Descent Into Darkness

by Michael Cross

  I went in and began to participate with the children and Katja walked over to Nicole. I could not hear what they were saying, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I even took note of how both seemed to be tilting their heads slightly as they spoke and how Nicole was playing with her hair. For a moment I felt a certain pain of jealousy – yet I was not sure which direction to focus on…I mean, was I jealous that Nicole was not paying attention to me, or was it Katja?

  At the dinner table Katja was quick to position herself away from Matt, but right next to Nicole. He tried to get a conversation going with Katja, but her attention was solely focused on Nicole and the children. It seemed Matt and I both became the proverbial “odd man out.” Of course that felt even more apparent after the children went to bed and Nicole came up to me and said, “I hope you don’t mind but Katja and I would like to go for a little drive together. That’s okay with you, isn’t it?” I felt left out until Nicole grabbed my hand, led me into the hallway and passionately embraced and kissed me. I joked, “So, is that what Katja is about to experience?” Nicole grinned and said, “Not sure. Want to come along and we can all…” I immediately said, “No, no, and no! You two go and get to know one another and I will keep Matt company.”

  When I went in and sat next to Matt he asked, “You aren’t worried, are you?” I looked at him and asked, “About what?” to which he replied, “It seems your new Russian friend and Nicole couldn’t keep their eyes off one another.” I leapt up and sat on his lap – looking him directly in the eyes and said, “No my love, I am not worried. I mean, if they did run off then we still have each other!” I then gave him the kiss that I had not been able to give him for over a month. Confident the children were in bed we took our love to the next logical step, falling asleep with each other on the couch afterwards.

  Later, around 2am, I heard the sound of hushed laughter as Nicole and Katja came in the door. Before I could wake Matt and get dressed they rushed into the living room. Nicole seemed surprised as she said, “Oh, hi there you two. Want us to join or would you like to get dressed? Oh, before you answer I want to bounce a request off you two!” We both sat up and started putting our clothes back on. I was fairly fast, but Matt needed a little more time due to the bindings on both his legs – but when I finished I could not help but notice that Katja was looking over Matt like a little girl might check out a jar of candy just out of her reach. Perhaps there was hope after all.

  We all sat down and Nicole announced, “Okay, I took care of the entire family for weeks. I also feel I should get to know our new member better. And since both Katja and Melanie are going to be busy with a campaign, I propose Katja and I go spend some time together. Are there any objections?” I was surprised when Matt jumped in and said, “I think that would be great! I would appreciate some time with Melanie and you deserve a break. You are coming back I assume.” Nicole walked over to Matt and put her arms around him, kissed him, and said, “You are my husband for all eternity, and you never forget that my dear!” She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Oh don’t worry Melanie. Go get in my bed and we can…talk about things…maybe.” Katja then suggested, “I can sleep here on the couch tonight if that is okay.” Apparently I still had work to do in regards to her and Matt.

  The next day I awoke with Nicole’s body wrapped around mine. For some reason I knew for certain she was as committed to me as she had ever been, but it felt strange, now that reality hit, that I would be sharing her with Katja. I had not felt anything really peculiar with Matt, but maybe I felt different in that there would be another woman besides me in Nicole’s life. Suddenly she awoke and said, “What a dream! Oh my God, Melanie…I dreamt you were elected to the senate, but that we were all still together and even Katja had three babies. It was all really weird, but I could feel happiness filled our lives.” I was not going to discount any dreams of hers again – if the senate was my destiny then so be it. She then said, “I love you Melanie! Can you get baptized so we all share that together?” I looked at her in silence and then said, “As long as it is done in private then yes, I will do it.” She pounced onto me and squeezed, “Thank you so much, I know you won’t regret this!”

