Nazir reclined on the bed and merely observed as little by little I removed my clothing. Ironically, I wanted him to like the performance, but I did not want him to take anything beyond that. So I tried to not be too provocative. Finally, when I had nothing left to remove, and commercials came on the station, Nazir began to applaud. He smiled and said, “God gives us things in His own way!” and then stood up, approached me, and pulled me onto the bed. I put up resistance, “Please, Nazir, your brother and Petra are upstairs!” He laughed, “What do you think they are doing right now? Listen!” he turned the radio off and I could hear noises above us that answered that question really fast. My heart began to pound rapidly and I feared what was about to occur. I protested, “Please, I had a difficult childbirth and I am not totally recovered! And I also do not have any birth control!” I hoped that would put him off but instead he replied, “Do not worry. I do not like it the way most men do!” I took that as a hint that maybe I was saved. Yet I soon discovered what he meant. He grabbed me in a tight embrace and began to force me to kiss him. I was horrified, there was no escape, yet I absolutely did not want to go any further with him. The one last bit of dignity I had left was my exclusive physical connection to Matt and that I did not want lost! I resisted but this just caused him to use more force. He apologized, “We are together, we were meant to be here – it is fate.” At that he forced me face down onto the mattress, and that is when I discovered what he had in mind.
It was useless to fight back. What commenced was humiliating beyond any words one can use to describe it. My mind was in shock, and my body felt the full impact of his painful abuse. It seemed all I could perceive in those moments was a violation of my very being. Yet while I cursed the decision I had made to agree to come there with him I also knew it would be in vain, a useless sacrifice, if I let him know how much I despised every breath I could feel blowing against my back. I went limp and merely let him do whatever he wanted in those moments – after all, this was the ultimate act of destroying who I was in mind, body and spirit, and no matter what, I did not think I could ever be who I had been again. I felt my spirit die as he repeatedly raped me.
Maybe the worst part was when he was finished he insisted that I kiss him. It was one thing to hide my discomfort, even pretend to enjoy what he had put me through, but then to show gratitude through kissing? That took every bit of mental energy I had to make him believe I wanted to connect with him romantically. Yet it seemed I was successful. A few minutes later he just looked into my eyes and said, “So is everything okay?” I nodded and smiled. He said, “That is good. Who can tell where our relationship will lead. Maybe you and I will someday be more than just partners in bed.” I just looked at him, hoping he would soon turn away and fall asleep.
Just then his phone rang. He got up and began to talk in a dialect that did not sound Russian. I heard him say his brother’s name, Aslan, several times and each with increasing anger. He turned around, hung up and approached me, “I am sorry Amber. Adlan and I must rush back to the club. Someone came in with a gun around closing and robbed us!” I faked concern at his misfortune. He ran out of the room, yelled up to Adlan in the dialect he used on the phone, and rushed back in. He pulled out his wallet, “Here, you and Petra can remain here in the room, it is paid for, just do not let Petra steal anything. Here is some money for a cab back to the club.” He threw down a couple one hundred dollar bills on the bed and said, “When you come in to work tomorrow I have something special for you. Goodbye.” Adlan rushed down the stairs and they quickly darted out the door together.
For a moment I sat there, naked and disgusted with myself for allowing what had happened to have actually happened! I felt cheap, used and realized, as I picked up the money he had left, that I had taken a step down to the role of a prostitute. I just sat there and stared at the floor.
The silence then gave way to crying. I could hear the faint sounds of Katja upstairs and I went up to see what had happened. When I opened the door the lights were off. I flipped the switch and asked, “Katja, are you okay?” She was naked and laying in a fetal position. I ran over to the bed and she quickly grabbed a pillow and buried her head in it and continuing to sob. I put my hand on her shoulder and began to gently caress her. She soon turned over and I could see that she had been placed through a far different ordeal than me.
