guy do to you what I did. Don't let them use you. You're worth more than that."

  Her face tightened, realization setting in. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"

  "Yes," I said firmly.

  "There's no going back?" Her final plea.

  I shook my head and needed to make this perfectly clear for her. "Not a chance. She's it for me."

  She stood, so I stood. She turned full-on to look at me. I saw Marley come around the corner of the bottom of the stairs just as Kate reached out and put her arms around my neck. Marley didn't look happy as she looked up the steps at me with another girl in my arms, but she didn't look surprised either.

  Daggum.

  How long had she been there? How much had she heard?

  I pulled back, setting her away. I didn't want to touch her more than I had to. "Bye, Kate."

  "Just one more thing," she stalled, looking down at Marley, with a sad expression. "What does she have that I don't?"

  "It's not a laundry list. It's not something you pick and choose about someone. It either works or it doesn't." She didn't seem convinced as she swung her gaze back to mine. I decided to be truthful. "She didn't chase me." Her eyes grew wide at that. "A forever kind of girl not only looks for a guy that loves her for her, but accepts nothing less than respect. And gives the same in return. I hope you find what you're looking for."

  She scoffed as she turned to go. "Doubtful."

  Marley stayed where she was, only leaning against the wall to let her go by. Kate didn't say anything to Marley, but she was staring her down and didn't stop until she was past her. When Marley came up the stairs, after a long pause at the bottom, she didn't look up, only down at the stairs as she walked.

  I waited for her there and when she finally reached the top, her books in her hand and her purse over her shoulder, she lifted her head. She looked reserved and smiled sadly. "Hey."

  "Hey," I said low. "I'm sorry about that."

  "It's understandable that you dated someone before me," she reasoned.

  "I didn't date her."

  She twisted her lips. "I heard."

  Knew it. Daggumit.

  "Marley-"

  "It's all right, Jude." She sat down on the step and I followed suit. I wanted to touch her, but had never had a relationship before. I didn't know the drill. Was she going to force me to sleep on the couch or something for this?

  She leaned down into my line of sight and gave me a weird look. "You look like I'm about to sentence you to the guillotine."

  I ticked my head to the side. "Are you? I've never done this before. Never dated before. Never had someone to…" I laughed under my breath, "…answer to before. Even before girls, I was a kid when my mom died. I was on my own, always doing whatever the hell I wanted."

  She tried to keep her face straight. "And you want to do whatever you want. That's what you're saying?"

  "No." Screw rules, if there were any. I slid closer and touched her cheek. "No, I don't want that. I'm just saying that I don't know what my ex…or…whatever you want to call her, showing up at the house when you're not here means."

  She showed the first signs of a smile. "It means life is messy."

  "So…you don't want to hurt me?"

  "Define hurt."

  I chuckled, leaning closer. "You don't want to de-ball me?"

  She laughed, putting her hand on my knee. Good sign. "No. I think your balls are safe where they are."

  "I just…" I shook my head, knowing it was time for all this to come to a head, but not liking it. But I totally deserved it, every bit of it, for being such a jerk. "I hate that you have to see even more of the person I was before you. He wasn't a nice guy." She knew that firsthand. "I hate that he's bringing his past with him."

  "His past will be just that tomorrow when we leave for Athens." She swallowed. "You needed to see her before you left."

  "Why? It didn't make me feel better about it. I still feel like a piece of crap that I hurt her."

  "But she feels better."

  I grimaced. "Maybe you didn't see the whole thing, then."

  "I walked up right behind her. When I saw her knock, I waited. I figured whoever she was she needed to see you."

  "What if I had brought her in the house?"

  The first night Marley slept in the apartment with me, I refused to sleep on the bed. We slept on the pullout sofa that night and every night since because I just couldn't do it. I couldn't let Marley be tainted by who I used to be.

  "I knew you wouldn't," she said with certainty.

  "How?"

  She brought her palm to my cheek. "You wouldn't even let me sleep on the bed, Jude. I can…imagine why."

  I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds. "She doesn't feel better for coming here. She probably feels worse."

  "She doesn't," she assured. "Seeing you happy will help her get over it. She's hurt now, but the next guy that she goes head-first in with will be a good guy for her."

  "How do you know?"

  "Because she loves you…in her own small way, and you told her that she was worth something."

  I didn't know what else to say. "I'm sorry."

  The only thing we seemed to tiff about was sex. She wanted to, to replace a bad memory with a good one. I got that, but if that was the kind of pressure on this thing, then I wanted it to be more than just a good time. I wanted it to be magical for her. Magical enough to make every bad thing go away. And I wanted to be different with her than I had been with the others. I wanted to wait and see what life could be like when I was the gentleman my mom had always wanted me to be.

  "Don't be sorry." She reached back and touched the picture of her mom in her back pocket. She always had it with her now. "Everything that happened to us brought me you."