  After we got out of bed Katja and Nicole packed. They said they were not sure where they wanted to go, but that they would be away for at least a week. Nicole also made it clear she wanted the children to maintain their politeness and putting things away. Matt and I both promised to do just that. Of course when they departed I felt it was Matt and my chance to spend lots of time together. I was disappointed we could not go hiking yet, but even time with the children was fantastic with him. Of course my cycle returned the very day Nicole left, but that at least gave us a few days to cuddle with each other on the couch and catch up on life. I even made sure to discuss their trip and my father with him. That was when he said something totally odd. He sighed, “Your father has been having hard times lately. He said he had a good time with the children but just before we left he asked me for money.” I asked, “Money? How much did he ask for?” Matt replied, “I gave him twenty thousand dollars. It was a lot but we had the insurance money coming, and he did help us.” Stunned I asked, “What did he say, I mean to ask us for money?” Matt commented, “He said we kind of owed it to him for all the time and inconvenience and such. I…” I cut him off, “Inconvenience? He never contributed a dime to me and here we are taking care of him?” Matt took on a defensive posture. I continued, “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault and I am not blaming you. I actually had thought about going there and meeting him but now…now I just don’t know.” Matt asked, “Can you at least keep in touch with him? With his sickness you never know how long he might have.” I nodded my head, sat down and promised, “I will write him but that is all I promise.”

  That evening while Matt was asleep I reflected on my parentage. Was my unconventional lifestyle just a more elaborate form of my mother’s hedonism and my lack of empathy or guilt something I inherited from him? Was I destined to follow in their footsteps…especially my father’s? I did not love him but his condition at least gave me cause to try to pity him. Maybe I could at least compensate with my own children and raise them in a path that would allow them stability. At least they would know their father and mother was there for them and loved them. For the next few days I spent almost all my waking hours with my children in the day and Matt at night. I knew I would soon not have so much time with them and I wanted to make every minute count.

  One week passed, two, and then several days beyond that went by. I had received short letters from both Katja and Nicole that let us know they were doing just great. In fact, Matt got a couple of letters from Katja wishing him well and even asking him to tell a little about his life. Then, on a Saturday evening after the children had gone to bed, almost three weeks after their departure, Nicole appeared at the door. She asked in a loud whisper, “Hey there, we just need to carry in our bags but are the kids in bed?” We said they were. Nicole came in and was quickly followed by Katja. That was when we were hit with a big surprise. Before us, carrying in her bags was a girl in a leather jacket, torn jeans and short hair! Not only was her beautiful long hair gone but it was cut above the ears with slightly long bangs combed over one side of her face and was dyed a punkish blonde. It was sort of a butch meets emo style; cute but totally unexpected. She put her bags down and held out her arms. We hugged and then, without any hesitation she grabbed the back of my head and we locked in a passionate kiss. I was taken back, what with Matt standing right behind me. Then, she backed up and asked, “You like the hair?” Before I could answer Matt walked over and said, “You look really nice Katja!” She smiled and again, totally catching me off guard, she approached Matt, put her arms around him and gave him a kiss. It was not as intense as what she had given me, but neither seemed anxious to stop. Nicole whispered in my ear, “Don’t get your hopes up but it’s a good start.”

  Matt and Katja released each other and she asked him, “Can you perhaps get the
rest of the bags from the car?” He cleared his throat and kind of stuttered, “Uh…sure thing. I’ll take care of it now.” As he walked out to the car Katja removed her jacket and just as Matt came in the door she pulled her shirt off and asked, “How do you like the new me?” Matt was speechless as he sat the bags down and walked over to my side. Katja’s entire left arm and most of her exposed left breast was covered in an intricate pattern of colorful tattoos. Not only that but she was also sporting some piercings and none involved the ears. She turned around and her right shoulder also had been tattooed with a pentagram like mine but surrounded with what I would later find out were Russian fertility runes. Once she showed off her new artwork she turned to Nicole and without the slightest hint of shyness said, in her child-like voice, “I’ll be waiting for you upstairs Nicki. Don’t be too long!” At that she darted up the stairs.