Her lip was bleeding, the area around her right eye was dark red, and I could see that despite her sniffing, there were droplets of blood running out her nose. She was shaking and her face had splotches of blood stains all over, except where her tears, mixed with mascara, washed lines into the blood stains. She looked at me, crying, and asked, “Why?” just before I embraced her to help in the consoling process. She continued to cry and repeated the word, “Why?” as we held each other.
After a few minutes, she began to get some composure. I noticed that the sheet I had thrown around us was drenched in blood and tears. She then began to relate to me what had happened.
It seemed that she and Adlan had come into the room he just ordered her onto the bed for sex. When she refused he became violent and beat her into submission. Unlike Nazir, who had later expressed affection, Adlan had just told her she was his for as long as he desired her. He also told her she had to move into a room he had at the club by Sunday, and that she and I could no longer see each other.
I wanted to kill Adlan…yet I had mixed emotions towards Nazir. He had sodomized me, but he appeared to actually like me. Did I like him? I honestly could not say; but Adlan, I truly despised! Katja then looked at me, the eye having transformed from red to a brownish color – in preparation for the eventual black eye – and asked, “So what do we do now?” I did not immediately respond, I just looked at her, and then the blood-stained pillow and sheets. Suddenly she spoke, “I have come too far to quit. I want to know everyone involved in this and then I want revenge. Even if that bastard had nothing to do with killing my sister I want to crucify him.” I asked her, “What if he does this again?” She closed her eyes tightly and forced out the words, “The next time I will not say no.”
I got up and moistened a towel so I could clean her off. Once that was completed she took a shower in the bathroom connected to the upper room, while I showered downstairs. When done I asked Katja to come lay down beside me and get some rest. Yet rather than our normal ritual of talking with each other before going to sleep we just lay there holding each other in silence for at least a couple of hours before passing out.
A few hours later we awoke to a ring of the doorbell. I threw on a hotel bathrobe and rushed to the door to find that a full breakfast was being delivered by room service. The clerk brought the meal in and gave me a note. It was from Nazir and merely read, “Thank you. Look forward to seeing you this evening – Nazir.” As the clerk left I just stared at the letter. I wondered what his intentions were, yet at that moment any positive feelings for him, despite what he had done to me, were overshadowed by what his brother had done to Katja.
I went into her to invite her to eat but she said she was not hungry. It was then I noticed that she had developed a huge black eye. She started to cry again and asked, “Please, just hold me.” I got in bed beside her and put my arm around her, to which she took such a strong embrace of me that I could barely breathe. Again we just laid there for maybe an hour in silence except for my occasional attempts to comfort her with re-assuring words.
Eventually we did get out of bed and I managed to get her to eat something. It was a strange atmosphere though. As Katja put on the dress she had looked so beautiful in the night before she now looked so sad. She looked like an elegant doll that someone had just drug through the mud, so to speak. Her whole continence was that of sadness and misery…it was as if her very soul had been yanked out of her body. Her every motion, even putting on her shoes, seemed like a mere function of her autonomic nervous system… robotic perhaps a better description. And as we left this room that was far out of my family’s budgetary possibilities, I rea
lized that the fantasy I had been enjoying the last week or so was indeed shallow and false. And at that moment I wondered how many young women had experienced this very feeling of sadness and betrayal in similar circumstances.
When we reached the lobby Katja excused herself for a moment and bought a pack of cigarettes. When we went out to wait for a cab I commented, “I did not think you smoked.” She just stared at the ground and said, “What does it matter? I do now.” At that I wondered if her spirit had been shattered as mine had been those terrifying weeks after Bethany had died.
Neither of us talked on the way back to the apartment. And when we finally did arrive Katja excused herself and brought out a suitcase. I asked what she was doing and she replied, “Adlan said I had to move into a room upstairs at the club by Sunday. I might as well just get some things together now and move in tonight. Why waste a trip since we work this evening?”