  I shook my head and pulled her up to sit on my lap. "That was a good line."

  "Wasn't it?" she laughed, remnants of her sad smile still hanging on. "I should be an author. That was so poetic."

  "Thank you for understanding. For not being insecure about us. I can imagine any other girl would have had a fit to find that when she came home."

  She smiled. "I am not any other girl."

  I pulled her closer and put her arms around my neck. "I am so in love with you, sweetheart."

  She smiled happily. "I love you, and that's why I'm not worried."

  She accepted my kiss, and with her sideways on my lap, she took everything I gave her.

  "Good for nothing kids!" I leaned back swiftly to see my neighbor. "Take your half-naked selves back into your apartment and quit with the public indecency."

  "Mr. Fowler, I'm sorry. I was
just apologizing-"

  "Ack. Whatever. Just stop making whoopee on my front porch!"

  Marley had stopped gasping at Mr. Fowler's meanness long ago. She just pressed her lips together.

  "Mr. Fowler, this is not your front porch. The stairs are closer to my porch than yours, if you want to get technical."

  "Young folks today got no respect." He paced and looked over the railing. "Your loud music and drugs and parties 'til one a.m. and pizza every night!"

  "I'm only guilty of one of those and if you ever want a slice, come on over."

  "Ack." That noise was his favorite sound. He leaned back up and then he smiled. I balked. He knew how to smile? He looked past us to a slightly younger woman coming by us on the stairs. "Marlena," he growled in a playful voice.

  I threw up in my mouth.

  "Billy Bob," she crooned. They locked lips in a way that was definitely more private than anything I'd done with Marley in public. I was about to upchuck and she was laughing into my shoulder. Marlena leaned back and batted her eyelashes. "Ready for a night on the town, big boy."

  "Ready, buttercup."

  We stood so they could leave, but he said he forgot something inside. So he opened the door for her, and when she went in, he winked at me. Winked! I stood silently and watched him shut the door. Marley turned to me once they were gone and laughed. "Mr. Fowler's got game."

  "I can't believe you just said that."

  She laughed harder and wrapped her arms around my neck. "So you're not going to miss this place?"

  "My crabby, game-having neighbor? Not even a little."

  "Good. Wanna order pizza tonight?" She kissed me slowly.

  "Uh huh," I said against her mouth.

  "Wanna watch a movie?" She kissed me again.

  "Uh huh," I said lower.

  "Wanna finish what you started a few minutes ago?" She took my bottom lip between her teeth and tugged.

  I hoisted her up, wrapping her legs around my middle. "Uh huh."

  "Let's go then…big boy."

  I laughed so hard, I pushed her to the wall to keep her from falling for a second before hoisting her up higher and walking to our apartment for the very last night. "Sure thing, buttercup."

  EPILOGUE

  To say I was sweating bullets would be a serious understatement. We had lived in Athens for three months now. She went to school full-time and I worked a real live nine-to-five job for the first time ever. Marley felt strange letting me be the one taking care of the bills, but if she worked after school, I'd never see her.

  And I wanted to be the one taking care of her. No one ever had before, and I loved holding that title. And I loved her. She took care of me in other ways. Loving looks that made me melt on the spot, the way she wedged herself between my back and the sofa when we watched TV to rub my shoulders, when she was so happy to see me at the end of the day and always asked me how my day was, the way she trusts me so completely with everything, even herself in the way she whispers my name in her sleep and clings to me for more when I kiss her.

  The lady at the shop had brought out a huge rack of rings, but none of them were her. So I left, decided to go browse around somewhere else for a while, and stopped at an antique place. I hoped they had some older baubles that I could look at, but when she started pulling the rings she kept locked up in the case out, I put my hand up to stop her.

  It was the one and I didn't need to look any further. Now why hadn't it been that easy at the jewelry shop? Because Marley wasn't some materialistic girl. She wanted something that meant something. And this ring had meant something to someone at one time.

  It was sterling silver and the diamond was square cut instead of round. I didn't know if that mattered for the ring I was going to ask her to marry me with or not, but I took it out and it fit on my pinky. I had this strange feeling that it would fit her just right as I looked at the sparkly square with two smaller square ones on each side.

  I hadn't planned to buy a ring today, just get a feel for them and then get her size and all that stuff later on the sly, maybe plan some romantic dinner and ask her.

  But this felt so right. I didn't want to wait, and seeing this ring just made me realize how perfect it all was. It should be based on a feeling, not a cheesy plan to get her to say yes in front of strangers and have them clap and 'aww'.

  This was all in my gut and my gut said to ask that girl to marry me tonight. The lady was shocked when I told her I'd take it.