  I laughed nervously, “Nicole, I gave you a sweet, beautiful young woman and you brought back a, uh…dyke?” Nicole giggled and said, “Hey, you are the one who introduced her to lesbianism, not me. Besides, I think during the trip I may have warmed her to the idea of bisexuality – only in regards to Matt though…but, uh, despite the kiss she gave Matt I can make no promises I’m afraid.” Matt again cleared his throat, “Uh in case nobody has taken note I am standing right here!” Nicole laughed and gave him a hug, “Sorry Matt my dear. I think you better get used to a more female-dominated atmosphere around here. But hey, having a harem will have its benefits.” She laughed as Matt shook his head and excused himself, “I think I’ll go make a sandwich.” Nicole, in a playful tone commented, “Speaking of sandwiches you two could always come up and join us.” He shook his head, “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  As he left I turned to Nicole, “So uh…in regards to Katja…just how far have you influenced her in this new look?” Nicole giggled, “Wait until you see her right thigh. Oh, and don’t worry about me bugging you about having a more natural look. She swore to me the only time she’ll ever shave again is when she has to clear her skin for more artwork.” She smirked, “I like variety too my love.” As she reached down she asked, “Oh, speaking of artwork do you like this painting?” She unwrapped a canvass and proudly displayed a nude portrait of herself, but this one was, well…something that was a lot more explicit than one Katja had done for me. I commented, “It’s beautiful but I hope you don’t plan on hanging that where any of the children will see.” She laughed, “Oh the nature girl has her limits after all! Don’t worry, when we set up a separate house maybe I will hang this up in Katja and my room.” I immediately asked, “You would want to live separately from us?” She shook her head, “Not a chance of that. However, we will obviously have to establish some sort of rotation schedule.” At that we heard Katja call down the stairs, “What’s taking so long?” Nicole gave me a quick kiss and said, “We’ll discuss all this later.” and she quickly darted up the stairs.

  Matt finally emerged from the kitchen, picked up the portrait and nodded his head, “Leaves nothing to the imagination, does it?” We both looked at each other before we began to laugh. He commented as the door shut upstairs and he put the portrait down, “I heard what you and Nicole were saying. You don’t suppose those two are going to pair off and leave us, do you?” He seemed really amused, which was evidenced by the huge grin on his face. I put my arms around his neck and said, “Oh shut up will you?” Of course I gave him a hug, but worried that underneath his attempt at humor he might have been correct – and that thought caused me concern.

  Chapter 22

  In the following months I found that my initial worries that Nicole and Katja might pair off and exclude me were unwarranted. In fact, Nicole seemed to become much more vibrant and alive towards me. Maybe it was the excitement of having a new love interest who fulfilled some sort of feminist-like fetish; or that Katja seemed a natural at organizing the house and making sure the children were polite, did their chores as well as their reading, math, science and even Russian language studies. Of course, I felt she was cheating herself and the gene pool every time she insisted that she had no desire to have children of her own, but then her efforts at projecting maternal drives on our children certainly came with benefits to Nicole and me.

  As for my relationship with Katja perhaps I was too quick to think the events of the past year, her losing her sister, the abuse, and having to kill so many people, would easily pass. After she returned with Nicole from their trip – they had driven all the way to Florida and back, taking in some pretty remarkable sights and experiences – I was happy to find that she and I were still inseparable. Yet more than once, when we were alone, she would break down and cry. As we had agreed to keep certain aspects of our experiences as our secret – some even from Nicole and certainly most from Matt – we found it helped to talk about everything together and ease the pain she felt.

  As Katja added more tattoos, stopped shaving and rarely wore anything but jeans and a t-shirt, I determined her metamorphosis was no mere phase. Yet it seemed her new masculine look was therapeutic for her. Yes, Nicole had some hidden part of her psyche that certainly appreciated the dynamics of her transformation, but in truth it was Katja’s decision to eradicate any outward vestiges of her previous femininity. It seemed to disconnect Katja not only from her experiences at being objectified and abused in the club, but also from her failed attempts at finding love and acceptance while living up to some party-girl persona during and after her college years. Going butch was as much a personal defense mechanism and statement of defiance to the ideals of image as it was a way to make her new lover happy. Oh well, I still found her as attractive as before, and at least I wound up with all her expensive outfits; lace, silk and glitter just don’t go well with hairy under arms and legs, even if those legs once resembled those of a fashion model. Speaking of which, Matt took up a program to strengthen his body and speed recovery. Katja decided to join him every day. And while Matt made steady progress Katja’s body, especially her legs, began to transform into a more muscular form, which of course Nicole found quite appealing.