At that I just looked at her. I did not mention the investigation, or anything else. She then stated in a monotone voice as she stared over at the picture she had drawn of me, “It is going to be more difficult to compare notes. Adlan said he does not want me to see you outside the club. He even said we were not going to be performing together either. I guess then we have to be much more careful.”
The rest of the day was filled with a sad energy. We both had been through a horrible ordeal, but knew we could not stop before we reached our objective. We were wounded, Katja far more so than me, but we dutifully went about the motions of getting ready for work that evening; I even helped her with makeup to conceal what had happened to her the night before. She grabbed her suitcase and we took off. We had discovered a great deal already but the real secrets were still there to be uncovered.
Chapter 15
We took a cab to work since the car was still parked at the club. As we approached, Katja took out her keys and handed them to me, “Here, it seems this is my new home so I won’t need these, will I?” I took them and sighed. As we approached the door I looked around to make sure nobody was nearby and took hold of Katja. I was unsure how she would react but I took a chance on giving her a kiss. To my delight she seemed to just melt in my arms and kissed me back in a manner that I knew she still valued our relationship no matter what had occurred the previous evening. In fact she stopped, looked into my eyes and said, “I love you Melanie. I cannot wait to be back together with you again.” At that I could not help myself, “Katja, if we could just run off together, you and me, where would you like to go?” She laughed, the first time all day, and said, “Don’t tease me. You would never leave your family.” I smiled, “No, you are right, I wouldn’t, but I will never leave you either, as long as you live.” At that she tearfully said, “You better not!”
As we entered the club Adlan was at the door and greeted Katja in Russian. He looked at me inquisitively without saying a word. He did not have to – I could tell he felt I was a threat, just as years before Daniel had seen me as threatening his position with Nicole. He then said, “Amber, Nazir wants to talk to you in the office.”
I was unsure what was going on but I went to his office and opened the door with some apprehension. He smiled, got out of his chair and pulled out a chair for me to sit on. He then sat on his desk and asked, “Did you enjoy last night?” I summoned every ounce of strength I had to lie convincingly, “Very passionate…I liked it very much.” He clapped his hands together, stood up and said, “Marvelous!” and at that he opened up his drawer, and pulled out a box. He handed it to me and, upon opening it, I discovered a beautiful gold watch with diamonds covering the outer face. He took my hand and put it on. He asked, “Do you like it?” I shook my head in disbelief, “It’s beautiful. Is this for me?” He nodded.
He replied, “I like you. I have to warn you – I have little time for sentimentality. I am married to this business, but I am a man, and I need a woman I can talk to. Is that okay?” I nodded. He then said, “Of course that means more than just talk.” I just looked at him and smiled. Then, to my utter amazement he walked over to the door, locked it, and asked me to undress. This was obviously the moment of truth; to refuse would mean all Katja and I had sacrificed would have been in vain. I realized that the next step was to submit and accept certain obligations. I hesitated for little more than a second before I arose and began to unbutton my blouse. Again I warned him, “I am not on birth control.” to which he said, “I thought I told you last night – I prefer not to do it the way men and women make babies.” As much as I dreaded what would soon take place at least I could take comfort in there not being any chance of pregnancy. And this time he at least took out some gel from his desk.
It was sort of strange… it was as if to him this was some sort of coffee break activity. We did the deed, got dressed, and then he began to explain that I and Katja would no longer be paired for any special performances. He asked, “Can you and Tiffanie work together? She told me she thinks you are nice.” I asked, “You asked her?” He nodded his head, “She said if it is with you she’ll take Petra’s place.” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Sure.” He smiled, “I think you’ll have more in common with her anyway. She’s an American like you.” At that he apologized and said he had some work to catch up on and I took that as my clue to leave.
Maybe it was a defense mechanism but as I left the office I was numb. Yes, I had given into him, but perhaps this time I had agreed. Besides, I had now cheated on Matt and while it had not been a true man-woman connection it was still cheating. So I rationalized that whether it was once, twice or a hundred times that something special was gone. And worse yet, I decided that until I had my answers I would be Nazir’s woman if that meant a week, month or...