  To be honest, we were doing all right finance wise, but by no means doing so amazing that I could afford some crazy expensive ring. I made enough to pay for her school books and for us to be comfortable. If we wanted to go grab a bite to eat, we could. If we wanted to go to the movies, we did. That's all that I ever wanted was to have a way to take care of her comfortably where we weren't struggling and she never felt like her home was in jeopardy. I still caught her eating with her fingers all the time, but it was cute, really. It was just one of those things that stuck with her and would always remind us that life sometimes hands you trials to get through. But when it's done, when it's all over, you're a better person for it, you appreciate your life that much more.

  I found Marley because of it.

  The woman asked to wrap up the ring for me, but I told her I'd just keep it on my finger. That I was going to ask her right that second and the ring was fine right where it was.

  She stopped after putting the tray away and looked at me. "So where are you going to ask her? Do you have a big day planned?"

  "I don't know. I don't have a plan. Whatever feels right, I guess."

  I didn't know why I was telling her all that, but it was just spilling out. She handed me back my credit card—my very first credit card—and smiled. "Good luck, young man."

  I smiled, but I didn't need luck. She was going to say yes. I wasn't nervous about that. I was just nervous that she would think it was too soon and too crazy after only five months. I got into the old Chevy truck and drove across town to pick her up from school. We still only had one vehicle, but I liked picking her up. I liked protecting her.

  She was sitting on the bench with one of her professors when I pulled up. She was discussing something in depth with him and she just kept nodding, looking shocked.

  I waited, but wanted to rush out there like a caveman. When she finally stood, she waved to him and climbed in. I put the truck in gear and let her collect her thoughts. Eventually, she put all her crap down and scooted over in the seat next to me.

  I relaxed and lifted my arm around her on the back of the seat. "So…" she started, "my professor said that he wants me to be his TA next year."

  I squinted. "I don't know much about it, but I thought you had to be a junior to be a teacher's assistant."

  "Usually, that's the case, but he said since I scored…wait for it…the highest," she did jazz hands, "grade in the class, he said he'll make an exception and thinks I'll be great at it. Can you believe that?"

  I laughed. "Of course I can."

  "Really?" she said, animated. "Cause he sure shocked the pants off me."

  I scowled at her, switching from her to the road. "Don't make professor and pants-off references in the same sentence."

  "Ahh," she crooned and leaned up to kiss my cheek. "He's totally married with a baby on the way."

  "You mean I'm so ruggedly handsome that you can't even see another guy. That's what you meant, right?"

  She giggled. "Of course, baby."

  I didn't go home. I kept driving until we came upon the same willow tree we always sat under at the park. She leaned up. "We don't have any crumbs for the ducks."

  "They'll get over it." I grinned and pulled her from my side of the truck. I walked with her slowly with her hand in mine, her arm brushing against me. The park was getting darker as the sun went down, but there was still plenty of light. A yellow and orange sky had settled over us and with the lake there, it was like a freaking postcard.

  We stood in the middle of the swaying branch
es and watched the ducks as they came up the shore, begging for what we didn't have.

  "Aww. Poor guys," she said and laughed as they walked back and forth like they had just missed it.

  "Do you love it here?"

  She looked at me and smiled for my sudden, random question. "Yeah, I do."

  "You want to stay here? Like, even after school?"

  "Uh…yeah. I love the town. And your job is here and Pepe won't ever get rid of you."

  "Do you want me to buy you a house here? Our own house that will be all ours and no one can take it away from us?"

  I watched her chest rise and fall as she inhaled shakily. "Yes. I do want that."

  "Do you…wanna get married right here, in this park, under our tree? The tree we found for your mom. The ducks can come, too."

  She smiled, biting into her lip. "I like the sound of that."

  "Do you want to marry me…right here, as soon as it can possibly happen?"

  I waited for tears, but there were none. She just smiled. Oh, no. She thought I was joking? Then her smile rose and got wider, she bit her lip harder, her eyes finally took on the sheen of happiness I had been hoping for.

  "You want me to be Mrs. Jackson?"

  I nodded, leaning in and letting my nose rub hers as I did it. "I want you to be mine, officially, in front of God, and everyone, and the ducks."

  She laughed, and then she sniffled a little, the first tear letting loose. She whispered hoarsely, saying, "Really?"

  I was surprised by her reaction. "Didn't you think I'd want to marry you someday?"

  "I hoped, but since you're so stuck on the no-sex rule-"

  I cut in with a growly laugh. "I think we've done plenty of things to keep you satisfied, sweetheart."

  She grinned and continued, "I figured you'd come up with a no-proposing-until-Marley's-twenty-seven rule, too."

  I laughed, loving this girl so much. "No. No more rules," I said with emphasis.

  She got my meaning and her lips parted. Her bottom lip began to quiver. "As soon as possible meaning…next year? Next month? Next weekend?" She grinned, the tears clinging to her lashes.