  As for Matt and Katja, at first I only had a little guarded optimism that they would eventually hit it off. Yet as time progressed, and they continued to spend a great deal of time together, they slowly got to know each other and build a trusting friendship. He was genuinely interested in her life; and let her know how much he appreciated her efforts with the children as well as helping bring my new campaign around, and never, ever said anything to make her feel unaccepted. In fact, he even confided to me that he thought her new look was exotic, but when I joked that I could go back to the style I had when we were dating he sort of discouraged the idea, saying that I would probably lose votes.

  Katja too confided to me that there was something different about Matt that she found attractive – and Matt was the one person who knew what it was like to lose a sibling. And of course they both loved the outdoors, as well as being able to sit and talk for hours about all sorts of topics. Around Thanksgiving I had said, “Katja you should give Matt a chance. You never know…you might just hit it off in the romance area.” She quickly replied, “No!” However, in the next couple of weeks the “no” evolved into a “maybe” and soon to a “we will see.” Of course Matt no longer had to travel to Japan anymore since he had started working in the Portland division of his import-export firm. So when Christmas came he could spend the entire holiday season at home. One day he was anxious to visit Smith Rock. He had gone crazy not being able to do anything too strenuous due to his injuries, but by December he was ready for a real nature hike. I was busy that day, and Nicole was on her monthly cycle, but Katja jumped at the chance to visit central Oregon. After they left Nicole asked, “You think they might finally wind up more than friends?” I was unsure, but later in the evening, when Matt called and said they were staying the weekend in Bend, we figured the time had arrived – and when they returned on Monday morning we discovered they finally had connected in every sense of the word. However, Katja ad
mitted to me, “Okay, I really do love that man. You must understand though that I love him emotionally…the physical thing may or may not ever be there entirely. I am not sure how to explain it but I feel really good in his presence but I only occasionally feel any desire for intimacy.” I could not help but joke, “Sounds like the typical American marriage.” She looked at me strangely and replied, “Really? How sad. No wonder Americans are such a savage, warlike people. No offence meant Melanie.” I smiled, “None taken.”

  I then asked, “So did you use birth control this weekend?” She shook her head, “Wrong time of the month I suppose. You never know though.” I smiled, “I’m glad you are open to being a mom. I was never serious about the vow I had you take.” At that she looked at the pictures of the kids on the wall, “Someday when I do have children do you think they will look like the ones you and Matt made or the ones Nicole and Matt have? I have some issues to resolve but like I said, things happen and so I’ll make sure not to get body art on my tummy or my lower spine until I’m older.” I replied, “You look more like me than you do Nicole so I assume our children will look a lot alike. Yet I am curious Katja what kind of relationship do you have now with your parents?” She laughed, “I love them dearly. They took the news of Tamilla’s death really hard and wanted me to attend the memorial but I just wasn’t ready to see them. And I am sure they had some perfect Russian guy picked out for me which would have been really uncomfortable. Besides, with all the adapting to my new life I just couldn’t go.” I asked, “What would they think of your new appearances?” She rolled her eyes, “Please! If they see me now they will totally think I have gone insane and send my cousin Dmitry to kidnap me or something. Give it time…time heals everything.”

  In regards to the campaign, Shane and I met at times, but Dr. Hodge was still my central manager. As for organization and outreach, Katja proved to be extremely talented and even set up a conference with gay political activists. I then pledged to come out in support of their being allowed to marry. It was a political gamble; one that paid off in that my stands on abortion and other social issues maintained my more conservative base of supporters, yet also neutralized opposition from several powerful activist groups. I even gained support from their ranks – including some sizable contributions from a couple of notable gay businessmen. Shane taught me the art of compromise, and that it was better to seduce an audience than win an argument. At one point it really dawned on me that my work in the club had prepared me for the real world of politics more than my psychology training as a person had to sell one’s self to get elected to national office in America. Interestingly enough, while I assumed Faber still hated me he surprised me in early February by calling on the party to support my candidacy while he simultaneously sabotaged the man who they had chosen to run in the first place. I could not figure Faber out but once I won the primary election in May he appeared to offer me the proverbial olive branch. I felt he still had negative feelings towards me but his enthusiasm and bending over backwards to help me in my race caught me completely off guard. I really did not trust him; I wondered…why did he become such an enthusiastic supporter all of the sudden?