As for Katja, I noticed that she seemed less “alive” on stage than normal. I cannot say how she perceived me but I was feeling helpless to help her. As I was Nazir’s she was at the mercy of Adlan. I hoped, no I prayed, that nothing bad would happen to her. Finally, at the end of the shift, I got dressed, gathered my money and the keys, and looked for Katja. One of the other girls said she had left with Adlan already. At that news I really began to worry, yet I just told myself there was nothing I could do and so I went to her car and took off.
When I arrived back at the apartment I sat down on the couch and looked at the time on my new watch. It was nearly 3am and I calculated that it was lunch time in England. I got up and turned the computer on. I noticed that Nicole’s Skype was on, but rather than placing a video call I typed in, “Hello Nicole, my love. Are you there? Is Matt there?” I waited but received no reply. I decided to take a shower but suddenly Nicole wrote back, “Matt, your dad and the children all went to the park together. I am alone thanks to a migraine.” I replied, “Call me.”
I did not bother changing at all. I decided right there to be a bit more honest with Nicole, to a degree of course, and so I turned on the web cam. The sight of Nicole made me smile. I touched the screen and said, “Hello my love. I have missed you.” She smiled and replied, “I have missed you as well, but what have you done to your hair?” I smiled, “I cannot say just yet.” We talked a few minutes about the children and she mentioned that Matt was actually able to use a walker to get around. Then Nicole asked what I had found out – and was it safe to come home soon. I promised, “You’ll all be seeing Oregon soon and you’ll be safe.” She shook her head, “I have to ask you Melanie, why have you not called at all? I kept my word not to contact you but you have not so much as let us know if you are still alive. I think you are being really irresponsible and rude to us.”
For some reason I could not say a word. I just stared at her and then said, “Everything I am doing I do for you, for Matt, and for the children.” She replied, “It doesn’t feel that way sometimes.” I could not help myself. I stared at her and then screamed out, “If you don’t appreciate what I have sacrificed then you can go to hell!” She responded, “Don’t you tell me of sacrifice, I have been here taking care of seven little children and our husband and trying to ente
rtain your father. So don’t you dare talk of sacrifice when you haven’t the consideration of even sending a simple text!” At that I fought back both tears and anger until she asked, “So when are you going to think of someone besides yourself?” That was the last straw. I leaned back in my chair and, in a totally emotionless tone said, “Fuck you Nicole! I don’t care if I never see you again!” I quickly turned the computer off.
I flopped onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. Anger gave way to wondering what I had done; had I just broken up with my wife? I thought a moment and then jumped up to grab my phone. I texted Nicole that I was sorry and that I could not tell her what I had been through, but that I would soon. I begged her to talk with me again on the computer. Yet she had turned off her Skype. I began to cry and get ready for the shower but then my phone rang. I quickly answered – yes, it was Nicole! I did not let her talk, I merely said, “I am so sorry, please, please forgive me. You have no idea what has happened and I just can’t tell you now.” Nicole responded, “Forgive me as well, my head is killing me. I love you so much Melanie, please tell me what happened?” I assured her, “I’m okay, don’t worry about me. We will see each other soon, I promise. Look, just trust me. And…and please, I cannot talk to Matt right now but tell him I love him, okay? And while you are at it please make passionate love to him this evening…can you do that?” Nicole laughed, “I promise, if this migraine goes away.” She then said, “If you change your mind about calling then please call tomorrow. We will be at church in the morning but after that we will be here.” I thanked her and hung up.
I felt a lot better talking to Nicole – she was with someone who would protect herself and the children. Yet I felt uneasy about what Katja was going through at the moment. I loved her too but she was on her own. I really felt lonely and for some reason my heart was pounding. I felt as if a panic attack was coming on, but why? Was my soul connected to Katja’s to the degree I was feeling stressed because of her suffering? I had no way of knowing for sure but what could I do?
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